Quotes from The OC

Season Three

THE AFTERMATH

Lawyer Guy: ...Then you won't mind if I record this deposition.
Seth: Sure record it. Release it on iTunes. I hope it's a really big hit.
Sandy: Just answer the questions.

Julie to Mr. Frankel: Let's play hot/cold, hm? Two million. Seven million. I have at least three million coming from my pre-nup. You blinked! Does one blink mean yes?

Summer: Mr. Cooper has a nice boat.
Seth: Yeah. It's amazing what laundered money can buy.

Seth: Hey, knock it off. Listen, you've got to get your mind off of everything. Who wants to go fishing?
Summer: Yeah, you guys do the hunting, we'll do the gathering.
Ryan: I like that idea, but we don't have any bait.
Seth: Aw... wait, no. We have Summer.

Summer: Thanks for almost getting my bathing suit wet, Cohen.
Seth: My pleasure.
Ryan imitating Summer: Cohen. I can't believe that you did that, Cohen.

Seth: Hoodie, wifebeater, leather jacket. It's the Ryan Atwood Escapist Ensemble.

Jimmy: I'm trying to protect my family, too.
Sandy: Right. Because family means so much to you.
Jimmy: What's that supposed to mean?
Sandy: That means what are you doing back in Newport? Caleb dies. Boom. Suddenly you show up.

Ryan: What happened?
Sandy: You have a hell of a girlfriend. And if you two get married you'll have a hell of a mother-in-law. But you're free.

THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME

Sandy: She kept this place in tip top shape without so much as picking up a sponge.
Ryan: Yeah. How did she do that?
Seth: Her presence kept us neat, Ryan, It's her Protestant evil eye. It's a powerful thing.
Sandy: She's a woman of many talents.

Sandy: Jimmy couldn't make it?
Julie: He's working. Business associate from Hawaii showed up.
Sandy: Ah, just as well. One Montague, one Capulet. That should be plenty.

Sandy about the Seth Cohen Starter Pack: Rehab Edition: Our son has a very strange take on self-help.

Seth: We thought you could use some breakfast. We've got bagels. And a support group (cue Captain Oats and Princess Sparkle).
Summer: Captain Oats is a really good listener. Princess Sparkle, she just stands there and looks cute.

Summer: She's Taylor Townsend. She's like the Karl Rove of our school.
Seth: So, you can take Karl Rove— You know who Karl Rove is?
Summer: Yeah, my step-mom sometimes naps in front of CNN. I hear things as I'm dragging her off to bed.

Dean Hess : You almost killed another kid. I don't even hear a hint of remorse in your voice.
Marissa: Because I don't have any. I'm proud of what I did and I'd do it again.

THE END OF INNOCENCE

Sandy: Is there anything I need to know?
Jimmy: No no I mean. No, are you kidding, everything's fantastic. I just wanted to give my fiancée a little peace of mind.
Sandy: Well anything for the soon-to-be Mrs. Cooper-Nichol-Cooper.

Seth: Is it my fault that most of our half-baked adolesent schemes goes hopelessly awry and my dad has to bail us out?
Ryan: Uh, usually, yeah.

Summer: You can't leave. I won't let you.
Marissa: I know.
Summer: No, I really mean I won't let you. I'll restrain you if I have to. You may be tall, but I am wiry and I have Ryan on my side.

Ryan: You and I are both here because someone gave us a break. Now Marissa needs one.
Sandy: Well, I think having Kirsten gone is making me all sentimental. Or maybe my brain is fried from doing all these real estate deals. Your plan poses a myriad of obstacles.
Ryan: Anything you can do. Thank you.

Julie upon seeing Kirsten: God, maybe I should check myself into rehab.

Lawyer: Caleb Nichol was a very generous man who loved his family very much.
Julie: Sandy gave a very nice eulogy at the funeral so let's just skip the niceties, okay?

Marissa: Dad, I don't know what kind of trouble you're in, but if you have to go, go. But if you do, don't come back.

Kirsten: I'm home.

THE LAST WALTZ

Summer: You know I always thought that social chair was a ceremonial position. Like Rose Bowl Queen or President.

Marissa: Thanks. I really don't know why she's got it in for me.
Casey: My guess is it's the bag. And the shoes. And the Chanel necklace probably isn't helping either, but it's just a guess. Anyways, welcome to Newport Union. I'm Casey.
Marissa: Marissa. Cooper. You're the first nice person I actually met.
Casey: And I'm not even that nice.

