THE PILOT

Gossip Girl: Why'd she leave? Why'd she return? Send me all the deets. And who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell. The only one. XOXO. Gossip Girl.

Rufus: Look at this.
Dan reading Rolling Stone: "Top Ten Forgotten Bands of the 90s."
Rufus: Check out who's #9.
Jenny: He's very proud.
Dan: Hey! Hey! Way to be... forgotten.

Jenny: So we should just be anonymous losers who eat lunch alone and never get invited to parties.
Dan: Works for me.

Chuck: Are you following us or something?
Dan: No, I go to your school. Identical uniforms, isn't that kind of a tip-off?
Nate: That's funny.
Dan: So, you guys wanna sit together at lunch?

Blair Waldorf: Well we should get going then. Unless you want us to wait for you. Looks like you've got a lot of yogurt left.

Dan to his dad: Save some trees. Have a blog.
Rufus: Maybe if musicians got off their "blogs" and picked up their guitars the music business would be in better shape.

Serena: I talked to the nurse and I'm kidnapping you.
Eric: We're going shopping, aren't we?

Chuck: This is some good stuff.
Nate: I'm gonna need it. Blair's mom's at the country house.
Chuck: Yeah? Well then maybe I should swipe some of my dad's Viagra. Nate looks nonplussed. Or my mom's Paxil?

Chuck: I love it when you talk dirty.
Serena: You just love it when a girl talks to you.
Chuck: Actually I prefer it when they're not talking.
Serena: Hm. I've missed your witty banter.

Rufus: Lily. Are you shopping for some art to match your furniture?
Lily: Why is my daughter going to one of your concerts?
Rufus: 'Cause we're awesome.

Eleanor: Blair, you will never be more beautiful or thin or happy than you are right now. I want you to make the most of it.
Blair: I guess I have time to change.
Eleanor: And put some product in your hair. The ends are dry.

Serena: So you took me to meet your dad on the first date?
Dan: So, this is a date? Ah, maybe I shouldn't have worn my loafers then. Dressed down a bit.

Dan: So, think I've got a shot at a second date?
Serena: Well I don't think we could top this one.
Dan: I did punch someone.
Serena: True.

THE WILD BRUNCH

Dan: I think I have brain damage.
Jenny: You know, Dan, if you had brain damage you wouldn't even know you had brain damage.

Nate: That kid popped you pretty good, huh? Never mess with a guy's sister.
Chuck: If I knew his name I'd hunt him down and kill him.
Nate: What, 'cause you kill people now? You gonna strangle him with your scarf?
Chuck: Don't mock the scarf, Nathaniel. It's my signature.
Nate: I'm just saying: death by scarf. Not that intimidating.

Dan: Hey, how you doing? I was in yesterday with Serena.
Dexter: How could I forget.
Dan: Yeah, well. Um. Is she in?
Dexter: Just missed her actually, but you're welcome to wait.
Dan: Yeah, okay. Maybe I will. She probably won't be that long, right?
Dexter: Once she went out and didn't come back for six months, but feel free to sit. Over there.

Serena: Hey. I got two bone-dry caps and Audrey.
Blair: I must have totally blanked on the part where I invited you over.
Serena: I called you. Blair, it's Sunday morning. Coffee, croissants, Breakfast at Tffany's. It's our tradition.
Blair: I have new traditions now.
Serena: Well they're not traditions if they're new.

Bart Bass: Why do you think I do all this? Huh? This party is for you, okay, so you can meet people. You know, become a part of something, make some kind of change.
Chuck: Really? I thought it was another excuse for an open bar and, ah, rehiring of the nearly-nude statues.
Bart: Do me a favor, will you? Lose the Scotch. It's barely noon.

Dan: Why weren't you talking? Does this have anything to do with why you were waiting for Serena this morning?
Blair: You were what?
Chuck: And here I thought you were waiting for me.
Dan: Oh exactly what this situation needs: Chuck.

Chuck: Looks like it's just you and me. Apparently my room's available.

GG: Well Serena's mystrey man is a mystery no longer. His name is— ugh, who cares? Now that he and S are over so are his 15 minutes.

POISON IVY
Glamorous by the Constance Billard School Choir

Serena: I really want to believe that was an accident.
Blair: Then you must be delusional.

Ref: Running out of colors here, Blair.
Serena: And I'm running out of patience. That's enough.
Blair: It's enough when I say it's enough.

Gossip Girl: Hey Upper East Siders. We hear that World War III just broke out. And it's wearing kneesocks. Choose your side or run and hide. We have a feeling this one's to the death.

Serena: It's a tough week.
Dan: Not for me, apparently.
Serena: Oh, you got an usher position?
Dan: No I didn't. In an ironic though not totally unexpected twist, Nate got the one I wanted.

Chuck: Heard about the field hockey throwdown. All those mouth guards and short skirts. I hope somebody filmed it.

