Vanessa: Your dad called me because he couldn't reach you. I told him to call Serena because I assumed she'd be with you. Because what other reason could there possibly be that you haven't called or emailed me all summer. Or making me have this conversation in the doorway.
Dan: Vanessa, I'm so sorry about that, but there is a reason.
Vanessa: Is it because you've become a hoarder?

Vanessa: What other possible reason could there be in the God-I-Don't-Believe-In's Universe for Georgina Sparks to be leaving lingerie around your house?
Dan: Meet Milo. He's our son.

Dan: Do you know how difficult it is to keep a baby alive? You can't drop it, you can't leave it alone. It has to eat like every three hours. If I don't know what hit me here, how am I supposed to tell my dad?
Vanessa: I have to ask, as will Rufus: are you sure Milo's yours?
Dan: Of course he is. I mean I'm pretty.... I'm pretty sure.
Vanessa: You didn't have a paternity test?

Dan: I've been waiting for the crazy shoe to drop but it never did. I mean, he's been great with Milo.
Vanessa: Dan, we're talking about Georgina Sparks. Her hair lies. You can't trust one thing that comes out of her mouth. Let alone anywhere else.

Dan: Who could have seen this coming?
Nate: Have you met Georgina?
Dan: Good point.

Dan to the tune of This Land is Your Land: This loft is your loft, this loft is my loft. Where's your Aunt Jenny, she moved to Hudson. She wears— leggings...
Nate: Wow. I did not need to see or.... hear that.

Juliet: Vanessa, you're amazing with him.
Dan: Yeah, she's a serious Baby Whisperer.

Nate: When was the last time you checked your phone?
Dan: Obviously not as recently as you did.

Nate: I'm sorry.
Dan: I know.
Nate: Truth is, I don't even know how I feel about Serena. I just, I want a clear shot at finding out without —
Dan: You don't have to say it.
Nate: Yeah. How do you feel about her?
Dan: I was in the middle of trying to figure that out when I was interrupted by the arrival of Georgina's swollen belly. It was kind of hard to focus after that.
Nate: I'll take your word for it.

Dan: Now whatever's happened in the past, right here, right now, I want to be with you.

Serena: Mom! Hey!
Lily: Serena. Darling, what are you doing here?
Serena: Larissa told me where you were. I came straight from the airport.
Lily: Well we have a surprise for you.
Serena: Great. But first I want to find Dan and Nate.
Dan: Find me? I'm right here.
Serena: Dan! And Vanessa! Hey...
Nate: Hey Serena.
Serena: Nate.
Nate: Juliet.
Serena: Hi.
Juliet: Hi. Nice to meet you.
Rufus: Hey Serena.
Serena: Rufus and... baby?
Dan: This is Milo. He's my son.
Serena: Son?
Vanessa: You saw me four months ago. If you thought I was pregnant then I'm offended.
Serena: Okay, is someone gonna help fill me in?
Nate: Not it.
Dan: Yeah, I will explain everything. Just sit down, I gotta get him a bottle.

Rufus: I'm so sorry. I know how much Milo means to you.
Dan: I just can't believe this. Why? Why would Georgina do this?

Vanessa: And the only thing we know about Georgina's whereabouts is that she's in St. Barts.
Dan: I called every resort I could find. There is no Georgina Sparks staying at any of them. She could have moved to a different island by now, she could be staying under a different name, I don't know, but she took everything, Vanessa. She took her passport. She's gone. She left Milo and I don't think she's coming back.

Vanessa: If Ted Danson and Tom Selleck can do it, so can we. Right?
Dan: As long as it doesn't make me Guttenberg.

Dan: Well you don't really have the Humphrey jaw, but my name's on your birth certificate. So I'm gonna be your dad. Vanessa's going to be here. Which means you'll probably be the only kid in preschool who's seen The Battleship Potemkin more times than Finding Nemo.

Dan: I'm truly glad that you've gotten your priorities straightened out here, but there is no way that I'm letting you take this child.
Georgina: I'm sorry Dan, but it's not your choice. He's not your son.

