Ryan Atwood: Seriously? I stole a car. Crashed it. Actually, my brother did. Since he had a gun and drugs on him, he's in jail. I got out and my mom threw me out. Because she was pissed off and drunk. And Mr. Cohen took me in.
Marissa Cooper: You're the cousin from Boston, right?
Ryan Atwood: Right.

Seth to Ryan: Do you want to play Grand Theft Auto? It's pretty cool. You can like, steal cars and... not that that's cool. Or uncool. I don't know... um...

Random Woman: Did I hear you were from Canada?
Ryan: Yes, you did.

Julie Cooper: Oh honey, I thought you were going to wear your hair down. Pulled back like that, it's a little harsh on your angles.

Seth Cohen: to Ryan Summer's right over there, look. Wait, don't look. I mean you can look, but don't look like you're looking.

Ryan: Way to salt his game, Mr. Cohen.

Seth: Oh wow, I should really learn how to knock. Just in case there's a threesome going on in the bathroom.

Seth: You guys really wouldn't hurt me. Because that would be so clichéd. they pick him up Oh, I guess you're fans of the cliché.

THE MODEL HOME

Seth: You remember the meatloaf incident of '98?
Kirsten Cohen: That was brisket.
Seth: Yeah, that's my point exactly.

Sandy Cohen: There's no need for sarcasm. 
Seth: I'm not being sarcastic. 
Sandy: Well, it's hard to tell sometimes.

Ryan: I didn't tell her anything. I think the black turtleneck in August tipped her off.
Seth: Okay, I was going for stealth. And also it's slimming.

Marissa driving : Why won't you tell me where we're going? This is pretty far away.
Seth: Oh, wow. Complaining. That's very interesting considering nobody invited you. 
Marissa: Before I came along you were on a skateboard.

Ryan: I'm not too popular around here. And your boyfriend? A little angry. 
Marissa: Oh and you're telling me you didn't try to hit him back? 
Ryan: Actually, I hit him first. 
Marissa: Well, hard to believe you're not more popular.

Luke Ward: What are you looking at, you queer?
Seth: quietly Yeah, well at least I don't shave my chest.
Luke: What did you just say?
Seth: I said you look good in a sweater vest. It was a compliment.

Sandy: Since the minute you were born I knew I would never take another easy breath without knowing that you were all right.
Seth: So I'm like asthma?

Luke: You're okay.
Ryan: Disappointed?

THE GAMBLE

Sandy: It's gonna be okay.
Ryan: My mom ditched me. I burned your wife's house down. How is this going to be okay?

Sandy: Well. I should be off. Gotta find the next kid to jeapordize the community. Maybe a black kid. Or an Asian kid.

Summer Roberts: Still hasn't called you back? He was in lockup. Maybe he's into dudes now.

Sandy about Kirsten taking Ryan out of Juvie: Never knew you to be an impulse shopper.

Julie: He basically called me white trash! He said I was from Riverside!
Jimmy Cooper: Honey, you are from Riverside.
Julie: It was his tone!

Dawn: I'm an embarassment to my son.
Kirsten: Welcome to my world.

Seth about Summer: By the end of the night, she might know my first name.

Kirsten: Ryan's gonna stay with us now.

THE DEBUT

Kirsten: Seth, we need to talk to Ryan.
Seth: Okay. If this has to do with the rug, though, I just wanted to tell you that Ryan had nothing to do with it.
Kirsten: What about the rug?
Seth: I'm gonna go now.

Seth: Dude. You're a Cohen now. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.

Sandy: Fellas, you mind?
Seth: Oh. Uh, if this is about the vase...
Sandy: Which vase?
Seth: Nothing. Let's go, Ryan.

Ryan panicked: You didn't tell me there was dancing.
Seth: Well if I told you there was dancing, I'd be here by myself right now.
Ryan: Because I don't really dance.
Seth: Neither do I. I just move well.

Holly: Yeah, it's at my house. I do it every year for cotillion.
Seth: You didn't do it last year.
Holly: Yeah we did.
Seth: long pause Ouch.

Seth: You know, you're a really... good barbecuetionist.
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Seth: Wow. You just got your butt kicked and you didn't even fight back. Dude, you really are a Cohen.

Ryan: playing video games with Sandy Just don't touch any of the buttons, follow me through the forest, and, uh, maybe we'll both make it out of here alive.
    later in the game
Ryan: You just stabbed me again.
Sandy: Oh. Sorry.