Dan about Nate: Last year, I believe he had an original thought. It died of loneliness.

Rufus: You're in.
Dan: What?
Rufus: The Ivy Week party tonight. Your name will be on the program and everything.
Dan: You got me the Dartmouth spot?
Jenny: I knew you could do it, Dad.
Rufus: No you didn't. And no, I didn't. How do you feel about the refreshment committee?
Dan: Well there is no refreshment commitee.
Rufus: Not until now.
Jenny: Oh god.
Rufus: What? Everybody gets thirsty. It's really a position of power.
Dan: How did you secure me this prominent and simultaneously embarrassing position?
Rufus: By offering my own services.
Dan: Mm. Serving snacks?
Rufus: I'm the head of the entertainment committee.
Dan: Another committee that didn't exist until you left the house today.
Jenny: Way to go, Dad. Who's the entertainment?
Rufus: Since it was such short notice the only person I could get was... myself.
Dan: Kind of a staid affair for early 90s post-punk meth rock, don't you think?
Rufus: I'm bringing a couple of the guys. It'll be Rufus Unplugged.
Jenny: Need a roadie?

Dan: I get it. I mean, since you don't have to actually worry about getting into college, why not make the entire evening about screwing over Blair.

Blair: Erik, I didn't—
Erik: See that coming? Yeah. Well it must be a shock for someone who thinks she knows everything.

Rufus: So you really impressed the guy, huh? Must be the way you poured those sodas.

BAD NEWS BLAIR

Eleanor: Before you tuck into that, you might find a lowfat yogurt more appealing.

Chuck: Who brought the sasquatch?
Nate: Isn't that Carter Basin? I haven't seen him since the eighth grade when he was in the tenth. He looks intense.
Chuck: Are you high? He looks like Matthew McConaughey between movies. The guy's a loser.Look, anyone who trades their trust fund for a fanny pack flies in the face of all that is holy to Chuck Bass.

Gossip Girl : Doesn't Chuck know a party isn't a party until someone crashes?

Chuck: Look, anyone who trades their trust fund for a fanny pack flies in the face of all that is holy to Chuck Bass.

Blair to Dan: What are you doing here? Do I smell pork? And... cheese? Okay, well when you're done with you charity work why don't you come find me.

Chuck: As much as I love the speech about not needing material things from a guy who has that much product in his hair, this party is about excess. Not exposition. Stop talking. Start partying. two girls sidle up beside him Now here is something that doesn't need material. In fact it's about to come off. Who's with me.
Nate: Actually I think we should hang here for awhile.
Chuck: Fine. I'd hate to break up a matched set.

Serena: Let's do something crazy, like Britney with the umbrella... Okay, go! I'm the car! I'm the car!

Serena: Posh Spice in America. Ready go!
Blair: That's Cyborg Spice to you.

Dan: She's best friends with this girl, Blair Waldorf. Who is basically everything I hate about the Upper East Side distilled into one 95-pound, doe-eyed, bon mots tossing, label-whoring package of girly evil.

Serena: Okay, what if I buy you anything you want from craft service?
Dan: I thought craft service was free.

Lilly: Your wife despises me.
Rufus: I wouldn't say that.
Lilly: Well she did. She may have been wearing a slip dress and Doc Martens at the time, but she definitely meant it.

Gossip Girl: You didn't hear it from us, but in every girl's life there comes a moment when she realizes her mother may be more messed up than she is.

Serena: Hey, how about you ask me out again?
Dan: How about you actually show up?
Serena: Okay. No drama, no disruptions. I promise.
Dan: You promise? Oh no! That means it's never going to happen now!
Serena: Okay, quick, I take it back! I un-promise.
Dan: Friday. 8 o'clock.
Blair: I think we can agree to those terms. But you can't wear those shoes. Or that hair.

Gossip Girl: This just in: S and B committing a crime of fashion. five-finger discount. Who doesn't love a five-finger discount. Especially if it's the middle one.

DARE DEVIL

Rufus: Did you knock over a parking meter?
Dan: No. This is the entire contents from my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles piggybank. How long can a man have a piggybank and still call himself a man?

Blair: What was that I heard? Eric's coming home? That's perfect timing.
Serena: How so?
Blair: Well it gives your mother and brother time to bond alone tonight while you get drunk on Schnapp's and moon the NYU dorms from the limo.

Serena: Look, I'm really sorry but this date is unbreakable. Maybe we can swing by later or something. I—
Blair: I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination.

About the Palace
Dan: It's a nice place that you and... eight hundred other people have got here.
Serena: Yeah, the identical surroundings do make you crazy after a little while. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a secret government experiment.

Lily: Home by one o'clock. Bonus points for 12:45.

Gossip Girl: Here's an inside tip, Little J: the faster you rise, the harder you fall. Hope that Hello Kitty sleeping bag doubles as a parachute.