Marissa: Mom, Caleb was broke. It makes sense that we'd have to sell everything. You know, you don't have to protect me.
Julie: Well then do you think it would be alright with Summer if you stayed until we got back on our feet? And we will get back on our feet and we'll be wearing very expensive shoes when we do.

Taylor: Summer!
Summer: No. Just so you know, you and your friend the dean may have won this round, but the war is not over.
Taylor: Well unless you have an exit strategy, don't even get out of the boat. I am a human quagmire. Storms off.
Summer to a passing student: What's a quagmire? Hello! Anyone? Quagmire?

Seth about Ryan and Marissa: Well, that is a pickle.
Ryan: That's it? No advice?
Seth: What advice? Call her, apologize. It's not rocket science. Man. You home school kids are pathetic.

Taylor: Hi everybody! Everyone, hi. I'm Taylor Townsend, your social chair. And I would like to thank you all for coming.
Seth: Relax. She's not taking credit for it.
Taylor: Thank you. So this dance has been my baby now for quite awhile.
Seth: Okay, she's taking credit for it.
Summer: I am going to kill her.

Ryan: Seth what are you doing here?
Seth to Ryan: I'm here to stop you man. And if that means throwing myself between you and the gym, I only ask that you spare the face.

THE PERFECT STORM

Kirsten to the boys: Sit. You are having Eggs Benedict Gruyere avec Paté de Foie.
Sandy: Something smells... fancy.

Kirsten: You know you're going to be exposed to a lot of new things in college next year.
Seth: Yeah, horny co-eds and alcohol poisoning. I just don't think they're gonna have French fusion on the menu.

Summer: You know, college fairs are kind of like shopping. It's all about brand recognition.
Seth: Did you know Princeton was once called the College of New Jersey.

Seth: He could be off joining the Foreign Legion. Could be off joining a cult. Ryan could be— I don't know, he could be taking place in a mass marriage right now. Drinking Koolaid. With brand new sneakers. So many sick things...

Seth: Ryan's about a yellow slicker and a graveyard away from becoming the Gorton's fisherman.
Summer: Huh. Yeah, not getting the reference.

Seth about his plan: I got a room at the Mermaid Motel.
Summer: You mean the place where Theresa may or may not have conceived Ryan's baby and the place where Marissa's mom and Luke got it on?
Seth: Newport's very own den of sin.
Summer: Ew. But I like it.

Sandy: I for one, I love The Tofu. Tofuna. Tofurkey. Tobagel. Cream Tocheese. Too much?
Seth: It was a valiant effort.

Ryan: I may not be an Atwood anymore, but I'm not a Cohen either. I don't know what I am.

Seth: Hey. It's The Return of the Not-So-Ancient Mariner.

THE SWELLS

Taylor: Have you heard about the lock-in tomorrow night? The entire senior class is gonna spend the night in the gym.
Summer: Oh! Can't make it.
Seth: Yeah. I'm taking off my arm with a hacksaw.

Summer about Marissa: She's not studying. She's at the beach with Johnny.
awkward pause
Seth: Ryan, try not to punch Summer.
Summer: I'm just the messenger.

Taylor's Mom: Taylor, untuck your shirt. Your ass is so not made for low riders.
Taylor: Got it.

Volchek: Hey Casey, hold up a second. I thought you were dating Harper.
Casey: I am.
Volchek: Doesn't look like it.

Seth: Summer called. She said something about you getting to some guy's house on Dune Row right away. Some emergency.
Ryan: Is it Marissa?
Seth to Ryan: I don't know. My cell phone was confiscated. Which I do believe is a violation of my civil liberties!

Seth's Voicemail: This is Seth. It's 2005. You know how these things work.

Seth: Ryan, I am freaking out right now. I'm using a payphone. And god knows what Asian strain of lip herpes I'm contracting.
Ryan: That's disgusting. I'll be there as soon as possible.

Summer: I'm sorry I overreacted. I meddled. Oh my god, I'm Seth.

Julie: There is not a lie in the world I haven't heard or told so just give it to me straight. It'll save us a lot of time.
Charlotte: I was never going to hurt you, Julie.
Julie: Right. You were just going to scam me into throwing a big charity and leave me to pick up the pieces so you could skip town.
Charlotte: What if you help me?
Julie: Are you drinking again?

Kirsten: I thought you loathed corporate America.
Sandy: Oh I do. I loathe it all. The greed, Republicans, navy suits.

Sandy: Listen I expect you to take this job seriously. I'm not gonna be out drinking with you every night after work. Weekends maybe. And tonight. Game on, Matt.
Matt: Game on, boss.