THE OUTSIDER

Ryan: Your mom bought me some new clothes. Which she didn't have to do.
Seth: Right. Because we all know you can get a lot of mileage out of a tank top.

Ryan: Ever since your parents took me in they've been paying for everything. I can't keep doing this.
Seth: They're parents. They work for us.

Seth: How do you feel about a little thing that I like to call... the IMAX Experience. pause. This town sucks, it's the best I could do.

Ryan: It's kind of a shady area up there. It's a hardcore neighborhood.
Seth: Dude, it's Long Beach, not Chechnya.

In front of a trashed Range Rover
Sandy: So this happened in the parking lot of the IMAX movie theater?
Seth: Shark movies bring out a rough crowd.

Seth: It turns out that I'm quite skilled at getting a date if it's not for me.

Donnie: How much 'you hate this kid, Ryan? The way he talks to you like you're trash? What about you, Seth?
Seth: Yeah. He's definitely flawed.

Seth: It'd be good to take some me-time—work on my novel. Tonight would make a good chapter.

Seth: United, we're unstoppable, but divided, it's like—
Ryan: People get shot.
Seth: That's what I'm saying.

THE GIRLFRIEND

Sandy: Are we worried your dad won't love us if we don't feed him enough?
Kirsten: Alright, starting now, no more digs at my dad.
Sandy: Oh no, that wasn't a dig. Seth, was that a dig?
Seth: No. When you called him a heartless bastard, that was a dig.
Sandy: You sold me out.

Kirsten: Maybe you guys can make peace this weekend.
Sandy: Okay. Oh no, no wait. I can't. I'm still Jewish. Kirsten gives him a look. Just gettin' it out of my system, I promise.
Kirsten: I wonder what his new girlfriend's like.
Sandy: I am sure she is very well paid. Kirsten gives him a look. I am on fire.

Caleb Nichol: So you're the kid that burned down my house.

Gabrielle: Fifth grade? Okay, she needs to change that. She's known that guy since he's been eating paste.
Seth: I think he still does.

Gabrielle: You must think it's weird, me being with an older guy.
Ryan: I live in a poolhouse.

Seth: It's fate, it's destiny. Look, they both have burritos.
Ryan: Wanna eat somewhere else?
Seth oblivious: Who's winning, me or my hair?

Seth incredulous: You hooked up with my grandma? Actually that's kinda hot.

Seth: He has no idea that every day of third grade, you shared your lunch with that little skinny squirrel who kept getting his nuts stolen by that fat squirrel.
Summer: I hated that mean squirrel.

THE ESCAPE

Seth: What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.
Ryan: What happens in Mexico?
Seth: I don't know, because it stays there. That's why we must go!

Kirsten: After 15 years? There's no way he's selling out.
Sandy: Well, it'd have to be one hell of a free meal.
Seth: And that's what they call a callback in comedy, Ryan.

Summer: You're Jewish?
Seth: Yes. That's why I feel so comfortable in this desert heat.

Summer: Who gets passed by a van full of nuns? Oh, wait, Cohen does!
Seth: Well they have God on their side, Summer, okay. I'm not gonna beat Jesus.
Summer: I'm gonna call Holly and see how far ahead of us they are. And she's a girl!

Summer: This is a nightmare. I'm sweating to death, driving ten miles an hour on, like, a rickshaw, listening to this... music.
Seth: Hey, do not insult Death Cab.
Summer: It's like one guitar and a whole lot of complaining.
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Summer: I am positive that I'm leaving this place with a rash.
Seth: Oh, so you're planning on making some extra money tonight?

Ryan: Sounds like a plan. By the way, you could've knocked first.

Summer: Come on. Get off the bed!
Seth: Nope.
Summer: Be, like, a gentleman?
Seth: Chivalry's dead, sugar.
Summer get onto the bed
Summer: You make a move, I rip out your jugular.
Seth: Hey, pillow talk.

THE RESCUE

Kirsten: I'm sure she'll apologize.
Sandy: You are? This is Julie Cooper we're talking about.

Seth: My mom's more popular than me. That's somewhat pathetic, I realize.

Dr. Kim: Seth. Always interesting to see you.

Seth: Not now Mom. I'm studying naked.
Summer: Ew.

Summer: What is this?
Seth: I don't know. I've never seen it before.
Summer: What's its name?
Seth: Captain Oats.

Seth: You're a strange and mysterious woman, Summer.