Blair: As my mother always says, "Fashion knows not of comfort. All that matters is the face you show the world." And your face looks like it's going to Bat Mitzvah. But before we continue the renovation grabs a martini glass Martini.
Jenny: Oh, no thanks. I don't like vodka.
Blair: Well, that's nice. Because this is gin.

Serena: Are you sure you didn't want any of my dinner? Your entrée was so small.
Dan: No no, it was amazing. I didn't realize fish could be creamed.

Intake Nurse: What drugs have you been taking?
Blair: Mm... caffeine. Nicotine. Ketamine. GHB. PCP. LSD. Dir- Diazepam. Lorazepam. All the pams, really. I don't discriminate.
Intake Nurse: Apparently not.

Rufus answering the phone: This better not be my wife.
Lily: Rufus, do you always answer the phone like that?
Rufus: Lily?
Lily: Listen, I need your son's cellphone number. It's an emergency.
Rufus: A real emergency or a Lily emergency?

Blair: Look at the Hedge Fund Mafia in here. I thought matchy-matchy was over.

Serena to Dan: There's something vibrating in your pocket and I really hope it's your phone.

Lily: So I made some calls but as it turns out, none of my people know your people. Shocking, but true. Either "Dan Humphrey" is an alias or your son is not very popular. Regardless, I need that number.

THE HANDMAIDEN'S TALE
(very good book by the way)

Gossip Girl : Couture and canape are just another Saturday night until you add a mask. But preparing for a ball is an event in itself. Which is why queens invented handmaidens.

Dan: A ball?
Rufus: Haven't you heard? Your sister's Cinderella.
Dan: And let me guess, your wicked step-sister's Blair Waldorf.

Chuck: So what exactly are you looking for?
Nate: Evidence.
Chuck: Of what? The Captain's dislike of starchy shirts? I totally sympathize. The collars chafe.

Blair: Is it a bong, mother? I didn't take you for a stoner.

Lily: Do you think that Eleanor Waldorf will find this "Night in Tangiers" enough?
Serena: Maybe if you brought a goat.

Rufus: Since when were you the patron saint of former rock stars?
Lily: Since when were you a star?

Dan: Case of mistaken identity. Ironically... not involving masks.

Jenny about Dan: I think he'd go anywhere with you. Except for maybe the ice capades 'cause that really freaked him out when he was five.

Chuck: Little Jenny Humphrey manages to get my pants off and have me not enjoy it. Quite the accomplishment.

VICTOR/VICTROLA

Jenny: Dad, have you seen a bracelet? You know, round, silverish, sparkly?
Rufus: Yeah, I think I saw that next to that ambiguous vague thing by the non-descript place.

Serena: You think, all the money we spend on private school, they could at least give us a comfortable spot to make out.
Dan: Or better chemistry teachers. Mr. Pizer is a little weird.

Bart Bass: What's with the business formal? Are you being arraigned for something?

Dan: How was I?
Serena: I don't know. Let's ask the judges.
BT1: I was gonna give you a three, but since you're a virgin I gave you an extra point.
Dan: Hey, I chose to wait. Sex is meaningful. Like art. And you don't rush art.
BT2: Who's Art?

Eleanor: You need to look elegant for the Archibald dinner tomorrow night. So what do you think?
Blair: Yes, it would be very nice if I was sailing up on the Mayflower.

Chuck: Nathaniel. Your position in my esteem has been replaced by your voicemail.

Dan: The leg wrap. That's interesting.
Serena: Sexy, right? And it increases stability.
Dan: Sure, yeah. I can see that. The hair grab, does that really work?
Nate: Oh yeah, every time.
Dan: Okay, so. Leg wrap to hair grab. Hold on a second, do I have to keep my shirt open and billowing like that?
Nate: It never hurts.
Serena: Nice.
Dan: I'm doomed.

Vanessa to Jenny: You look pretty good for a dead messenger.

Amy: There's a fire eater in the ladies’ lounge.

Rufus: Let me ask you that question another way: did you break up with Bart again?
Lily: Well. What did I do to deserve such a thorny welcome?
Rufus: I'm sorry, I'm really not in the mood to play games.I don't know what's happening with my wife, or my marriage. And you showing up here randomly—and often—doesn't make figuring that out any easier.

SEVENTEEN CANDLES

Blair: You don't grant birthday wishes, do you?
Priest: I'm a priest, not a genie.

Gossip Girl : Speak of the Devil and he doth appear. Wearing his trademark scarf.

Nate: Mom, that's a family heirloom. I'm not giving it to Blair. It's an engagement ring.
Mrs. Archibald: I'm not asking you to propose. But it's important that Blair knows how much you value her loyalty.
Nate: Her loyalty or her mother's?

Allison Humphrey: I asked if you were okay with me going away and I'd hoped that if there was a problem you would say something.
Dan: Like what? Your daughter's a freshman at a school populated by mean girls and date rapists, I think she needs her mom? Or maybe, My father is madly in love with you and will probably never get over this. Why should I have to tell you this?

