Series 1
User Review
( votes)Flotsam and Jetsam
Seth about the patient: What blood type is he anyway? {he checks the chart} A positive. Hm. A bit Jacob’s Creek-y for me, but there you go.
Mitchell: What happened exactly? If you don’t mind my asking?
Owen: Um.. we’d literally just moved in. I mean we were still living out of boxes. And it was dark—I hadn’t sorted the wiring out yet. And she was at the top of the stairs and, I don’t know, they said she must have fallen awkwardly or something.
Mitchell: What was she like?
Owen: Annie? Oh, she was kind, funny. Cleverer than she thought she was. And she was mine.
Mitchell: You didn’t get my message? This isn’t your fucking larder, Herrick.
Herrick: This is a social call, nothing more. We’re really worried about you.
Seth: You can’t stop, Mitchell. It’s what we are.
Seth: Look at you. When’s the last time you fed? You’re shaking, sweating. Get into character. Watch the door.
Mitchell: Seth said—
Herrick: “Seth said.” Listen, there’s something you need to know about Seth…. He’s an idiot.
Herrick: Let’s go upstairs to the children’s ward. Those parents that she was talking about, do you think a single one of those would turn us away?
Mitchell: You know what I don’t understand? This interest in me.
Herrick: If things were to change, having you by my side, like it was back in the day, that would…. People admire you. I admire you. Despite your, ah, your eccentricities.
Herrick: Everything is about to change. And nothing can stop it. This is nature. This is… tectonic plates shifting. And the only thing, this, the only thing you and me get to choose… is which side we’re on when it happens. Something to ponder.
Lauren: Boo!
George: Lauren?
Lauren: Surprise. Did you enjoy my memorial service? It’s a shame Mitchell couldn’t make it. But maybe he’ll come to yours. {She laughs.} Oh, your face. This must be really confusing. Let me explain. Before I died I had this one odd last thought, and now I’m going to make it yours. {She advances on him ominously.} You know all the things that you were scared of as a kid, all the monsters under your bed? They’re all real. No reaction. Okay. I’m kind of new to this, but aren’t you supposed to weep, or scream or wee yourself?
George: Mitchell did this to you?
Lauren: What, you know? You know what he is? Wait a sec. Come here. {She sniffs him.} Oh my god! A werewolf. Creepy.
Owen: Go wait in the car please.
Janey: And miss you doing DIY? It’d be like missing an eclipse.
Lauren: I saw your furry friend. I was actually going to feed from him. Can you imagine? Probably have to get jabs or something.
Mitchell: What do you want? Did Herrick send you?
Lauren: This isn’t just about him.
Mitchell: Well then what do you want?
Lauren: You left me! You brought me into this and then you left me. I woke up surrounded by strangers. It should have been you there. Ever since then they just pass me around. I’m like this orphan.
Mitchell: Come away with me. There’s places we can go where we can be safe from them.
Lauren: They’re not some dopey abusive boyfriend.
Do you think anywhere is safe from them?
Mitchell: They stay away from the smaller towns. Anywhere that’s exposed.
Lauren to George: Bad dog.
Lauren: You did this! You made me this, Mitchell! This is all your fault.
Herrick: Hey Mitchell. It’s all about to start. We’re drawing up lists. Make-your-mind-up time.
Mitchell: I choose them.
Herrick: Pity. Be seeing you.
Seth: And your little dog.
View all quotes from Flotsam and Jetsam
Tully
Tully (Dean Lennox Kelly): How the hell do you get home? You’ve got no clothes, no transport. I guess you ring someone. God only knows where you keep change for the phone.
George: I have a life. I have friends. I live with some friends.
Tully: Eh.
George: I do! A ghost and a vampire, actually.
Tully: Vampire.
George: Oh yes. They exist too, you know.
Tully: Yeah, I know they exist. I keep getting beaten up by the bastards.
George: Who are you anyway?
Tully: People call me Tully.
George: Well how did you find me?
Tully: You’re a werewolf living in Bristol. It kind of narrows the field.
George: You are not meeting my friends.
Tully: I am house trained, you know.
Annie: So you’ve been sleeping rough?
Tully: Well now and again someone will offer me a bed. But that usually means sharing. {He winks at her.}
Tully: Can I ask you a question?