Sandy: If you can't tell your dad, who can you talk to?
Seth: Gee, I don't know. Ryan, Mom, that tree over there.
Sandy: You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
Seth: When are you leaving?

THE HEIGHTS

Kirsten: Doesn't Seth look rad?
Sandy: Oh, you do look rad. Mad props, son.

Seth: How do you do that, by the way? Convey everything with just a look?
Ryan gives him a look.

Seth: Yeah, that's the mantra every year, and every year some big water polo player ends up peeing in one of my shoes... Nah, I'm just kidding. He pees in both of them.

Seth: The master race has been perfected, Ryan, and they all go to our school.

Anna Stern: Oh, so insulting him counts as conversation?
Seth: Oh, well, if it doesn't we've never spoken.

Sandy: You're brave to face the preppy little savages. And I mean the teachers.

Summer: Sailing is so not like the fastest way to get anywhere.

THE PERFECT COUPLE

Seth: Oh I get it. I'm just here for the comic relief.
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Summer: What does Chino know about first dates? Where he came from, they don't even have a PF Cheng's.

Seth: So when you lost your virginity, I was playing Magic the Gathering.
Ryan: You still play Magic.
Seth: Yeah, but not as much.

Anna: So, this is your crib? This is where all the magic happens?
Seth: Well, if by magic, you're referring to the card game, then, sadly, yes.

Seth: What? It’s Anna. I could have said pop a squat if I wanted to.
Ryan: Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds.
Seth: Sometimes I do.
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THE HOMECOMING

Sandy: The boys and I made a pact.
Kirsten: A pact?
Sandy: A solemn promise.
Kirsten: When was this?
Sandy: You were in the bathroom.

Ryan: Titans. What about Legion? That was kinda cooler.
Seth: The guy is in prison, man. Have you seen Oz? But, yeah, Legion was kinda cooler.

Seth: Hey did you guys hear? Ryan's funny now.

Summer: I... I just can't help it. And I certainly can't explain it. You didn't tell anyone?
Seth: Of course not.
Summer: 'Cause I'll kill you.
Seth: No, I believe you.

Seth: Nothing says Thanksgiving like Moo Shu Pork.

Seth: Ryan. That's extremely minty of you. I didn't even know they had musicals in Chino. I didn't even know they had dancing. Or... laughter.
Ryan: That's because no one who lived there is as funny as you.
Seth: So, we finally agree I'm the funny one. Well look at that! Looks like we all learned some valuable lessons this Thanksgiving.

THE SECRET

Sandy: You don't feel warm.
Seth: Really? Do I feel cold and clammy?
Ryan: Maybe you have the Summer flu.
Seth: Yeah, it's November, but it's possible.
Ryan: Maybe you need some Anna-biotics..

Seth: defiantly I'm not afraid of Summer and Anna. *beat* Well, I'm not afraid of Anna.

Sandy: And you're going to yogalates.
Kirsten: You just like saying that.
Sandy: Yogalates? Yeah, I kinda do. To Ryan Yogalates?
Ryan: Yogalates.

Seth: You and Luke? Holy unholy alliances!

Luke: What are you looking at, Queer?
Seth: Is somebody gonna get new material? Luke lunges at him Alright. Go with what works.

Luke: Maybe I'll just skip it, you know? Just go to the beach and wait 'til this all blows over.
Ryan: Nope. It doesn't work that way. It's been months and I'm still the kid from Chino who burned a house down.
Marissa: And I'm still the girl who tried to kill herself in TJ.
Seth: And I'm still... Well, I'm still Seth Cohen.

THE BEST CHRISMUKKAH EVER

Ryan: What are you wrapping?
Seth: Two Seth Cohen Starter Packs. We've got Death Cab, we've got Brighteyes... and we've got The Goonies. It's not just for kids, Ryan.

Seth: C'mon, man. Lighten up! Ryan doesn't lighten up. Stay dark. Dark works for you.

Ryan: You're really starting to scare me.
Seth: I'm okay with that.

Ryan: You better pray for a Chrismukkah miracle.
Seth: I've got Moses and Jesus on my side, man.

Seth: How was the mall?
Ryan: Eh, weird.
Seth: Yes. You've really painted a picture for me. I feel like I was there.

Jimmy: Marissa and I were just trying to work out an appropriate punishment.
Julie: Oh really? Well way to rule with an iron fist, Stalin.

