Season 5

Yes, Then Zero

Nate: Hi. I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Nate Archibald. And you are?
Chuck: Waiting for me.

Chuck: Anything for me?
Nate: Nope.
Chuck: Well if you hear anything crazy it means I’m doing something right.

Serena: Woah. Usually when you smile like this you look like a creepy Cheshire Cat. But this one is real. What is your secret and if it’s legal I want some.
Chuck: It’s not a substance. It’s a state of mind. A word.
Serena: Let me guess, a dirty word.
Chuck: “Yes”.
Serena: Yes, it’s a dirty word?
Chuck: The word is Yes. I say it at anything. If an opportunity presents itself I take it. There’s nothing I won’t try once. Even happiness.
Nate: He’s very inspiring. I’ve been saying all summer he should run an infomercial.

Stunt Coordinator: You’re about to be in a lot of trouble. I get the feeling you don’t care.
Chuck: Are you free tonight?
Stunt Coordinator: I am now.

Stunt Coordinator: Okay. I know I don’t know you at all and you probably could give a damn about what I have to say. Most of the people in my business are in it because they’re thrill seekers or adrenaline junkies. But for some of them, there’s something dark going on. I think you need help.
Chuck: I said I’m fine.
Stunt Coordinator: That maybe, but this date is over. Good luck, Chuck

Chuck: Serena, you accepted responsibility without hesitation for maybe the first time in your life. And Nate, you had more fun not being you than you’ve had actually being you. Which means you now know you need to change.
Serena: Is it just me, or is what he saying actually making sense?
Nate: Maybe we’re not awake yet.

Chuck: Nate, I know you think I must be dying inside because Blair is marrying another man, but we let each other go. So stop doing stuff like this and start focusing on yourself. And you. Even though this part of your journey may have come to an end, it showed you there’s a world out there that you never knew existed. One you want to be a part of.
Serena: Have you ever thought about writing a book?
Chuck: People like me don’t write books, they’re written about.

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Beauty and the Feast

Nate: I just can’t stop thinking about that woman from LA.
Chuck: It’s understandable, given your mother issues.

Chuck: So call your mommy, pick either job, forget about your mysterious lady from LA. If a woman wants to see you again she generally tells you her name.

Gossip Girl: A kiss is just a kiss.
Chuck: That hurt? Wish I could feel it.
Gossip Girl: Poor Lonely Boy. Even on the outer boroughs of love.

Dan: Hey! I’m not part of his payment plan.
Thug: Sorry. Mr. Bass said nothing should stop us except his safe word.
Dan: Well his is serious. He could die.
Chuck: All this be madness, yet there is some method in it. {he gets kicked again} Guess that wasn’t the safe word.
Dan: Chuck. Chuck. Tell them to stop.
Chuck: Okay. Fine. “Stop.” {they take off}
Dan: Stop? Really? That’s it?

Chuck: I wasn’t trying to kill myself.
Dan: Then what the hell were you doing?
Chuck: I was hoping it would hurt.
Dan: What, to dull the pain of losing Blair?
Chuck: That’s what you don’t understand. I feel nothing when I see her and Louis. Or when I jump off a building or when I crash a motorcycle. Even you don’t irritate me.
Dan: Well having these guys beat you up isn’t the way to fix anything. You could have died.
Chuck: Is being dead that much worse than being nothing?

Dan: Well how about instead of pain you try to feel good things. I could tickle you.
Chuck: I’d rather hire someone else to do that, thank you.

Chuck: Forgive me for stating the obvious, but isn’t being published a writer’s goal?
Dan: Not for this book. It’s a scathing social satire. About everyone I know, including you.
Chuck: The return of Charlie Trout.

Chuck: Well just because I can’t feel anything shouldn’t mean everyone else should have to endure humiliation. I’ll help you.

View all quotes from Beauty and the Feast

The Jewel of Denial

Chuck: I suffer through mediocre sex with an editor’s assistant to find out who’s publishing your book and this is how you thank me?
Dan: Chuck, you felt nothing after Field of Dreams. So I’m taking it to the next level. If that movie can’t make you feel, maybe this little guy can.

Chuck: You do know this is not the kind of job you should get at a chick from a Hollywood party.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Chuck Bass sending this sweet guy off to the pound. We always knew Bass was one sick puppy.

