Quotes from Gossip Girl
Main Page
Season One
Gossip Girl: Why'd she leave? Why'd she return? Send me all the deets. And who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell. The only one. XOXO. Gossip Girl.
Chuck: Are you following us or something?
Dan: No, I go to your school. Identical uniforms, isn't that kind of a tip-off?
Nate: That's funny.
Dan: So, you guys wanna sit together at lunch?
Blair Waldorf: Well we should get going then. Unless you want us to wait for you. Looks like you've got a lot of yogurt left.
Chuck: I love it when you talk dirty.
Serena: You just love it when a girl talks to you.
Chuck: Actually I prefer it when they're not talking.
Serena: Hm. I've missed your witty banter.
Rufus: Lily. Are you shopping for some art to match your furniture?
Lily: Why is my daughter going to one of your concerts?
Rufus: 'Cause we're awesome.
Dan: So, think I've got a shot at a second date?
Serena: Well I don't think we could top this one.
Dan: I did punch someone.
Serena: True.
Nate: What, 'cause you kill people now? You gonna strangle him with your scarf?
Chuck: Don't mock the scarf, Nathaniel. It's my signature.
Nate: I'm just saying: death by scarf. Not that intimidating.
Dan: Why weren't you talking? Does this have anything to do with why you were waiting for Serena this morning?
Blair: You were what?
Chuck: And here I thought you were waiting for me.
Dan: Oh exactly what this situation needs: Chuck.
Chuck: Looks like it's just you and me. Apparently my room's available.
Ref: Running out of colors here, Blair.
Serena: And I'm running out of patience. That's enough.
Blair: It's enough when I say it's enough.
Chuck: Heard about the field hockey throwdown. All those mouth guards and short skirts. I hope somebody filmed it.
Dan about Nate: Last year, I believe he had an original thought. It died of loneliness.
Dan: I get it. I mean, since you don't have to actually worry about getting into college, why not make the entire evening about screwing over Blair.
Eleanor: Before you tuck into that, you might find a lowfat yogurt more appealing.
Chuck: Who brought the sasquatch?
Nate: Isn't that Carter Baizen? I haven't seen him since the eighth grade when he was in the tenth. He looks intense.
Chuck: Are you high? He looks like Matthew McConaughey between movies.
Chuck: Look, anyone who trades their trust fund for a fanny pack flies in the face of all that is holy to Chuck Bass.
Blair to Dan: What are you doing here? Do I smell pork? And... cheese? Okay, well when you're done with you charity work why don't you come find me.
Chuck: As much as I love the speech about not needing material things from a guy who has that much product in his hair, this party is about excess. Not exposition.
Serena: Okay, what if I buy you anything you want from craft service?
Dan: I thought craft service was free.
Lily: Your wife despises me.
Rufus: I wouldn't say that.
Lily: Well she did.
Gossip Girl: You didn't hear it from us, but in every girl's life there comes a moment when she realizes her mother may be more messed up than she is.
Blair: I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination.
About the Palace
Dan: It's a nice place that you and... eight hundred other people have got here.
Blair: As my mother always says, "Fashion knows not of comfort. All that matters is the face you show the world." And your face looks like it's going to Bat Mitzvah. But before we continue the renovation grabs a martini glass Martini.
Jenny: Oh, no thanks. I don't like vodka.
Blair: Well, that's nice. Because this is gin.
Intake Nurse: What drugs have you been taking?
Blair: Mm... caffeine. Nicotine. Ketamine. GHB. PCP. LSD. Dir- Diazepam. Lorazepam. All the pams, really. I don't discriminate.
Lily: So I made some calls but as it turns out, none of my people know your people. Shocking, but true. Either "Dan Humphrey" is an alias or your son is not very popular. Regardless, I need that number.
Chuck: So what exactly are you looking for?
Nate: Evidence.
Chuck: Of what? The Captain's dislike of starchy shirts? I totally sympathize. The collars chafe.
Lily: Do you think that Eleanor Waldorf will find this "Night in Tangiers" enough?
Serena: Maybe if you brought a goat.
Rufus: Since when were you the patron saint of former rock stars?
Lily: Since when were you a star?
Jenny: Dad, have you seen a bracelet? You know, round, silverish, sparkly?
Rufus: Yeah, I think I saw that next to that ambiguous vague thing by the non-descript place.
Chuck: Nathaniel. Your position in my esteem has been replaced by your voicemail.
Blair: You don't grant birthday wishes, do you?
Priest: I'm a priest, not a genie.
Gossip Girl : Speak of the Devil and he doth appear. Wearing his trademark scarf.
Blair: Chuck. You know that I adore all of God’s creatures and the metaphors that they inspire. But, those butterflies? Have got to be murdered.
Serena: Blair says in a relationship the best friend is—
Dan: Serena. Are you really taking relationship advice from Blair?
Serena: Good point.
Chuck: 12:01. I'm sorry.
Blair: No. You're smarmy. There's a difference.
Blair: Where is your purse?
Serena: Uh. My purse...
Blair: Great. Alright. You stay here. Okay? I'm gonna go look. Don't drink. Or... hit on anything.
Serena: Blair's a bossy genius.
Blair: You know what's really weird? There is a garage door in the middle of your room.
Blair: Ugh. A girl wants Romeo, not Hamlet.
Serena: Romeo died.
Nate: I just don't get it, I organized everything the way she likes it. I mean, I even made sure sure my bowtie matched her dress.
Chuck: Like the book says, she's just not that into you.
Blair: If you don't pull it together I'm gonna go Naomi Campbell on you.
Rufus: But if I had known you hadn't actually left me for him, I mean maybe—
Lily: Listen, don't— Don't say it. Don't even think it.
Rufus: I can't help myself. I never should have let you let me go.
And as for me, I can see clearly now. XOXO —Gossip Girl.
Dan: How about an antique butter churn?
Serena: Oh my gosh. That would go so well with my loom.
Rufus: I kept your date for you with Alex. He's actually a pretty cool guy other than the fact that he's in love with my wife.