Caleb Nichol to Sandy: C'mon Sanford, it's a party. Get back to your Berkeley days. Maybe you can smoke the tree.
Sandy: Smoke the tree. Funny.

Summer to herself: Way to go, Wonder Whore.

Marissa: Stop, okay? You're scaring me!
Ryan: Good. You're scaring me.

Ryan: There's drinking, crying, cops. Well then it must be Christmas.

Seth: Alright man, another Chrismukkah convert!

THE COUNTDOWN

Seth: Separate seats, you guys. There's no sex in the champagne room.

Hailey Nichol: Is that the short chick next door?
Seth: Puberty happened. She's a Laker.

Seth: Carson Daly and a ball dropping. There is two images that should never be said in the same sentence.

Sandy: Do you guys need anything?
Seth: Yes. Ryan needs a tear in the space time continuum.

Hailey: Lighten up, Ki Ki.
Kirsten: Don't call me Ki Ki! Only Dad calls me Ki Ki. And only because he won't... not.

Seth: Okay, that's a lot of genitalia in my pool.

Seth: I'm claustrophobic.
Ryan: Seth this place is huge. It has a kitchen and a bathroom.
Seth: Sh. Ryan, do not use up all the oxygen.
Ryan: You want a sandwich, a shower, we got all that here.
Seth: Ha ha ha. We're gonna die and I'm the good one.
Ryan: I sleep here every night. Three of the walls are made of windows.
Seth: Yes, which are now covered with naked dudes. We're trapped like rats.
Ryan: Rats in an enormous pool house. By the way, your aunt's really cool.
Seth: Yeah I know, she's be a bit unpredictable sometimes. My shirt's strangling me.
Ryan: Great, my girlfriend's kissing some guy. I'm stuck here with a lunatic.

Sandy: I should really learn to knock. In case there's a threesome going on in my bedroom.

Anna: Well I didn't want you to be alone.
Seth: I'm not alone. I have Captain Oats and Carson Daly.

THE THIRD WHEEL

Ryan: about Hailey That's because all her friends want to kick her ass. pause Sorry about the language.
Sandy: Why? I want to kick her ass.

Luke: New year's resolution: punch people less.
Ryan: Yeah. Mine, too.

Seth: to himself Luke has a gay dad. Luke has a gay dad. to Luke Can't wait to see it, buddy!

Seth: Dude. I cannot believe you live in the penthouse, man. This place is ridonculous.

Sandy: Anyone there going to be doing drugs?
Seth: I hope so. Otherwise it'd be a lame-ass rock concert.

Seth: to a singing Luke Hey man, you know who sings this song?
Luke: Rooney!
Seth: Yeah. And it should stay that way.

Sandy: Hey, Connect Four was happening. It gets my blood up.

THE LINKS

Ryan: I don't play golf.
Seth: Not true, buddy! You don't play golf very well.

about Julie and Caleb
Sandy: Oh god, the ugly Americans are coming back.

Kirsten offering Hailey a muffin: Pumpkin muffin?
Sandy: Yes, darling?

Summer: I was being sarcastic.
Marissa: So was I.
Summer: Which we never were before Cohen showed up and taught us all irony. Jackass.

Kirsten: She looks good. Her spirits are high.
Caleb: She's high?
Kirsten: No. She looks good. She's very up.
Caleb: So she's on uppers?

Hailey: Julie, your hair.
Julie: Hailey, you're here.

Anna: How come when she says "friends" it sounds like a threat?
Seth: It's her inflection.

Luke about Oliver: I could hurt that guy.
Ryan: So could I.

THE RIVALS

Seth: Oh, god, he watches Leno. That explains everything.
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Kirsten: Aspirational? Is that even a word?

Luke: Just give me the word and I will drop the Great Gatsby.

Sandy: Hi. I'm Sandy.
Danny: Then why don't you go take a shower?
Sandy: Pardon?
Danny: Just kidding, I like you dirty.

Sandy: He makes Ryan look funny.
Seth: He makes Marissa look funny.

Seth: She said that? That she thinks I'm the funniest guy ever?
Danny: Yeah. You and some dude named Captain Oats.

Seth: I know Jon Stewart's no Leno, but, you know...

THE TRUTH

Julie: Hey, you guys wanna join us? We're celebrating my new position.
Sandy: Ohhh, I'm not gonna touch that one.

Oliver: She's not talking to Ryan right now.
Luke: Is she still talking to me or are you doing all of her talking now?

