Quotes from Gossip Girl
Best of Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester)
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Blair Waldorf: Well we should get going then. Unless you want us to wait for you. Looks like you've got a lot of yogurt left.
Serena: I really want to believe that was an accident.
Blair: Then you must be delusional.
Blair: That was disgusting. The DOH should shut them down.
Serena: The bathroom?
Blair: No, the people. It's called Nolita not No Showers. to Dan: What are you doing here? Do I smell pork? And... cheese?
Dan: Can I just please talk to Serena?
Blair: Apparently you can, Cabbage Patch.
Dan making a date with Serena: Friday. 8 o'clock.
Blair: I think we can agree to those terms. But you can't wear those shoes. Hm. Or that hair.
Serena: Look, I'm really sorry but this date is unbreakable. Maybe we can swing by later or something. I—
Blair: I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination.
Blair as Jenny tries on outfits: Too Beyoncé. Too Mary-Kate. Too Hannah Montana.
Blair: As my mother always says, "Fashion knows not of comfort. All that matters is the face you show the world." And your face looks like it's going to Bat Mitzvah. But before we continue the renovation grabs a martini glass Martini.
Jenny: Oh, no thanks. I don't like vodka.
Blair: Well, that's nice. Because this is gin.
Intake Nurse: What drugs have you been taking?
Blair: Mm... caffeine. Nicotine. Ketamine. GHB. PCP. LSD. Dir- Diazepam. Lorazepam. All the pams, really. I don't discriminate.
Intake Nurse: Apparently not.
Blair: Look at the Hedge Fund Mafia in here. I thought matchy-matchy was over.
Blair: Is it a bong, mother? I didn't take you for a stoner.
Eleanor: You need to look elegant for the Archibald dinner tomorrow night. So what do you think?
Blair: Yes, it would be very nice if I was sailing up on the Mayflower.
Blair to Nate: You should deal with your father. He needs you. And you know what? I don't.
Blair: You know, I got moves.
Blair: After being broken up with my boyfriend for exactly 20 minutes, I succumbed to inebriation, performed at a speakeasy, and surrendered my virtue to a self-absorbed ass. The only good news is that he's a total pig who'll act it never happened. Thank god. Sorry. Truthfully I'm not even Catholic.
Priest: You don't say.
Blair: Chuck. You know that I adore all of God’s creatures and the metaphors that they inspire. But, those butterflies? Have got to be murdered.
Serena: Blair this is Dan’s friend, Vanessa.
Vanessa: Wow, you didn't mention they were so nice. Now I get it.
Blair: Oh sweetie, you did not tell me she looked like that. This is such a problem.
Chuck: 12:01. I'm sorry.
Blair: No. You're smarmy. There's a difference.
Blair: I'm not in the mood, Chuck. This is pretty much the worst birthday ever.
Chuck: Maybe it can be salvaged.
Blair: What is that, our sex tape?
Blair: Where is your purse?
Serena: Uh. My purse...
Blair: Great. Alright. You stay here. Okay? I'm gonna go look. Don't drink. Or... hit on anything.
Blair: You know what's really weird? There is a garage door in the middle of your room.
Blair: Hey, did you want to ask me something?
Serena: Yes. A gift idea for Dan now that Vanessa got him the most thoughtful, Dan-like present ever.
Blair: Why don't you just buy him a new outfit for Cedric and call it a day?
Blair: You are so naive. Michael Moore over there is obviously just using this film to get close to Dan.
Vanessa: You talked to my landlord?
Blair: I don't speak Ukrainian.
Blair: I'm not pregnant. I command myself not to be pregnant.
Blair: You told your low rent boyfriend and he told his social climbing sister who wears my hand me downs and she blabbed to Nate.
Operator: Information. City and State please.
Blair: Brooklyn. I think it's in New York.
Blair: Nelly Yuki must be destroyed.
Serena: Why do you keep saying her name?
Blair: Because it's Nelly Yuki.
Blair: Lucky for us mental acuity and common sense rarely come in the same package.
Serena: It's a snub from one party, B. What's the big deal anyway? You didn't even like Asher.
Blair: I didn't like last season’s Louis Vuitton patchwork bag either but that doesn't mean I want to see it all over town on Jenny Humphrey’s arm.
Jenny: Low blow.
Blair: Wasn't me. Wish it was.
Blair: Whoever said that money doesn't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.
Blair: Watch and learn, Ladies. The most important parties to attend are the ones you're not invited to.
Blair: Thought you might want this back.
Asher: Whatever you found, it's not what it looks like.
Blair: It's always what it looks like.
Blair: My my. If it isn't Little J, risen from the ashes.