Chuck: There’s nothing more boring than a sense of morality, Humphrey.

Blair: I need to talk to you.
Chuck: I thought we said everything we needed to say last time we saw each other.
Blair: Chuck…
Chuck: If this is another misguided attempt by Dan to make me feel something…
Blair: I’m pregnant. It’s Louis’s. I didn’t want you to find out from someone else and wonder if the baby was yours.
Chuck: That’s very considerate.
Blair: Yes. Well. If I know anything about Chuck Bass, it’s that fatherhood isn’t part of the lifestyle.

Chuck: You must have very been relieved when you realized you weren’t carrying my offspring. It certainly would have derailed your fairytale.
Blair: This fairytale is complicated. {the dog wanders in}.
Chuck: Blair. Meet my dog, Monkey.

View all quotes from The Jewel of Denial

Memoirs of an Invisible Dan

Blair: Do you know what this summoning is about?
Chuck: I do, but I can’t say. I’m sworn to secrecy.
Blair: Since when do you bite your tongue?
Chuck: I’m learning.
Blair: Well isn’t Humphrey becoming quite the drama queen.
Chuck: Isn’t that usually your role?
Blair: I prefer drama princess now.
Chuck: How are you, by the way?
Blair: I’m okay. Thanks for asking.

Nate: What are you guys doing here?
Blair: We must have all gotten the same text from Dan.
Rufus: The last time he was this secretive he showed up with a baby.
Chuck: Don’t worry, you’re not about to become a grandfather. Though Dan is about to give birth in another way.
Serena walking in: Okay, I’m pretty sure this is how every murder mystery begins.

Dan: Hey, everyone. Thank you so much for coming.
Serena: I only have five minutes.
Blair: This better be really important.
Nate: What is this all about?
Lily: Is everything all right?
Charlie: This isn’t about me, right?
Rufus: Yeah. What’s going on, Dan?
Chuck: This is going to be fun.

Nate: What’s so funny?
Lily: I think you should ask Dan.
Dan: Well I might have made your character a little…
Chuck: Gay.
Dan: I hope that’s okay. {to Chuck}. Stop enjoying this so much.
Chuck: You wanted me to feel something. That’s a feeling.
Nate: Do I have game?
Chuck: Oh definitely.
Nate: Huh. I’m cool with that.

Dan: Thanks for letting me hang here, man.
Chuck: I enjoy watching you squirm. Scotch?
Dan: It’s like two pm.
Chuck: Valium then?

Dan: Why aren’t you mad at me? Your character dies. Accidentally, but it’s not a happy ending.
Chuck: On the contrary. Although clearly fiction. I’d never use a belt. I’d use a chartreuse scarf. Much softer.

Chuck: Success comes at a price. The artist must stand alone to observe the crowd, right?
Dan: That’s funny. Vanessa said the same thing.

Chuck: You spend extra time doing your hair tonight, Nathaniel?
Nate: Ha ha. I don’t mind that Dan made me gay.
Chuck: No, I was actually a little offended he didn’t make me gay. Personally I thought you’d be more annoyed being conflated with Eric.

Serena: Hey, do you know where Dan is? Can you believe what he wrote about me?
Chuck: Which part? Sabrina is glamorous, sexy, beautiful.
Serena: Selfish, insensitive, shallow.
Chuck: I can tell you from experience, everyone loves a villain.
Serena: Yeah, I told Blair the same thing. But then I realized if that’s true, why are you always alone?
Blair: Not one word! Have you seen Dan?
Serena: No, have you?
Both: Did you see what he wrote me?!
Serena: No, I didn’t have time to read all of it. Just the parts about me.
Blair: Me too.
Chuck: Check the study.

Chuck: You’re making a big mistake.
Louis: In thinking that Blair could be trusted? Yes. She will always have her secrets. She can’t exist without them/ You were right after all.
Chuck: You shouldn’t listen to me. If you read Dan’s book you know how I turn out. You have a chance at having love in your life. Not ending up alone, hanging in a closet. Don’t give up. Or your own fact will be someone else’s fiction.