Dan: Hey, I'm just curious. Did you pack that hideous bathmat that your mom made for you?
Vanessa: It's a prayer rug.
Dan: Oh. Okay. Was it wrong of me to pray that it got lost in the move?

Dan: Your pancakes are burning. Why did you bring out four plates?
Vanessa: Don't be mad but this has been going on for too long so I had to call for backup.

Dan: I'm fine.
Vanessa: Dan, you've been sleeping all day, cutting class. I caught you watching Wild Hogs and laughing.

Vanessa: Where are you going?
Dan: I'm going to go to Nate's. I would have told you sooner but your intervention intervened.

Dan: Well I'm sure you heard that Milo's not mine. Georgina took him back.
Serena: Yeah, my mom told me. I'm sorry. How do you feel?
Dan: Vanessa and everyone keeps asking me that. Trying to get me to talk about it like it was this crushing blow, but I just got my life back. I want to enjoy it now, you know?

Serena: Even though you may regret entering my world, at least you've developed terrific social espionage skills.
Dan: Well as they say, adapt or die.

Dan: Not only am I manly and rugged but I have mad browsing skills.

Dan: I think the truth is she's not convinced that I'm over you. And I'm probably not.

Blair: The woman is a saint! She didn't recoil from those creepy cat rescuers. Or turn away from those pictures of the starving children. She didn't even cringe when that homeless man licked her arm.
Dan: Well she might be used to weird guys licking her.
Serena: Yeah, 'cause she may be a saint but she's also a prostitute.

Blair: I've never been so happy for internet porn! Humphrey, you've done a fine job. Serena and I can take it from here.
Dan: Okay, but you may lose me to CSI: Williamsburg.

Rufus: Dan, you need to face what's really going on here.
Dan: Dad, nothing is going on. Milo's gone. I don't need to be an adult anymore. I was just— Can't I have a fun day with a friend?
Rufus: Not if it involves lying to the woman you're living with. Dan. Talk to me.
Dan: When Milo was here, every decision I made was for his benefit. But now, I mean, I just wonder if I made all the wrong choices. When Georgina showed up here that day—pregnant—I mean I was about to fly to Paris. I was going to tell Serena that I loved her and that I would do whatever it took to get her back.

Nate: I covered for you! Okay? And I think Vanessa bought it but you know I'm a bad liar. Juliet took her for coffee . What's going on?
Dan: Um... it's complicated.
Nate: Does complicated mean you're cheating on Vanessa?

Nate: Woah woah woah. So now your promises to Blair mean more than your pact with me? Or your relationship with Vanessa?
Dan: Nate, she's a prostitute.
Nate: What?
Dan: I don't mean in a gold diggerish, "Eva's into Chuck's money" kind of way, I mean she's like got a web page and a price list. But you can't tell Chuck. Please please please don't tell Chuck. Blair wants to deal with this on her own.
Nate: Yeah, I bet she does.

Dan: I had fun today. For the first time in a really long time.
Vanessa: Good for you, Dan. I'm glad that Serena's so fun and I'm sorry that I'm not. That I'm just trying to make you deal with your feelings; with your life.
Dan: Every second of every day.
Vanessa: I'm trying to help you because that's what adults do in an adult relationship.

Dan: I need to know. When you came home, were you coming home to me or him?
Serena: Honestly Dan, I was trying to choose.
Dan: Serena, there are some people who don't need to choose.

Dan: It's a really weird, embarrassing thing for a college guy to be admitting but ah, losing Milo... broke my heart.
Vanessa: I know. Mine too.

