Quotes from Firefly
Malcolm "Mal" Reynolds (Nathan Fillion)
SeRENITY (Part 1 & 2)
Malcolm Reynolds: Bendis, listen to me. We're holding this valley no matter what.
Bendis: We're gonna die.
Mal: We are not going to die. We can't die, Bendis. And do you know why? Because we are so very pretty. We are just too pretty for God
to let us
die. Huh? Look at that chiseled jaw! C'mon. airplanes approach overhead. If you won't listen to me, listen to that. Those are angels. Pulling
the alliance to the hot place. Zoë! Tell the 82nd to—
Zoë: They're not coming. Command says it's too hot. They're pulling out. We're to lay down arms.
Six years later...
Zoë: Sir, we don't want to deal with Patience again.
Mal: Why not?
Zoë: She shot you.
Zoë: Now we have a boatload of citizens right on top of our stolen cargo. That's a fun mix.
Mal: Ain't no way in the 'verse they can find that compartment. Even if they were lookin' for it.
Zoë: Why not?
Mal: 'Cause.
Zoë: Oh yeah, this is gonna go great.
Mal: If anyone gets nosy, you know, just shoot 'em.
Zoë: Shoot 'em?
Mal: Politely.
Inara Serra: I have to say, this is the first time we've had a preacher on board.
Book: Well, I wasn't expecting to see a state official either. Ambassador. shakes her hand as Mal laughs. I'm missing
something funny.
Kaylee: Not so funny.
Inara: Ambassador is Mal's way of—
Mal: She's a whore, Shep.
Kaylee: The term is companion.
Mal: I always get those mixed up. How's business?
Inara: None of yours.
Simon Tam about Jayne: What do you pay him for?
Mal: What?
Simon: I was just wondering what his job was. On the ship.
Mal: Public relations.
Mal: When this is over you and me are gonna have a personal chat.
Simon: Won't that be fun. Dope her.
Mal: What the hell is this?
Simon: This is my sister.
Mal: Getting awful crowded in my sky.
Mal: How come you didn't turn on me, Jayne?
Jayne: Money wasn't good enough.
Mal: What happens when it is?
Jayne: Well... that'll be an interesting day.
THE TRAIN JOB
Mal: Say that to my face.
Jerk: I said, you're a coward and a piss-pot. Now what are ya gonna do about it?
Mal: Nothing. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you. Zoe hits him from behind
Mal: Wash. We've got some local color happening. A grand entrace would not go amiss.
Mal: This is why we lost, you know. Superior numbers.
Zoë: Thanks for the reenactment, sir.
Mal: You know they tell ya, never hit a man with a closed fist. But it is on occasion hilarious.
Zoë: He's a psycho, you know. Niska.
Mal: He's not the first psycho to hire us. Nor the last. You think that's a commentary on us?
Zoë: I just have an image of a guy hanging from the ceiling.
Mal: I have an image of it not being me.
BUSHWACKED
Zoë about the goods on the abandoned ship: Sir, even on a lifeboat, you'd think those that escaped would
find room for this.
Mal: Nobody escaped.
Zoë: Sir?
Mal: Nobody.
Book: I believe there's a power greater than that, a power that heals.
Mal: Reavers might take issue with that philosophy. If they had a philosophy. If they weren't too busy gnawing on your insides.
Mal: Tell me right now, Kaylee, do you think you can do this?
Kaylee: Sure. Yeah. Besides, if I mess up it's not like you can yell at me.
Alliance Guy: Looks to me like an illegal salvage operation.
Mal: It does? That's disturbing.
SHINDIG
Mal: There's a chance you might wanna head back to the ship.
Inara: I'm alright. This is entertaining, actually.
Mal: Yeah? What's entertaining?
Inara: I like watching the game. There's a lot of situations. The key seems to be giving Jayne a heavy stick and standing back.
Mal: Still, you might oughta clear out before too much longer. Seems there's a thief about.
Inara: A thief?
Mal pulls out a wallet: Took this right off him. And he earned that with the sweat of his slave-trading brow.
Inara: Mal!