Chuck: Seems like I’m always off on my own.
Lily: I thought you liked it that way.
Chuck: I don’t want to be the unrepentant bad boy, who no one cares lives or dies.
Lily: It’s just a book, Charles.
Chuck: What if it isn’t?
Lily: There are people who care so deeply about you, if you would just let them.
Chuck: Blair is lost to me.
Lily: I know. I’m sorry.

View all quotes from Memoirs of an Invisible Dan

The Fasting and the Furious

Chuck: I have to say, when you asked me where you could buy vintage magazines this isn’t what I thought you were talking about.

Chuck: Humphrey, I’m feeling like my old self again.
Dan: Me too. Although not in a good way. I really thought the days of everyone turning their backs on me were over.
Chuck: Well, at last this time it’s because they hate you and not because they don’t know you exist. Be patient. Soon your literary misdeeds will be forgotten.

Dr. Eliza Barnes: It’s obvious that you’re deeply troubled and I would be more than happy to help if you were truly interested—in therapy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have Yom Kippur services.
Chuck: Oh. You’re Jewish.
Dr. Eliza Barnes: Not that that’s any of your business, but I converted.
Chuck: Well that’s probably a smart move in your line of work.

Nate: What are you going to do?
Chuck: Take an interest in what matters to Dr. Barnes. Shalom.

Chuck: Everything you said to me was true. I don’t need another notch on my belt. I need help. I knew it last week—hell, I knew it last year. I know it now. I’m ready to be serious if you’ll have me.

View all quotes from The Fasting and the Furious

I Am Number Nine

Diana: Nate. Can I add one more thing to your to do list?
Nate: Definitely.
Gossip Girl: To christening your boss’ new desk. Landing on your first bestseller list—
Dan: Number nine. Inside by Daniel Humphrey. What did Lincoln Hawk’s first single debut at?
Rufus: Eight. Ah, but don’t pay too much attention to that stuff that was the 90s.
Gossip Girl: —To finally asking for help.
Dr. Eliza Barnes: So how are you feeling today?
Chuck: Fit as a fiddle.
Gossip Girl: But keep your eyes on the road, Upper East Siders, or you could get lost along the way.

Chuck: The dream starts the same every time.
Dr. Barnes: They have a habit of doing that.

Chuck: How can you be so sure I’m hiding something?
Dr. Barnes: Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel there’s a piece of the puzzle still missing. It’s not your mother or your father. It’s someone you’re not telling me about.

Dr. Barnes: What’s this?
Louis: The rest of what I owe you. I told you it’d be worth your while. Now you can settle all of your father’s debts.
Dr. Barnes: What do you want me to do?
Louis: Just make sure my fiancée will never ever fall for him again.
Dr. Barnes: Louis, that’s up to Blair.
Louis: No. It’s up to you. To turn Chuck back into the monster he was for the first twenty years of his life. He’s time bomb. Find his fuse and light it.

Gossip Girl: Looks like Louis is about to make Young Bass’ road to recovery a very bumpy ride. Better buckle up, Chuck.

Dr. Barnes: You have to face that you didn’t let Blair go, you lost her. To someone else.
Chuck: You don’t know what I did. But yes, maybe there is something I need to do if I’m ever going to move on. I don’t want to lie to you, I don’t want to lie to myself. {he retrieves the Harry Winston engagement ring} If I’ve really let Blair go, I don’t need this anymore.
Dr. Barnes: It’s beautiful.
Chuck: I bought it to give to her. I’ve been keeping hold of it ever since. When really what I should do is just return it.

Dr. Barnes: I understand you’re angry. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. I just thought you should know Louis wasn’t paying me for information alone. He wanted me to drive you into a rage. To turn you into this monster you apparently used to be. Louis is so threatened by you that he wanted to remind Blair—
Chuck: Why she chose him. Maybe Louis’ right.
Dr. Barnes: He doesn’t have to be. You can change.

You chose to let go. Continue down that road and I’ll bet you find some peace.
Chuck: I’ve always wondered what that’s like.
Dr. Barnes: Good luck. And I’m sorry. I really did want to help.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Chuck Bass, standing at the crossroads. Looks like we’re going to have to watch his every step.

