Quotes from Firefly
Hoban "Wash" Washburne (Alan Tudyk)
SeRENITY (Part 1 & 2)
Hoban "Wash" Washburne playing with toy dinosaurs: We will rule over all this land! And we will call it... this land!
Wash as T-Rex: I think we should call it your grave!
Wash as, uh, the other dinosaur: Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
SHINDIG
Wash: Well, I've been sane too long anyway.
Mal: We sniff the air, we don't kiss the dirt.
Zoë: I wasn't planning on the dirt kissin', sir.
Wash: I wouldn't stand for it anyway, Captain. Jealous man like me.
Kaylee: Look at the pretties!
Wash: What am I looking at? The girls or the clothes?
Jayne: The girls.
Zoë: The clothes, please.
Kaylee: Say, look at the fluffy one!
Zoë: Too much foofarah. If I'm gonna wear a dress I want something with some slink.
Wash: You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?
Jayne: I'll chip in.
Zoë: I can hurt you.
Wash: Don't fall asleep now. Sleepiness is weakness of character. Ask anyone.
Zoë: It is not.
Wash: You are acting Captain. Know what happens if you fall asleep now?
Zoë: Jayne slits my throat and takes over.
SAFE
Zoë: Next time we smuggle livestock let's make it something smaller.
Wash: Yeah, we should start dealing in those black market beagles.
OUR MRS. REYNOLDS
Wash: Every planet has its own weird customs. About a year before we met I spent six months on a moon where the principle form of recreation was juggling geese. Hand to God. Baby geese—goslings. They were juggled.
Wash: Is there anything else on your mind that I should know about? There's all sort of twists and cul-de-sacs. It's wild.
Wash: Okay. Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere.
Wash: Captain, don't you know kissin' girls makes you sleepy?
Mal: Sometimes I just can't help myself.
JAYNESTOWN
Wash: What happened to Simon? And who's this diabolical master of disguise?
Wash about Jayne's statue: I think they captured him though. Captured his essence.
Kaylee: Looks sorta angry, don't he?
Wash: Kinda what I meant.
Wash: We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm a hero.
ARIEL
Mal: ...Could have been meditating on the wonders of your rock garden right now.
Jayne: Beats just sitting.
Wash: It is just sitting.
Wash: You know, it's all very sweet—stealing from the rich, selling to the poor...
WAR STORIES
Zoë: Is there any way I'm gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?
Wash: You're pretty much down to ritual suicide, Lamby Toes.
Wash: I'm the one she swore to love, honor, and obey.
Mal: Listen— She swore to obey?
Wash: Well no.
Trash
Wash: I'm confused.
Saffron: You're asking yourself, if I've got the security codes why don't I go in and grab it for myself.
Wash: No. Actually. I was wondering, What's she doing on this ship? Didn't she try to kill us?!
Saffron: Please. Nobody died last time.
Wash: We're in space! How did she get here?
Mal: She hid.
Wash: I don't recall pulling over!
The Message
Wash: Oh my god, it's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar.
Wash to the cow fetus: Do not fear me! Ours is a peaceful race. And we must live in harmony.
Wash: Police procedure has changed since I was little.
Mal: He calls back, you keep him occupied.
Wash: What do I do? Shadow puppets?
Objects in Space
Wash: You know River just gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do next.
Zoë: Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss up.
Wash: I hope she does the soup thing. It's always a hoot and we don't all die from it.
Zoë: Where's River at now?
Mal: In her room, which I'm thinking of bolting the outside from now on.
Wash: That's a little extreme, isn't it?
Jayne: Anybody remembering her coming at me with a butcher's knife?
Wash: Wacky fun.
Jayne: You want to go, little man?
Wash: Only if it's someplace with candlelight.
Zoë: Sir, I know she's unpredictable but I don't think she'd harm anyone.
Jayne: Butcher's knife!
Zoë: Anyone we can't spare.
Mal: I find River pleasant enough myself. But she does have an oddness to her. And I ain't just talkin' about her proficiency with firearms. Girl knows things. Things she shouldn't. Things she couldn't.
Jayne: Are you, are you saying she's a witch?
Wash: Yes Jayne. She's a witch. She has had congress with the Beast.
Jayne: She's in congress?
Wash: How did your brain even learn human speech?
Zoë: Psychic?
Wash: Is that even remotely possible?
Mal: You tell me. You've been studying what they've done to her.
Simon: They've, uh, they've definitely altered the way she reacts to things. Even the way she perceives. But I'm not—
Wash: Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction.
Zoë: You live on a space ship, dear.
Zoë: This is really not my area of expertise, Doctor. I tend to be putting these into people more than the other thing.
Wash: Can I mop your brow? I am ready with the fearsome brow-mop.