Mal: Oh, terrible shame. Of course they won't discover it 'til they go to order their next round of drinks. he gets grabbed from
behind. Good drinker, that one.
Mal: We sniff the air, we don't kiss the dirt.
Zoë: I wasn't planning on the dirt kissin', sir.
Wash: I wouldn't stand for it anyway, Captain. Jealous man like me.
Badger: Captain Reynolds. I heard you was in town. I thought we might have a bit of a sit down.
Mal: I'd prefer a bit of a piss off.
Badger: I'm very sorry. Did I give you the impression I was asking?
I accept!
Mal: That's great. What?
There has been a challenge.
I hope you're prepared, Captain.
Mal: Are you all talking about a fight? That's fine. Let's get out of here.
Inara: It's not a fist fight, Mal.
The duel will be lead tomorrow at [].
What's going on?
Mal: Not really sure. What's going on?
Well first off, you'll be put up in lodgings for the night so you don't disappear. I wouldn't blame you, incidentally.
Will might be a spoiled dandy, but he's an expert swordsman. You're the first one, gave him a reason.
Mal: This is a joke.
Inara: You'll need a second.
Mal: What's that?
I'll take on the job.
Inara: He fights if you refuse.
Inara, come with me please.
Mal: Now, you taking on this job, you being my second, does this mean we're in business?
It means you're in mortal danger. But you mussed up Atherton's face. And that has endeared you to me somewhat. You might even give him a fight.
Before he guts you.
Mal: Mercy is the mark of a great man. stabs him a little. I guess I'm just a good one. stabs him a little more. Well I'm alright.
You didn't have to wound that man.
Mal: Yeah, I know. It was just funny.
Inara: Are you in pain?
Mal: Absolutely.
SAFE
Mal: Morbid and creepifying I got no problem with. As long as she does it quiet like.
Simon: What's going on? What are you doing?
Mal: I'm fixing to do some business. I can't be herding these steers and your sister too.
Simon: She didn't mean any harm.
Mal: Well I never figured she did. But when a man engages in clandestine dealings, he has his preference for things going
smooth. She makes things not be smooth.
Simon: Right. I'm very sorry if she tipped off anyone about your carefully concealed cows.
Mal: Well look at this. Seems we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just. Sorry to interrupt, folks. Y'all got something that belongs to us and we'd like it back.
Patron: This is a holy cleansing. You cannot think to thwart God's will.
Mal: Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun?Now I'm not saying you
weren't easy to find. It was kind of out of our way and he didn't want to come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really
it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting.
Simon: Captain, why did you come back for us?
Mal: You're on my crew.
Simon: Yeah, but you don't even like me. Why'd you come back?
Mal: You're on my crew. Why are we still talking about this?
OUR MRS. REYNOLDS
Rustler: I think maybe you' gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the missus.
Jayne: Well I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature.
Mal popping up from under the bonnet: How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
Jayne: If I could make you prettier I would.
Mal: You are not the man I met a year ago.
Inara: So explain to me again why Zoë wasn't in the dress.
Mal: Tactics, woman. We needed her in the back. 'Sides, them soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. Just the whole air flow.
Inara: And you would know that because?
Mal: You can't open up the book of my life and jump in the middle. Because woman, I am a mystery.
Inara: Let's keep it that way. I withdraw the question.
Mal: Who the hell are you?
Saffron: What do you mean?
Mal: Well I think I was pretty clear. What are you doing on my boat?
Saffron: You know I am bequeathed to you.
Mal: To what by who?
Saffron: Did Elder Gommen not tell you?
Mal: Tell me what? Who are you?
Saffron: Mr. Reynolds, sir. I'm your wife.
Zoë: Really think you're the one to talk to her, sir.
Mal: The way I see it me and her got one thing in common. We're the only one's that don't think this is funny.
Mal: You alright?
Saffron: I thought last night during the ceremony that you looked pleased.
Mal: Well, yeah. Last night I was. Some mulled wine. Pretty girl gave me a hat made
out of a tree. Nobody said I was signing up to have and hold.
Saffron: Are you gonna kill me?