Blair: Serena is so grateful because she likes to see the best in people. Me? I like to see the truth.
Jenny: Okay, what now?
Dan: Now you go in there, you distract Dexter the humorless concierge, while I try and sneak this in an elevator.
Blair: Isn't there someone else you could torture?
Chuck: Probably. But I choose you.
Dan: Look Blair, I know you had your sights set on Yale but this Skull and Bones thing is a little much, don't you think?
Vanessa: What are you going to do to me, Blair? Blackball me from eating yogurt on the Met steps?
Serena: Anybody notice the weather today?
Blair: What?
Serena: Take a look outside, B. My First Response would be that the sky is a Clear Blue Easy.
Blair: Game over.
Chuck: Game's not over 'til I say it is.
Blair: Then have fun playing with yourself.
Nate: What are you doing here?
Blair: Your mom let me in.
Nate: I didn't ask how you got in, I asked why you came.
Serena: You're a Waldorf, remember? People don't tell you who you are. You tell them.
Gossip Girl: Wakey wakey, Upper East Siders. Spring Break is done and I'm starved for a dish. Were you sunning in Crete or sinning in Croatia? Give me the deets. And has anyone spotted our ex-Queen B? Where does the dethroned royalty vacation these days?
Serena: Okay, let's get one thing straight. Our parents may be insisting on blending our households, but I am not your sister. I do not share any of your DNA, nor do I ever wish to.
Chuck: Then I suggest you get new hand towels.
Gossip Girl: The French revolution had cake. The American had tea. But it looks like the overthrow of Blair Waldorf, well. Blair get nailed by some yogurt Who said you need a silver spoon to dole out just desserts.
Eric: Chuck is fun, okay? He's cool and he doesn't treat me like some freak that just got out of the Ostroff Center.
Serena: Who treats you like that?
Eric: Uh, guys at St. Jude's, the girls at Constance. Suke, at the Korean deli on 75th street.
Serena: What the hell's your problem?
Chuck: Specify the context.
Gossip Girl: There are three things we do alone: we are born, we die, and if we're a high school junior headed for college, we take the SATs.
Blair: Hey S. I'm just sipping a Ginkgo Biloba Blend and wondering how your stomach migraine is. Call me so I don't worry.
Nate: Next time your sister's band is in town I want front row seats.
Vanessa: You don't strike me as a Lesbian Punk fan.
Nate: You know I am just offended by how much you underestimate me, Ms. Abrams.
Vanessa: You like punk?
Nate: Oh. I didn't hear you— You said "punk"? Because you had me at "lesbian".
Iz: I am so glad Gossip Girl finally got her balls back.
Penelope: Yeah, she was totally turning into the new Page Six.
Blair: Whoever said that money doesn't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.
Dan: Jenny, is this true?
Jenny: It's private.
Dan: It's on the internet.
Blair: Watch and learn, Ladies. The most important parties to attend are the ones you're not invited to.
GG: Don't look so sad, Little J. The sun will come out tomorrow. Even if your boyfriend did today.
Blair: What is it?
Serena: I killed someone.
Dan: seeing Nate at Blair's Hm. Guess I missed a chapter. and Chuck Or... four. Don't all of you hate each other?
Blair: Yes.
Chuck: No.
Nate: Absolutely.
Dan: Well that's fascinating and rife for a psychiatrist's case study somewhere.
Blair: You can tell us anything. We don't judge. We're the non-judging Breakfast Club.
Nate: Hey, I only have a second. I'm on my way to Queens.
Blair: Ugh. Gross. Why?
Nate: To meet Vanessa at a concert.
Blair: It got grosser.
Blair: What if I told you I knew where Georgina Sparks was right now?
Chuck: I'd say let's get the bitch.
GG: Spotted: Blair and Chuck reunited to defend Serena's honor. With friends like these who needs armies?
Rufus: I just got the call. Lincoln Hawk is hitting the road. We're opening for The Breeders. I guess that Luscious Jackson reunion didn't work out.
Blair: Haven't you heard? I'm the crazy bitch around here. Have fun at reform school.
Lily: Rufus, what are you doing here? I thought we had security.
Rufus: You want them to throw me out?
Lily: Well I'd like the option considering how much I'm paying them.
Serena: So that's it then? It's just "Have a good Summer, I'll see you back at school."?
Dan: I guess. Yeah.
Chuck: I'd like to propose a toast. My father is someone who goes after what he wants. And Lily van der Woodsen was no exception. In typical Bass-man fashion his pursuit was direct and at times not exactly subtle. One thing I learned from my father's courtship of Lily is the importance of perseverance. That in the face of true love you don't just give up, even if the object of your affection is begging you to. One thing I learned from Lily is the importance of forgiveness. She gave my father the gift of a second chance and, in kind, I watched him become someone actually worthy of that gift. And one day I hope I'll be lucky enough to find someone who will do the same for me. To the happy couple!
Serena: So it's worth a week with Chuck to avoid airport security?
Blair: Oh, don't worry. I'm going to frisk him.
Serena: Oh, gross.
Blair: What can I say. He brings out the worst in me. And weirdly I think I bring the best out in him.
Serena: Blair and Chuck. Now there's a couple you can root for.
Season Two
The story continues...
Gossip Girl: Unlike the rest of us, sex, lies and scandal never take a vacation. Instead, they take the Long Island Expressway and head east. To the Hamptons.
Chuck: Girls you don't know how thankful I am to have finally found a use for geometry in my daily life.
Harris: Speaking of, where's that story of yours? You know, the one your internship requires you turn in.
Dan: Yeah, it's, uh, imminent.
Harris: So is death.
Blair: The only thing lamer than dating Dan Humphrey is mourning Dan Humphrey.
Chuck: Your eyes are doing that thing where they don't match your mouth.
Jenny: As nice as it is that you're encouraging me to get my designs out there, the White Party's like, super-exclusive. I mean summer interns do not get to go. Last year they even turned away Jack Johnson.