Taylor: Sorry! I can't hear you.
Summer to Taylor: What do you mean you can't hear—? You're responding!
Taylor: Sorry!

THE ANGER MANAGEMENT

Summer: What, like you didn't start it by hooking up with someone's girlfriend?
Seth: Good point. Or that's unnecessary to continuity. Either/or.

Taylor: So, you're like Seth's best friend, right?
Ryan: Don't tell Captain Oats.
Taylor: That's funny. I didn't even know you were funny.

Seth: Even if I didn't love Summer? Her and I, we're totally incompatible, seeing as how she's crazy and I'm not.
Ryan: I thought you said she wasn't that bad.
Seth: Taylor Townsend? In fourth grade she campaigned against making the school handicap accessible. She said it was "reverse Darwinism". Besides who— who— wants Dean Hess' seconds.

Summer: Who was that? It sounded like a girl.
Seth: Did it? Yeah. Well, sure. Because I'm listening to the radio. And This American Life is on. And so there's a girl talking.
Summer: Is that that show where those hipster know-it-alls talk about how fascinating ordinary people are? God.

Taylor: Hi Summer. You look really cute.
Summer: I know. But more importantly why are you always talking to my boyfriend?

Taylor: I live in this dream world where I think that Summer is my friend and that you like me. And the truth is that I don't have anybody. I mean, god, even the Grinch has that stupid little dog!

Charlotte: Julie, what the hell do you think you're doing?
Julie: Oh. Could you not hear me? I always hold the microphone too far away.

Julie: Now, I think it's time you left, don't you? This town's only really big enough for one manipulative bitch. Take care, sweetie.

Summer: Yakuza? Were you with Taylor?
Seth: She's having an emotional crisis.
Summer: Yeah, well she's about to have a physical one.

Sandy: I fired four people today. I'm not sure I'm cut out for this job.
Kirsten: I'm glad you're upset.
Sandy: Good pep talk!

THE GAME PLAN

Seth: Okay picture me at college. Big fish in a small pond or small fish in a big pond?
Ryan: I don't know. I never really pictured you living in a pond.
Seth: Me neither.

Mrs. Rushfield: So we'll deal with grades and boards later, but for now I just want to get a feel for what you want. Where you imagine yourself.
Seth: Ah, somewhere cold. Or brisk. I would settle for brisk.
Summer: I want 365 sun days. I don't mean the day after Saturday.
Ryan: Ah...

Seth: I just had a meeting with the counselor and she said I had a very good shot at getting in. Because I'm awesome.

Seth acting out the conversation: "Dad, I'm not applying to Berkeley. Where did you get that gun? Why do you have this gun?" That doesn't have a good ring to it.

Summer: These are our college lists. Do you see a difference?
Seth: Yeah. The font. Looks like you went with the, ah, Times New Roman.
Summer: The schools, Doofus. None of them are the same. None of them are even in the same time zone.
Seth: Okay, so you went West Coast, I went East Coast. It's not a hip-hop war.

Julie: Kirsten, I don't need your charity.
Kirsten: Then why are you living in a trailer? I'm sorry. I followed you yesterday.
Julie: Well, then I certainly hope you're opening up a detective agency.

Summer: What is it with people showing up with bags?

Gus: Hey, Julie!
Julie: I've got a gun, Gus.
Gus: That's cool.

Ryan: What happens on vacations? Do I stay in the poolhouse?
Sandy: No matter where you go, this will always be your home.

Sandy: Yeah, you missed my story about playing Nanki-Poo in The Mikado.

Summer: Uh oh, you and Seth are going to have to do the long distance thing. Better not cheat on each other.
Ryan: It's college. Things happen.
Seth: Are you questioning my sexuality?

THE DISCONNECT

Julie: Sandy, I don't think I'm in favor of low income housing.
Kirsten: Julie, you live in a trailer park.

Summer: Well maybe I never had a dream. You know, maybe for once in my life I actually want to do something in my life. Like something important. Be the first woman in space or win one of the noble prizes.
Seth: Summer, women have been going to space since the 60s. And it's not noble prizes, it's Nobel prize. Marie Curie won in 1903 for discovering radium.
Summer: I think you've made your point.

Kirsten: Is that a pirate costume?
Seth: Summer and I are at war.
Sandy: A pirate war?
Seth: Well it turns out Brown usually takes only one student from Harbor and we both want to be it so I need a hook.
Sandy: Oh, you mean like a Captain Hook?