Mitchell: Please.
Tully: There’s not many vampires that would break bread with a werewolf.
Mitchell: I’m lapsed.
Lauren: Morning. You gonna let me in? You have to invite me across the threshold. That is such a mental rule. Who made that up?
Mitchell: What are you doing here? Herrick’s already cut me off from the rest of the vampires. If he thinks sending you here—
Lauren: Why does this have to be about Herrick? What is it with you two? You’re obsessed with each other. It’s totally gay.
Mitchell: I can’t. The cost is too high.
Lauren: Please. Who are you saving really? Have you seen Britain’s Got Talent?
Tully: Mate, you’re amazing.
George: Really? Because it just felt like it went really badly.
Tully: You’re crazy. You’re a teen wolf.
George: Does a chicken have teeth?
Tully: It kind of has ridges. They’re like teeth.
Annie: So, what’d you want?
Tully: Company. A kind word. Respect.
Annie: Oh. You have those things.
Tully: Naw. What I have is a lumpy sofa, balls like concrete and a corpse giving me mixed signals.
Annie: This is making me feel very uncomfortable now.
Tully: Then I think it’s about time we went upstairs. {He advances on her and she disappears.}
Tully: You can feel it too, can’t you? Huh? The fire in your gut, the expectation, the hunger.
George: It frightens me.
Tully: Then give in to it. Drown in it. Let him in, the Big Bad Wolf.
George: My friends—
Tully: Will never understand you.
George: But you do.
Tully: Better than you think.
George: And you won’t go?
Tully: How could I, George? It’s taken me two years to find you.
George: Two, two years? What do you mean?
Tully: I’m the one who attacked you. I’m the one who gave you this gift.
George: Why didn’t you tell me?
Tully: Because I needed you to need me first. I sought you out, and I wanted that too.
George: Everything you said, this whole time, has been a lie!?
Tully: I lost everything. I had a wife and a son, I lost them. I just needed to find the last human that I had a connection with. I had a son! I had a son.
Tully: This is you now. There’s no cure, there’s no way out. It’s in every cell. The only thing left is your conscience. But there will come a time when you’ll surrender that too. When you use what you are.
George: You’re wrong.
Ghost Town
Mitchell: Annie, this is Gilbert. Gilbert, Annie. My housemate.
Annie: Nice to meet you.
Gilbert: Is it?
Annie: So you’re… Are you?
Gilbert: Dead. Yeah. Since 1985.
Gilbert: Hang the DJ! That tune came out in 1990! Annie looks at him. Sorry.
Annie: Who are you, the 80s police?
Gilbert: No no no. Just someone with taste.
Gilbert: Look Annie, you’re beyond that now. Human needs, cravings, all that. Alright, but the beauty of the world, I mean it’s all still here for us. It’s a better place, Annie.
Annie: A better place. Isn’t that where we should have gone?
Gilbert: No no! No, see that’s what I used to think, right? But then I stood by my grave. I felt the peace, you know, and the stillness of it. And I knew this is where I wanted to be. Forever.
Annie: Would you help me?
Gilbert: Who me? Really?
Annie: Yeah. It could be like a task. Or a project we do together.
Gilbert: Like collecting every Echo and the Bunnymen Japanese import.
Annie: Yeah.
Gilbert: Thank god you met me. It’s time you had some fun, girl.
Annie: I thought fun was a bourgeois concept.
Gilbert: No no, I’m talking about Gilbert fun.
Janey: This has been going on for months now. I don’t understand why you can’t just fork out for a plumber.
Owen: I told you I can do this.
Janey: If it was your house, you’d have someone ’round to change a bulb.
Janey: You’re not their friend! Let them get pal-y and they’ll take advantage. Look what happened to my cousin. She got all matey with that scuba diver, next thing you know she’s got a condom, full of heroin, shoved up her special place.
Gilbert: How will he know what it’s for?
Annie: I’ll tell him. Suggest it to him. I’d like to be like his guardian angel and stop anything bad from happening to him.
Gilbert: Can you stop him from listening to Michael Bublé?
Lauren: It’s all I can think about. When I can kill again. When I can feed! It’s this screaming pain in my blood and nerves, right under my skin. And it gets shorter and shorter, the time I feel good after I’ve killed.
