SEASON THREE QUOTES

RAY S.

Carson: You should get that thing so that babies don't stick thing in electrical outlets. My parents never got those.

Carson: Oo, I'm getting an apartment complex!

Ted: Filicia, we've got some bad fashion in sector 12.
Thom: There's no fashion in the kitchen, moron.
Ted: There is when I'm in the kitchen.

Ray: It's not a very good laptop.
Carson: No, it's like an Etch-a-Sketch!

Kyan: Here. shoving a Life game at Jai. Get a life.

BRIAN M.

Ted: We've never made over the lord of darkness before.

Carson: From playing the field to sealing the deal. We should get pom-poms, too.

Carson: Here's the plaid collection. All alphabetized. Heinous, more heinous, and super-heinous.

Ted to a daughter: I know. Cover your eyes. Don't look. That's a parent's undergarments.

Carson: You just want to keep around a pair of old socks because if you start to fall asleep—sniffs socks—it wakes you right up.

Carson: On the Jumbotron it will say, "Will you marry me, Raquel?"
Brian: Rachel.
Carson: Yeah, I know, but in case she doesn't say, "yes," you can say, "No no no, that wasn't me."

Thom about the food tray: Come on kids! Everyone gather around for some botchulism!

Kyan: I usually try to avoid hair care products that smell like bubblegum.
Brian: Really?
Kyan: Yeah.

Thom about furniture: That might be an industry or a gay thing to say: it's an occasional.

Carson: You're giving me Ryan O'Neill in Love Story right now. Do I look a little like Allie McGraw?

Fragance Guy: How does lavender sound? It's a bit citrus-y, with a nice base of amber.
Kyan: Sounds like a stripper.

Ted: ...and Jai is going to top that with a little chipotle buffalo sauce.
Jai: As I'm known to do.

Carson about the meat thermometer: It's going to beep and vibrate when it's getting close? Are you kidding me? Where do I get this?

SIMON B. : LONDON

Ted: Former 80s pop star. Did quite well in London, actually. But look at him. He looks like Simply Red.
Thom: He looks simply tragic.

Carson: I've never done a British guy before.
Thom: Somehow, I think you have.

Carson: God, you look a little bit like—
Ted: Cyndi Lauper!
Carson: Cyndi Lauper. Or, uh—
Simon: Kenny G.!
Ted: Is that better?

Carson hearing a breaking vase in the background: Sorry about your, ah—
Ted: Everything.

Thom: Mirror, mirror, on the wall. You're the ugliest mirror of them all.

Thom: You see. I'm bringing people together with decorating.

Carson about the bad hair: Actually, who did this?
Simon: Somebody did this about a year ago.
Graham Norton: Were they licensed?

DARIN D. : LONDON

Ted holding six bottles of hot sauce: Look, Thom. I think hot sauce was on sale!

Ted peeking into a little closet under the stairs: Thom, look! I found Harry Potter's room!

Kyan: Julie is addicted to thermal styling. You have a thermal styling addiction.

Thom holding the door shut to keep Ted inside the little closet: Ted, you've been in the closet for your whole life, just relax!

Darin: I usually end up cooking three different things. They're all chicken dishes: Mushroom Chicken, Tangy Chicken and Chicken Delish.
Ted: Chicken Delish? What's in Chicken Delish?
Darin: Mushroom soup, chicken soup, chicken and... cheese.
Ted awkward pause: Ooh.

Ted about a furry ottoman: This is kind of fun. It's like Carson's hair. Except soft. Not brittle.

Ted about the cheese: How do you feel about mold?
Darin: Sure. I guess.
Ted: Usually when we do this the mold is found in the straight guy's house.

Carson: Let's start spending it like Beckham!

Carson: In the words of Joey Lawrence, "Woah!"

Ted about the cheese selections: You'll recognize these guys. You might recognize the aroma. Smells like feet.

Kyan: We put the tail in "detail."

Thom: Why did you mess the bed up?
Jai: Because he had to make it for Julie. He learned how to make hospital corners.
Carson: That's a mental-hospital corner.

Carson: I thought if he answered the door only in high-heeled shoes and a smile, it'd be a really memorable afternoon.

Jai: This is a little sandwich.
Thom: Oh my God, it looks like he made it with a lawnmower.

Ted: He's packing the picnic—
Carson: He's packin' a nice basket

Thom: He has not written the clues out yet and she's at the door.
Ted: He's currently clueless.

Ted: This is the room where all the minty action happens.

Hip Tips:
Ted: More tea, your Majesty?
Queen Elizabeth: Aren't you the queen?

BRUD L.

Carson: He kinda has a hee haw-chic thing going on.

