Quotes from TV Shows
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Random Quotes
From The Candidate:
McKay (Robert Redford): Are there any questions? I'd be happy to respond to anything that's on your mind. Any comments? Suggestions? ... Dirty jokes?
Eric: I'm sure Ben was a perfectly nice guy when Serena met him. But you lock anybody up for three years.
Dan: And for a crime he didn't commit.
Eric: I have seen every episode of Oz. That place can change a man.
From Method and Red:
Dorothea: From what I've seen on Oz, honey, prison don't calm a person down.
Anderson: According to someone, the murderer has the case and we found it in the hands of our favorite psychopath.
Sherlock Holmes: I'm not a psychopath, Anderson. I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.
From King of the Hill:
Junie Harper: "The complacency of fools will destroy them." Proverbs.
Hank: Get out of my house! Exodus.
From Fringe:
Dunham: What are you doing here?
Walter: We're trying to plug a hole in the universe! What are you doing here?
Dunham: Apparently the same thing.
From Being Human:
Seth: What the cock is that?
Annie: I'm a ghost actually.
Seth: Get out. Can you, like, move things about and you know, walk from one room to another?
George: Yeah, I'm pretty sure everyone can do that.
George: That was pathetic! We were like the world's gayest ninjas.
From Burn Notice:
Michael Weston: Anyone who's ever handled large amounts of cash can tell you: it's one of the toughest things in the world to move. It's heavy and dense—dead weight. If it's on fire of course that complicates things further.
Chuck leaving a message : Nathaniel. Your position in my esteem has been replaced by your voicemail.
Harriet Jones: Voicemail dooms us all.
From Ugly Betty:
Betty: I don't like lying.
Marc: Neither do I! Okay, that's a lie.
Marc to Justin: Word of advice: be who you are, wear what you want. Just learn how to run real fast.
Wilhemenia: Snow is a magical blanket. It hides what's ugly and makes everything beautiful.
From Monk:
Monk: I'm not really a drinker.
Donal Logue: Neither am I. I just can't think of a better way to get all this alcohol into my body.
From The Closer:
Sgt. Gabriel: So when you say "special job" you mean "special" as in Special Olympics or special bus? I mean what is going on here?
Fritz: Gordon Shaw, found dead at age 81. Maid found him in the poolhouse.
Brenda: Cause of death?
Fritz: Doesn't say.
Brenda: What do you mean it doesn't say?
Mama: Look at the size of that driveway. My word.
Brenda: What did he die of?
Fritz: Doesn't say.
Brenda: That's supposed to be the most thorough book available. Let me see that! Fritz doesn't let her. Fritz! How did Gordon Shaw die?
Fritz: Autoerotic asphyxiation.
Mama: What in the world is that?
Brenda: Doesn't say.
The Doctor: Rose, before I go, I just want to tell you. You were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what? So was I.
From The Wire:
Don't just say no to drugs, motherfucker. Say "No thank you."
From Homicide:
Meldrick Lewis: Remember kids: don't just say no to drugs, say "No thank you".
From Lost:
Sayid: I don't know what I find more disquieting. The fact that the rest of the statue is missing. Or that it has four toes.
From 24:
President Logan: If you will give me your word that you will let this drop I will make sure that you are reassigned to any post you want. Except for the White House, of course. So. What's it gonna be, Aaron? Are my terms acceptable?
Aaron: There is nothing that you have said or done that is acceptable to me in the least. You're a traitor to this country and a disgrace to your office. And it's my duty to see that you're brought to justice for what you've done. Is there anything else... Charles?
Martha Logan: You know what gets me, Charles? I had no idea you were such a good liar. If I wasn't so horrified at the fact that I married you, I might actually be impressed.
From The Bedford Diaries:
Chris: Where'd you learn to do that thing with the spoon?
Zoe: Oh. I, uh, saw that on some prison show.
From The Loop:
Keith (Adam Brody): This is my boyfriend, Steven. But if my dad asks, he's my roommate. That I have sex with.
From Thief:
Nick: I know what I want.
Sidekick: What's that?
Nick: I'm the brother who wants his $40 million and a mule.
Las Vegas
The casino finds the Vegan lobster thief
Ed: You know, Larry—where you're going—I have a feeling they're going to make a meat-eater out of you.
Method and Red:
Method: How do you keep a black man in prison?
Red: Re-elect Bush.
Method: We can't wait until November.
Other Quotes:
“Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
—HL Mencken
This isn’t right. This isn’t even wrong.
—Wolfgang Pauli
“One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.”
— A.A. Milne
“ Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes.
Then if they get mad, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.”
— Unknown
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
—Albert Einstein
Shoot for the moon. If you miss you'll still be among the stars.
—Unknown
Even beauties can be unattractive. If you catch a beauty in the wrong light at the right time, forget it. I believe in low lights and trick mirrors. I believe in plastic surgery.
—Andy Warhol
I had intended to write a somewhat lengthy missive comprising an impeccable dissertation pertaining to current involvements, recently formulated theorems, prevalent emotional fluctuations, and, in general, solutions to long-standing inquiries raised during our extended and intellectually productive relationship...
But my crayon broke.
"I feel this way about it. World trade means world peace and consequently the World Trade Center buildings in New York... had a bigger purpose than just to provide room for tenants. The World Trade Center is a living symbol of man's dedication to world peace... beyond the compelling need to make this a monument to world peace, the World Trade Center should, because of its importance, become a representation of man's belief in humanity, his need for individual dignity, his beliefs in the cooperation of men, and through cooperation, his ability to find greatness."
—Minoru Yamasaki, chief architect
of the World Trade Center
From Blazing Saddles:
Gene Wilder: Boys! Hey boys! Look what I got!
Sheriff: Where the white women at?
Badges?! We don't need no stinking badges!
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
—Mark Twain
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research.
—Anonymous
If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate.
—ANONYMOUS
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
—ANONYMOUS
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
—ERNEST HEMINGWAY
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
—F. P. JONES
When someone tells you something defies description, you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway.
—CLYDE B. ASTER
Anonymous was a woman.
—VIRGINIA WOOLF
Reports of my death are great exaggerated.
—ANONYMOUS
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
—LEE IACOCCA
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
—DAN QUAYLE
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
—John Benfield
Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face.
—General Jack D. Ripper,
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
There are three types of people in this world:
those who are good at math and those that aren't.
"Who knows? Somewhere out in this audience may even be someone who will one day follow in my footsteps, and preside over the White House as the president's spouse. I wish him well."
—BARBARA BUSH to a graduating class
Have you belted your kid today?
—Bumpersticker from a Texas safety campaign
to get parents to buckle up
May you live everyday of your life.
So many bands are like, "I'm real because I'm dirty." If you have money for guitars, you can afford soap.
—HOWLIN' PELLE ALMQVIST
The Hives
I started with some kind of DOS clone and I hated everything about it. Someone turned me on to a Mac about five years ago and I have come to realize that Windows and DOS systems were designed by Republicans to keep real people from enjoying computing.
—HOWIE KLEIN, Reprise Records