Alan: Weir's sister has to protect him?
Lindsay: I'm not protecting him. I'm just trying to figure why it is you need to pick fights with guys who weigh less than 100 pounds.
Watch out, Alan. I think she's high on pot.
Lindsay: Yeah. I might just go psycho. Wanna try me?
Alan: You're dead, alright? As soon as your freak sister isn't around I'm gonna cream you, man.
Sam: You know you really didn't need to do that. I could have handled it.
Lindsay: Yeah, I know.
Sam: And by the way, I weigh 103 pounds. He walks off.
Lindsay: Sorry! to herself: Man. I hate high school.

Bill: Alan?
Alan: What?
Bill: What's the point of all this?
Alan: Point? The point is you're dead too! Little Man.

Lindsay: Sam. Did Mom and Dad tell you I was the only one with Grandma when she died?
Sam: No.
Lindsay: Yeah. They went down to the cafeteria to get some coffee. And all the sudden Grandma looked so terrified. I didn't know what to do. She grabbed my hand, told me she didn't want to go. She looked so scared, Sam. I said, Well, you know, can you see God or Heaven or a light or anything?
Sam: What did she say?
Lindsay: "No. There's nothing." She was a good person all her life and that's what she got.

Rosso: Look, uh, I know you're not happy about this. But don't make me out to be the bad guy here. If the worst thing in your life is somebody makes you go to a dance, then I'd say you have a pretty good life.

Nick: Hey does anybody wanna come see The Wall with me on Saturday night? Thought I might try an experiment—see it straight once.
Ken: Don't do it! You'll regret it, man. Trust me.

Bill: You're in love with Lindsay.
Neal: I am not! What are you talking about?
Bill: Why are you getting so mad?
Neal: I'm not! Why would you say that?
Bill: Because you have your book in front of your pants.
Neal: Shut up! Jerk.

Sam: What's non-alcoholic beer?
Bill: It's just like beer but it doesn't have that ingredient that makes you drunk.
Neal: Alcohol?
Bill: Yeah.

Sam: Oh man! I'm so dead. What am I going to say to Cindy?
Bill: Don't say anything. Be dominant. It's all— all about dominance. I saw this monkey show on PBS, you talk to her first it's a sign of weakness. And she will not pick you to be her mate.
Sam: Are you drunk?
Bill: I think so. Yes I am.
Sam: Oh man! Go into my room, lock the door, and don't drink anymore.
Bill: That's very dominant.

Bill is passed out drunk on the floor
Lindsay: Hey, Bill. Get up. That's how that drummer from Led Zeppelin died.

Neal: Hm. Looking for Chaplin, only seeing Hitler.

Mr. Weir: What the hell are you supposed to be?
Harris: I'm a guy with a knife through his head.
Mr. Weir: Oh. Well. Mission accomplished.

Mr. Weir: Who the hell did this to you, Sam?
Sam: Some freaks.
Mrs. Weir: Freaks? Like circus freaks?
Mr. Weir: Jean, I don't think there's bearded ladies running around throwing eggs at kids.

Sam: Nobody thinks you're cool, you know.
Lindsay: Trust me, I know.

Karen: Are you guys deformed or something? I mean, what's the deal? Look, I guess I'm just gonna have to mark that locker again. This time in geek blood.

Mrs. Weir: Who's Kim Kelly?
Lindsay: She's just a friend.
Mrs. Weir: New friend? What's she like?
Lindsay: I don't know. She's just a girl.
Sam: Kim Kelly's a psycho. She and Karen Scarfolli, they're violent. They run around the school being evil.
Mrs. Weir: That doesn't sound very nice.

Kim: My aunt Kathy was so rad. She lived in LA. She was on Kojak. She doinked Ryan O'Neal once at a party.
Lindsay: Wow. She sounds awesome.
Kim: Yeah well she's dead. She OD'ed on coke.

Kim: My life sucks!
Lindsay: No it doesn't.
Kim: My parents hate me, I don't have any friends. You're like my only friend, Lindsay. You're a total loser. No offense.

Mr. Weir: What is it, Sam? Is he going to blow up? That's a perfectly good piece of veal wasted.

Bill: What the hell is that?
Neal: You think she's single?
Bill: Looks like it's from outer space.
Sam: Shut up.
Coach Fredricks: Weir! Do you have something to say?
Sam: No, sir.
Coach Fredricks: When you get the clap because you weren't paying attention in health class is that going to be funny too?

Sam: This is taking forever.
Bill: Yeah. We could've made our own porno by now.
Neal: Hey, do you want to let the projector eat the film and have that Daniel guy kill you? 'Cause, I mean, we can do that too.

Alan: Hey Schweiber, you gonna show us your circumcision in the showers today?
Neal: Oh yeah, take a number.

Neal: My mom says that women prefer guys with a good sense of humor.
Bill: But you're not very funny.
Neal: Screw you. I'm hilarious!
Bill: Oh, how witty. Get this guy on Hollywood Squares.

Ken: You finally got your wish, Nick. You're a good as drummer as John Bonham. Of course he's dead.

Daniel: I wrote out some Iggy Pop and Ramones songs.
Nick: The Ramones? The Ramones only play like three chords, man.
Daniel: Alright, so I'll learn another one.

Alan: You guys are losers and you always will be!
Neal: Then how come you're the one riding home with no friends.

Mr. Rosso: A lot of times you might see— maybe you're taking a shower or something and you go, "what are these?" "What's that?". But you feel alone and confused. And you don't think anyone understands. Well. I do. Lots of people do. Even Mr. Alice Cooper.

Ken: I just wanna be older so I can go to bars. Everything fun in this world happens in bars.