Gilbert: I’ve never really gone into it, you know. The reason why I’m still here. I’m just so happy that I am.
Annie: Are you?
Gilbert: Yeah! I mean… there is a light that never goes out. I even thought about trying to resolve it once, you know. ‘Cause it’d sorta be like ghost suicide, you know? But you know, I just really like it here. Especially now.
Annie: What happens? Has anyone you know ever passed over?
Gilbert: Alright. This mate of mine, he used the haunt the VIP toilets at Leyton Orient Football Club. Singing Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Variations. Famously composed because of a bet he made with his cellist brother on an end-of-season match against Hull City in 1977. Anyway, they brought in this exorcist to speed up his spirit into the afterlife.
Annie: And did it work?
Gilbert: One minute he’s giving it “Tell Me on a Sunday”, the next poof.
Annie: Poof.
Gilbert: Maybe it’s something about love that’s keeping me here. ‘Cause I never was in love in life. I didn’t believe in it. I just thought love was a miserable lie. But since I’ve met you I… You’re thinking about Owen, aren’t you?
Annie: I’m sorry, Gilbert. I need to go. I need to be with Owen.
Gilbert: Hey, I’ll come with you. Make sure you get there safely, eh?
Lauren: You know, I don’t really see where this relationship is headed anymore.
Mitchell: You can’t do this on your own.
Lauren: So maybe I won’t.
Nina: Oh bloody hell, it’s always the quiet ones.
Annie: He must have flushed it away, but it’s like the house hung on to it. He got so angry. He wasn’t like this when we first met. I mean, he was a bit moody and sometimes he’d… he’d…. But maybe that was me. Maybe I am just so annoying and so pathetic that—
Gilbert: No. Of course you’re not, Annie. Christ. You’re amazing.
Annie: But the man I loved killed me. Am I really that hard to love back?
Gilbert: Hey hey. Come on. You are loved. By loads of people…. By me.
Annie: What?
Gilbert: I love you. I really love you.
Annie: Hang on. That door wasn’t there. What is it?
Gilbert: Death.
Annie: Well… do we go through it? What happens? No, don’t go near it!
Gilbert: No no, it’s for me. It’s come for me…. Come with me.
Annie: I can’t.
Gilbert: I don’t want to go on my own.
Annie: No I mean I can’t. This isn’t for me. This is your death.
Gilbert: I just needed to meet you. All this time. I just needed to meet you.
Nina: I guess we’ve cured your, you know, your… premature ejaculation thing. {The door slams shut.} Oh, you are a dead man.
View all quotes from Ghost Town
The Black Day
Herrick: He never rings, he never writes…
Mitchell looking for Lauren: Go and get her. She’s coming with me.
Herrick: I’m sorry, Mitchell. It’s really not going to happen.
Mitchell: You don’t get to decide this, Herrick.
Herrick: Well I do, actually. Because, you just keep hurting her, Mitchell. You just keep hurting her! You recruit her, that’s fine. Then you just leave her. She wakes up with us, she doesn’t where she is. She’s calling for you. So fine, we pick up the pieces best we can. But then, Jesus Christ, then you try and take her back.
Herrick: This thing you’re doing with your and your furry friend. Raiding the dress-up box, pretending to be human. It’s a game.
Mitchell: This is not a game.
Herrick: Meeting in hotels like you’re what? Lovers? You rip her mortality away and then you try and patch it up with these scraps of human behavior! That is cruel, Mitchell! Why can’t you just let her be the thing you made her?
Mitchell: And leave her to the likes of you?
Herrick: At least we’re consistent.
Herrick: Look, you go and do your thing. Maybe you need to get it out of your system. You go on, do your thing, come on home. There’ll always be a place for you here. Just like there was for Lauren.
Fleur: Fleur.
Mitchell: Excuse me?
Fleur: Me. I know it sounds like acid reflux, but it’s my name. Fleur.
Mitchell: Look, I’m kind of busy right now, so could you just cut to the bit where you make me feel guilty? Try and drag me back, make a scene.
Lauren: Not this time. No guilt trip, no appeal. No tricks, no tears.
Mitchell: Okay, then what do you want?