Mal: What? What kind of crappy planet is that? Kill you.
Saffron: In the maidens' home I heard talk of men who weren't pleased with their brides—
Mal: Well I ain't them. And don't you stand for that sort of thing. If someone ever tries to kill you try to kill them right back.
Mal: Can I come in?
Inara: No.
Mal coming in: See, that's usually why I don't ask.
Wash: Captain, don't you know kissin' girls makes you sleepy?
Mal: Sometimes I just can't help myself.
Saffron: Are you gonna kill me?
Mal: Can you conjure up a terribly compelling reason not to?
JAYNESTOWN
Mal: Jayne?
Jayne: Yeah?
Mal: You wanna tell me why there's a statue of you here lookin' like I owe him something?
Jayne: Wishin' I could, Captain.
OUT OF GAS
Mal: Ship like this will be with you 'til the day you die.
Zoë: That's 'cause it's a death trap.
Mal: I need that in Captain Dummy talk, Kaylee.
Inara: Just so we're clear, under no circumstances am I to be servicing you or your crew.
Mal: I'll post a sign.
Inara: Mal, you don't have to die alone.
Mal: Everybody dies alone.
Captain: Catalyzer is a nothing part, Captain.
Mal: It's nothing 'til you don't got one. Then it appears to be everything.
Mal: Which one do you figure tracked us.
Zoë: The ugly one, sir.
Mal: nodding ...Could you be more specific?
Zoë: Welcome back, sir.
Mal: Did I go someplace?
Book: Very nearly.
ARIEL
Mal: ...Could have been meditating on the wonders of your rock garden right now.
Jayne: Beats just sitting.
Wash: It is just sitting.
Mal: When I took you and you sister in, the deal was you keep her in check. You can't hold up your end, we're
gonna have to revisit the deal.... She's getting worse, isn't she?
Simon: Yes.
Simon: If I didn't know better, I'd say you were ready to save some lives.
Mal: Now all we need are a couple of patients.
Simon: Corpses actually. For this to work River and I will have to be dead.
Jayne: I'm starting to like this plan.
Mal: You called the Feds.
Jayne: I got pinched!
Mal: Which is what happens when you call the Feds.
Mal: You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me.
Jayne: What are you oging to tell the others?
Mal: About what?
Jayne: About why I'm dead.
Mal: Hadn't thought about it.
Jayne: Make something up. Don't tell 'em what I did.
WAR STORIES
Mal: Ah, the pitter patter of tiny feet and combat boots. SHUT UP!
Mal: Okay, I'm lost. I'm angry. And I'm armed.
Wash: I'm the one she swore to love, honor, and obey.
Mal: Listen— She swore to obey?
Wash: Well no.
Zoë: Jayne, this is something the captain has to do for himself.
Mal: No! No it's not!
Zoë: Oh!
Mal: I know you all took up arms in that piece of action back there. How you faring with that, Doctor?
Simon: I don't know. I never shot anyone before.
Book: I was there, son. I'm fair sure you haven't shot anyone yet.
Trash
Mal, why you got a piece trained on my wife?
Mal: She ain't your wife.
Huh. I married her, didn't I?
Mal: You ain't the only one.
Mal: She ain't your wife, 'cause she's married to me.
Mal: You and lipstick are a dangerous combination if i recall.
Saffron: Oh yeah. just like old times.
Mal: We don't have any old times. I just don't want you pullin' a pistol out of... anywhere.
Saffron: You missed a spot.
Mal: Can't miss a place you never been.
Mal: Oh you are a tweaked one, you are.
Saffron: But face it, Hubby. I'm really hot.
Mal: This is my scrap of nowhere. You go on and find your own.
Saffron: This was all your fault, you know. I had the perfect crime lined up.
Mal: Sure. You were gonna steal a man's beard.
Inara: Would you like some tea?
Mal: Okay.
Inara: I offered you tea.
Mal: Um hm. After inviting me into your shuttle of your own free will. Which makes two events without precedent. Which makes me more than a little sketched.