Jenny: I came to tell you in person: you win.
Blair: Sweetie, we just started to play.
Blair: We've seen you with vomit and hanging out with investment bankers in the men's room of PJ Clarke's. You don't have to hide anything from us.
Nate: She's right Serena. None of us are saints.
Blair: Yeah, I had sex with him in the back of a limo.
Chuck: Several times.
Nate: I had sex with you at a wedding. Once.
Chuck: I'm Chuck Bass.
Blair: You can tell us anything. We don't judge. We're the non-judging Breakfast Club. We're your best friends. Anything you do is something we did too.
Nate: Hey, I only have a second. I'm on my way to Queens.
Blair: Ugh. Gross. Why?
Nate: To meet Vanessa at a concert.
Blair: It got grosser.
Serena: What are you doing here?
Blair: Um. I'm a big Lincoln Hawk fan.
Blair: Haven't you heard? I'm the crazy bitch around here. Have fun at reform school.
Blair: Now that Georgina's done so are you and I. She was the last thing we had in common. She knees him. Break a leg.
Chuck: I think I just did.
Blair: You didn't do anything? All summer? Please don't tell me you just sat around watching The Closer and eating takeout from Nick and Tony's.
Blair: Oo, a honk instead of a knock. Did someone order a townie?
Blair: Damn that Motherchucker!
Blair: I was up all night reading Debrett's Peerage. I'm well-versed in your laws and ways. I'm ready to meet the Queen. Which I also watched on DVD, BTW.
Blair: Charles. Sidebar.
Chuck: Actually we weren't finished.
Blair: Notice how my voice didn't go up at the end. Not a question.
Serena: Wait, so does this mean you actually think Dan has a redeeming quality?
Blair: Well as long as he knows his arse from his Arsenal I think he's aces.
Serena: There's my B. Show this girl to Catherine and she'll want you to be with Marcus. This is you, just be yourself.
Blair: She made Waldorf rhyme with Spears. I may as well have gone commando and held my party at Nyla's Burger Basket.
Blair: Can I just say how sorry I am that I judged you earlier?
Catherine: You judged me?
Blair: I thought you were just a callow, social-climbing, former swimsuit model who married above her station only to be enslaved by her own insecurities. But now that I've seen you rolling around on the floor with my adolescent ex I understand you have a compassionate side too.
Blair: Turns out Marcus' mommy is even sicker than you are.
Chuck: You got along great.
Blair: I think she recognized a part of herself in me. Or rather I recognized someone in her.
Blair: Duchess, it's me. He's bringing her. And for the record, whatever you're planning with Nate? My bedroom floor's off limits.
Catherine: Blair, have you seen Nate?
Blair: Um, no. It's a blackout.
Blair: It's for your own good S. They were going to lunch together. Lunch. As in the meal before dating.
Blair: If there's one thing I know it's that I give good interview. I could make Larry King cry.
Serena: So you're off to Yale?
Blair: Your deductive reasoning skills are perfect for a place like Brown.
Serena: A place like Brown?
Blair: An enclave of trustafarians and children of celebrities who major in drum circles and semiotics. Whatever that is. I can't wait for you to come home next Thanksgiving a militant veganista. Anemic and proud!
Blair: I'm sick of always looking like Darth Vader next to Sunshine Barbie.
Blair: Poor Chuck. What is life without a friend to share it. Oh. It looks like you just lost yours to Dan Humphrey.
Chuck: Who cares. I'd rather talk about who you lost yours to anyway.
Blair: Uh uh. Been there, done that. Been decontaminated.
Iz: So it should come as no surprise that many girls before you have gotten the axe when their choices reflected poorly on us.
Kelsey: I didn't realize.
Blair: That tights are not pants?!?! Honestly!
Vanessa: Blair, you got a minute?
Blair: Sixty seconds, clock it. What are you doing here with those? Shouldn't you be at Whole Foods?
Blair: I have an itch that only Chuck can scratch and he won't oblige unless I tell him I love him.
Dan: You need help getting Chuck to sleep with you? Really?
Blair: You hear the judgment in his voice right now, right?
Serena: He's working on that.
Emma: So. Muffy McDonough's been bragging about how she's going to lose her virginity because she finally landed a date with the lacrosse captain. They call him the De-Virginator.
Blair: Oh my god. Stop your mouth from moving.
Blair: Little Emma? Turns out she's less Holly Hobby and more Jenna Jameson.
Serena: You have to admit, the licorice ring was sweet.
Blair: Look. Even if you're just being literal I don't want to hear another word about your albatross until we find mine.
Serena: B, it's time to get up. There are other schools besides Yale. Like Princeton.
Blair: Princeton is a trade school.