Nate: That's great you and Vanessa sorted everything out. We should double. Juliet and I are going to this Faculty & Friends mixer tomorrow night at the Hamilton House. You guys wanna come?
Dan: Mm... No.
Nate: There's free appetizers, Humphrey.
Dan: Oh. Okay. Fine. You wanna go see a movie afterward?
Nate: No can do.
Dan: Oh come on, it doesn't even have to have subtitles.
Nate: That sounds great. No, Juliet and I have this nice little evening planned after the mixer. Got some nice champagne, new Matteo sheets. And I'm hoping some recently purchased lingerie.
Dan: That's for her, right? Wait a second, you guys haven't ah...
Nate: No, I haven't. I did spend the night at her place but I took a page from the old Humphrey playbook and we just talked and played Scrabble.
Dan: That's nice. Thanks. By the way, thank you for inviting me today. After everything that's happened between us—
Nate: Yeah yeah yeah. I missed you too. No hugs. You're not getting a hug.
Dan: Not one?
Nate: Not one.

Dan: Vanessa, like I told you on the phone I'm sure it's totally false. And what business is it of yours anyway? You and I both got tested when we first started sleeping together. You remember that? I sure do and I have not been with anyone else since.
Vanessa: Dan, Serena was sleeping in your bed and wearing your t-shirt. If something else happened, I need to know.
Dan: Nothing else happened. What happened to our big talk? 'Cause honestly I don't know if I can have the same conversation one more time.

Nate: Thanks for coming with me man.
Dan: No problem. I shouldn't have told you about the cotton swab thing. That was insensitive. But just think about how happy you'll be with a clean bill of health tomorrow.
Serena: What the hell are you doing? And you, it's been what, two years?
Dan: I'm a wingman.

Dan: There's a rumor going around that Serena has, um... she has something.
Rufus: Has "something"?
Dan: Yeah.... Please get there faster.

Dan: Hey. What's going on.
Serena: Vanessa stole my phone and sent an email to my professor.
Dan: That's crazy.
Serena: Really? Do you want to answer that?

Vanessa: I can explain.
Dan: You took Serena's phone?
Serena: She thinks we slept together. Wait, you were the one behind the Gossip Girl rumor.
Vanessa: What? No! I know how this looks but I did not send out that email. Juliet did. She's the one who wanted to steal your cellphone in the first place.
Juliet: Are you kidding me? There's no way that I'm getting dragged into this. I wasn't going to say anything, but Vanessa came to me today. She asked me to help her get revenge and I told her no.
Vanessa: That is a lie!
Nate: No it's not. Juliet told me before the party. She was hoping to talk to Vanessa and calm her down, but... I'm sorry, man.
Dan: Wait, is that why you were so happy earlier and you wanted to get out of here?
Serena: Yeah, with my phone so that she could get rid of the evidence and make sure I was expelled.
Vanessa: I did not do this. After everything we've been through I'm asking you to please believe me.
Dan: I don't know what to believe right now.

Vanessa: Dan it's really important to me that you know I didn't start any rumors. Or send out that email.
Dan: I believe you—I think. But it doesn't change the fact that you didn't believe me.
Vanessa: I know that now. It's just too bad that it took losing you to figure out.

Dan: Hey man, what are you doing up so early?
Nate: Oh just visiting my dad. Thought I'd check in. You okay?
Dan: Yeah, well Vanessa went to stay with her folks for awhile.
Nate: Sorry man. Probably for the best though, right?
Dan: Yeah I suppose. I guess part of her just believes that I'll always be in love with Serena no matter what I say.
Nate: Yeah. Crazy.

Dan: Okay, so what's really going on?
Jenny: Well Blair stopped by with her Welcome Wagon. I don't know why I thought I could sneak back in for a day, but...
Eric: How did she know you were here before I did?
Jenny: She's the Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side. I'm sure one of her monkeys spotted me getting off the train or something. But it's fine. She's giving me a day pass as long as I don't see or talk to anyone.
Dan: That's ridiculous.
Jenny: Yes. It is 100% Vintage Crazy-ass Blair. But really, though. I mean I have no interest in going back to being GI Jenny and warring with Blair.
Eric: How very Gandhi of you.
Dan: But in case Eastern philosophy does fail you, how about I meet you downtown after my class and I can escort you back up here.
Jenny: Thanks. But really the only person I have to worry about today is Tim Gunn.