Kyan: We need to get this dude a new 'do, dude.
Thom: Dude.
Ted: Dude.
Carson: Dude!
Thom: Yeah, dude!
Jai, Ted and Kyan: Duuude.

Carson: Our people have been here, Brud. They've left Fairy Dust everywhere.

Carson: It's Hanson and Charles Manson.

Ted: I think he's trying to poison us, Jai.

As Thom walks around in a pseudo dynamite belt.
Ted: I don't know if you should go outside in this.

Carson: Reaffirmation to your commitment to one another. That sounds so gay.

Kyan: I can't believe a straight guy just made his own facial mask.
Ted: And the leftover mask would make a great smoothie.

Ted: Even the bikers are tearing up!

MICHAEL S.

Carson: Look, it's sprockets. Would you like to touch my monkey?

Thom: Carson! Does this saxophone make my ass look big?

Ted: So you have an assault rifle? Okay, I'll be going now.

Carson: This guy obviously thinks that black is the new black.

Thom: That's real ugly. And I wrote a song about it. Would you like to hear it, here it goes—
Kyan: No.
Thom singing: —That old chest of drawers is so ugly. Looks like a hooker picked it out.

Thom: This lamp commemorates the Year of the Electrical Fire.

Thom: This is very, sorta like, Unabomber.
Ted: I know. We're gonna attack in Sector Four.

Michael: How am I gonna cook for 50 people? Am I a Navy shop or something?

Carson to Michael: You feel like a jackass? Maybe it's because you are a jackass.

Carson about the new decor: Do you like it Mikey? He likes it! He really likes it!

Carson about the new look: Do you feel confident and sexy?
Michael: No.
Carson throwing the couture and storming out: I DON'T CARE!

Carson: I can't wait to see some hot biker action!

Kyan about the hummus prep: I think he's going to the dark place.

Kyan about the couture: He's going to that dark place again.

Ted: It's gonna be a bitch to carry that hummus on a motorcycle, I gotta say.

Carson: They're agog!

ALEX M.

Kyan: I feel so bad for him, because the brothers are identical twins and he's fraternal.
Ted: I feel bad for the brothers because they're named Aristotle and Socrates.

Thom: He has no connections at all.
Carson: He's going to have to sleep with someone important.
Thom: Immediately! If not sooner.

Carson: It's very Transformer. I'm going to show you the power of accessories to transform.

Thom: It almost looks like you guys are running from the law.

Thom: You could take a bus from the sofa to the television.

Carson: When you go for casting you can't be like that. You have to own the world. Even if you have to charge it.

Carson: You look like a million Drachmas.

Carson: It's hot Thespian-on-Thespian action!

Carson: He is sweating like a whore in church.
Thom: Is he sweating or is he crying?

JOHN D.

Thom: It is really great to be back in Staton Island! Everyone, lock your doors.

Kyan: How much can you know from a person through a webcam?
Carson: Actually...

Ted: This was on the toilet. It should not be on the toilet. It should be in the toilet. throws banana And now it is.

Ted: This is possibly the straightest guy who ever lived.

Ted: Noooo! mock crying White Zinfandel...

Ted: Oh look! Light beer! Why do guys drink light beer? I guess because they want to drink 57 of them.

John about his physique: This is mostly beer.
Ted: Well party on, John.

Carson about the Hawaiian shirt: Exhibit UGLY, okay?

Thom: Look at this lamp. I'm loving this. We should have like a code. So if you don't like her it's down, and if you like her it's up, and if you really like her you take the hat off. And then if you decide that instead of liking her, you like men, you can just put this hat on.

Thom about the Turkish wrestling book: I'm thinking we can have one next to your bed, and one next to your toilet.
John: I think it would look better next to your bed and Carson's toilet.

Kyan: You know what the irony is? I think your haircut before was very gay. It took a gay guy to fix that.

Ted: So if anybody asks—
John: It's not because I'm a cheap bastard, it's because I'm ahead of my time.
Ted: No. I mean you might be a cheap bastard, but it's not because of this.
John: Fair enough.

Carson: Let's have a three-martini playdate. C'mon!

Jai: You know what? Jai stands up indignantly Some nice thoughtful gifts and she sneered at them!

She takes a bite
Ted: Don't you piss me off!

Jai: I wanted to say she's sassy, but at this point she's just pessimistic.

Thom: Notice he hasn't introduced Emily to anybody. He's smart. Smart man.
Ted: I think he's figured out that Emily is a liability.

The Boss: Not bad.
Carson: Not bad?
The Boss: Coming from my age group, not bad.
Carson: Okay, lay off the hot dogs and let us know in a week.

Thom: He should be like, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have good news and I have Emily!"

KORD S.

Jai: Marina and Kord.
Carson: That's very Port Charles.

Carson: It's like a sporting goods store threw up in your closet.