Rufus: Sounds like a party with taste!
Blair: Oo, a honk instead of a knock. Did someone order a townie?
Serena: And god, the lifeguard's got a Camaro. And not in an ironic I've-got-a-Camaro way.
Eric: "How well do you know Blair Waldorf?" is kind of boring for those of us that know Blair Waldorf.
Blair: Damn that Motherchucker!
Chuck to Eric: Do some research, Junior. I'm in the mood to be right.
Marcus: Tell me, what else do you think about me?
Blair: Keep talking in that accent and I'll come up with something.
Serena: And you really expect me to believe this isn't all revenge on Chuck?
Blair: Revenge is so twelve hours ago.
Chuck about Marcus: Once I get him out of the way I'll have a clear shot at Blair.
Nate: Oh you know it's love when you start talking like an assassin.
Blair: Marcus dated the descendant of Princess Grace. His consort needs to be able to host royal dinners and hobnob with oligarchs and dictators.
Serena: Well if you can't find common ground with a dictator I don't know who can.
Serena: Wait, so does this mean you actually think Dan has a redeeming quality?
Blair: Well as long as he knows his arse from his Arsenal I think he's aces.
Blair: She made Waldorf rhyme with Spears. I may as well have gone commando and held my party at Nyla's Burger Basket.
Blair: Turns out Marcus' mommy is even sicker than you are.
Chuck: You got along great.
Blair: I think she recognized a part of herself in me. Or rather I recognized someone in her.
Dan to the Gossip Girl fan club: This is both creepy and none of your business. So if you could just go. Just run along.
Serena: Who was that?
Chuck: A little whiff of the Far East.
Eleanor: So now interns have opinions. I have been gone awhile.
Chuck to Blair: You can't tell me Bertie Wooster is satisfying your needs.
Catherine: Blair, have you seen Nate?
Blair: Um, no. It's a blackout.
Eleanor: I spent the last month going around and meeting with the stores and boutiques that carry my clothes.
Jenny: That must have been so exciting.
Eleanor: I felt like a fat cheerleader.
Chuck: Humphrey was holding you back. You're a born queen this is your year to rule. Why fight it?
Serena: Because I don't want it, okay? Being queen is Blair's whole thing. Plus, if she needs a eunuch she knows where to look.
Chuck: You may feel differently when the trumpets call.
Jenny: Dad, how set are you on this whole "going-to-school" thing?
Rufus: Pretty set. Why?
Jenny: The first day of school is Draft Day. Blair and her merry band of psychos are going to be on a tear.
Eric: So you're basically using Blair's system to screen potential dates.
Chuck: Think of it as an early application process. There's so many slots in Chuck Bass’ social calendar. It'll save me a ton of time.
Eric: Seems a bit impersonal.
Chuck: Thank you.
Blair: Every year the projects pile shrinks while the victims pile—
Penelope: I believe in the voucher system.
Iz: It's like the government doesn't even care.
Jenny: It was like I didn't even exist.
Dan: Mm. Welcome to my world. It's not so bad once you get used to birds flying into your head and automatic doors never opening.
Rufus: Repo Man's playing at the Sunshine. You know how I love my Harry Dean Stanton.
Jenny: What were you thinking?
Dan: I was sleeping.
Jenny: No! I'm talking about you and Miss Little Hannah Montana on Gossip Girl.
Chuck: Cashing out so soon, Humphrey?
Dan: You really should wear a bell.
Chuck: Kinky. I'll think about it.
Amanda: Getting my hair burned off was not a part of the deal.
Chuck: Casualties of war.
Gossip Girl: When the white tents blossom in Bryant Park it can only mean one thing: Fashion Week.
Dan: Augh. School. Another day of reading, writing and aristocrats.
Jenny: Are you back to Invisible Boy?
Dan: Invisible suits me.
Lily: There's a Mappelthorpe that's coming up for auction, uh—
Serena: Wait, Mappelthorpe. Isn't that the one who took all the pictures of the naked guys?
Lily: Yeah. Um. Not just guys.
A cardinal rule of writing: if your work's too safe then do something dangerous.
Dan: I wouldn't know where to begin.
Then find someone who does know. When I was young Bukowski put a shot glass on my heard, blew it off with a pistol. Find your Bukowski. Then get back to me.
Dan: I've been thinking of me. And I have come to the conclusion that I need to get out of my comfort zone. I need to experience new things.
Chuck: Are you gay?
Dan: Now that would be out of my comfort zone, but no.
Chuck: You're either in for the full ride or you're out. What's it going to be?
Dan: Alright, pass me the shots.
Chuck: The liquor's just a chaser.
Dan: What is that?
Chuck: Does it matter? Go down the rabbit hole. Or go out the door.
Dan: Who knew there was a sex club behind the White Castle? And "beer before liquor". How do you know so many twins?
Chuck: Twins find me.
Dan: Jail. Brawling in public. You know I hear Yale's looking to create more bar fighters this year. Bar fighters and, um, Pacific Islanders. They're looking to round out the freshman class.
Blair: If there's one thing I know it's that I give good interview. I could make Larry King cry.
Chuck: I wonder what lucky school will be the subject of the next nursery rhyme penned by Brooklyn's lamest fiction writer.
Eleanor: I didn't realize it was Bring Your Father to Work Day.
Serena: I hate this stupid headband!
Nate: I hope you at least bought the statue a drink first.
Chuck: You may be the future leaders of America, but you're under the control of Chuck Bass.
Chuck: Isn't it about time you ended this bromance? What happens at Yale stays at Yale.
Chuck: We're inevitable, Waldorf.
Chuck: Did you have a reason for coming here? Because if it was to insult me there's a web site you can go to.
Lily: I wasn't that bad.
Eric: Our ring tone for you is "Since You've Been Gone".
Gossip Girl: Poor Chuck Bass. You made your bet. Now you have to lie in it.
Blair: I'm prepared to settle.
Chuck: Maybe I'm not.
Dorota: You are late. Time for breakfast.