Dan: Chuck—
Chuck: Before you say anything I'm only calling because I saw Gossip Girl. I wondered if I might be able to offer some assistance.
Dan: Well unless it's a murder-suicide I think I'll pass.
Chuck: So dramatic. You should be a writer.

Jenny: I have a Blair-shaped target on my back.
Dan: You wanted to be Gandhi, now's your chance. Let's go find Tim Gunn.

Dan: So much for Zen Jenny Humphrey.
Jenny: Come on, Dan. I just did what needed to be done.
Dan: It's what Blair and Chuck would have done. Jen, I was proud of you for moving on. But if this is what you've become after just a day back? Maybe Blair was right after all, and maybe you should go back to Hudson.

Rufus: So you seemed pretty eager to get together this morning.
Dan: What? Your first anniversary's a big deal. And I figured maybe you could use my help planning, and maybe I needed to get out of the house. Vanessa just got back from the commune.
Rufus: You guys talk?
Dan: Well if saying "hey" and "excuse me" counts as talking. The worst thing is, she tried to get back into campus housing but, ah, the deadline passed.
Eric: So now you're roomies with your ex.

Dan: Hey, how would you and Lily feel about celebrating with a nice family road trip?
Rufus: Actually we decided to order in tonight. Just have a quiet evening alone.
Dan: I thought you said it was really important to celebrate with the whole family.
Rufus: We did but Jenny has a big test she has to study for, can't make it back to the city, and it doesn't feel right having a family celebration without her.
Eric: I know the first wedding anniversary's supposed to be paper but that's not really an excuse to eat out of cartons.

Dan: What class has a test on a Saturday?
Eric: That would be Fear of Chuck and Blair 101.
Dan: You know after the year we've had, I think it would mean a lot to my dad and Lily to get the family together. There's gotta be a way that we can get Jenny to come in, right?
Eric: Maybe Chuck could help.
Dan: Right. Like he did last time?
Eric: He loves my mom. And as long as Chuck and Blair are at war he's on our side.

Eric: Of course. Chuck and Blair go to war and end up happier than ever. Leaving Jenny and our family in a pile of rubble.
Dan: It figures. Rubble's their specialty.
Eric: Although. Peace time would be the perfect opportunity for a stealth strike. Oh come on, how good would it feel to finally give them a taste of their own medicine? Not that we're the ones to give it to them.
Dan: Hold on a second, what's wrong with us? I mean I've picked up a few skills over the years and you come from a long line of world class schemers. We have righteousness and our parents' anniversary on our side.
Eric: No offense Dan, we are no match for Chuck and Blair.
Dan: Mm. I don't know about that.

Eric: Its genius is in its simplicity.
Dan: We break the truce, drive a wedge between them. And once the peace is off Chuck will be primed to help Jenny in retaliation.
Eric: Okay, so what would enrage Chuck Bass? His maybe-mother, his late father— Jack Bass.
Dan: That's perfect. Gossip Girl will be thrilled to hear about a secret fling with Jack and Blair last summer in the South of France. Or how they're planning to do it again this Christmas.

Dan: Chuck. Hey man, I was just stopping by to see Nate but I guess he's not here.
Chuck: He's in his room.
Dan: Oh he is? He's... not in class? I would have thought—
Chuck: You don't really know how to stage a run-in, do you? Cut to the chase.
Dan: Well, uh, since Blair betrayed you with your uncle I thought maybe you could betray her back. Call my sister, offer her protection.
Blair: Well you're just about six months late for that, aren't you Humphrey?

Eric: That's their biggest secret? I was expecting something a little bit more American Psycho. Not stabbing a homeless man but at least feeding a cat to an ATM.
Dan: A birthday surprise may be in order. I think all it'll take is a couple of calls.
Eric: Look, Dan. I know we want Jenny to come in for the anniversary but she fought back last week and nearly lost everything she learned. You told her that yourself. Maybe we shouldn't risk the same.
Dan: No, we should. They deserve it. They're smug and they are condescending. They have treaties. And we're doing it for Jenny.
Eric: Dan we tried and it didn't work. I'm out. I hope you are too.