Blair: What are you doing here? I don’t have the energy to rehash tonight’s hysterics. I think you should leave.
Chuck: I’m not here to apologize about what happened tonight.
Blair: Then what are you here to apologize for?
Chuck: Everything else. I’m sorry for losing my temper the night you told me Louis proposed to you. I’m sorry for not waiting longer at the Empire State Building. I’m sorry for treating you like property. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you when I knew I did. Most of all I’m sorry I gave up on us when you never did.
Blair: Thank you.

Blair: I hope never giving up on people isn’t going to be my downfall.
Chuck: That’s why you’re going to be an amazing mother. You’re always there for the people you love. Even when they don’t deserve it.
Blair: You know that’s never going to change.
Chuck: It’s okay if it has to. Starting tonight I’m going to take care of myself.
Blair: Is that all?
Chuck: Yeah.

View all quotes from I Am Number Nine

The Big Sleep No More

Nate: Please tell me you’re not just getting home from yesterday. Did you spend all night with Zarkana again or what?
Chuck: Early morning charity event meeting.
Nate: Is that what you’re calling it now? Charity.

Chuck: If Diana won’t commit to you in public like she does in private maybe it’s time to explore your options.

Blair: What are you doing here? Our treaty of 2010 clearly states the duck pond is my domain. {Monkey whines at her} Don’t try to fool me with your puppy dog eyes.
Chuck: I apologize for the intrusion, but your web-winged friend here waddled into the dog park and was about to become a labrador’s lunch.
Blair: And out of the goodness of your heart you came to his rescue.
Chuck: I like Duck a l’Orange as much as the next person, but it seemed cruel to let the poor creature suffer.
Blair: Especially in front of a photographer. What a lucky duck.
Chuck: I’ve imposed on your domain long enough already. If you’ll excuse me, Monkey needs his constitutional.

Chuck: Maybe we’re maturing too fast.
Nate: Which is why you’re back to playing Phantom of the Opera sex games?

Serena: Why are you looking for Chuck?
Blair: I have no choice! He’s trying to destroy my relationship with Louis because he knows it’s vulnerable.
Serena: I’m pretty sure the only war Chuck is waging is with his own demons.

Serena: B. Whatever you’re thinking, stop. Just work on your relationship with Louis. And let Chuck work on himself.

Blair: Do you remember when we used to play dress-up?
Chuck: How could I forget. Though I didn’t think this was your kind of entertainment anymore.

Nate: So I don’t get it, you kissed Blair so she’d think you hadn’t changed?
Chuck: The only way for Blair to move on is if she thinks I never will. I had to kiss her to set her free.
Nate: That may be the most selfless thing you’ve ever done.
Chuck: I’ve never been more good and less happy about it.

View all quotes from The Big Sleep No More

All the Pretty Sources

Chuck: Girls I have been trying very hard lately to be good. Yet I don’t feel the slightest pang of guilt at unleashing my attack dog right now. And I should warn you, he’s trained to go after fake Prada.

Dan: You’re the new and improved Chuck Bass. I thought you could help me overhaul my image.
Chuck: You’re willing to get a haircut and change your clothes?
Dan: No.
Chuck: Then I’m not sure what I can do.

Dan: I never pegged you for a Matrix fan.
Chuck: Something I learned early on: never watch A Clockwork Orange stoned. It takes your mind places it has no business going.

Chuck: Humphrey you wrote an entire novel about being an outsider. It’s how you define yourself. But if that’s not who you want to be anymore the only person who can change that is you. What you need to do is stop with the neurotic navel gazing.

Chuck: Why don’t you tell me why you antagonized Blair at her own wedding shower?
Dan: I was just trying to take some action, man, like you said. But it didn’t work.
Chuck: Let’s be clear. I told you to get some ass, not make one of yourself. It wasn’t until I saw you confronting Blair that I realized I had it all wrong.
Dan: Wa— Had what wrong?
Chuck: You’re in love with her.

Chuck: You can blame it on your tell-all novel. Or your perennial status as an outsider, but we both know Blair doesn’t care about any of that. She follows her heart. She chose Louis. We both lost. At least this time you have someone outside with you.

Chuck: You shouldn’t be here.
Blair: I know. But I had to come. You’ve really been good this whole time, haven’t you?