Blair: I'll be down in a minute. I just have to finish something.
Dorota: Don't forget: God always watching Miss Blair.
Rufus: Honey, breathe.
Jenny: No! No time for oxygen! I am late.
Chuck: Wanna get in? I'd love to give you a ride.
Blair: Oh I'm sure you would.
Agnes: I'm Agnes, by the way. I think we've worked together because I kind of recognize the top of your head.
Jenny: Jenny. And yeah, 'cause I think I recognize your feet.
Dan: Hey. How's AP Economics treating you?
Serena: Well today there was a rousing debate about inflation versus liquidity. Which Isabel solved by calling Warren Buffett. Apparently he's her godfather.
Blair: You know just because you two are making a doomed attempt at being friends doesn't mean I have to play the enabler.
Chuck: I gave you a shot. And while your efforts were admirable, I'm bored. And you've ruined my pants. Goodnight, Blair.
Serena: Wow. This looks complicated.
Aaron: Don't worry. You walk into a surgery halfway through it looks like murder.
Serena: Can I help?
Aaron: You know how to weld?
Serena: Um, I've seen Flashdance several times.
Aaron: If you can tell me the fate of Cecil the Caterpillar I will go out with you.
Serena: Okay, I don't really date crazy people who speak in riddles.
Emma: So. Muffy McDonough's been bragging about how she's going to lose her virginity because she finally landed a date with the lacrosse captain. They call him the De-Virginator.
Blair: Oh my god. Stop your mouth from moving.
Emma: But now that I have the night away from mom and dad, we'll see who's first. I'm saying TTFN to my you-know-what.
Blair: Or, maybe we'll see how your mom feels about your little clearance sale, Lohan.
Blair: Well, you finally did it. Made absolutely sure I'm never going to get into Yale.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Blair: Little Emma? Turns out she's less Holly Hobby and more Jenna Jameson.
Agnes: Why do you keep eating those pot brownies, man? You know that sugar makes you spazz.
Blair: Text him!
Serena: I texted him like six times.
Blair: Well text him again! Before he screws that girl and any chance I have of getting into Yale.
Serena: You have to admit, the licorice ring was sweet.
Blair: Look. Even if you're just being literal I don't want to hear another word about your albatross until we find mine.
Chuck: Kittens, please. I found her table.
Blair: You're behind the plot Bass. She already left.
Rufus: C'mon, you gotta be kidding me! You're letting the Mr. Softee truck pass us?
Blair: You still don't get it. Having sex for the first time shouldn't be part of a competition to beat Muffy the Lacrosstitute.
Serena: B, it's time to get up. There are other schools besides Yale. Like Princeton.
Blair: Princeton is a trade school.
Aaron: You didn't eat that ring, did you?
Serena: No, not yet.
Aaron: Good. It's nine years old.
Serena: Aaron is coming to meet my family before Thanksgiving dinner.
Blair: And how do you plan to introduce him? "Mom, you DVR Big Love. This is Aaron. And he's just like Bill Paxton only younger. And with scruff."
Lawyer: I need to be sure you understand what "emancipation" means.
Jenny: I do. I've been researching it.
Eric: She's made me watch Irreconcilable Differences like 15 times.
Vanessa: My plan is to hole myself up in my studio, rent Berlin Alexanderplatz, and eat a frozen and organic turkey dinner.
Dan: Oh! Well god, you know no one enjoys a 16-hour German movie more than yours truly, but uh, you could come here instead.
Captain: My life in Dominica is... well it's good. We moved some money offshore before I left—enough to get a house on the ocean. Weather's always perfect, people are nice.
Nate: I'm so happy you're living it up in the Caribbean while we're squatting with no heat in New York.
Blair: Remember, Serena doesn't share!
Serena: Remember, Blair should learn to.
Bart: So how are things while we were away?
Eric: Um. Not so good. I don't think it's working out with Jonathan.
Bart: Huh. What do you know about someone at your school named Ben Shern?
Eric: He's the uh, captain of Jonathan's swim team. Why?
Bart: Just, maybe you want to ask Jonathan what he was doing Monday night.
Eric: You're home.
Chuck: My plans for the evening got held up at customs.
Serena: My new boyfriend Aaron is on his way over to meet everyone and I want your word on something.
Chuck: If you're talking about the dress, I'd say higher.
Eric: It's like the end of every heist movie ever made. Are those gold bars? I didn't think they actually made those. Is that, is that a satphone?
Chuck: Correction. Only a prototype. Put it back.
Lily: The Annual Van der Woodsen Diner Thanksgiving Dinner. We should have a standing reservation.
Eric: I think we do.
Lily: How did you get so wise?
Eric: The nanny.
Penelope: Oh. Hello Weird Documentary Girl.
Vanessa: Bye Sad Blair Wannabe.
Aaron: You okay with her coming tomorrow?
Serena: Yeah. It's a little When Harry Met Crazy.
Blair: Chuck is in for the shock of his life. I have depths he'll never plumb, but I know every inch of his wafer thin soul.
Vanessa: Jenny. What are you doing here?
Jenny: I'm still mad at you.
Vanessa: So what, you're going to kill me and put me in the garment bag?
Dorota: Please, I don't want to shine Mr. Chuck's shoes for a month.
Blair: Yeah, his shoes if you're lucky.
Dorota: What?
Blair: Nothing.
Lily: It's me. Can you inform Mr. Bass that my plans have changed? I won't be waiting and he shouldn't come to the ball.
Chuck: You look lovely.
Blair: Not as lovely as I'll look in my limo. So where's my Prince Uncharming?
Chuck: Sandbox rules. I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Lily: I'm leaving him. I'm doing it for me. I don't expect anything. Except maybe a dance.
Serena: I just thought sex was meaningful to you. That's all.
Dan: Well it is. Especially when I haven't had it in a long time.
Serena: Right. Okay then. Have fun.
Penelope: Where is she? How long does that subway thing take?
Blair: Everyone—even our doppelgangers can work it out. But we can't.