Lauren: I’ve come to say goodbye. We’ve got the message, we’re leaving you alone.
Mitchell: What?
Lauren: Well you’ve made your decision and we’re respecting it. Maybe one day you’ll change your mind. But for now I guess… we’re done.
Owen: Boys.
George: Hey.
Janey: Have we walked in on a domestic?
George: No. Oh, have you seen the house?
Owen: Not our fault. Be fair.
Mitchell: No. Of course. Come in.
Owen: I can’t afford to wind up the neighbors.
Janey: I mean, we’ll want to move back in.
Owen: One day.
Janey: And it’s pointless in taking rent off you just to pay it to someone else.
Owen: Yeah. So. I’m giving you notice. End of the month.
Mitchell: No no, you can’t do that.
Herrick: Someone’s made a very serious allegation about you, Mitchell.
Mitchell: How did you hear about that?
Herrick: What, and all this time you’ve been thinking I’m a Kiss-o-gram?
Fleur: It was all to protect you. You know that, don’t you Bernie?
Mitchell: He knows.
Fleur: It’s all my fault. He tried to explain but, stupid bitch, I wouldn’t listen.
Mitchell: I can help you, Fleur. The both of you.
Fleur: How? He’s not coming out of this. They told me that. I can hear his heartbeat fading. I’m here to watch my son die. How can anyone help me through that?
Mitchell: I know death doesn’t have to be final. I’m proof of it.
Fleur: Oh, not the Jesus bit! Please.
Mitchell: Us. Vampires. We’re not born, we’re made. Snatched from human life at the moment of death. Bernie doesn’t have much longer. Not as you know him. I can give him a new life if that’s what you want.
Fleur: As Dracula?
Fleur: Alright, you tell me this then. Honestly. If this is the choice that I’m left with. If you were me, would you choose that life for your son? Because I don’t see much happiness in you, Mitchell. would Bernie really thank me if I let him live on like you?
Mitchell: That choice must be yours. But you have to make it now.
Fleur: Will you stay on here?
Mitchell: I don’t know yet.
Fleur: I’ve told the neighbors that I got it wrong. I said that it was all…. I told the neighbors that you tried to save him.
Fleur: Oh goss. What about when I die? What will happen to him?
Mitchell: He’ll be looked after.
Fleur: But should I do it too? Should I become one?
Mitchell: No. You need to stay as you are. You have to remind him and keep him… keep him good.
View all quotes from The Black Day
Where the Wild Things Are
Lauren: Maybe you can explain something. A funeral parlor. This has been bothering me. Aren’t we skirting a little close to a cliché here?
Mitchell sliding over a mug: Black coffee. No sugar. Just a splash of water from the tap…. Hello Josie.
Josie: My god, is it really you? You haven’t changed.
Mitchell: Neither have you.
Josie: Liar.
Josie: That was mean.
Mitchell: Why?
Josie: Mitchell, you just outted him.
Josie: Look at you. Frozen. Like a photograph.
Owen: Annie?
Annie: Not anymore. I am darkness. I am death. Vengeance and fury! Fire and blood! Diamonds and bones! Sapphire and… steel. Confess, Owen. Confessssss!
Owen: Hey Annie? That the best you got? I knew it. I fucking knew it. All that stuff happening at my house. I thought it was just… guilt. {he laughs.} See I should have known that even death wouldn’t be a match for one of your sulks. I mean that’s what this is, isn’t it? It’s the Isle of Wight all over again.
Annie: A sulk? You killed me.
Owen: So what are you then? A ghost? How does this work? What? Come on. Spit it out! Quiet as the grave. Well. I think we’re done here, don’t you? See, I should charge rent for three. See ya.
Herrick: Everyone looking after you?
Mitchell: They won’t leave me alone. I can’t even take a piss with out someone going, “Hey, can I tag along?”
Herrick: Yeah and I bet that was Seth.
Herrick: Take a break. Go and sit with the guys from MENSA up there.
Lauren: You shouldn’t do that. Let them take someone you care about.
Mitchell: Why not?
Lauren: They might become cruel. It changes you, this life.
Mitchell: Didn’t change me.
Lauren: It did. Just took longer.
Josie: Being human means being mortal. It means dying. You can’t rob people of that.