Rufus: Son, what are you doing here?
Dan: I could say the same to you. I thought you were going to be having your romantic night. At home. Alone.
Eric: Eleanor convinced them to come and be among friends.
Dan: Oh no. But you can't stay here. It'd be bad luck. Everything here is on china and crystal. You gotta go home and celebrate on paper plates as planned.

Dan: Why didn't you warn me they were coming?
Eric: I didn't think I needed to. You didn't actually go through with it, did you? Oh you did.

Dan: My sister doesn't feel safe to live in her own house or be with her parents on their anniversary. She was a different person before she met the two of you.
Nate: Come on Dan. It's not about Jenny. It may have started out that way but this is about you getting revenge. And you went behind my back to get it.
Dan: I know Nate, but come on. They deserve what they get. I'm not sorry.
Rufus: No, I'm the one who's sorry. I'm sorry you've become one of them.
Chuck: Blair, we had a treaty.

Vanessa: Hey.
Dan: So I wrecked Blair's birthday and I betrayed Nate, I disappointed my dad. And as the icing on the cake I pretty much ruined his and Lily's anniversary.
Vanessa: Other than that, how was your night?
Dan: It was Blair's 20th birthday party and I'm still acting like an eighth grader. Oh my god. Is it possible the Upper East Side is contagious?
Vanessa: I think we've proven that it is. We just need some rest and a good dose of Brooklyn.
Dan: Thanks for being hire.
Vanessa: We've been friends forever. That's not going to change.

Vanessa: I had no idea you were a Colin Forrester fan. I saw Matt Lauer interview him on the Today show recently.
Dan: Oh yeah? What was it about?
Vanessa: Who was cuter. Or maybe that was just me.
Dan: Well he's no Maria Bartiromo but he is Serena's professor and she's been raving about him, so I figured I'd borrow... that book from her. And you checked out of this conversation the minute the S word came up.
Vanessa: Sorry, but ever since the Hamilton House debacle I'm dead to anyone in Serena's life except for you. Nate doesn't even return my calls.
Dan: Well if it makes you feel any better he's not talking to me either. He's still pissed that I stole that treaty.
Vanessa: Well unlike you I didn't do anything. Juliet framed me, she's crazy, is any of this ringing a bell?
Dan: Vanessa, let's not get into this again. We put it behind us, we're leaving it there. Alright?

Dan: Things between us got so sidetracked with Milo and Vanessa, I just would like to get them figured out once and for all. I don't know how she feels.
Rufus: So take her to coffee, or something, and ask her.
Dan: You're right. I'll just go find her on campus. I'm gonna go for broke today.
Rufus: Glad I could be so influential.
Dan: Oh no, it's actually the title of chapter one here: "Going for Broke". But, um, you're awesome too Dad.

Serena: Why do you have mad face? Is everything okay?
Dan: No, it's not okay. You should know better.
Serena: I think I missed something.
Dan: I didn't. I saw you this morning getting out of a cab with Colin Forrester. Are you having an affair with your professor?
Serena: Well technically he's a guest lecturer, and no, it's not an affair because we agreed not to do anything until the semester's over. It's romantic.
Dan: What would be romantic is him actually making a sacrifice for you.
Serena: What are you saying?
Dan: When we were together I would have done anything for you so if this billionaire really cares about you then why can't he quit teaching and take you on a date? You're worth more than a guest lecturer fee. Everyone knows that. I just wish you did.

Dan: Hey.
Serena: Hey. What are you doing tonight?
Dan: I got a hot date with some Grimaldi's and Netflix. Why?
Serena: Well I ended it with Colin.
Dan: Oh you did? That's terrible.
Serena: No, you were right about him so it's actually good. But DVDs and pizza, really?
Dan: Why, you got a better offer?
Serena: How do you feel about ballet?
Dan: Watching or performing?
Serena: Meet me a the Lincoln Center fountain in an hour and we'll discuss both after.
Dan: Okay, I'll be there.