Chuck: You've been good for him—good for us. I always liked you regardless of how I may have acted. He's on his way here. You owe him a conversation.
Cecilia: In times of great uncertainties it's even more important that we continue our daily rituals.
Serena: You haven't eaten a Cheerio since you've been here.
Eric: And we know that's gin in your coffee cup.
Lily: We're doing comfort food. Nobody's comforted by a tuna tower.
Eleanor: Wow. That's a good picture. Lily should send a thank you note to the editor.
Tyler: My condolences.
Chuck: Skip the sympathy. This is business. My father met with you right before he died. I want to know what you told him that night.
Tyler: I worked for Mr. Bass. Not you. And what I have, you're not the only party interested.
Chuck: I'm about to become very rich.
Tyler: Yeah. Congrats.
Nate: We should have just driven to the door and dropped him off on the steps.
Blair: No one should see him like this. He needs to walk it off. Okay, walk it off, Chuck. Lift knee, bend foot.
Nate: Maybe we should have just left him at The Palace.
Blair: It's his father's funeral. He needs to be here and show his respects.
Chuck: Respect. My father wasn't shown much of that in his final days.
Nate: What's he talking about?
Blair: Who knows. When we found him his shoes were on the wrong feet. Chuck, remember how in eighth grade you used to help yourself to the decanter in The Captain's library?
Chuck: First got my taste for single malt.
Nate: That's right. And you'd have to go home to a four course dinner without passing out in your consommé.
Chuck: Or my father would think less of me. What does that matter now?
Blair: Chuck, am I going to have to stick my finger down your throat? I'll hold back your hair. to Nate What?
Nate: Sorry Blair. You had me, then you lost me.
Blair: Just straighten his tie.
Rufus: You're back soon. Wouldn't have thought Bart Bass would be one to have a short funeral.
Dan: Chuck threw me out before it even started. Because according to him, ah, my father killed his father.
Nate: You're really sweet with him.
Blair: Me? Sweet? No.
Nate: Yeah you are. I mean worrying about him, offering him food. It's downright maternal.
Blair: I'm not maternal, I've just been spending too much time with Cyrus and I'm turning Jewish.
Serena: Aaron invited me to Buenos Aires for the holidays.
Dan: Oh! Okay. Well, I've never been so I don't know how helpful I can be with travel tips. I know that it's summer there so pack a bikini.
Cecilia: What are you going to do about the fact that you're in love with Rufus Humphrey?
Lily: Well I'm not sure I'm going to do anything. At least not right away.
Cecilia: So you are in love with him. I was fishing.
Lily: Well. You caught me.
Gossip Girl: We hear Chuck Bass isn't the only one who lost someone he loved this week. Our deepest condolences, Miss Waldorf. XOXO —Gossip Girl.
Eric: So Nelly Yuki is the new old Jenny Humphrey.
Serena: Hey, did Jack ever find Chuck?
Blair: Yeah. What was left of him. I'm surprised they made it through customs. Chuck's body odor could have given a contact high to half of Manhattan.
Serena: I'm sure Chuck will say it back. He was probably thinking about you the whole time he was gone.
Blair: Not unless I was a Thai hooker named Beau. There's something else.
Dan: Hey.
Serena: Oh. Hey, this is my news. When I was in Buenos Aires I—
Blair: A postcard would have been fine. I'm really happy for you. I'm going to go vomit now.
Chuck: You didn't say the magic word.
Blair: What are you even doing here? You should be passed out. Or hooked up to an IV.
Chuck: Uncle Jack. What a surprise. How've you been?
Jack: Uh huh. So you don't remember our rickshaw ride down Ceylon Road? The fifteen hour flight?
Chuck: That was you?
Jack: Yeah. That was me.
Iz: You're getting into The Colony Club? They never take girls from high school.
Blair: I know. I was surprised too. That's not entirely true. The point is, enough of this high school nonsense. Nelly or no Nelly, who cares? I have enough going on already. God!
Iz: Blair's leaving us behind. It's like the end of an era.
Penelope: We're more than any one member. And the only way Nelly is leaving, is in a body bag.
Hazel: God. P. Tone down the crazy.
Iz: So should I keep counting?
Hazel: Oh, shut up, Iz.
Serena: Hey, is everything okay? I came as fast as I could.
Blair: Fine. False alarm.
Serena: Wait. What happened?
Blair: Chuck. He's holed up at Victrola in some Jim Morrison downward spiral.
Chuck: That's the problem with an open invitation. Can't keep out the hoi polloi.
Blair: I thought I was leaving high school behind. I guess you never do. Dorota will get your coats.
Eric: Welcome back. How was Thailand?
Chuck: I honestly don't remember.
Blair: I wouldn't have come to this party if I didn't know I wasn't VIP.
Lawyer: Now Charles, your uncle Jack Bass is your closest living relative has been named as your legal guardian. Are you comfortable with this?
Chuck: Curfew?
Jack: No.
Chuck: Girls sleeping over.
Jack: Yes. Please.
Chuck: I'll allow it.
Blair: Your dad wrote you a letter? You have to read it.
Nate: Yeah, aren't you curious to know what it says?
Chuck: I think I can guess. "You're a disappointment of a son." "I'd die of embarrassment if I wasn't already." "Why do you wear so much purple."
Dan: If your mom says nothing's going on then that's good.
Serena: Yeah well, she usually is pretty honest about these things. A little too honest actually.. Supposedly Sarkozy was a bad kisser.
Dan: Well that's a relief. Not the thing about Sarkozy. That's kind of disappointing.
Chuck: Look I owe you a lot, Jack. You saved my life when I didn't want to be saved.
Jack: You noticed that Thai waitress I was going to take home the other night had a penis. So, consider us even.
Serena: Blair, who did this? sees two Mean Girls I see they act alone now.
Blair: It's so hard finding obedient minions.
Mini-minion: Dating Nate Archibald after striking out with Dan Humphrey? Talk about failing upwards.
Jack: Last time I had a friend like that I wind up with gonorrhea.
Chuck: Suprex?