Annie: If you tell me that he has never laid a finger on you. Never—not even for a second—made you feel scared of him, I’ll walk away right now.
Janey: Sometimes he gets…
Annie: What?
Janey: No!
Annie: You need to say it.
Janey: No! I’m going mad, that’s all.
Owen: What’s wrong?
Janey: I’m going mad, I’m going mad!
Owen: What are you talking about?
Janey: I’m seeing things! It’s Annie, she’s here. Owen, she was going to chop my feet off!
Annie: Okay, that is totally out of context.
Janey: You really can’t see anything?
Owen staring up at Annie: Come on. You know what? I really can’t.
Josie: The vampires are mobilizing. Oh, they’re making it sound all New Labour, but this is an invasion. It’s a coup. And the first thing they’re doing is recruiting on a bigger scale than ever before. They’re coming in here and talking to people who are dying.
George: And Mitchell’s part of this?
Josie: He’s how they’re getting in.
Josie: I thought perhaps you were a wizard or something.
George: A wizard? Oh god, that’s ridiculous.
Josie: Trust me, once you’ve dated a vampire you tend to have a different criteria for what’s ridiculous.
George: How bad is this?
Josie: He said it, the man. He said, “No one gets left behind.”
Seth: What the cock is that?
Annie: I’m a ghost actually.
Seth: Get out. Can you, like, move things about and, you know, walk from one room to another?
George: Yeah, I’m pretty sure everyone can do that.
Herrick: This is the natural churn of history, Mitchell. We’re not good or bad, we’re just what happens next.
Lauren after stabbing Seth: Well he won’t be staring at my tits when he speaks to me anymore.
Lauren: You brought me into this world. I want you to take me out of it.
Mitchell: No. No way! Absolutely not.
Lauren: Please.
Mitchell: Oh Lauren. Oh please don’t make me do it.
Lauren: You have to. The me I used to be—the me who got hay fever and was scared her parents would find out she smoked—she’s almost gone. Soon all that’s going to be left is hurt.
Owen: Hi honey, I’m home! Got your message. {sees everyone.} So… the gangs all here. What are they? Your backing singers? Ah, fuck. You’re not ghosts as well are you? I knew I should have got references. Can I ask you something? Is the point of all this to make me feel guilty? Is that what we’re doing here? ‘Cause it won’t work. ‘Cause here’s the thing. They never tell you… you see, to kill someone and get away with it… you’re bulletproof. You’re a god.
Annie: There’s a question you haven’t asked yourself yet. If I exist, what else does? You think you’re the big bad wolf. You should see George on a full moon. You think you’re a cold-blooded murderer? Mitchell was killing eighty years before you were even born. Don’t you get it yet? I’m just the tip of the iceberg. I’m Good Cop.
… Look at you. So pleased with your grubby little murder. Fact is, when it comes to pure, naked evil, you’re an amateur. I want you to know you’ve wandered off the path. This is where the wild things are. And we’ve got your scent now. We can find you at the edge of the earth. And create unimaginable tortures. And now I’m going to tell you the very worst thing in the world. Something only the dead know. {she whispers in his ear.}
Owen: That’s not true!
Annie: I saw it. My advice to you? Find a safe place. With locks. And bad dogs. And never ever turn out the light.
Owen: I need you to keep me safe.
Policeman: Okay. Have you been threatened by someone?
Owen: I killed my girlfriend. And now she lives with what I think is a werewolf and a vampire, and they’re going to torture me. So I need to find somewhere safe!
Policeman: I see. Well in that case, we’re gonna need a different form.
View all quotes from Where the Wild Things Are
Bad Moon Rising
Two Years Earlier
Marco seeing George: I haven’t seen one of them in years.
Seth: Let’s have some fun.
Mitchell: How many people in the café?
Seth: A few.
Mitchell: Uh huh. Anyone see you leave?
Marco: Oh does it matter?
Mitchell: I don’t know, Marco. Their kitchen guy turns up dead and they’ve seen all you guys slink off after him. Do you think maybe they might see a connection?
Seth: So? They don’t know who we are.
Thug: They do. I got here before you arrived and got talking to the owner. His nan’s died, and he wanted an undertakers so I kinda gave him our business card.
Seth: We’ve got business cards? We’re not even a real business!