Nate: Dan Humphrey at the opening night of the ballet. Let me guess, Serena's date?
Dan: Yeah. You were last week.
Nate: Yeah. She's probably just using you to make that Colin guy jealous. Just like she used me at Blair's.
Dan: Actually she and Colin broke up.
Nate: Is that so?

Serena: Dan, wait.
Dan: I think I've waited enough. Tell me something Serena, how far down the list did you get before you called me to be your date? I mean obviously you couldn't come with Colin since he's your professor. And Nate was last week's beard so what does that make me, Bachelor #3?

Dan: Hey Serena, it's me. I saw your thing in The Post. Just wanted you to know that Brooklyn is a great place to avoid nasty looks. Unless you throw your recycling in the regular trash or try to open a chain store with questionable labor practices.

Dan: Why are you even here? to Vanessa: I assume you're responsible.
Vanessa: I totally understand if you guys are still mad at me for what happened with Serena, but obviously you miss each other. I'll take that awkward pause as a yes.
Dan: Don't think this means that I've been calling out your name in my sleep.
Nate: It's not like I've been writing Mrs. Nate Humphrey in my notebook.

Dan: Hey man I just got your text. What's up?
Nate: My mom's filing for divorce. At least she's trying to.
Dan: Oh. I'm sorry, man. That sucks.
Nate: What am I supposed to do? You know, how do I stop this?
Dan: You can't. I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but if kids could fix their parents' relationships they would. Hell, if we could fix our own relationships we would.
Nate: That's your advice? Do nothing?
Dan: I mean, if it helps, I know my parents are happier now than they were. And don't take this the wrong way but I mean it can't come as a total shock, right?
Nate: It is. I mean she's had years to do this. The guy embezzled, he got arrested, he tried to skip bail and then he went to prison. She stayed married to him this whole time and now she wants out? I mean what's worse is that I feel he's really changed. I just, I gotta get her to see that.
Dan: Well good luck.
Nate: Thanks man. Actually no. No thanks. Your advice really sucked.

Dan: Where is she? Is she alright? What happened?
Blair: She overdosed in some cheap motel in Queens. Alone. Why didn't she come to me? I mean no matter how angry we were at each other she knows—I don't know what I would do if anything happened to her.
Dan: What did the doctors say?
Blair: Rufus and Lily are waiting to talk to them. Dan looks perplexed. What?
Dan: Drugs in a cheap motel, that does not seem like Serena to me.
Blair: Sometimes I forget how much of a recent addition you are, Humphrey. You met her as a girl coming home trying to start over. I wish it wasn't true but... it sounds a lot like the Serena I used to know.

Dr. Keller: Have you made a decision?
Lily: No. We need to think.
Dan: Here's a crazy suggestion: why don't we ask Serena, see what she wants.

Dan: At the party Serena said she didn't kiss either of us—that she had no idea what happened. And now this? What if something else is going on?
Nate: Or maybe you just want to think that because it's easier than the truth.

Dan: Come on. I bust you out of the loony bin and you're going to mock my choice of transportation. We're fugitives, alright? We're taking the bus.
Serena: Are we really doing this? Just running away together?
Dan: No, running away is what guilty people do. We're just getting out of the city for a few days to get some space and clear your head. It's a vacation.
Serena: A vacation. I like that. Hey, thank you for believing in me.
Dan: How could I not.

Lily: Daniel, stay here for just a moment. You may not agree with every decision I make regarding my daughter's well being but you have no right to intervene. I am her mother. I know her much better then you do. And I have been there for certain parts of her life that you have no idea about.
Dan: Really? Which parts are those? Because from the way Serena tells it, it sounds like I've clocked more hours by her side than you have.
Lily: Look, I love you. You know that. And you have a big heart, just like your father. And just like him you tend to see the good in everyone no matter what they do.
Dan: Well not always.
Lily: She's not just the beautiful teenage girl you saw at some party anymore. She's a troubled young woman avoiding some very real consequences. And unless you want to help her deal with those, then I suggest you step out of the way so that I can.
Dan: With all due respect, maybe I am only seeing the good in Serena, but I'm at least I'm looking at her and not at myself.
Lily: And what is that supposed to mean?
Dan: You committed her because you don't want to deal with her. You don't even want to talk to her. Why?
Lily: Well maybe I'm afraid of what she might say. Maybe... what she did was a cry for help and I'm the only one that didn't hear it.
Dan: Well I... I don't know. But if that is the case you should know, and if it's not then we really should find out what happened. But regardless the only way to find out is to sit and talk.