Chuck: What's on your mind?
Nate: It's my mom.
Chuck: Sounds Freudian.

Blair: Chuck. You know that I adore all of God’s creatures and the metaphors that they inspire. But, those butterflies? Have got to be murdered.

Serena: Blair this is Dan’s friend, Vanessa.
Vanessa: Wow, you didn't mention they were so nice. Now I get it.
Blair: Oh sweetie, you did not tell me she looked like that. This is such a problem.

Serena: Blair says in a relationship the best friend is—
Dan: Serena. Are you really taking relationship advice from Blair?
Serena: Good point. Look, I just don't wanna have to compete with Vanessa. You know with Guitar Hero, okay. I'm way more awesome if you didn't happen to notice. But not with you.
Dan: That's fair.

Chuck: 12:01. I'm sorry.
Blair: No. You're smarmy. There's a difference.

Blair: I'm not in the mood, Chuck. This is pretty much the worst birthday ever.
Chuck: Maybe it can be salvaged.
Blair: What is that, our sex tape?

Gossip Girl: Spotted: B turning a year older but not necessarily wiser.

BLAIR WALDORF MUST PIE!

Blair: Where is your purse?
Serena: Uh. My purse...
Blair: Great. Alright. You stay here. Okay? I'm gonna go look. Don't drink. Or hit on anything.

Serena: Tell me you didn't sleep with Chuck for revenge.
Blair: Well it wasn't because I like his natural musk.

Lily: There's nothing wrong with having Chinese food on Thanksgiving. Jews have been doing it on Christmas since forever. Look, a pumpkin. It's festive, yes?
Eric: We're going to eat a pumpkin?

Dan: Bold choice of attire, Mrs. Van der Woodsen. Unless it's what they're wearing on the runway these days.

Dan: You were talking about your ranch.
Jenny: Did you have any horses?
Lily: Yes, I had a few. Um, I had my own. Rosewood.
Jenny: My dad has a song called Rosewood.
Rufus: Oh, but no, not that Rosewood.
Dan: I completely forgot about that song!
Jenny: Yeah, it's about my mom, you know. 'Cause she had this perfume that she always wore. It was rose and —
Dan: Sandalwood.
Jenny: Sandalwood. It was like her own personal scent.
I'm a fool.
Rufus: You're not a fool.
Dan: Raise your hand if you're over 30 and acting really weird right now.

Serena: Blair's not the boss of me.
Nate: Are you new here? Because Blair's the boss of all of us.

Serena: Blair's a bossy genius.

Rufus: Lily, these past few weeks have been...
Lily: Have been what? You can't even say it, can you?
Rufus: I can. But I shouldn't.

Dan: There's no chance we're related, right?
Jenny: Oh, look at Eric's roots.
Eric: What do you mean? What's wrong with my roots?
Jenny: They're kind of Rufus-like, doncha think?

Blair: You know what's really weird? There is a garage door in the middle of your room.

Blair: If you think about it, it makes total sense that your mom is a groupie. I mean only a woman that had completely satisfied her sexual appetite in her youth would ever marry your step-dads

Dan to Blair: See you later, Waldorf.

HI, SOCIETY

Blair: Ugh. A girl wants Romeo, not Hamlet.
Serena: Romeo died.
Blair: Yeah, but he died for something exciting. And I want my debutante ball to be something to die for.

Jenny: A debutante ball is all a girl could ask for. It's gorgeous and formal and totally legendary.
Dan: Don't forget out of touch and totally classist.

Lily: The brands I listed are the key to her happiness. And that includes Tanqueray.

Nate: Who are you and what did you do with Blair Waldorf?
Blair: Not bad Archibald. Almost forgot how handsome you are.

Celia: I don't like my ice to get lonely, dear.
Maid: Of course, ma'am.

Nate: I just don't get it, I organized everything the way she likes it. I mean, I even made sure sure my bowtie matched her dress.
Chuck: Like the book says, she's just not that into you.

Celia: Do you like it here, Mr. Humphrey?
Dan: Well it's a little bit like a museum, a little cold. Although the water pressure is unparalleled.

GG: This just in: We hear there's a cold war brewing between Lonely Boy and a certain Blue Blood. We never thought we'd say this ourselves —
      Serena: There you are. What's going on?
      Dan: I'll tell you what's going on. I just became your escort for the ball.
But our money's on Brooklyn for the win.

Blair: If you don't pull it together I'm gonna go Naomi campbell on you.

"Ms. van der Woodsen hopes to bed as many billionaires as she can before settling down to—" Oh my god!

Rufus: You're back. What happened?
Dan: Ceci won.
Rufus: She has a habit of doing that.

Lily: You belong with my daughter and I think everyone should know that. Would you come with me?
Dan: Yes, Mrs. van der Woodsen, I would love to.
Lily: Good. And it's Lily.