Jack: Rocephin.
Hazel: You stole Dan Humphrey's phone?
Penelope: Not bad, Nelly. At this rate you'll be off probation by your second marriage. Is that candy?
Blair: Spare me those expressive eyebrows. I can't wait 'till you get botox.
Eric: I would say "get a room". But yours is right above mine. Please try to remember that.
Blair: Witch hunts are my valium, Serena.
Jack: If I had known my own personal Mata Hari was here I would've come sooner.
Lily: Did you really try to buy anthrax with his credit card?
Chuck: The black market isn't what it used to be.
Lily: And you got him on Megan's List?
Chuck: If only his apartment were a few blocks closer to a playground.
Serena: I know that look. You're up to no good.
Blair: Good is subjective. Look it up.
Blair: You're the Constance student? to Hazel Cancel the Nelly Yuki project now!
Rufus: My hair is terrible. Not since '91—
Lily: If you care about your hair you're more apart of my world than ever.
Blair: What are you doing?
Serena: I'm just reading the Brown catalog. Oh! And I ordered a home dreadlocking kit.
Blair to Dorota: Serena's sympathetic to the enemy. I have to cross her off my list of recruits.
Dorota: Miss Blair. Your martyr act? No good.
Hazel: Is a scandal still a scandal if you can't text about it?
Penelope: That's very zen.
Hazel: Thank you Jesus.
Blair: No. "Thank you Blair". And thank you, Dorota.
Blair: I want you to dig deep—and I mean deep—into Rachel's past. We're gonna run that Commie Corn Husker straight out of Constance.
Iz: Between milking cows in Des Moines and teaching low-income kids to read and write, Ms. Carr is clean as a whistle.
Hazel: Seriously. She's the midwestern Mother Teresa.
Blair: Impossible, Hazel. Your methods of inquiry must be as tired as your hair.
Blair's GG text: Lonely Boy and Ms. Carr? Mary Kay Letourneau alert! XOXO.
Jenny: Anything you want to tell me?
Dan: Um... besides I'm glad you're not wearing that racoon makeup anymore? Because you looked like one of The Incredibles.
Nate: So the ultimate gentleman's club was here? 'Cause this place reminds me of my aunt's house.
Blair: The ladies room? I knew you and Serena were having problems. I never knew they were anatomical.
Blair: Turns out I can still apply to Oberlin.
Blair: I believe it's called exculpatory evidence. I love Damages.
Dan: I just can't believe this is a senior requirement.
Nate: Or that Chuck actually got a doctor to actually diagnose him with acute stage fright.
Should have gone with mercury poisoning.
Blair: Get out of my way! I need to make a fat lady sing.
Penelope: No wonder Yale dumped you. Who wants inbred legacies.
Julian: Have you ever seen Little Foxes?
Vanessa: Are you kidding? Serena made me see it like, what, three times? She's obsessed with Betty Davis.
Serena: Betty Davis. Um, yeah.... I love her eyes. Her hair is Harlow gold.
Nate: You want feelings? Well I, I, I hate these clothes. I hate this play. And I hate pretentious asshats who try and steal other people's girlfriends.
Nelly: I hate this fat suit!
Dan: Why don't we retire to the parlor for some port. With Mr. and Mrs. van der Luydens.
Nate: I don't give a damn about the van der Luydens, Humphrey.
Dan: Alright.
Dan: Hey Blair, it's Rachel who's been messing with you. And... we had sex in the costume closet. So you can do whatever you want with that.
Vanessa: Budapest. Prague. Brest. Dubrovnik.
Dan: Ah, there's nothing like summer on the Eastern Bloc. Just a Eurorail Pass and a backpack full of failed socialist policies.
Serena: Chuck, she's embarrassed. So we just need to give her some time to lick her wounds.
Chuck: Maybe I can lick them for her.
Serena: Wait, you're not showing Rufus
that are you?
Lily: Well. We agreed to be up front with each other.
Serena: Up front, okay. But mom. It's gonna take him 20 minutes to get through the 90s alone.
Vanessa: I feel like a Republican at the Kennedy compound.
Nate mentioned you're kind of an activist in your community. A documentary filmmaker.
Vanessa: Oh, yeah. Well I think you've been misinformed. The only thing Nate's ever voted for is American Idol.
Dorota: I'm sorry but Miss Blair very specific. No tell
Miss Serena, no tell Mr. Chuck. But if Mr. Chuck come tell him Mr. Carter more attentive to woman's—
Chuck: Enough! I'm not going to play "Where's Waldorf" all night.
Nate: Summer Pierogy Tour '09. I can't wait.
A prepubescent girl answers the door: May I help you?
Chuck: Great. Looks like Polanski's in town.
Vanessa: Security check? I can't even fit my lipstick in here. What could I possibly be trying to sneak in?
Dan: I don't know. Liberal agenda. Universal healthcare. Education reform. Increasing the Estate Tax.
Blair: Oh. You would know. Three DUIs now, is it? Not that I blame you. Her way to escape the whispers that you made your money in adult entertainment websites.
Chuck stepping in: Sorry everyone.
Blair: Bye!
Chuck to the porn impresario: Big fan of your sites.
Dan sees a woman taking a shot with her iPhone: Oh look! That's wonderful. I'll be sure to check that out on bitchslappedagain.com later.
Rufus: Lily's doing breakfast today. She wants to talk to us.
Dan: Ominous.
Jenny: Or delicious.
Eric: Does this feel like a sitcom to anybody else?
Dan: Feels like a reality show.
Chuck: Good. So I can vote you off.
Dan: Guilty : Liberal Victims and Their Assault on America by Ann Coulter.
Vanja: Dorota gave it to me. She said important to know enemy. It's okay. I read to make Dorota happy.
Penelope: In the past ten minutes I've been hit on by two Bronfmans and a gay designer. It was so worth it.
Hazel: Kudos on rising up from the social grave.
Nelly: Speaking of graves, did something die in that pot?
Dan: It's cumin.