Lindsay: I don't need your help.
Mr. Rosso: Okay. Tell you what, why don't I just come and visit you then in the prison, where you'll be living, and give you some really good advice. Like, you know, should you get shanked in the yard or the dining hall. When you have your baby, which prison guard should take care of it. That kind of thing. That'd be a great way to do my job. Don't you think?
Lindsay: Only time will tell. See you on the prison yard.

Mr. Rosso: So... I understand you and Nick Andopolis are getting pretty tight. How's that going?
Lindsay: Mr. Rosso, Nick and I are just friends. That's all.
Mr. Rosso: Hey, no need to explain anything to me. I got it on in a van at Woodstock so I'm not judging anybody.

Ms. Yeats: Mr. Desario, don't you have something to do?
Daniel: Right. But I thought we were going to do that after class, Ms. Yeats.
Ms. Yeats: Bestill my beating heart.

Kowchevski: Last one to class first one on welfare. It's your choice.

Sam: So are you going to be smelly the rest of your life?
Gordon: Yeah. But I don't mind. Nice people don't care and it weeds out the jerks.

Neal: Being the school mascot has always been my dream.
Bill: Yeah. Since lunch.

Sam: Think there's a subliminal message in there somewhere?
Bill: For your sake, I hope not.

Kim: Man, I'm soaked! Will you do something, Daniel?
Daniel: Yeah? What do you want me to do? Blow on you?
Ken: That better have been water. That's all I'm sayin'.

Vicki: There he is. Get him girls!
Neal: Oh god! I'm a bleeder!

Lindsay: We're so sheltered, you know? There's this whole other America out there. The person who picks us up could be an artist or a psychic or an escaped felon. It's so exciting.
Kim: Okay, one thing that helps: point your boobs towards the road.

Sam: Is this the best cereal you've got?
Neal: I don't know. I never eat breakfast.
Bill: Is that before or after you shave?

Jock: Oh man. The geeks have inherited the earth.

Lindsay: I'm sick of you guys getting me in trouble all the time. I'm sick of you guys period.
Daniel: Maybe you're just on your period.
Lindsay: Yeah, Daniel. That's exactly it. I'm on my period. You figured it out.
Daniel: It was a joke.
Lindsay: Oh. Sorry. It's hard to pick up on the subtlety of your wit.

Nick: You guys, I'm telling you. It's not about the accident. Lindsay's depressed that I broke up with her. She's gotta get over it, you know?
Kim: Yeah Nick. Sure.

Neal: I'm telling you, you can light them. It's methane.
Bill: Yeah, but what if the flame goes back inside? Do you explode?

Daniel: What do you make of me?
Harris: Excuse me?
Daniel: Well if someone asked you, "What do you think of Daniel Desario?" what would you say? Would you he's a loser?
Harris: No, You're not a loser because you have sex. But if you weren't having sex then we could definitely debate the issue.

Lindsay: Hey, at least she knows how to play an instrument.
Ken: That's not playing an instrument. That's like blowing into a toilet.

Ken: Hey Sergeant Pepper, where's the rest of the Lonely Hearts Club Band?
Amy Andrews (Jessica Campbell): Well looks like you ate 'em.

Amy: I love those funky sideburns. Don't you just want to reach out and touch them?

Amy: Boy this is exciting. I could have seen this outside for free.
Ken: You are seeing it for free. I paid for your ticket.
Amy: Yeah. A whole two dollars. How are you going to live without it?

Miss Foote (Leslie Mann): And George Washington Carver had many accomplishments. But he was best known for his work with the peanut. And for being Bill's mortal enemy.

Millie: You're high!
Lindsay: How could you tell?
Millie: I know what high people look like. I went to a Seals and Crofts concert last summer.

Mr. Weir: Sure Lindsay. You can see The Who. And you can go see The Stones at Altamont.

Ken: I always say, girl plus car equals dead animal.

Mr. Weir: Alright, fine. Just keep those boys away from your accordion.

Jenna Zank: You know what punkers don't do? Call themselves punkers.

Nick Andopolis: Wow, that dinner smells good. Let me guess, meat?

Harold Weir: By the way, that drummer you're listening to...
Nick: Yeah?
Harold: He's terrible!
Nick: What? That's Neil Peart, he's the greatest drummer alive!
Harold: Neal Pert couldn't drum his way out of a paper bag!

Harold Weir: You know, everyone's a Democrat until they get a little money. Then they come to their senses.

Kowchevski: Alright you guys. Come on, beat it. There's no hanging out under the stairs.
Daniel: What? Since when?
Kowchevski: Since the vice president is coming. Come on, give me a break. The Secret Service wants all these areas cleared out.
Daniel: How are we ever going to plan our coup?

Bill: Maybe you should take her out on a date and do something that you want to do.
Sam: But what if she doesn't want to do what I want to do?
Bill: Then why are you going out with her?
Neal: Because she's a goddess! Am I the last same man on this godforsaken planet? Hey, pass her over here. I'd move to the mall if she wanted me to.

DJ (Joel Hodgson): Aren't you one of those guys who's always running in here yelling "Disco sucks?" What's the matter, cat got your bong, man? Is that how you learned to communicate? Running in here and yelling stuff? Is that what your precious "rock 'n' roll" teaches you?
Ken: No, it teaches me that disco sucks!

Daniel: All right, fine, I'll be a dwarf, but my name is Carlos.
Bill: Carlos the dwarf?
Daniel: Yeah, you got a problem with that, Gorthon?

Harold: You're not lying, are you, Sam?
Sam: No.
Harold: 'Cause you know what happens to liars in this world, don't you?
Sam: They end up getting killed in jail.
Harold: Right.