Serena: Thank you for being the one person who believed in me. Even though it turns out you were wrong too.
Dan: I wasn't wrong to believe in you. I still do. I always will.

Dan: Vanessa? Oh. Blair.
Blair: I owe you an apology. Juliet may have been behind Serena's overdose. And I have no intention of letting it go unavenged. I need your help to find her and extract a confession. You in?
Dan: Aren't I about the last person you want helping you?
Blair: You love Serena, don't you? So. We have something in common. What do you say we find that bitch and get us a little frontier justice.

Dan: So. Juliet dressed up like Serena at Saints & Sinners to destroy her relationships with me and Nate.
Blair: And enlist Vanessa and Jenny to mess with me.
Dan: Which is devious and pathetic, but let's face it, around here it's just another Saturday night .
Blair: Well you can't show up at a masked ball and not expect at least one social climbing doppelganger to try and impersonate you.
Dan: But then, according to Jenny, Juliet posted a photo of herself as Serena doing coke.
Blair: And for that she will be judged by a higher power. But we—
Dan: We've seen worse.
Blair: Well I was going to say "done worse," but. Yes.
Dan: Okay, but then— Serena wakes up in a hotel room after almost OD'ing.
Blair: And that is where the Juliet Express goes off the rails and heads straight for crazy town.
Dan: The next thing we know, Serena wakes up, insists she didn't go on a bender.
Blair: But then the photo shows up online and she starts to doubt herself and checks herself into the Ostroff. Which brings us up to the present.
Dan: The thing we need to figure out is why. I mean, Colin, Nate, Hamilton House—none of that explains taking things so far.
Blair: Well as someone well-acquainted with the darker human emotions, let me offer my theory. There is only one motive powerful enough to fuel a gaslighting like this and that is retribution.
Dan: Retribution for what?

Blair: What do you mean, "no visitors"? I don't think you realize who were are.
Dan: Who she thinks she is, is more like it. Look, I'm family. I'm Serena's brother— or, step-brother technically, which I do mostly try to put out of my mind seeing as we dated pretty seriously—
Blair: Humphrey, they treat people in here for less serious complexes than that. Do you want to get committed?

Blair: We can't do nothing for three days. Who knows how far Juliet could get in that time.
Dan: Yeah, I think we just gotta tell my dad and Lily. What Juliet did with these pills is against the law.
Blair: Police and parents. Of course that's your plan, Humphrey. Or we could sneak in to see Serena. That receptionist got a pretty good look at me but maybe with a wig.
Dan: That's your plan? Disguises and accents?
Blair: I never said anything about accents. Can you do any?
Dan: Now look, Eric is right. We need to leave Serena out of this and just find Juliet on our own.
Blair: Well Colin is her cousin. We could track him down at whatever economic summit he's at this week.
Dan: Nate dated her.
Blair: My minions knew her for a whole year before we showed up.
Dan: Or... there is someone who seems to know everything. About everyone.
Blair: Besides me, who? Gossip Girl? She's not a ouija board, Humphrey. You can't just ask "Where's Juliet" and expect her to point you in the right direction.
Dan: Maybe you can. Look, think about it. You and Serena are her people, not Juliet. And Serena really could have been hurt. Plus I'm sure she's furious that Juliet sent in that fake photo. Does she even know that it's fake?