Rufus: But if I had known you hadn't actually left me for him, I mean maybe—
Lily: Listen, don't— Don't say it. Don't even think it.
Rufus: I can't help myself. I never should have let you let me go.

Chauffeur: Where to, Mr. Bass?
Chuck: The airport.

And as for me, I can see clearly now. XOXO —Gossip Girl.

ROMAN HOLIDAY

Gossip Girl: Hey Upper East Siders, it's Christmas in New York. And along with the season comes the Constance Billard/St. Jude's bazaar. Where the only thing "bazaar" are the donated items for sale.

Dan: How about an antique butter churn?
Serena: Oh my gosh. That would go so well with my loom.

Roman: Blair. hugs her You are still perfection. Delicate yet full with flavor. Like a macaroon.

Jenny: Yeah, you got your dream girl and your story in the New Yorker. Maybe you should just die now.
Dan: That's true. I may have peaked.

Dan: This one is from the Smiths. "Seasons Greetings". That's very original.
Jenny: Their name is Smith. They don't have to be original.
Dan: This one is from Alex. "Allison, meet me on the 24th."
Allison: No, Dan—
Dan: And... that's not a Christmas card.

GG: Spotted skating at Wollman rink: the Blair Capades. All the grace of Nancy Kerrigan, but packing the punch of a Tonya Harding.

Rufus: I kept your date for you with Alex. He's actually a pretty cool guy other than the fact that he's in love with my wife.

Chuck's viocemail: Leave a message and I might listen to it.

Eleanor: Roman! You practically picked him up off the street.
Roman: And then I googled him. His name is Jack Roth. He owns a prominent hedge fund with offices in London and Barcelona. And he finds you very attractive.
Eleanor: Well that's no... excuse. And I am dong just fine without your romantic help.
Roman: Are you? Eleanor, we've been friends for a long time. Before Marc Jacobs went into rehab.
Eleanor: Friends don't steal other friends' husbands.

Blair: Serena is so grateful because she likes to see the best in people. Me? I like to see the truth.

Eleanor: Blair learned scheming from her mother. And unrealistic dreaming from her father.

Jenny: Okay, what now?
Dan: Now you go in there, you distract Dexter the humorless concierge, while I try and sneak this in an elevator.

Dan: Oh, Mrs. van der Woodsen, er, Lilly. Hi!
Lily: Dan. Jenny.
Jenny: Hi.
Lily: Tree.

SCHOOL LIES

On the Upper East Side it's easy to think the world is exactly as it appears. Refined. Elegant. Imposing. But sometimes all it takes is a little key to open the door to the wild side.

Blair: Isn't there someone else you could torture?
Chuck: Probably. But I choose you.

Chuck: Why don't I turn that one piece into a no-piece?
Serena: Find a floaty to talk to, Chuck.

Vanessa: So what will it be, Dan? Cheerios and Chaucer or an illegal party at your prep school school with your high society girlfriend and her nasty cohorts?
Dan: Dad? Vanessa and I are going out.

Dan: Look Blair, I know you had your sights set on Yale but this Skull and Bones thing is a little much, don't you think?

Chuck: Who spayed you, man? Blair doesn't even want you. She's been crystal about that since we got back.
Nate: Didn't seem that way when she kissed me in the pool.

Lily: You miss me. That's great. I miss you too. What? You kissed me at Eleanor's party and then you say you can't see me anymore because your wife came home. And then you call and say you should have never let me go. And then you're back with Allison again.
Rufus: I didn't plan any of that.
Lily: That's just it, Rufus. You don't plan anything.

Blair: You are so naive. Michael Moore over there is obviously just using this film to get close to Dan.

Dan to Serena: Maybe the reason none of you guys take it seriously is because for you, it's not.

Ms. Kweller to Nate: From what I can see, you always seem to be toting the line of mediocrity.

Vanessa: What are you going to do to me, Blair? Blackball me from eating yogurt on the Met steps?

Dan: Wow. You really can be damned if you do and screwed if you don't.

Serena: I would rather be Chuck's stepsister than Dan's.

Vanessa: I know this may come as a shock. But not everyone operates from an agenda. In fact some people do things simply because it's the decent thing to do. Smash it, burn, whatever. There are no copies.
Blair: What about the one you gave to Chuck?
Vanessa: It's blank. Which I'm sure he will be thrilled to discover.

Rufus: You packed light.
Lily: Please try to understand.
Rufus: I think I do. I'm just sorry.
Lily: So am I.

THE THIN LINE BETWEEN CHUCK AND NATE

Gossip Girl: "What's the difference between gossip and scandal?" So glad you asked, UESForever. Anyone can commit a minor indiscretion and generate a day's worth of buzz. But in order to birth a true scandal, it requires the right person to be in the wrong place. Take one It Girl on a pedestal. Add a crowd eager to see her fall. And give them the means to knock her down.