Seth: Did you just whack me with your tuba?
Summer: Did you just jab me with your peg leg?
Seth: It's a tap, you little whacker.
Summer: Jab, jabber. Why do you have to be better than me at everything.
Seth: See, that's just it, Summer. I'm not better than you at everything. There was one thing that I was better at.

Jeff: I haven't invited anyone. I was hoping, Julie, that you might join me for dinner.
Kirsten: Mr. XYZ, if this is a joke it's not funny. I spent two days cooking and Julie bought a Flower Mart.

Seth: So, Ryan. You're a working man now. How's the job going? Model homes, calculators, dudes in suits. I bet that's pretty exciting stuff.
Ryan: You'd be surprised.

Seth: ...My intelligence was the one quality she admired in me. It made me almost a man in her eyes.
Ryan: C'mon, man. That's not true. You've got plenty of other positive qualities. You're funny. When you want to be.
Seth: Have you noticed how Summer's gotten a lot funnier lately? I mean I think she's funnier than me now.
You're an expert in comic books and Yakuza films.
Seth: Girls don't like that.
Ryan: You know how to work a grill.

Summer: A vicodin love confession is still a love confession.

Kirsten: How was your date?
Julie: Oh, it was awful. We totally didn't click, we had nothing to talk about, his tongue was like sandpaper.

THE CHRISMUKKAH BAR MITZ-VAHKKAH

Summer: And what do you think, Cohen?
Seth: My Chrismukkah forecast calls for trouble.

Kirsten: I came to see how you were.
Julie: I'm great. Some of the neighbors are having a cock fight in an hour using stray dogs. It's a holiday tradition. My money's on the feisty Weimaraner.
Kirsten: Good. 'Cause I'm awful.
Julie: I'm spitting Skol into a can, drinking wine from a bottle I unscrewed, and living in a home that—if I wanted to—I could put in reverse. I'm beyond awful.

Sandy: It's a sacred religious event. A tradition that marks a Jewish child's obligation to observe the ten commandments.
Seth: I'm sorry. And that's the problem with the Jews right there. We have no concept of marketing.

Seth: As soon as you hear "that's what friends are for" you're done.
Ryan: That song is Jewish?
Seth: It might as well be. It's a staple of every Bar Mitzvah. It's you and all your friends, your arms around each other swaying. It's awesome.
Ryan: I thought all the kids you invited went to Luke's birthday party.
Seth: It's hypothetically awesome.

Young Seth: This is my funeral. Not my Bar Mitzvah. And no one showed up. And you said Summer Roberts was coming.

Seth: Jews don't believe in saints. Just really good stand up comics.

Seth: That was remarkable timing, my mom right there.
Sandy: Oy, humbug.
Like the quote? Check out the Oy, Humbug shirt

Neil: The way my wife self-medicates she could be a pharmacist. Been miserable for years.
Julie: I live in a trailer park.

Sandy: Marissa, come join us. You're practically family.
Seth: I think technically she is.

Seth: Seth Cohen. Hello. Ryan... forgot his glasses so he's going to be right back.
Sandy: Ryan doesn't wear glasses.
Seth: He does when he's reading from right to left.

Sandy: What did I tell ya!
Kirsten: Best. Chrismukkah. Ever.

THE SAFE HARBOR

Summer: If we're going to launch a successful campaign to get Marissa back into Harbor we have to find someone who can organize the masses. Someone who they'll follow, you know, into battle.
Seth: You mean General Townsend?
Summer: Affirmative.

Taylor withdraws from the campaign
Seth: I guess that means no button guy.
Summer: Seth!
Seth: I just wanted to meet the button guy!

Neil: The girls should be home any minute. I think they were up most of the night last night working on the petition. They're so hopeful.
Julie: And here we are about to ruin everything.
Neil: It's really selfish of us if you think about it, isn't it?
Julie: You know, I suppose I could wait a couple of days, see how things pan out.
Neil: It really is more of a weekend conversation, isn't it?
Julie: You are so right.
Neil: You know, I could really go for a drink.
Julie: You read my mind.

Ryan: Alright, so it's down to the three of us, the AV club, and the comic book geeks.
Seth: Actually Leon is still a bit of a hold out.

Summer: I'm picturing, like, Indecent Proposal. You're Demi. Naturally. And Taylor is the leather-faced guy who talks to horses.
Seth: You want me to trade sex for signatures?
Summer: Get her on board. I want Marissa back at this school.
Seth: I feel so dirty.

