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Gossip Girl Quotes

Quotes from Gossip Girl

Lily Van Der Woodsen (Kelly Rutherford)

Season One

Season 2

Season 3

Season 4

Specials

Lily: Just coffee, I'm not staying long. I'd like to get out of here before someone throws me down and tattoos me.

Rufus: Admit it, you're falling for me again.
Lily: You're right. It's the low income tax bracket, the bad v-neck shirts, the awful jokes. I don't know why your wife left you.
Rufus: She's got better taste than you.

Lily: Why is Blair outing you for a drug problem you don't have? You don't, do you?
Serena: Mom.

Lily: Your wife despises me.
Rufus: I wouldn't say that.
Lily: Well she did. She may have been wearing a slip dress and Doc Martens at the time, but she definitely meant it.

Lily: So I made some calls but as it turns out, none of my people know your people. Shocking, but true. Either "Dan Humphrey" is an alias or your son is not very popular.

Lily: I'll pass on a glass of that non-premium liquor you're drinking. But I will take something to eat, thank you for offering. What? You still know how to cook, don't you?

Rufus: Since when were you the patron saint of former rock stars?
Lily: Since when were you a star?

Lily: Well. This is a new strain of obsessive-compulsive.
Rufus: The art piece projects up to the ceiling.
Lily: Still doing anything to get a girl on her back, huh?

Eric: Even if you did cook, we don't have an oven.
Lily: Preaching to the converted, Eric.

Lily: There's nothing wrong with having Chinese food on Thanksgiving. Jews have been doing it on Christmas since forever.

Allison: I think we're splitting hairs here, Rufus. An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one.
Lily: Oh please. Nobody's buying that.

Lily: Well if you don't listen to me you're going to hear it from her. And I promise you don't want that to happen. The brands I listed are the key to her happiness. And that includes Tanqueray.

Lily: You make a fool of the presenter and then you start a brawl. I mean, what's next, Serena? Girls Gone Wild?

Dan: Oh, Mrs. van der Woodsen, er, Lily. Hi!
Lily: Dan. Jenny.
Jenny: Hi.
Lily: Tree.

Decorator: And here's the second choice for the centerpiece.
Lily: Well we could put this one on a mylar tablecloth and pretend it's a Bar Mitzvah.

Lily: When you revise the seating chart, don't forget to place Mr. Spitzer as far away from Serena's table as possible.

Lily: If Serena's indiscretions were as PG as Jenny's I wouldn't have needed the Botox.

Lily: Really Rufus, what were you thinking? You threw her a surprise birthday party and had her face painted on the cake with a tiara?
Rufus: Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Lily: Yeah well so did flannel and acid washed jeans, but they weren't flattering either.

VH1 Guy: Do you think you were able to take incredible photos of Rufus Humphrey because you were in love with him?
Lily: Well I wasn't in love with him... that much.

Lily's phone rings.
Rufus: It's Bart.
Lily: That's what I was afraid of.
Rufus: You want me to answer it?
Lily: You want me to kill you?

Lily: Rufus, what are you doing here? I thought we had security.
Rufus: You want them to throw me out?
Lily: Well I'd like the option considering how much I'm paying them.

Rufus: Lily, what are you doing here?
Lily: I don't know.

Lily: There's a Mappelthorpe that's coming up for auction, uh—
Serena: Wait, Mappelthorpe. Isn't that the one who took all the pictures of the naked guys?
Lily: Yeah. Um. Not just guys.

Lily: The Annual Van der Woodsen Diner Thanksgiving Dinner. We should have a standing reservation.
Eric: I think we do.

Cecilia: Ah, yes. The bottomless minibar and the comfort of the twins in room service. It's a scandal.
Lily: People mourn in their own ways, Mother. I've been assured by the hotel that if Chuck isn't alive and well, well... at least he's alive.

Lily: We're doing comfort food. Nobody's comforted by a tuna tower.

Lily: Let me explain.
Serena: Don't bother. You love Rufus, you always have. And you married Bart anyway and now he's dead.
Lily: Well I might have fleshed out some of the more subtle nuances, but yes, I suppose that's the gist of it.

Jack: If I had known my own personal Mata Hari was here I would've come sooner.
Lily: Yes well I was just being brought up to date on your progress or lack thereof.
Jack: I'll right myself eventually. I just have to get my legs under me. Maybe the two of us could come together in some way. Help me find my strength or, use it all up. She hands him a tissue. What's that for?
Lily: Your nose. You don't seem as worried about the same morality clause that cost Charles his company.

Lily: The bastard is untouchable.
Chuck: What should we do?
Lily: Time to get dirty. I'm all ears.
Chuck: Let me educate you.
Lily: Did you really try to buy anthrax with his credit card?
Chuck: The black market isn't what it used to be.
Lily: And you got him on Megan's List?
Chuck: If only his apartment were a few blocks closer to a playground.
Lily: Look I understand why you're trying to do these things, but we have got to do something that is not illegal. I've put calls in to Jack's business associates in Australia. He's not the most upstanding citizen. I'm sure we will find something. You know I, um, I thought I lost you the day of the funeral. And I'm sorry Jack's the one to bring us back together but I'm glad that we're doing this.
Chuck: If your people don't come up with anything maybe we can try number 26.
Lily: "Crash Jack in plane." The Bass jet is kind of expensive Charles.
Chuck: There's insurance.

Lily to Chuck: Oh my god, thank you.

Rufus: My hair is terrible. Not since '91—
Lily: If you care about your hair you're more apart of my world than ever.

Lily: I can't believe we're all here on a Saturday night. That's a lot of cancelled restaurant reservations.

Rufus: How did antique shopping turn into shoe shopping?
Lily: Well my darling, all shopping eventually leads to shoe shopping.

Dan: Well Serena asked me not to say anything.
Lily: Oh, that's my least favorite sentence.

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