The Graveyard Shift

England 1855

Fergus (Anthony Flanagan): Look, I’m not going to kill you. I want to, but he won’t let me. He says it’s protocol. It’s not that I don’t have the stomach for killing.

Fergus: Sometimes I think the only demon worse than him must be the one he’s fleeing from.

Annie: You need to get a job.
Hal: I’m sorry?
Annie: Um, we need money for Eve, Hal. We can’t go on like this. Swanning around on your backside all day.
Hal: You think I’m relaxing. This is me holding on by my fingernails.

Hal: Kill me. Seriously, kill me now. You can tell Annie I attacked you or something.
Tom: Maybe later if you work really hard.

Annie: What are you doing here?
Regus (Mark Williams): What are you doing here? I can’t believe you’re still in Barry. I can’t believe you’re still in Wales. God, the risks I took for you people.
Annie: Do they still want her?
Regus: They don’t want her because they think she’s dead. I told them I killed her.
Annie: Thank you.
Regus: But if they found out I didn’t—say they spotted you shopping with her in bloody Aldi—then they’d come for her again and I would get a wooden enema.

Regus: Listen, this is serious.
Annie: No, this is prophecy. And I know a thing or two about prophecies. They’re bullshit and mind games. Seems to me they only get dangerous when you actually start believing in them.

Fergus: Well well well. Wasn’t that idiot Regus supposed to have killed her? What happened? Did she overpower him?

Annie: Why can’t you leave her alone? She’s just a normal baby!
Fergus: Do you really believe that or is it just desperation?
Annie: Which one keeps her alive?
Fergus: Neither actually.

Annie: What happened to your face?
Regus: My lunch fought back.

Annie: Why would you want to save her?
Regus: You really want an answer to this right now?
Annie: Before I bring the baby into the weird vampire’s house. Yes.
Regus: Right. For four hundred years I’ve been collecting and cataloging vampire myths and legends. Four hundred years. In dark rooms, libraries and cellars. Pouring over manuscripts, scrolls, books covered in mildew. Because you can’t Google this stuff, you know. I’ve got asthma. Actual asthma. Vampires don’t get asthma. And no one wanted to know about my work. They just laughed and ate another virgin. So that has to be worth something. If it’s not true—if that baby doesn’t mean the end of the vampires—then what have I been doing for all those years? It will have meant nothing!

Annie: You can try biting me, but all you’re going to get is an ice cream headache.

Annie: Don’t worry. You know what, he’s surprisingly gentle.

Regus: No, I don’t like it!
Annie: Don’t worry. It didn’t last that long.
Regus: Make it stop! Make it stop!

Fergus: Look, you’re either an Old One or a nobody.

Tom: Those ladies on the cover, showing everything to everyone. No one will want to court them.
Hal: Sorry, “court” them?
Tom: You know what I mean.
Hal: Only because I was around during the coronation.

Regus: The Nemesis has a burnt arm.
Annie: What, and that’s it?
Regus: What do you want, an email address? Look, if you see a scary man with a burnt arm run away!

Hal (Laura Patch): That’s a really nice look you’ve got going on there.
Micaela: Nice?
Hal Sorry. This is one of those things where negative is positive, isn’t it? Hang on. I know this one. That’s really bad.
Micaela: Get you, Vanilla Ice.

Micaela: Are you coming on to me?
Tom: I don’t know. Is that like chatting up?
Micaela: Ugh. No offense, but like… I’m into guys that are just a little bit more edgy. You know? A little more darkness about them.

Hal: I cannot sleep in a barn or a tent or a caravan or anywhere without central heating, carpets and Radio Four. Now that should be on my list. Really, it should. You make me do that I won’t be responsible for my actions.
Annie: What about the Old Ones?
Hal: If the Old Ones are coming then it is better I’m here to greet them.
Annie: Greet them?

Hal: Look. I’m not sure what you’re used to when George and, ah… Tina were around, but—
Annie: Their names were Nina, George and Mitchell. And this was their home. They were my friends. And they would have listened to me.

Micaela: Look, I don’t carry the currency of this so-called society. I pay with my art.

Tom throwing out the stake: I don’t think we need this anymore. I’ve got your back, mate.

Tom: Have you planned this? Were you just going to hand me over?
Hal: Not exactly hand you over. More just step aside. But I changed my mind.
Tom: How do I know that?
Hal: I don’t know. Maybe because we are whispering in the dark behind a counter.

Hal: I’m a vampire, he’s a werewolf. Any questions?
Micaela: Are you… seeing anyone?

Regus: You’re one of the good guys now?
Hal: It would appear so.
Regus: Yeah, I think I am too. It’s fun, isn’t it?

Fergus: The offer’s still on the table. There’s a throne with your name on it if you want.
Tom: What’s he talking about, Hal?
Fergus: Oh he didn’t mention it, did he? Our Lord Harry. He’s an Old One. At least he was. Pretty high up.

Regus: Most of my friends are assholes. There’s a couple of them in the Hoover.
Annie: Well then maybe you should get yourself some new friends. {Micaela comes to}
Regus: That’s the plan.

Hal: Did you ever meet Ivan and Daisy?
Annie: Now there’s a lovely thought.