Serena to Blair: Whenever something happens that's not a part of your plan you pretend like it doesn't exist. You act like you're in this movie about your perfect life then I have to remind you the only one watching that movie is you.

Serena: Anybody notice the weather today?
Blair: What?
Serena: Take a look outside, B. My First Response would be that the sky is a Clear Blue Easy.

Serena: I took a public bullet for you, let another rumor about me run rampant. The whole school heard, even Dan.
Eleanor: What's going on?
Serena: Ask Blair. Her version of the story's always better.

Blair: I took the test. I'm not pregnant.
Serena: Oh, I'm so happy. I would have no idea what to wear to a paternity hearing.

Blair: Game over.
Chuck: Game's not over 'til I say it is.
Blair: Then have fun playing with yourself.

Gossip Girl: Looks like the Virgin Queen isn't as pure as she pretended to be. [If Blair Waldorf lied about that what else might she be lying about?] Who's your Daddy, B? Baby Daddy that is? Two guys in one week? Talk about doing the nasty, or should I say, being nasty?

Nate: Did you sleep with her, huh? You son of a bitch, I could kill you.
Chuck: Could we talk about this without your hands around my neck?
Nate: What did you do, did you get what you want like all those other girls?
Chuck: Yes, Nathaniel. I took what Blair kept throwing at you and you kept throwing back.
Nate: Oh, so somehow you screwing Blair for sport is my fault?

Nate: What are you doing here?
Blair: Your mom let me in.
Nate: I didn't ask how you got in, I asked why you came.
Blair: To talk. About us.
Nate: There is no us, Blair.

Blair: You told your low rent boyfriend and he told his social climbing sister who wears my hand me downs and she blabbed to Nate.

Penelope: Blair, given that you can barely manage your own messy affairs surely you're not in a position to tell any where they can and can't eat.
Blair: Do you realize who you're talking to?
Hazel: You mean a self-righteous bitch who always sat on her own high horse judging everyone else?

Serena: Did you tell Jenny about Blair and Chuck?
Dan: No. No, of course not.
Serena: Well you're the only one I told.
Dan: And I didn't tell anybody.
Serena: How can I know that?
Dan: Because I gave you my word. Because I love you.
Serena: What?
Dan: I love you. And not just because I thought you were pregnant. And not the way you like some random guy who picks up your lit paper. Or some girl who likes your hair.
Serena: Okay.
Dan: Okay. The response is not "okay".

Blair: I came to congratulate you in person. You ruined my relationship with Nate, Serena, all of my friends. Even little Jenny thinks she's too good for me. So, Bravo. Just like you wanted. I have no one to turn to but you.
Chuck: Actually, you don't even have me.

Eleanor: You okay?
Blair: I'd be a lot better if I could spend a semester going to school in France.

Dan: You're also completely unaware that you laugh like a four year old.

Serena: You're a Waldorf, remember? People don't tell you who you are. You tell them.

One good scandal deserves another. Wonder who's going down next? Everybody, if B has anything to say about it. You know you love me. XOXO Gossip Girl

THE BLAIR BITCH PROJECT

Gossip Girl : Wakey wakey, Upper East Siders. Spring Break is done and I'm starved for a dish. Were you sunning in Crete or sinning in Croatia? Give me the deets. And has anyone spotted our ex-Queen B? Where does the dethroned royalty vacation these days?

Dorota: Club Bed is over.

Serena; Okay, l et's get one thing straight. Our parents may be insisting on blending our households, but. I am not your sister. I do not share any of your DNA, nor do I ever wish to.
Chuck: Then I suggest you get new hand towels.

Gossip Girl: The French revolution had cake. The American had tea. But it looks like the overthrow of Blair Waldorf, well. Blair get nailed by some yogurt Who said you need a silver spoon to dole out just desserts.

Nate: Well I will give you this. You've got good aim.

Blair: How do you manage to get out of everything unscathed?
Serena: Because I'm nice. You should try it sometime. Um, c'mon, compliment me. Tell me my hair looks beautiful.
Blair: But your hair looks disgusting. Did you even shower?
Serena: B, I say this out of love. But your being a bitch is what got dairy in your hair in the first place.

Lily: Oh, don't put your dirty package on the table.
Chuck: If I had a dime for every time I've heard that.
Bart: That's enough, Chuck.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Blair Waldorf alone at Butter. Humiliated, party of one.

Operator: Information. City and State please.
Blair: Brooklyn. I think it's in New York.

Gossip Girl: Wake up, Little Jenny. The bitch is back.

Chuck: I didn't send Serena that package, and quite frankly her "Violated Virgin Mary" act is getting pretty old.

Decorator: And here's the second choice for the centerpiece.
Lily: Well we could put this one on a mylar tablecloth and pretend it's a Bar Mitzvah.