Julie to Ryan: So who'd you beat up this time? Dr. Kim?

Seth: You don't think that's a little crazy?
Luke: Have you met Oliver?

Kirsten: You want me to break up with her?
Caleb: I knew you would understand.

Sandy: Hello, ladies!
Seth: Dad, don't call me a lady.

Sandy: Give me the keys. Ryan hesitates Give me the keys.
Ryan still hesitates
Ryan: You said if I needed your help, I could come to you.
Sandy: Give me the keys... I'll drive.

THE HEARTBREAK

Summer: I'm not gonna be your sloppy seconds, assface.

Jimmy examining a package: Well it's not ticking. So it can't be from your mom.

Summer: I'm busy. Studying. Naked.
Seth outside her door: And that's supposed to keep me away.
Summer: Cohen? You're at my house!
Seth: And you're dressed. I wonder who's more disappointed.

Seth: Ryan, I was Nemo and I just wanted to go home.

Seth: I need to talk to you. Girl stuff.
Sandy: You've come to the master.
Kirsten snickers
Sandy: Hey, I got you.
Kirsten: I was young, impressionable, and drunk.
Seth: Only child, right here.

Sandy: Hey, listen, you were lucky to be able to hang in there after all that foreplay.
Seth: Fore-what-now?

Sandy: You know, the thing about Ryan—
Marissa: No, this isn't about Ryan.
Sandy: I know. But the thing about Ryan...

Kirsten: Sometimes you make it hard to hate you.
Sandy: I know!

Seth to Captain Oats: Not to rub it in, man, but I think Princess Sparkle is your type.
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Summer: The other night, when we... had sex, you weren't the only virgin in the room.
Seth: There was someone else in the room? Like filming us?
Summer: Me, jackass.

As Ryan Adam's cover of Wonderwall plays
Summer: C'mon Cohen, you are so cheesy.
Seth: I'm sweeping you off your feet.
Summer: The sad part is, you kinda are.

THE TELENOVELA

Summer: What are you guys gonna do together? Lift weights? Wear a wife beater?

Seth: Hey, I didn't recognize you out of a Speedo. *pause* Not that I would recognize you in a Speedo.

Seth: How was Pittsburgh?
Anna: Great. It was good to be home.
Seth: Well it was also the home of Andy Warhol, Mr. Rogers, and ketchup. You can't compete with that.

Kirsten: He's a consultant.
Sandy: Could you be please be a little more vague?
Kirsten: He knows people.
Sandy: You did it. That was a little more vague.

Kirsten: I sense sarcasm.
Seth: Well, you're perceptive, mother.

Sandy: You did musicals? I did a musical myself when I was in college.
Kirsten: Oh, please, someone stop him before he breaks into "Greased Lightning."
Seth: Do it, Dad! Travolta's your bitch!

Seth: I can't acknowledge you privately if you're not gonna acknowledge me publicly.

THE GOODBYE GIRL

Summer: My Dad says chins are the new noses.
Anna: Picasso thought so, too.
Summer: Really? What hospital does he work at?
Anna looks at Seth, Seth looks at Summer
Summer: Kidding! I'm not that dumb, just shallow!

Sandy: Do you want to know what I think?
Ryan: You're going to tell me either way, right?
Sandy: Like my own son.

Ryan to Seth: Do not insult Journey, all right?
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Seth: My Jew-fro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.

Julie: Luke is just here to defrag my harddrive.

Seth: I know, I get that. But if it is 'cause of me, maybe I can talk her out of it. Except for the fact that I can't ask her if it because of me without sounding totally self-absorbed. And I'm not self-absorbed, right Ryan? Me. Me. Me.

Seth: What if the girl I'm supposed to be with just went back to Pittsburgh?
Ryan: What if she just went back to Chino?
Seth: Why would Anna go to Chino? *pause* Kidding.
Ryan: Nice one. Well, at least we still have each other.
Seth: Actually, I have Summer now. But I'll put a little Seth/Ryan time on the books. That's quality time.
Ryan: Thanks, buddy. You know, I could always hang out with Luke. I wonder what he's doing right now.
Seth: I don't know. Discovering fire... Hunting and gathering... maybe shaving his chest with a buck knife. Hey you could do that together.
Ryan: I did do that.

Seth: But what will I do without your wisdom?
Anna: Confidence, Cohen.

THE L.A.

Seth: I think I'm going to declare this month Angst-Free Ryan month.