View all quotes from All the Pretty Sources

Rhodes to Perdition

Dorota: I need this time to figure out what went wrong with Louis and right it.
Maybe he Freaky Friday with Mr. Chuck. They struck by lightning at the same time or pee in the same fountain.
Blair: That’s incredibly unsanitary.

Blair: Your transformation really is astounding. Care to share how you gave up your bad Bass ways. How you went from Charlie Sheen to Charlie Brown? Bar to mitzvah?
Chuck: There really is no answer to that question. It’s an evolution.
Blair: Hm.
Chuck: What’s really going on Blair?
Blair: Okay, if you must know I’m trying to pinpoint the source of your light so I can pull Louis out of the darkness. You changed, so can he. I have all day.

Doctor: Are you saying that you want your fiance to be more like Chuck?
Blair: No! More like the man Chuck’s become. Like Louis used to be when Chuck was like Louis is now.
Doctor: If you don’t mind my saying so, you seem confused.

Chuck: But I did let go of you, Blair.
Blair: Then prove it by telling me how!
Chuck: I can’t. But if you don’t believe me, call on Harry Winston. The night of the Spectator launch, I left the engagement ring I bought you on the doorstep. And walked away.

Chuck: Doctor Krueger thought you were upset I returned the ring.
Blair: He has too many PhDs. They cancel each other out and make him a moron.
Chuck: I returned it because you asked me to let you go. I wanted to move on to give you a happy life you deserve.
Blair: All this time I’ve blamed you. For pulling me into the dark. But I was wrong. It was me who brought out your dark side. And now that I’m with Louis I’ve done the same to him.

Chuck: You never pulled me to the dark side, Blair.
Blair: I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but I have my answer.
Chuck: You’re the lightest thing that ever came into my life.

Chuck: I only want you to be happy, I’m just sorry it couldn’t be with me.

Nate: You still love her, huh?
Chuck: I can’t imagine the day I won’t.

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Riding in Town Cars with Boys

Chuck: So you’re finally learning there are upsides to pissing off your family.

Chuck: You should know better than anyone, these stories are invented to sell papers to women who collect ceramic cats.
Nate: Still, maybe you should give her a call.
Chuck: Louis is the father of her child. There’s no way Blair’s walking away from that.

Blair: I need your advice. It seems as you’ve found your way I’ve lost mine.
Chuck: I didn’t think Blair Waldorf could get lost.
Blair: Neither did I but I’m so lost I wound up in Brooklyn.
Chuck: There are worse places. This isn’t something Humphrey can help you with?
Blair: No. Only you.

Blair: Do you think you could love another man’s child.
Chuck: Why are you asking me this?
Blair: I’m paralyzed. I can’t move, I can’t breathe. You have to help me.
Chuck: I can’t make this decision for you, Blair. You’re the one that has to live with it.
Blair: But what’s the right choice, Chuck?
Chuck: I can’t imagine it would be a mistake to marry to father of your child. Right?

Louis: What are you doing here?
Chuck: Apparently the same as you. The Prince and the Pill-popper. This should be fun.

Blair: Why did you tell me to choose Louis?
Chuck: I thought it was selfish if I was the one to tell you to break up your family.
Blair: That was the moment you chose not to be selfish?

Chuck: I had it all wrong. Just because Louis is the father of your baby does not mean you should be with him, you should be with me.
Blair: Why?
Chuck: Because I’m going to love your baby as much as I love you.

View all quotes from Riding in Town Cars with Boys

The End of the Affair?

Chuck: Louis. What are you doing out here in the rain?
Louis: I hadn’t noticed.
Chuck: I hadn’t realized you and Blair had returned from Europe already.
Louis: We’ve been back for three weeks. I’m surprised you didn’t know.
Chuck: One of the downsides of not having Gossip Girl these last few months. Any information would have to come from Blair speaking to me directly, which she hasn’t.
Louis: She’s been busy.
Chuck: I’m very sorry she lost the baby. Is she alright?
Louis: She seems to be. She spends all hours planning the wedding.

Chuck: Look, I know we’ve had our differences. Are you really going to pass up the offer of an umbrella on a night like this?

Louis: At least you’ve fully recovered from the accident.
Chuck: Physically.

