SEASON FOUR QUOTES

RED SOX

Kyan on a strand of Johnny Damon's hair: I could sell this on eBay for like a thousand dollars, probably.

Player: And when I hold the ball I have to hold it with my fingernails.
Carson: In my line of work they get mad when you hold the ball with your fingernails.
Ted: I bet you guys never make ball jokes, do you.

Kyan: Is there huge pressure to sort of pull it off next year or is it kind of like, "Okay, we did it."?
Thom: It's like, "We've got 86 more years!"

Ted boxing up the donuts: We should really get some pink ones in there for the gay children.
Michelle: Yeah. Maybe two, 'cause there might be more than one.
Ted: Make it two, there might be two little gay kids.

Carson surveying the damage to the concession stand: The bathroom. That's crucial! You need a place to fix your hair.

Kid: They got me a size 5-1/2 and I'm a size 6.
Carson: Let me see if I can find something your size. May I show you a sensible pump as well?

Carson: Oh my gosh. Am I the Size Whisperer? Perfect fit!

Ted: So Jason you flew all the way here in a helicopter to get your back waxed.
Thom: That's really gay.

Thom: Don't forget, crudité is very important before a baseball game!

Carson: Do we know what the signals are?
Kids: No!
Carson: One tzujz: we bunt. Second tzujz: we steal. A flip of the hair: is just me fixing my hair. Disregard it!

PAOLO P.

Kyan: Are you exhausted?
Sylvia: I'm very exhausted.
Kyan: Having five kids will do it to you, right? I have four of 'em and I'm exhausted.

Thom: Are these two washers and one dryer?
Paolo: That's two dryers and one— actually two washers and one dryer.
Thom: You've definitely not done laundry before. He's like, "Those are two microwaves, and this is the oven."

Ted as one toddler pushes another away from a toy car: Uh oh. There's a carjacking in progress.

Ted in Williams-Sonoma: C'mon. Let's go play with some stemware or something!

Jai taking a quarter out of the fountain: I don't know why people throw good money away, They're so—
Ted interrupting: Jai. Jai. Jai. Jai. That's for charity. Jai, put the quarter back.
Jai: It's for charity?
Ted: Yeah. Put the quarter back.

Carson putting on a smock: Oh look. I look like a gay dentist.

Carson: We gotta smock and roll.

Ted feeding Paolo fruit: Here. I've never fed fruit to a large Italian man before.

Paolo: I just wanted to tell you guys that you can stop by and babysit anytime you want.
Jai: This is a one-time deal.

Thom: Look! Daddy's making a grease fire for mom!

HECTOR D.

Jai: See. This is how you know you're in Long Island. Look how many colognes he has.

Carson: I think this porcelain hobo is masturbating.

Hector: They just broke the chandelier in there.
Ted: Is that bad?
Andrea: No. That's great.
Hector: That guy Thom is like a walking disaster.

Carson to Andrea: Kiss him goodbye. We're gonna miss you like carbs.

Carson about shoe shopping: All of the sudden I feel like Al Bundy or something.

Kyan on Hector Sr.'s golf swing: Hector, you suck as bad as I do!

Carson on the new shoes: It's like Christmas! But without all the liquor!

Ted on a bike: Exercise is hard. Seriously. takes a sip of champagne

Ted: He can actually gift wrap.
Kyan: You guys, they do a lot of gift wrapping in the Marines.
Carson: It's part of their corps training.

Carson: You know what? If you drop all your Rs you'll sound like you're from Long Island. Spectaculah!

PATRICK D.

Thom pulling out a filigreed decorative piece: Things a straight guy doesn't want to own. This is a book I'm writing.

Thom: This is the computer station. I'm loving it. I'm sure this is just a porn receptacle.

Sheila: I learned my Italian cooking from the men on Coney Island.
Carson: Wait 'til you hear what I learned from the men on Coney Island.

Carson carrying an antiquated monitor: He has really got to get a new laptop. This thing is so heavy.

Dave: Now what we're going to do is we're going to scale the fish. We're just gonna scrape it up nice.
Ted: So, Dave, would you say that you're exfoliating the fish, basically?
Dave: If that's what you want to call it, yes.

Ted: It's not everyday that you cook with a hammer.
Patrick: And nails.

Carson to Ted: Oh don't you look nice and cute.
Ted: And you look cute in suede.
Carson: Thank you. It's the new beige.

Kyan: What is it with you and sea creatures?
Ted: I hate sea creatures.
Thom: If it swims in the ocean Ted wants to kill it.

Carson: They just did the straight guy hug.
Carson and Ted hug and—in unison: I'm not gay.

JIM J.

Carson singing: Jim Joseph Jingleheimer Frizz. His hair is really damaged!

Carson: That's not a dust bunny. That's like a dust cat.

Carson: I'm having a total fashion emergency right now. Hello! The refrigerator is stuck to my belt.

Carson about some cat photos: It's kitty porn! I found kitty porn!

Jim: When I'm left to my own devices it's like, I won't clean up after myself.
Thom: I noticed. I noticed that.
Jim: I'll leave things out to that extent.
Thom: I don't know if the other guys noticed, but I noticed that.

Jai: The gays are very sneaky.

Kyan pointing at Carson: That is what happens when ADHD goes undiagnosed. Right there.