Seth: Maybe they're not having sex. Maybe they just go to spoon and watch Charlie Rose.

Ryan about Grady: He's kinda like you.
Seth: What? Handsome and charming?
Ryan: No. Geeky and sarcastic.

Marissa: Okay, you're starting to sound like Seth.
Ryan: I know. It rubs off.

Jimmy: My oasis is being violated. My happy place is very unhappy right now.

Ryan about Grady: How does that guy play high school?
Seth: Hollywood, man.

Marissa pretending Ryan is an actor: You are actually a little shorter than I imagined.

Summer: And if you guys are about to break up? Isn't that, like, bad for the show?

Ryan: See, I kinda think Seth is the brains.
Marissa: Oh really?
Seth: Yeah. And Summer's the bitch.

THE NANA

Luke to a sleeping Cohen: Hey, Cohen, get up.
Seth: It's my precious, you can't have it!

Seth: So what's the GPRA?
Ryan: I have no idea what you just said.
Seth: Game plan, Ryan Atwood.
Ryan: You're just using initials now?
Seth: Yeah. They save time.
Ryan: Well, not if you have friends that don't.
Seth: GP.
Ryan: Game Plan?
Seth: Good Point.

Seth: Mom, Hailey made three kinds of pancakes and waffles. They're deliciously redundant.

Sandy about the pancakes: Enjoy them now, because we only have two hours to unleaven the entire house.

Seth: The Nana has never exactly cared for The Kirsten.

Sandy: Oh, c'mon, Mom. It's Ryan's first Seder.
Seth: How do you know that? Don't assume that. They have Jews in Chino. Why do you think they want a P.F. Cheng's?

The Nana: Shawn and your dad used to hang in a gang together.
Seth: Yeah? Bloods or Crips, father?

Summer: I'm gonna study this thing so hard I'm even gonna out-Jew you.
Summer opens the Hagada.
Seth: You're reading it backwards.

The Nana: Oh god. What am I doing here? I hate this state, I hate the sunshine, I hate the ocean, I hate Schwarzenegger!

Sandy: So how was everything at home?
Ryan: You tell me. I was in Chino.

THE PROPOSAL

Marissa: Besides, I'm not the only one crying.
Seth: What? I'm not crying. It's allergies. Besides, there's a lot of pollen in here right now. It's ridiculous.

Julie: I had to block you from my buddy list. You were incessant.
Luke: You blocked me?

Summer: How can you live like this? Your t-shirts are touching your sweaters.

Seth: Yeah, so do you really think a little Feng Shui would make her forget her mom slept with her ex-boyfriend?

Summer: You cry during chick flicks, you don't want to go to the hardware store. What's next? You walk in on Ryan changing?
Seth: That's... that's a good one, Summer. Very funny.

Summer: You were in the comic book club?
Seth: Yeah. President and only member.

Summer: Was I really mean to you?
Seth: No, that would have required you to speak to me. Nobody would speak to me.
Summer: A lot's changed in a year, huh.

Kirsten: My dad is marrying Julie Cooper.
Sandy: Maybe we'll get you another bottle.

Summer: Do you have the stud finder?
Seth: Oh Summer. I think you are the stud finder.
Summer: You see this hammer in my hand?
Seth: Yeah, we'll find the stud finder. What does it look like?
Summer: Don't you know what a level is?
Seth: Yeah, it's something that you advance to in a video game.
Summer: That's funny. The tool doesn't know about tools.

Luke jokingly, to Ryan: Welcome to Portland, bitch.

Summer You're such a dandy, Cohen.
Seth offended: You're a dandy, woman!

Seth: She'll watch over you with her Care Bear Stare.
Ryan: How do you know about the Care Bear Stare?

THE SHOWER

Seth about Kirsten: It's her Tourette's firing up again. Happens every once and again, but it's fun.

Seth: When this Julie-Caleb web is over, Julie Cooper is gonna be your mother-in-law
Kirsten: Seth, my head is spinning
Seth: Yeah, me and Marissa? I can't even do that math. But the real kicker is...Julie Cooper? My grandma. My grandma wears Uggs. Think about it.

Julie: ...And a wedding planner that has the audacity to question my music taste. Bob Seger is not "so over."

Summer: They're playing Pac-Man. It's not a Mandy Moore movie.

Ryan: Sarcasm is, like, breathing for you.

Caleb: Besides, we're family.
Jimmy: Right. pause Are we? I can't keep track.