Mal: This is one of the crazier things I've heard today. And when I tell you about the rest of my day you'll appreciate—
Inara: I'm not accusing you of anything, Mal.
Mal: Hey! No! Let's set a course for the lonely rich and appropriately hygienic men. I'll tell Wash. We can park there for a month.
Mal: How about I stay out of your whoring—
Inara: Well that didn't take long.
Mal: —you stay out of my thieving. I know my job very well, thank you very much.
Inara: Right. You're a criminal mastermind. What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?
Mal: That's not—
Inara: What was the cargo?
Mal: They were dolls.
Inara: They were little Geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled.
Mal: Hey, people love those!
Inara: And what exactly was our net profit on the
famous wobbly-headed doll caper?
Mal: Our cut? So you're in the game now.
Durran: You've returned to me the only thing I truly treasure.
Mal: Well. Then this is a day I'll feel good to be me.
Durran: You won't disappear again?
Saffron: Never. he leaves We've gotta move fast.
Mal: Yeah, he might come back and hug us in the act.
Saffron: Durran, this isn't what it looks like.
Mal: Unless it looks like we're stealing your priceless Lassiter, 'cause that's what we're doing. Don't ask me about the gun though, 'cause that's new.
Durran: Well I appreciate your honesty. Not, you know, a lot.
Durran: How long have you been together?
Mal: We are not together!
Saffron: He's my husband.
Mal: Well who in the damn galaxy ain't?!
Mal: I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we gotta go.
Saffron: My name's not Yolanda.
Mal: Never entered my mind it was.
Saffron: I tried. I actually tried. I thought, This is a decent man. The genuine article.
Mal: A workin' man. Strugglin' to get by with the barest necessities on his private floatin' island.
Saffron: Yeah, he had money. I thought it would help. I thought if I had everything then I wouldn't want—
Mal: Heinrich the security programmer.
Saffron: You know I'd forgotten his name.
Mal: Addressin' the itch of curiousness, did you marry him too?
Saffron: No. I didn't kill him either.
Mal: No, don't reckon there's many you killed. Just put him in a position to die easy.
Mal: Yeah, you better run!
The Message
Zoë: First rule of battle, little one: Don't ever let them know where you are.
Mal with guns blazing: I'm right here! I'm right here! You wanna come in? Yeah you do! C'mon! C'mon!
Zoë: Course there's other schools of thought.
Mal: That was bracing! They don't like it when you shoot at 'em. I worked that out myself.
Mal: Tracey, ain't you dead yet?
Tracey: Through no fault of my own.
Mal: I really wanted your beans.
Jayne: You really think there's something in there?
Mal: Using corpses for smuggling is a time-honored repulsive custom.
Mal: You wanna explain to me why you got yourself all corpsified and mailed to me?
Objects in Space
Mal: Fully-loaded, safety off. This here is a recipe for unpleasantness.
Mal: When I want medical jargon I'll talk to a doctor.
Simon: You are talking to a doctor.
Mal: We're deep in space—the corner of no and where. Take extra care. 'Cause we're very much alone out here.
Mal: I find River pleasant enough myself. But she does have an oddness to her. And I ain't just talkin' about her proficiency with firearms. Girl knows things. Things she shouldn't. Things she couldn't.
Jayne: Are you, are you saying she's a witch?
Wash: Yes Jayne. She's a witch. She has had congress with the Beast.
Jayne: She's in congress?
Wash: How did your brain even learn human speech?
Mal: There's a guy. He's very blurry. You better be careful. How come there's a guy on board and how come you're suddenly the ship?
River: I know you have questions.
Mal: That would be why I just asked them.
River: But there isn't a lot of time, Captain. I need you to trust me.
Mal: Am I dreamin'?
River: We all are. Mal rolls his eyes. Don't make faces.
Jubal Early: You made the right move darlin'. Best for you to go on with ol' Early.
Mal: You think so? Some of us feel differently.
River: Permission to come aboard?
Mal: You know, you ain't quite right.
River: That's the popular theory.
Mal: Go on, get in there. Give your brother a thrashing for messing up your plan.
River: He takes so much looking after.