Blair: Is the pedal to the metal? Because I swear if I shove my feet through the floor I could run faster. At least there's no radio so I'm spared your horrid taste in music. I think we were supposed to turn there.
Dan: You know I'd tell you to stop being such a back seat driver but how can you be one when you don't even know how to drive.
Blair: I offered to get us a car service. Professional driver, comfortable seats, champagne!
Dan: We're on a mission here.

Dan: First, my dad swapped a '69 Les Paul for this car. It's a collectors item. Second, it was either this or the Lincoln Hawk van which, all I'm saying has graphics.
Blair: Fine. We should almost be there. Let me just consult the GPS. Oh wait. That's me.

Dan: I'm not sure what's supposed to happen right now. If she really is in there, what's our plan? I mean what are we going to do, we're just gonna march up to her and... pull her hair?
Blair: For starters.

Nate: When's the last time you talked with Serena? She's not answering her phone.
Dan: No, they took it away. It's part of her therapy.
Nate: Oh, so she's still at The Ostroff? That's good I guess. She's safe there.
Dan: What do you mean? Safe from what?
Nate: I was visiting my dad and I ran into Juliet's brother Ben. He was really upset and he, ah, seems to think Serena's in danger.
Dan: From who? Juliet?
Nate: I don't know. He didn't get a chance to say. But we should probably go check on her. Can you go? I'm in Staten Island.
Dan: No, I'm with Blair and Damien in Connecticut. It's a long story, but... alright, meet us at the Van der Woodsens. Serena should be okay where she is but we need to find Juliet.

Blair: Look, I think I figured it out. Okay, Serena had an affair with her teacher because, let's face it, it's Serena and what else is there to do in Connecticut. Then she came to her senses and discarded him like last season's Chanel booties. Then he became a crazy stalker and Serena pressed charges. That should be a warning to you, Humphrey.
Dan: Yeah, because the parallels are striking.
Blair: Never-to-be-realized literary aspirations: check. Townie: you're from Brooklyn so check. And giving up everything to became Serena van der Woodsen's stalker. Check. Face it Humphrey, you are one knitted tie away from Mr. Donovan territory.

one week later...

Dan: See I told you. Food is more delicious when you cook it yourself.
Nate: Yup. That's why we're going to end this experiment in middle class living and then call the housekeeper to clean up.
Blair: No way! I stuck my hand up a turkey's butt. You're not getting out of your job.
Chuck: Well I've provided the location, so I did my part. Now I'm off to New Zealand to enjoy a taste of summer and girls who like sex games in the Rain Forest.
Dan: I'll help clear. It's only fitting seeing as I did the shopping, set the table and... oversaw the cooking.
Nate getting up to help: Alright.

Dan: Serena, I would love to go away with you. But it feels like this trip is something you might need to do on your own.
Serena: I've been trying so hard to prove to the world that I've changed. But I think the person that doubted it the most was me. I'm going to work on that.
Dan: And you'll succeed. I know you will. And I know you better than anyone. Be safe.

Blair: What are you still doing here? Shouldn't you be off living your dream? Days on end in a real car with Serena?
Dan: No. I'm staying here. So actually I'll be living out my nightmare. Trapped in the city with only Blair Waldorf to talk to.
Blair: Nate's here. I'll share custody as long as I'm in first position.
Dan: Nate's with his grandfather.
Blair: Eric then?
Dan: Gestad with Elliot. Please don't continue down the list. I promise you it's just me. I won't be calling. I'm going to be very busy writing, turning Vanessa's room into an office, seeing Nanette at the Film Forum.
Blair: I'm seeing Nanette at Film Forum.
Dan: You like French documentaries about orangutans?
Blair: Nanette is an inspiration. Last summer I'd go to Les Jardins des Plante all the time just to visit her. If we happen to run in to each other, please don't sit next to me.
Dan: I wouldn't think of it. Let's just finish these dishes so we can go home. Alright?
Blair: I'll wash, you dry. You wouldn't know how to handle Riedel.
Dan: This coming from the one holding what appears to be a bottle of L'Occitane shampoo.
Blair: You can't wash good wine glasses in common dish soap. Just follow my lead, Humphrey. You're used to doing that.