Seth: What would you say—in your professional opinion—Summer has more of? Vim or vigor?

Seth: So I didn't even get a review? Not that I read my own press. Nothing about thumbs or stars or—
Summer: We should go.

Ryan to Seth: Let go of me. Now.
Marissa: Is Ryan leaving?
Seth: Yeah. pause Oh, and he took your car.

Caleb: Believe it or not, I've got a past too. Not involving monster trucks, per se.

Kirsten: I am never throwing another party again.
Sandy: Don't tease.

THE STRIP

Seth: Go back to bed. Or... the floor.

Theresa: I can't impose on Seth's parents forever.
Seth: Sure you can. I intend to.

Sandy to Caleb: So, Cay-Cay, what have you been doing all this time?

Sandy: Not that I have any affection for you, Caleb. But I do love The Vegas.
Seth: I didn't know you loved The Vegas, dad.
Sandy: I love The Vegas.
Seth: Ryan, how do you feel about The Vegas?
Ryan: I've never been to The Vegas. My mom was all about The Reno.

Julie: Just one little stripper. Who never hurt anyone. Just trying to make his way in the world... naked.
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Theresa about her new living arrangements: I mean, she doesn't have a poolhouse or anything...

Seth: Have you met my associate, Marty Navis?

Seth: Dude, what are we we do? I don't want to get thrown out of the hotel. I love the hotel. I wanna marry the hotel and have little gambling-addicted alcoholic kids with it. Is that wrong?

Summer: I have been crying actual tears over that ass and he's kissing randoms.

Seth: I love The Vegas. Obviously The Vegas loves me.

Seth: Why quit when we're ahead?
Ryan: 'Cause if we don't, Angry Trucker Hat Guy is gonna hurt me.

Kirsten: There are four male strippers, dressed as firemen dancing in our living room.
Sandy: Theme-stripping. You gotta love that.
Kirsten: Oh, wait, now they're not dressed as anything at all.
Sandy: Try to keep them off of the furniture, honey.

Summer: Get away from him, whore!
Seth: Wait wait wait! She's not a whore. She goes to UNLV.
Summer: Oh, okay. Get away from him, skank.

Seth: I hate The Vegas.

Summer: Way to go, Whore Boy.
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Seth about Texas Hold 'Em: That's a card game, not hooker-talk.

THE TIES

Seth: Seth's a good name if it's a boy.

Ryan: Can we not play the name game?

Seth: There's really been no need for the Seth Cohen retaliatory zinger.

Kirsten on the phone, about Caleb: And he hates carnies.
Sandy: Note to self: hang with carnies.

Kirsten: Is everything okay?
Ryan: Yeah, it's fine.
Theresa: I'm pregnant.
Seth: Well, except for that.

Summer: ...about my best friend.
Seth: Princess Sparkle is freaking out?

Theresa: 85¢. Great. I'll put it towards the baby's college tuition.

Sandy: So that's why you wanted us out of the restaurant. Why you snaky... not so successful son of a bitch.

Seth: I just love pudding. It's so fun to say. Pudding. Pudding. Puuudding.
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Kirsten to Theresa: You won't want to drive. I'm an excellent driver. And an amazing parker.

Ryan: You're talking to a boat, Seth.
Seth: Yeah, I talk to a plastic horse, too. But that never worries anyone.
Ryan: Yeah. It worries me.

Kirsten: Denial is a very effective coping mechanism.

Summer: I can't believe your boat's name is Summer. What a coincidence. My name's Summer, your boat's name is Summer...
Seth: Right.

Summer: $6,000 in cash? What are you fleeing the country, Cohen?

Seth: I think this was on this very stretch of beach where we got our asses kicked by the entire water polo team.
Marissa: When was that?
Ryan: After the fashion show at Holly's beach house.
Summer: You guys were at that party?
Seth: Sighs Oh, those were the days.

Marissa: Believe me, if there was something I could do, I would.
Seth: Yeah, well, I think you've done enough already.

Sandy: Just because you're leaving doesn't mean I'm gonna give you up. pause Now, come on, get dressed. You're about to witness the most unholy of unions.

Summer: They sent me out to find you. pause Found you. I figured you'd be stuffing your pockets with cocktail weinies.

Seth to Summer: And for the record? The boat was named after you.

Kirsten to Ryan: If I did learn to cook, could we convince you to stay?

Sandy to Ryan: And Kirsten's not even a hugger.
Kirsten: You always know how to ruin a moment.