Lily: Chuck may be eccentric but I doubt he's diabolical.
Bart knows better: What's he done now?

Hazel: Oh my god. That's my mother's dress.
Jenny: No, you guys. I got this at Resurrection. Remember I was telling you about the really great dress I bought?
Penelope: Her mother's one-of-a-kind Valentino that just happened to disappear from her closet.
Jenny: She must have given it away and forgot or something.
Are you calling my daughter a thief?
Blair: Excuse me. This feels private. So I'm gonna head out now. I have a table at Butter. Reservations under Waldorf in case there's an after-party.

Rufus: Blair said they told you the original party had fallen through so that they could surprise you with a better one.
Jenny: Blair's a liar. You got played.

Eric: Chuck is fun, okay? He's cool and he doesn't treat me like some freak that just got out of the Ostroff Center.
Serena: Who treats you like that?
Eric: Uh, guys at St. Jude's, the girls at Constance. Suke, at the Korean deli on 75th street.

Serena: How do you like a brother who treats you like a drug mule?

Serena: What the hell's your problem?
Chuck: Specify the context.

DESPERATELY SEEKING SERENA

Gossip Girl: There are three things we do alone: we are born, we die, and if we're a high school junior headed for college, we take the SATs. And while the test is said to measure our best traits, preparing for it inevitably brings out the worst.

Rufus: You used to beg me to walk you to school. You'd cry if I didn't walk you to class.
Jenny: That wasn't me. That was Dan.
Dan: It's true. But I was six. It was an emotional time for me. It was post-tee ball.

Chuck: She really needs to tone down on the social niceties. It's embarrassing.
Serena: Eventually the two of you are going to have to work out your issues.
Chuck: Issues? I'm issue free. And based on my exhaustive research, so are you.
Serena: Georgina?
Chuck: According to my very reliable sources, Georgina Sparks is nowhere near our fair isle. She's in Switzerland, dating the Prince of Balfour.
Serena: There's a prince of Balfour? And she's dating him? Oh thank god.
Chuck: Now you can enjoy the gifts she mailed you with peace of mind. And maybe Chuck in the room.

Jenny: I've been thinking, what's the one thing that no one in our group has, not even Blair?
Compassion?

Vanessa: Is there a reason you insist on looking so desperate and needy?
Dan: She's been like that since we were kids. Venomous without provocation.
Vanessa: It's better than being a charity case.
Dan: She's rude too.

Serena: Can you help me?
Chuck: Say you need me.
Serena: Chuck!
Chuck: Hearing you scream my name is more than enough.

Hazel: You know what'd be hot? You, us, at G Spa.
Nelly: I don't drink.
Penelope: Saks Fifth.
Nelly: Hate shopping.
Hazel: Yogurt on the steps?
Nelly: Lactose intolerant.

Dan: Alright. "Capacious." Looks like "spacious." What does it mean? Roomy. Ah, yeah... "captious." Look like... well it looks like "capacious". I can't concentrate.
Jenny: The sound of your own voice distracting you?

Jenny: So it's okay for Dan to date someone rich then?
Dan: Well it's not without it's complications, believe me.
Rufus: I thought you said it wasn't a date.
Jenny storms off and slams her door
Rufus: It was nice there for a minute.
Dan: Yeah, it was.

Blair: Hey S. I'm just sipping a Ginkgo Biloba Blend and wondering how your stomach migraine is. Call me so I don't worry.

Nate: Next time your sister's band is in town I want front row seats.
Vanessa: You don't strike me as a Lesbian Punk fan.
Nate: You know I am just offended by how much you underestimate me, Ms. Abrams.
Vanessa: You like punk?
Nate: Oh. I didn't hear you— You said "punk"? Because you had me at "lesbian".

Serena: If I go down, you go down with me. In the meantime, stay out of my life.
Georgina: I don't need anybody in my life that doesn't want to be there.
Serena: Then we're agreed.

Sarah/Georgina: Sorry to disturb you.
Dan: It's fine. I love dogs.
Sarah/Georgina: Really? Do you have any?
Dan: No. Uh, we used to have a cat. But you know—sister. Allergies. Now the cat—Iggy—lives in Florida with my grandma. Ah, he doesn't write. Never calls.

ALL ABOUT MY BROTHER

Gossip Girl: It looks like the battle between the Queen B and Little J has moved from the streets to the blogs. Who's sending this debasing dish? I have a feeling.

Lily: When you revise the seating chart, don't forget to place Mr. Spitzer as far away from Serena's table as possible.

Serena: What's wrong? You look stressed, even for you.
Dan: I'm still worried about Jenny
Blair: You mean because she's self-obsessed, self-serving, self-centered, self-
Dan: No. no. Ah, I wish it was about her— her self.

Lily: If Serena's indiscretions were as PG as Jenny's I wouldn't have needed the Botox.

Iz: I am so glad Gossip Girl finally got her balls back.
Penelope: Yeah, she was totally turning into the new Page Six.