Serena: Plenty of women have been both lover and muse to famous artists. Like Picasso.
Blair: Serena! A guy starts out in his Blue Period and everything's great. But it's only a matter of time before he's all into Cubism and it's some other girl's eye coming out of her forehead.
Blair: Here comes your Ghost of Boyfriends Past to haunt me.
Serena: Please, try to be civil.
Blair: Okay.
Dan: Hey, have either of you seen Jenny?
Blair: Oh, if she's hiding from you she has better taste than I thought. to Serena I tried.
Blair: Chuck is in for the shock of his life. I have depths he'll never plumb, but I know every inch of his wafer thin soul.
Dorota: Please, I don't want to shine Mr. Chuck's shoes for a month.
Blair: Yeah, his shoes if you're lucky.
Dorota: What?
Blair: Nothing.
Blair: Everyone—even our doppelgangers can work it out. But we can't.
Blair: I'm not maternal, I've just been spending too much time with Cyrus and I'm turning Jewish.
Blair: I told Chuck I love him.
Cyrus: Really? That's wonderful.
Blair: No it's not. It's horrible. I thought that if I could finally say it that everything would change but he's jut as selfish and soulless as ever. Only a masochist could ever love such a narcissist. Help me.
Cyrus: You don't need help. He just needs time. He hugs her.
Blair: Wait, not enough. She hugs him tighter
Serena: Hey, did Jack ever find Chuck?
Blair: Yeah. What was left of him. I'm surprised they made it through customs. Chuck's body odor could have given a contact high to half of Manhattan.
Jack: Chuck!
Blair: No! You idiot! You don't surprise someone standing off the edge of a building!
Jack: What do you say we throw him a party to celebrate him running the company?
Blair: Why not celebrate Bart dying? That would be just as tasteless.
Serena: Blair, who did this? sees two Mean Girls I see they act alone now.
Blair: It's so hard finding obedient minions.
Serena: So how was your non-date with Chuck last night?
Blair: He had to reschedule. Spare me those expressive eyebrows. I can't wait 'till you get botox.
Serena: Well if you're on a witch hunt that means you can't be too upset, right?
Blair: Witch hunts are my valium, Serena. I'm just trying to stay calm.
Blair: Second semester seniors get a free pass. Like pregnant ladies or fourteen year-old Chinese gymnasts.
Serena: I know that look. You're up to no good.
Blair: Good is subjective. Look it up.
Dorota: Uh oh. Is it war?
Blair: Yes. But this one will be different. I need to wait for my moment and then I'm going Black Ops. Off the radar, no accountability. This war I'm gonna win.
Blair to Dorota: Serena's sympathetic to the enemy. I have to cross her off my list of recruits.
Hazel: Thank you Jesus.
Blair: No. "Thank you Blair". And thank you, Dorota.
Blair: I want you to dig deep—and I mean deep—into Rachel's past. We're gonna run that Commie Corn Husker straight out of Constance.
Blair: I believe it's called exculpatory evidence. I love Damages.
Dan: You used this photo of Rachel and me to back up a rumor that is nothing more than a vengeful lie.
Blair: So?
Serena: Blair. Uh uh.
Blair: You say "lie", I say eerily prophetic.
Serena: B, why didn't you tell us?
Blair: What? That I was coming to debase myself by begging to be accepted to Sarah Lawrence? Gee, you're right. Why didn't I update my Facebook page?
Blair: The ducks do soothe me.
Blair: Just because I lost Yale does not mean I'm wasting my time at a non-Ivy reading Beloved six times and experimenting with lesbianism.
Blair: Can you please remind the attendants not to seat me behind Caroline Kennedy. She may be American royalty but that woman is a giraffe.
Blair: My mom and Cyrus are hosting Passover. I thought first borns were supposed to be spared.
Blair: I can't believe I sold out Nate to be the next Jackie O.
Serena: Yeah I always pictured you as the next Hillary.
Blair: Except I'd win.
Blair: NYU? What was I thinking? You know how I feel about ironic facial hair.
Blair: How's the foreigner?
Serena: Blair, Gabriel's from North Carolina. That's in the United States.
Blair: Not by choice. Let me remind you of a little thing called the Civil War.
Blair: I can't believe I have to see my sworn enemy with Nancy Pelosi hair.
Serena: Thank you so much for... for bringing Nate?
Blair: I'm just as flummoxed as you are. I got out at 53rd and made a run for it but he's faster than he looks.
Dan: What's going on?
Blair: Not that it's any of your business, but Serena's fake boyfriend's investment was also fake.
Blair: If you cut revenge out of the Bible there's not even enough pages to make a pamphlet.