Blair: Dorota’s obviously become lax in announcing visitors.
Chuck: There’s no need to reprimand the help. Louis invited me in.
Blair: I should have known you’d manipulate someone.
Chuck: How can you blame me. You won’t respond to my texts or calls. I just wanted to be there for you after the baby.
Blair: Well as you can see I survived without you. And I indeed to continue that way, so you should go.
Chuck: That’s it? I’m just cut out of your life without any explanation?
Blair: My New York wedding is in less than a month. I have to keep my priorities in order.
Chuck: We were your priority. What happened, Blair? What changed after the accident?
Blair: Did it ever occur to you that there’s no such thing as an accident?
Chuck: Well it certainly felt like one when the car hit the wall.
Blair: Or it was the universe’s way of pointing out what’s really important.
Chuck: How can you say we weren’t important? You were the only thing that matters.
Blair: Well you’re obviously not leaving, so I will.

Chuck: Blair said to tell you she’s gone to pick out china patterns.
Louis: At this hour?
Chuck: I’m sure it’s just her excuse to avoid me.
Louis: I wish that were true. these excursions have become quite regular.

Louis: I’m thinking of hiring a detective. I need to know the woman I’m about to marry isn’t having an affair.
Chuck: Well we’re both here so who else can she possibly be cheating with?

Chuck: Hello, Daniel.
Dan: What are you doing here? In Brooklyn. In the rain. At night.

Chuck: Did you know Blair was back in town?
Dan: No. I mean, I live in Brooklyn. Without Gossip Girl I know nothing.

Dan: I swear to you, we are not having an affair.
Chuck: Then what the hell are you doing?
Serena: He’s having a relationship with me.

Dan: Hey. Listen, I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you about Serena and me, but we didn’t want our families to know, and you’re kind of like her brother.
Chuck: So are you.

Chuck: What the hell is going on?
Blair: I just came to tell you what a wonderful person you’ve become. And I hope you won’t let this change that.
Chuck: Well don’t leave me.
Blair: I’m not doing it to hurt you.
Chuck: You sat in the car and you said you’d never go. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together and now you can’t even look at me. Now you don’t even care enough to tell me why?
Blair: I saw what was important and I made the only choice I could.

Chuck: Love does not just disappear.
Blair: We can never be together. Chuck, just move on and be happy.
Chuck: I can’t. Until I know why, I won’t stop. I will use all of the power I have to find out the truth.
Blair: Some things are more powerful than even you. I’m sorry. Don’t let this destroy all the good in you. Just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean I won’t love you.

View all quotes from The End of the Affair?

Father and the Bride

Chuck: You look like hell. I assume this means you couldn’t find anything.
Nate: I’ve reread every piece in the Spectator since I started there and unless Christina Aguilera is mad about our baby bumper Mexican lunch article, I really don’t think there’s anything in here worth hurting me over.
Chuck: Gossip Girl didn’t offer to help?
Nate: Yeah, but only if I help her, whatever that means.
Chuck: Sometimes to get your needs met you need to choose an unsavory partner.
You know that might work for you at three in the morning on the Lower East Side, but it’s Gossip Girl.

Nate: Be careful. There’s a fine line between surveillance and stalking.
Chuck: Yeah. Getting caught. Which I don’t plan on doing.

Chuck: Blair was inside a church for half an hour.
Nate: Please tell me you didn’t follow her inside.
Chuck: Of course not. I didn’t want to risk blowing my cover. Or bursting into flames.

Blair: You’re following me!
Chuck: I’m not going to leave until you tell me what changed. Why you turned your back on me—on us!
Blair: I told you everything there is to say. Lurking in doorways won’t help.
Chuck: Sooner or later you’re going to crack. You always do.

Chuck: There’s really no need to come up. I told the front desk we’re just fine with our Gideon’s.

Chuck: What is your angle?
Father Cavalia: This is what’s known as divine intervention, M. Bass. I’d accept it if I were you.

Chuck: Tell her I came by. And that I’m not done. That’s one thing I learned from Blair. You don’t give up on the people you love.

Chuck: I have no time for niceties. Just tell me what you know.
Father Cavalia: I know what is in Blair Waldorf’s heart. And if you don’t want this wedding to happen, together we can make sure it doesn’t.
Chuck: She already thinks I’m a villain. I may as well become one.

View all quotes from Father and the Bride