Blair: Cheating, drinking, drugs. It's all fair game. But outing your sister's boyfriend is dark. How did Squeaky Clean Humphrey even come up with that?
Dan: I didn't come up with anything.
Blair: Oh my god. You know something. Spill it.
Dan: Yeah, I might have seen Asher kissing another guy.

Lily: Really Rufus, what were you thinking? You threw her a surprise birthday party and had her face painted on the cake with a tiara?
Rufus: Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Lily: Yeah well so did flannel and acid washed jeans, but they weren't flattering either.

Blair: Whoever said that money doesn't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.

Jenny "the Beard" Humphrey: So what was on Gossip Girl's true.
Asher: Do you really think someone like me would just date someone like you?
Jenny "the Beard" Humphrey: You've been so nice.
Asher: And I'll keep being nice. Nothing has to change, okay?

Dan: Jenny, is this true?
Jenny: It's private.
Dan: It's on the internet.

Serena: Who were you talking to?
Eric: Chuck.
Serena: You called Chuck?
Eric: Yeah, I've been talking to him a lot lately. Guy's got his faults but he's never judged me.

Blair: Watch and learn, Ladies. The most important parties to attend are the ones you're not invited to.

Lily: We make quite the team.
Rufus: Always did.

GG: Don't look so sad, Little J. The sun will come out tomorrow. Even if your boyfriend did today.

Blair: What is it?
Serena: I killed someone.

WOMAN ON THE VERGE

Gossip Girl: In our modern age, when you call someone and can't find them you can be pretty sure they'll get the message. But if they don't call you back, it usually means they don't want to be found.

Chuck: So we have every hangover cure known to man. Plus bagels.

VH1 Guy: Do you think you were able to take incredible photos of Rufus Humphrey because you were in love with him?
Lily: Well I wasn't in love with him... that much.

Dan: seeing Nate at Blair's Hm. Guess I missed a chapter. and Chuck Or... four. Don't all of you hate each other?
Blair: Yes.
Chuck: No.
Nate: Absolutely.
Dan: Well that's fascinating and rife for a psychiatrist's case study somewhere.

Nate: None of us are saints.
Blair: Yeah, I had sex with him in the back of a limo.
Chuck: Several times.
Nate: I had sex with you at a wedding [with Blair as my date]. looks at Chuck Once.
Chuck: I'm Chuck Bass.

Blair: You can tell us anything. We don't judge. We're the non-judging Breakfast Club.

Serena: You all know Georgina Sparks.
Blair: Some of us better than others. to Chuck It's not like you didn't lose your virginity to her in seventh grade.
Chuck: Sixth actually. And I've been avoiding her ever since. The bitch is a psycho.

Serena: I didn't know what to do. I just knew I had to leave right away. I took a train heading North and I got a room and convinced my mom that boarding school was a good idea and—
Blair: Never said goodbye. It makes sense now.

Blair: I say this with all due respect, Lily. But you have no idea what your daughter's been s going through. She's in a lot of pain. And I don't think the pain's going to go away if she goes away.
Lily: I don't understand what you're trying to tell me.
Blair: Serena has a secret. And she's been holding onto it for a long long time.And now it's finally catching up with her. I'm out of my league here. I can't do any more than I've done. And it's not enough. She needs you.
Lily: I saw the video. She needs boundaries.
Blair: What you saw isn't the whole story.

Nate: Hey, I only have a second. I'm on my way to Queens.
Blair: Ugh. Gross. Why?
Nate: To meet Vanessa at a concert.
Blair: It got grosser.

Chuck: What's gotten into you?
Blair: What if I told you I knew where Georgina Sparks was right now?
Chuck: I'd say let's get the bitch.

GG: Spotted: Blair and Chuck reunited to defend Serena's honor. With friends like these who needs armies?

Lily: Sweetie, if I have learned anything in life it is that sometimes things get in your path and you have a choice. You can either smash right into them or you can adjust and move around. But you have to do one or the other in order to move forward.
Serena: How can I do this?
Lily: I'm gonna be right by your side.

Georgina: Hey V. I didn't realize you'd be able to hang during the concert.
Vanessa: Do you have something you want to say to me?
Georgina: Not... that I know of.
Vanessa: You sure about that... Georgina?

Serena: I'm not afraid of you anymore.
Georgina: You should be. 'Cause all bets are off.
Serena: Why? What are you gonna do?
Georgina: It's not what I'm gonna do, Sweetie. It's who i'm gonna do it with.
Serena: No. I know Dan. He's too good.
Georgina: You sure about that?

GG: If I were you, S., I'd be worried. In the city that never sleeps a lot can happen in one night. Sweet dreams, Serena. —XOXO Gossip Girl.

Season Finale :

MUCH "I DO" ABOUT NOTHING

Season Two of Gossip Girl will start Fall 2008

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