Thug: They were doing three hundred for a fiver.
George: What are you going to do?
Mark the Hospital Chaplain: I was going to say a prayer for him. Perhaps you’d like to join me.
George: No. That’s not such a good idea.
Chaplain: If you’re non-believers that’s fine. We can just sit together for a few moments of contemplation.
George: Contemplation about what?
Chaplain: Fiery oblivion that awaits all atheists.
George: Huh. No it’s not that. I’m Jewish. And… he’s complicated.
Chaplain: Jewish people pray. I’ve seen Yentl.
George: You’re very sarcastic for a vicar.
Chaplain: Yeah so people tell me, and I feel really bad about it but then, you know, I forgive myself.
Chaplain: What’s wrong?
George: Ah, the people that hurt him, they’re here. They’re in the hospital.
Chaplain: What? We should call security!
George: No, I think this is a bit beyond hospital security.
Chaplain: Let me talk to them.
George: Yes. Good idea.
Chaplain: I was kinda hoping you’d say no.
George: Yes. Yes. Come on!
Josie: George told me what happened. I don’t understand. I thought you were Vampire Employee of the Month.
Mitchell: I had a change of heart.
Josie: There is another option.
Mitchell: No, Josie, there isn’t.
Josie: If you don’t stop Herrick, who will?
Mitchell: You saved me once already. So let me save you too.
Josie: Death isn’t always the unwelcome guest you think it is.
Josie: I was thinking about that first time I saw you. My god, my knees were like spaghetti.
Mitchell: You sat there with your cigarette trying to look all sophisticated.
Josie: I spent ten minutes lighting the wrong end. You made me so nervous.
Herrick: How do you think this ends?
George: I don’t know. We kiss?
Herrick: This is nature. Darwinism, George. And nothing can stop it. Not Mitchell, not your friend Casper… and certainly not you. I will chase you all to the edge of the world and pick the meat off your bones myself.
Herrick: You know your problem, George? You’re just too human. So yeah, maybe I do sound a little confident.
Mitchell: There are conditions.
Herrick: Here we go.
Mitchell: You let George and Annie go.
Herrick: My god, what is this hold they have over you?
Mitchell: You wouldn’t understand. In fact you could say that’s what this whole thing comes down to.
Herrick: Afterwards, they’ve got twenty-four hours to get away, might far away. If they’re spotted after that, they’re fair game. And I was going to give you South America.
Chaplain: George, I need to know. Those… men. What were they?
George: Just men. Don’t start to doubt what you’ve got. They were just bad men.
Herrick: You alright there, Nana?
Nana: Oh, yes.
Herrick: Had an affair with Hitler, didn’t you dear?
Nana: Yes.
George: I don’t know how things have got this far, but this is our last chance. Please. He’s one man. Why is he so important?
Herrick: Mitchell is a profoundly dangerous man. More so than he realizes. You know, he had the blackest heart of us all. Yet he found something else and he repented. Now it is all about symbolism. I need to eradicate a thousand years of fear, shame. And Mitchell’s skepticism, it suggests a kind of alternative. And he becomes a rallying point.
Herrick: Now it was brave, you coming here. And I respect that. But things have been set in motion. And there is nothing we can do now.
George: So the place you’re going to meet, you might want to get a pen.
Herrick: But ah, I don’t know what you’re hoping to achieve, hm? I can’t be killed. This whole thing, you can’t hurt me.
George: We both know that’s not true. Because we’re not talking about bullets or knives here, are we? I am the weapon.
Herrick: So. A werewolf, a ghost and a vampire decide to live like humans do. They get a job, a house and a TV license. They take friends they will lie to. Take lovers they will infect. In fact, the only part of humanity they successfully adopt is its ability to deceive and destroy. All in all I’d say your little scheme has been something of a failure.
Mitchell: And what about your plans? Right now how would you say they’re working out?
Herrick: Well. The fat lady ain’t singing yet. George starts transforming. Hello. Looks like your little suicide bomber’s about to go off.
Herrick: I am the beginning. There will be more after me. A year, a decade from now. This land is ours and we have all the time in the world.
Herrick: Kill me, you fucking freak! Do it!
Kemp: Professor Jaggat? We found them.