This episode's quotes will be temporarily suspended as I fast forward through the lobster scene. That's just not right.

Kyan: What's up with the lemon on the board, Ted?
Ted: He's using lemon to get the fish—
Kyan: You mean the smell of death off the board, Ted! Is that what you mean?!
Ted: Yes.

Thom: He's kinda freaking me out, the way he's talking. It's like baby talk.
Kyan: He's slipped into baby mode, right?

Carson about the girlfriend: Is it cold in here or is it just you?

JAMES B.

Carson: Sometimes his mom finds him nude at home so they devised a plan that when she drives up to the house she honks the car horn a couple times. Let's remember to honk the horn.
Ted: Loudly.
Carson: Start honking now.

Kyan about the basement: You know what, this feels kind of like, um, where he keeps the bodies.

Thom: I don't think I'm going to be able to really do much to this room. I feel like your butt's been on everything.

Ted and Carson discover a basket of shells
Ted: I'll call you on your shell phone.
Carson: Hold on. My shell's not working so well. Call me on my clam line.

Jim: I enjoy it because that's who I am. Some people are going to like the way you live your life, some people aren't.
Kyan: Trust me, I know that one.

Ted: We thought that tonight for the party you should mix some special drinks for your guests. We've come up with a few that might broaden your little rum repertoire just a little bit.
Jim: Cool.
Ted: So the first one we're going to do is called a Mojito Martini.
Jai gasps: That's from my [hometown].
Ted: Jai is Puerto Rican when it's convenient. And he's Italian when it's convenient.

Kyan: Remember tonight I want you to put on your glamour gloves.
Thom: Did you just say "glamour gloves"?
Ted imitating Kyan: "Dude, you gotta put on your glamour gloves, Bro."

Ted: He's putting on a garment, which I think is a positive development.
Carson: It's a rubber garment, though.

Ted: Will you stop talking about being nude all the time!
Jai: I'm thinking we really made a bigger problem.

Carson about Jim's friend: He just dissed my shoes.
Ted: He did.
Carson: This is coming from the human penguin.

Thom: You know what? I'm all for everybody can do whatever they want do as long as they don't hurt anybody. But I'm a little hurt.

LEE F.

Carson: What alarms me is that your sweater matches your wall color.

Kyan: I have a question. When you guys are up here do you ever say, "Wow, that's really dusty. I oughta dust that."?
Junior: Yeah, sometimes.
Kyan: You're lying to me.

Kyan pulling out Elaine's slinky evening gown: You can get into this number, huh? Nice work, mama.

Carson about Michael's outfit: It's not like I put him in a pink leotard or something.
Lee: You might as well have.

Jai and kids chanting: I wanna see the house! I wanna see the house!
Ted to the camera: I wanna see the house, too.

GARY K.

Kyan: Have you ever had five gay men ransack your house and rummage through everything?
Robin: No, but it's fun.

Ted: So you guys entertain a lot?
Robin: Yes.
Boomer: Yes, they do.
Ted: And you cook a lot?
Robin: Yes.
Boomer: This is what Long Island moms do.
Robin: Actually, Long Island moms cater. I cook.

Carson: So let's talk about suits.
Gary: I've always been partial to the navies.
Carson: I've always been partial to the Air Force. I don't know why.

Ted about the cabinet fronts: I just have to say that this is some wicked wickah.

Carson: We should think about what we want to wear for this big celebration.
Jai: Celebration?
Carson: Look, it's Kool without his gang.

Ted calling in the boys: Hey, Thom, Carson, Kyan... the other guy. Whoever that is.

Gary: Next time I'm watching cartoons with the kids and they ask me who my favorite Super Friend is, I think I'm gonna tell them that not all super heroes wear cape and tights. That some of them wear lavender couture[?].

MICHAEL L.

Thom: So I'm redoing a trailer?
Carson: You're redoing a trailer.
Thom: Yes!

Jai: Holy Mother of... Eek.

Ted: I think we should swing together. It's always more fun.
Thom: It's perfect if there's three people to swing.
Angel: And... no it's only... two.
Ted: Two's fine.
Kyan: Two can swing and one can watch, I think is always good.
Ted: Okay. That sounds like fun.
Thom: I'll photograph.

Jai about Carson: One word you're gonna need to know in the English language when you're around him: No!

Carson: We're gonna pimp your head.

PAT M.

Thom: God Bless America, that's an ugly tie.

Thom: Oh my god. Were you a pimp at one point in your life?

Kyan: Ted, what in god's name are you doing with a glass of wine?
Ted: Well you know I just thought the ambience in here is terrible, but at least I oughta have a beverage.
Kyan: Okay, you are now a bigger lush than Thom Filicia.

Ted: This gives me so much energy I wanna punch Kyan.
Kyan petting Ted's hair: Really? Violence is physical activity from you?

Kyan: My name is Professor Kyan Douglas. With one S.

Student: How do you know if you have jock itch?
Kyan: If you have jock itch, you'll know it. Basically, first of all, it'll itch. But it's a fungus, so it'll look red, it'll be swollen, and be itchy [...] If it burns when you pee, that's another story.

Carson: A coach taking his pants off at school kinda freaks me out.

DANNY K.

Danny: They both have pink in them.
Carson: They do both have pink in them. Very keen. You sank my battleship.