Thanks to Candie for helping out with quotes this season.

SEASON 5 QUOTES

JOE U. : THE PROPOSAL

Ted: What straight man would ever paint a room this color, Thom?

Jai to Kyan: Make sweet, sweet love to me down by the fire.
Kyan: Oh, my God... You're scaring me!

Carson in Joe's closet: Oh, toasted pumpkin...that was a BIG color back in '74!
Joe: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Hey, I just got that! I gotta lot of compliments on that!
Carson: You did? From people with German shepherds and canes?

Ted about the motorcycle plaque: Hey Joe. Nice engagement ring! I like that. That's really nice.

Thom: Just when you thought it couldn't get any more depressing Ted. He's got plastic utensils in plastic cups.
Ted: Yeah.

Scott about sailing: This is a lot of work for Laura.
Joe: She ain't gonna want to do this.
Kyan and Jai: She's already doing this!

Mr. Uva: What did you do to my baby?
Carson: Well that's a different story. That's an after-school special.

Thom: An Italian mother should always be in the dining room...or the kitchen!

Thom: I would've totally done it over the phone because I wouldn't want to get beat up by her father.
Carson: I would've sent an email.

Thom: It's a place for your daughter to live—if she says "yes"!
Carson: Sometimes no is just a slow yes.

Carson about the flowers: This will be a test of which guy's gay.

Thom: Wouldn't it be funny if she fell in love with the messenger?
Carson: Don't shoot on the messenger. My next film.

Carson: I think you're supposed to ask before you put the ring on. But that's a good way of getting a yes.

JOE U. : THE WEDDING

Ted: It's St. Bart's Church. I think Carson should go in—
Thom: Carson, you go in first and if it doesn't burn down, we'll come in after you!

Carson about the engraved pillar: Vandalism used to be so elegant, you know?

Ted: That's one hell of a halibut!
Thom: My God, I'm gonna have to have my stomach pumped!

Carson: Now this lady looks like she has a penis. Oh that's not the bride. That's the groom. You can design for 'em but you can't pick 'em.

Carson: Bridemaid sounds so antiquated, don't you think? How about bridepeeps?

Carson (?): Think you're gonna have kids?
Joe: Yeah...
Carson: If you're going to have children may I suggest the name Carson. It works for a boy or a girl. My parents weren't even sure for the first few years.

Carson: Whether you're a gay couple or a straight couple, being in love should be honored and shared.

Kyan: Kill two birds with one stone. Keep your eye cream in the refrigerator. sticks his tongue on the side (and gets stuck). Ow!

Ted: Wow. The bride's getting plastered. Okay.

CHRISTIAN H.

Thom: That's the only person you can get to eat your cooking.
Ted: Ohhh, that's not true!

Jai: You've got to be kidding me. Are you— Ow!

Ted: You're the lord of a very wee grill.

Carson: Peanut butter, dog's best friend! while dog licks his face. Oh, Stanley!
Carson: These dogs love me.
Ted: That's because you have the same basic IQ level.

Carson: And the whole thing is we're going to try to find things that are kind of "off the rack". Even the food.
Ted: Except the pig, which you're going to have to slaughter and roast.
Christian: Sweet. I can do that.
Carson: You have to spay and neuter it first though.

Carson: The groom is having a bit of butterflies. Either that or he was up all night on quaaludes.

Seth: There's a wall that Suzanne and one of her friends tried to redo.
Friend: We figured we'd take down the wallpaper in the TV room.
Seth: It looks like something out of Cops.
Friend: Ripped it. And it took everything down to the sheetrock.

Thom's at the chalkboard, drawing a diagram of the food tables like it's a football scrimmage
Ted: These are "endive".
Thom: Gay people say "on-deev". Everyone ELSE says "END-eev".
Ted: When we put these carrots around here...Thom, why are we doing that? Back to you... Thom!
Thom: Because they bring color into the platter and they're also edible because they're FOOD! (mugs for camera)

Kyan: We all brought our pets!
Ted: Well I brought my fish Nobu.
Thom: I should have brought my chopsticks.

Thom: Wow. There seems to be some controversy in the food styling area.

Dad: Do you think Seth thinks he's going to win an Academy Award for this?

Carson about Suzanne's reaction to the surprise wedding: We may have done a very bad thing.

DAVID P.

Carson: Oy. I'm gonna be your little goy toy.

Thom: Ted, can you hear us?
Ted with the papasan frame to his ear: What?!?
Kyan: We need to change your bag, Ted!

Carson: Life in the Pen is so hard.
Ted: Are they treating you alright?
Carson: I have to wear orange all the time.

Thom: This is a family heirloom right here. See, you know how you can tell this is a good piece right here by the staple.

Carson: I have one little tip for you: don't buy your home decor at Long John Silver's anymore.

Carson: I'm gonna go dump his clothes off in an undisclosed landfill.

Thom: I hope she wears these to his mother's house, that's probably why she doesn't like her
I didn't tell you it was decorated by mental patients?

RYAN M.

Ted: Kyan, it's like an antebellum Southern toilet paper cozy. Kyan attacks him with a random spray bottle

Carson: Now Kristen's gonna be involved but at least she won't be there, so you know, what happens on your lap stays on your lap.

Kyan: We want you to know, dude, you're gonna have food, you're gonna have booze, you're gonna have cigars, you're gonna have strippers, they're gonna be male strippers but you're gonna have strippers.

Kristen: Just to get my nerves under control, I'm gonna be bouncing out of this cake, right? There's gonna be just, like, his friends around. There's not gonna be over random people at this—?
Jai: No no. How many seats are there in the Garden?
Carson: I think Nassau Coliseum holds 50,000.

Carson: Something about looking like Shirley Temple is not hot to me.
Kyan: Oh really? Have you looked in the mirror yet, Shirley?

Carson: It's like a drunken Blair Witch Project.
Kyan: I'm exhausted watching this.
Carson: Okay, these are firemen and they can't find their way around.
Jai: This is very, like, drunken Amazing Race.

MOOSE LODGE

Ted: These guys just don't get together and get drunk...they raise funds for children.
Thom:  They get drunk for a reason.
Ted: They're drunks with heart.

Carson:  Nice to meet you, Ron—
Kyan:  Oh, I'm gonna tell you now—you better watch out for him

Thom: Who are all these people?  Looks like a lot of tax evasions going on around here.

Ted in the lodge's red jacket: Congratulations. You're Century 21's top seller of the month for Dayton, Ohio.

Carson: I'm gonna try and get new members. sticks his head out the door Hey! They've got a bar in here.

MICHAEL B.

Carson: You Bacon people are very young-looking. You've got good genes. On both sides.
Kevin: I'd love to tell you it's clean living. But it's not.
Mom: On both sides.

Michael: Now one thing, it's very moving to me that you valued our art. I get the feeling that if I walked into this place, that this is somebody who really cares about these paintings. Because it's true.
Carson: Now don't be made us. These are actually color Xeroxes. We sold the originals.
Thom: To pay for this.

Ted: Alright Carson. Get all those bacon jokes out of your system.
Carson: I am. I'm purging myself of all pork products.

Kyan about Ted's complex recipe: You're a real asshole, Ted.

Thom: They have a really great relationship. I think that could also be the magic of boarding school.

Carson: Actually that's not even a meat grinder. That's a carburetor from a '56 Impala.

CARLOS F.