Seth: I have been sanctioned to offer you sexual favors. I swear Summer said it was okay.
Taylor: Wow. Anything else, you would facing a long night. Involving candle wax, tubesocks and the new Fiona Apple CD. But Marissa, I can't.
Seth: Okay, well, lucky for both of us I have the option to forego manwhoring and make an appeal to your heart. Because I know that you have one.

Neil about the pork rinds: I'll just, take these and be outside trading stock tips with your friend, Gus.

Summer: Surrender, much? I bet Napoleon never talked like this.
Ryan: Well, maybe he should have before he was defeated and exiled.
Seth: Summer, my little Empress, this is our Waterloo. Let's just retreat and minimize collateral damage.

Marissa: Thanks so much for doing this.
Ryan: It really means a lot.
Sandy: Ornery judge, captive audience, righteousness on my side. I feel right at home.

THE SISTER ACT

Seth: Every time things are going too well around here, that's when doom comes aknockin'.
Ryan: Doom?
Seth: Aknockin'. doorbell Or aringin'. Right on time. Don't answer it. It's probably a flaming bag of crap.
Ryan: Or FedEx.

Kirsten: Veronica. What are you doing here?
Veronica: Hello, Kirsten. I hear you and Julie are starting a new dating service. I want you to set me up with the delicious Dr. Neil Roberts.
Kirsten: The father of Marissa's best friend? The girl you called "Little Miss Columbine" at last week's board meeting?

Sandy: Do you know Veronica Townsend?
Neil: Do I know Veronica Townsend? Sandy, I know every former A-cup in this town.

Marissa: I can't find my stupid jacket.
Ryan: I'll help.
Marissa: It's brown. With things on it.
Ryan: And it's stupid?

Seth: I love how people just come in now. No more of that useless back and forth to the front door.

Julie: I'll be okay, Kiki. I'm like the Gulf Region. At this point, what's one more hurricane?

Kirsten: Sandy, there you are. I have to talk to you about Veronica Townsend and... you-know-who.
Seth: Now we have a quorum.

Marissa: I'm sorry. But we were just trying to spare you.
Kaitlin: From what? From being a part of this family?

Summer: My god. That is amazing. And all you did was tell her he voted for John Kerry?
Seth: Yes, that is exactly what I said.
Summer: You told her he had genital warts? C'mon!

Summer: Of course I didn't mean to hit you.
Seth: I know. I just find it interesting how your hand collided with my face.

THE POT STIRRER

Seth: Dude, I planned my first escape on an Etch-a-Sketch. This is my dream. It's just, I don't know, man. It's real.
Ryan: Well, why don't you talk to Summer about it. I mean, I'm sure she's freaking out a bit, too.
Seth: I'll be fine. Seriously. This is just my process.
Ryan: Fair enough. You're pouring coffee in your cereal.

Neil: I'm just happy that we're finally meeting. After you postponed twice I thought maybe you changed your mind.
Julie: No. I just, kept thinking about the fact that our daughters are best friends, I'm a recent widow, you're just out of a marriage.
Neil: So what finally tipped the scales?
Julie: I felt something.
Neil: Me too.
Julie: I'm so sorry. reaching for her wallet I really have to go—
Neil: No no. I've got this. Julie, how 'bout dinner on Sunday night? I know this terrible burger joint. Even the owner avoids it. We'll be totally alone.
Julie: Sunday then.

Ryan: "Who has been the greatest influence in your intellectual development?"
Summer: Um, Miuccia Prada.
Seth: You probably wanna say something more like Einstein or—
Summer: So you want me to lie?
Seth: No, it's just, uh, I don't think Prada is the answer they're looking for.
Summer: Well this interview could determine the rest of our lives, right? Well, if I say something I don't believe in I could end up with the wrong life. How awful would that be?
Ryan: She has a point.
Summer: I have to go get a mani-pedi.
Seth: Summer.
Summer: Cohen. If you memorize the answers you think they want to hear, that's fine. But I believe in being myself. And by the way, Miuccia Prada combines styles from time periods in a way that people never even imagined possible.

Seth: You know I was taught that when you have something good, what you're supposed to do is you hang on to it. You know? You hang on to it with both hands. And if someone tries to take it from you. what you should do is you should make sure they pry it from your cold, dead fingers.

Julie: You know, after years of doing cardiobar and yogalates I forgot how good this feels. I got three honks.

Seth: You're a mystery solver. You're like an Encyclopedia Brown.

Seth: I love it when you go for the comedy. But I would not quit your day job beating up people.