Jai to Kyan: You're sexy. You're one sexy bitch.

Thom: Do you think he owns a pre-fabricated Irish castle somewhere in America?

Ted as Carson attempts a ribbon routine: Mr. Kressley is going for the gold in rhythmic gymnastics.
Kord: Amazing presentation and dexterity.

Ted: This is a beautiful fabric. It's actually made of an, um, outdoor picnic table tablecloth.

Kyan playing with a cigar cutter: For "cigars."
Jai: Or emergency circumsions.

Dr.: March in place.
Kyan: I can see you at the Gay Pride parade right now.
Kord: We're here, we're...
Kyan: Get used to it.

Butcher about the sausage casing: This is a hard casing.
Ted: They used to make condoms out of this stuff. But I don't think they do that anymore.
Butcher: I had a feeling that was coming.

Ted: Nothing says "I love you" like sausage.

Carson: She's getting all Paris Hilton on us: "That's hot."

Ted: Hi, are you the pitcher?
Carson: No, I'm the catcher.
Ted: Are you the thrower-of-the-ball guy?

CAMERON A. : UNT
With thanks in part to Kristen

Ted: Is it weird to think of women as bait? No, of course not.

Carson: Wow, it's warm in here, we should all take our shirts off! Go ahead, everybody, start taking your shirts off!

Carson: holding a pool cue Show me how you stroke it. stands in front of a frat boy Now grab onto my stick.

Thom: Nothing really smells bad.
Ted: looking into the fridge That's 'cause there's nothing in here.

Kyan: Where's the porn?

Thom: opening the fridge Ted! Oh my God, get out of there!
Ted: climbing out of the fridge Guess who's coming to dinner.

Thom: You guys, come shower with us! Didn't you ever want to shower with another man?

Thom: You wore this to poker night. I bet you didn't poke 'er.

Carson: If I was a pledgee and I came in here and saw this place I'd think it was a women's correctional facility. And I'd so be running to the nearest fraternity that had comfortable leather furniture.

Thom: Remember this: Sorority girls love wood.

Carson: Everyone can style each other tonight and it'll be really a lot of fun. Actually it'll be like fantasy number three.

Thom: Oh my god, did we turn them into Sorority sisters?

Thom: I think Tyler's become like the grooming guru.
Kyan: I think he's become like, the Kyan-in-training.

Kyan: Look at them. They're not worthy. That's really cool.

JOE H. : Dallas

Ted about some leftover pizza: Is this part of a low-carb low-cal diet?
Penny: It's not that old.
Ted: This is just aged. Bring in the carbon dater!

Thom finding a bra: This an "over-the-shoulder boulder holder," as far as I'm concerned.

Thom: What happened on these chairs?
Penny: I honestly don't know.
Ted: Was somebody murdered here?

Thom: And the fish... can we kill it? It looks like just a cesspool of filth.

Thom: This a coffee table. Do you like it?
Joe: Yeah.
Thom: You can put a lot of storage in there. Or if you want I can line it with glass and we can put the fish in there.

Ted about some fresh produce: Behold! This is what it looks like before they put it in the can.

Kyan: I've never had a haircut with a straight guy before.
Joe: Oh. I've never had a haircut with...
Kyan: ...a gay guy before.
Joe: Right.
Kyan: So there you go.

Carson: Isn't someone missing?
Thom pops out of the coffee table

Carson: Thank god you didn't teach him to do origami.
Ted: Or surgery. Or baby massage.
All: Ohhh!

Ted: I hate that they have to waste time on the food!

Dad: I've been working with the federal government for the last 20 years.
Ted: That's where you were. You're a spy!

SOTT B. : Dallas

Carson: The double-wing chair crib is sensational.

Ted: Not only is your sofa sticky, but you can smell it. Furniture shouldn't have a smell.

Jai: I have a question. You really live here? This is not a joke?

Ted about the last occupants: So this deep fat fryer has their grease in it?
Scott: I'll be damned. I didn't know that was in there.

Scott: It's a lot like equestrian figure skating.
Ted: I thank you for putting that in terms I can understand.

Kyan: The gays wear chaps too, but it's a very different thing.

Scott seeing Carson in the coin pond: You know they've got laws against this.

Ray about the meat rub: As we like to say, we apply it like a Democrat: liberally.

Carson: Ted's always trying to get strangers to rub his meat. It's just ridiculous.

Ted: Beers, steers, and here's the queers!

Carson: He's also not wearing the shirt I told him to wear. He's so dissing me right now!

Carson: Look, he's braiding raffia!
Ted: He's a regular florist.
Carson: He's a raffia whisperer.
Ted: He's eating the raffia.
Carson: Don't eat the raffia!

Carson: I love Tinker and Bucky. I wanna move in with them.