Jonathan: Nothing says "Jenny Humphrey" like a customized cocktail napkin.
Vanessa: I came to you because I wanted to do something besides feel sorry for myself. But all it's been is sleazy platitudes and... you staring at my boobs.
Chuck: I came up with several excellent ideas. You shot most of them down.
Vanessa: Yeah, because they all involved leaking a Chuck/Vanessa sex tape to the internet.
Chuck: We don't have to leak the tape if you don't want to.
Vanessa: You're consistent. If twisted.
Blair: The ducks do soothe me.
Blair: Just because I lost Yale does not mean I'm wasting my time at a non-Ivy reading Beloved six times and experimenting with lesbianism.
Eleanor: Waldorf women are not socialites!
Eleanor: I have never thrown a Seder before. I don't even know how to say half the words in this prayer book that's named for Lieberman's wife.
Cyrus: I can certainly look into the legalities of it. But I think you should tell your mother.
Serena: We're not in a good place right now. I don't think I could go up to her and say, "Sorry, I got married in Spain. But don't worry. Cyrus is helping me get a quickie annulment."
Jenny: I would have invited you to the loft but the only chef we have there is my dad and his specialties include waffles and embarrassing me.
Lily: Rufus' gallery is in Williamsburg.
You should move your gallery to the city. Williamsburg is already over.
Rufus: I didn't realize an entire neighborhood could be over.
Eleanor: Would you like to join us? We're having a Seder.
Serena: No. No. I'm
sure he can't.
Gabriel: No no. I'd love to meet the people in Serena's life. Perhaps it'll help me better understand her.
Eleanor: Wonderful! There's even an empty seat. It's for Elijah but you can take it.
Chuck: What a shock. The girl from Brooklyn is a renter.
Jenny: Don't you have a guest to attend to?
Chuck: It appears I already did.
Blair: I can't believe I sold out Nate to be the next Jackie O.
Serena: Yeah I always pictured you as the next Hillary.
Blair: Except I'd win.
Blair: NYU? What was I thinking? You know how I feel about ironic facial hair.
Blair: How's the foreigner?
Serena: Blair, Gabriel's from North Carolina. That's in the United States.
Blair: Not by choice.
Let me remind you of a little thing called the Civil War.
Blair: Gabriel is disappearing for a reason. We need to get to the bottom of it.
Serena: No. We don't.
Blair: Oh come on! Let's follow him tonight. We can dress up, use code names. Dorota is a great help with surveillance equipment.
Lily: Oh. I asked the caterer for a '99 Brunello. This isn't a PTA meeting.
Chuck: Archibald what are we doing here? This place is great, but Murray Hill? I mean your mother's too hip for this zip code.
Chuck: If you needed to mark your territory so badly Nathaniel, maybe you should just pee on her.
Vanessa: Dan you're lucky. However bad your life sucks right now, you didn't need an STD panel this week.
Blair: Nate what are you doing here? I thought there was a Mets game. I saw Dorota wearing her hat.
Blair: I can't believe I have to see my sworn enemy with Nancy Pelosi hair.
Welcome! Are you a wayward soul in need of direction?
Chuck: I think I'm in the wrong place.
Georgina: Chuck Bass? Have you been saved too?
Chuck: It's Serena.
Georgina: Oo! Say hi for me. I have so much love in my heart for that girl.
Georgina: What happened to your limo?
Chuck: Parker won't answer his phone, but I'm guessing Blair took it.
Georgina: Blair? You came here with Blair? You know what, it's actually my day off. And I really miss the city.
Gossip Girl: Oh dear queen, heed the words of a king. Look like an angel, talk like an angel, the devil in disguise. XOXO.
The Wrath of Con
Gossip Girl: Four wise men once said, "I get by with a little help from my friends".
Chuck: Do you have a glass in this thing?
No, man. What do you think this is?
Gossip Girl: But on the Upper East Side there's the added challenge of figuring out who those friends really are.
Gossip Girl: Looks like Georgina's losing her religion. Or has B met her match in the battle for G's soul?
Gossip Girl: They say that numbers don't lie and money talks. But can Georgina still speak Poppy's language.
Gossip Girl: Oh no. We warned you no good would come from spinning a wicked web. You just get all tangled up in your wicked lies.
Rufus: Please return this for me.
And the more you twist, the tighter the trap.
Chuck: I need you to dig up what dirt you can on the offices of the 55th precinct.
Nate: Detective Sanders? Yes, my grandfather William van der Bilt said you could help me get some information.
Blair: Serena's mom gave her that bracelet. It's been in the family for years. She couldn't have stolen it.
Gossip Girl: Until you're locked in a prison of your own making. Smile for the camera S. XOXO —Gossip Girl.
Reversals of Fortune
Dan: I see the cat's out of the bag.
Rufus: And topless on Valentino's yacht.
Jenny: So fair, everyone's topless on Valentino's yacht.
Vanessa: Yeah. Nate's family. And I'm sure Blair and Chuck will be there if that murder-suicide I predicted hasn't happened yet.
Eric: "Mrs. Jennifer Humphrey". When did you get married?
Jenny: It doesn't matter. It's engraved.
Blair: How's your tureen?
Chuck: Bland. How's your julep?
Blair: Weak.
Gossip Girl: Forget a grand entrance. Everybody knows it's the exit they'll remember.
Nate: I'm good at secret relationships. I've had a bit of practice.
Carter: Anybody seen a girl in an orange dress?
Chuck: It's not Constance, Blair. The only queens are the ones with tickets to see Liza at Carnegie Hall.
Blair: Chuck, I trust that when you say never drink absinthe with Daniel Baldwin you know what you're talking about.
Gossip Girl: Rah rah sis boom bah. Georgina's pulled a coup d'etat. This is going to be a blast.
Chuck: For people like us a college degree is just an accessory. Like a Malawi baby or a poodle.
Vanessa: Maybe we were a little bit too harsh.
Dan: It's Georgina.
Vanessa: And you're Dan.
Dan: And you're Vanessa. This is a fun game.
Katie: So was everyone at your high school totally jealous of Dan for being such a great writer?
Blair: Dan's a writer?
Gossip Girl: Seems that Blair Waldorf has finally found Jesus. And invited Him to crash the party.
Gossip Girl: Uh oh, B. Looks like your new flock was just led astray. And by Dan Humphrey, no less. I guess they know a false prophet when they see one.
Blair: There's a reason we never went downtown. It's awful. The minute you cross 14th Street people forget there's a class system.
Eric: Oh wow. '72 Bowie is a dead ringer for Shakira.
Blair: That photograph is mine! Blair storms out
Chuck: She stole my shoes?
Georgina: This is my kind of date.
Dan: Racing to an art auction to confront a possible stalker? Was your last boyfriend Batman?
Blair: S. What are you doing?
Serena: What are you guys doing sabotaging Carter? Three bottles of '95 Dom on his hotel room service bill. One of your favorites if I recall.
Chuck: So we started a stealth campaign to destroy his credibility. The room service bill, the girl on the street—
Blair: The warrant.
Serena: What warrant?
Blair: Well he might want to take a DNA sample down to the 24th Precinct tomorrow.
Serena: I went looking for him.
Serena: You know, I have to go. As Serena leaves Blair eyes Chuck
Chuck: Fine. I'll call my guy at the precinct.
Gossip Girl: In a bidding war, even when you win what you thought you wanted can be reappraised.
Georgina: It's Blair and Chuck. Talk about a victimless crime.
MacPherson: Nice photo.
Chuck: Thanks. Chuck Bass. Big fan. By the way, when your lease at the Empire Hotel isn't renewed, thank bright eyes here.
Blair: NYU is hell.
Chuck: Well what do you expect from a place where the men wear sandals.
Jenny: What is this? Did you not hear me this morning?
Carmen: Oh, you mean your cute little attempt at Perestroika?
Jane: We're going back to the old way. Queens, hierarchy and no Brooklyn wannabe's.
Jenny: Congratulations. Your girlfriend's installed a puppet regime.
Chuck: Blair's gone Colonel Kurtz. She needs to be brought back to reality.
Blair: Dorota, these martinis taste like tap water. Don't be a Scrooge with the gin.
Bree: Yeah. Tried to mend the "I'm dating a van der Bilt" fence.
Didn’t work. We're Southern, o family loyalty’s real big down there.
Blair: Like slavery. What? I'm joking. You know I'm joking, right Bree?
Blair: Trust me Nate. I know women. And none of us are that nice.
Dan: Dad, what are you doing here?
Rufus: I've been running.
Dan: You've been running? With jeans on? And it didn't chafe?
Georgina: Why won't he respond to any of my calls or texts or animated e-cards?
Vanessa: Are you serious?
Georgina: The last one I sent him was this adorable singing dog.
Georgina: Well that was just pathetic! Haven't you ever tried to get somebody to dump a celebrity before?
Vanessa: No.
Georgina: That's okay. Plan B. You’re familiar with Photoshop, I presume?
Serena: Acceptable. Hey Jenny, you okay? You've been working on that dress all night.
Jenny: Yeah. It's like my own Project Runway challenge.
Dan: You know, I really missed you while you were away.
Georgina: You did? I heard you were seeing someone.
Dan: I was. But it turned out she was dating Orlando Bloom behind my back. Can you believe that.
Georgina: No. It is amazing how down that guy's Star-O-Meter has gone.
Kim Gordon: Well, by the power vested in me, by a sketchy service on the internet, I pronounce you husband and wife.
Scott: Sorry for not telling you who I was.
Dan: You know, I should have guessed. No one under 40 has ever shown that much interest in Lincoln Hawk.
Amalia: Vanessa's giving the toast again. And she's got some big pink claw thing.
PJ: A picture really is worth a thousand words. Or in this case, an election.
Ellis: Number 27 on the Tribeca Scavenger Hunt: Kiss the Chuck Bass. Check.
Olivia: So. Anyone famous here? I mean besides me.
Chuck: You there. One of Blair's new minions, aren't you.
New Mean Girl: You're Chuck Bass. Blair said you couldn't come.
Chuck: Dinner cancelled. The Emir had to fly home. Something about a revolution.
Gossip Girl: Sorry ladies. Les jeux sont fait. Thanks for playing. Each other.
Dan: So you really think the sight of Olivia in fake fangs reciting stilted dialogue is going to be a deal breaker, don't you?
Nate: Oh the dialogue is awesome. It's the part without the talking that's the problem.
Dan: I think I can handle some PG-13 bloodsucking. C'mon.
Nate: Seriously, I mean do you not get internet here in Brooklyn? Okay, Patrick Roberts who plays her vampire co-star was her boyfriend the whole time they were shooting this. All the blogs said they got really into it and started doing it for real. Like, sex scene on the cutting room floor real.
Dan: I think the most disturbing part in all of this is you've been reading Endless Nights blogs.
Serena, without Endless Nights, Patrick is on the road to Mark Hamill-hood.
Serena: Is that the guy from Star Wars that's not Harrison Ford?
Dan: Is her acting this good in the rest of the movie? I mean just look at the way she's looking at him. That's love. That's definitely love. And lust. And... gratitude—
Nate: Dude, it's an orgasm.
Dan: Yeah.
Olivia: Patrick is coming out for the Gimlet opening tonight. He's already on a plane.
Dan: I don't like where this is headed. I have a gun.
Casey: Your job now includes publicly dating Patrick.
Serena: I don't know if I'd call that work.
Casey: Get back to me after date two.
Blair: I'm giving you a chance to leave that Lizzie Grubman wannabe before you get run over.
Chuck: Do you really think I want to spend the weekend watching girls with tramp stamps work out their daddy issues?
Serena: You have fun tonight. These are probably the last people in New York who thinks you matter.
Blair: Jenny, you're lucky to have me. Don't push it.
Jenny: Your era's over. And so is that headband.
Rufus: I still really don't get how these events work.