Seth: Dude, I am not stoned anymore.
Ryan: Okay, then why are you in my shower?
Seth: Woah. How'd that happen?
Ryan: Just drink the coffee.

Sandy: I balked at taking him out to dinner, but I'm totally cool about turning your apartment into a Playboy grotto.

Can't be quoted, but the awkward moment when Ryan is trying to extract himself from the scene with Julie and Neil? Funny.

Summer: I'm looking to see if Brown has a course in human sexuality. 'Cause no offense, you are so taking that.

THE CLIFF HANGER

Seth: So I wanted to be alone. Are you the only one in this family that's allowed to brood?

Seth: We're getting dangerously close to an After-School Special here, Ryan. It's marijuana and I did it twice.

Julie: I know you've been married for, like, 200 years, but you must remember something about dating.
Kirsten: Well I hope so or I'm in the wrong business.

Johnny: Look, Marissa and I have a history together, alright? It's complicated.
Kaitlin: Uncomplicate it. Do something.

Neil looking through the New Match book: She's pretty.
Julie: Pear-shaped. But pretty.
Neil: Oo. Look at her. Nice... smile.
Julie: Yeah. Adult braces.

Ryan: Look, maybe you just feel sorry for him. Or, maybe sometimes you didn't think you could talk to me, I wasn't listening. Or maybe you're in love with him. Either way you've gotta figure it out. Until then, I don't want to see you.
Marissa: Look, I know things have been confusing—
Ryan leaves. Literally, figuratively and... temporarily. Marissa sucks.

Julie: It's my own fault. I let you do the scheming. Clearly not your wheelhouse. From now on if someone needs to be manipulated we put me in charge.
Kirsten: Fair enough.

Summer: Cohen, you are in a deceit spiral. And if you don't stop now, you could turn in to some creepy old men who have secret attics where they hide stolen money and porn.
Seth: Okay, first of all? That sounds awesome. Second of all, it could be worse. I got scared.
Summer: Scared?
Seth: Yeah. Tongue-tied, dizzy, my bladder felt weak.

Summer: What's that smell?
Seth: It is... incense. I was doing yoga plus I had some really bad gas.
Summer: Gross.

Julie: Go away Gus. I told you, I don't want to play strip pinochle.
Neil: You play strip pinochle?
Julie: Long story.

Neil: You can be manipulative, you can be aggressive. I've known you to stretch the truth on occasion. But the fact is, when I'm not around you, I miss you.
Julie: You do?
Neil: What can I say? I've fallen for you.
Julie: Well this just may be your lucky night. I have an extra Hot Pocket.

Johnny: Dude, you are the last person I want to see right now.
Ryan: Okay, alright, let's get you down from here. We can talk about it later, okay?
Johnny: Right, right. So you can save me one more time for Marissa.

THE HEAVY LIFTING

Seth: You can't blame yourself. You tried.
Ryan: And failed.

Kirsten: Julie, last time you went on a stealth mission, you toppled the dessert tray.
Julie: Yeah, but it did get his attention.

Sadie: He said you might think it's cheesy, but that's what you were to him. An angel. [Of Suck].

Sandy to Matt: This is your fourth quarter bonus, by the way.

Sadie: It's a funeral. People say sorry before they say hello.

Kaitlin: You're like an adult.
Justin: My parents are therapists. They're annoying, but pretty smart.

Sandy: Who knew women's panties were such a minefield?
Seth: Don't say panties.

Kaitlin: Are you going to try and act like this is a strange coincidence?
Justin: Not... anymore.

Summer: Hm. That's pretty smart. You may just have rocked my world. I'm wearing the thong.
Seth: Yeah, that's... that's my mom's.
Summer: Ew.

Julie: Oh no. I don't do oysters. If I'm going to swallow something that disgusting there better be something in it for me.

Justin: Hey. Kaitlin. I think there's something in your eye. What— it couldn't be! Is that a tear?
Kaitlin: Shut up.

THE ROAD WARRIOR

Seth: I've got two girls in bikinis trying to seduce me. Which sounds awesome. But I'm scared, I'm wet, and I'm cold, Ryan.
Ryan: Okay. Alright, I'll be right there. I just gotta towel off.
Seth: Why do you have to towel off?

Kirsten: Maybe you two should stop sneaking around and go public.
Julie: I don't disagree. And neither does my chiropractor.

Ryan: What's this guy doing here?
Volchok: That's funny, because I was just about to ask her the same thing about you.
Ryan: Yeah, well, you've always been kind of slow.

Summer: My dad has disastrous taste in women. If I don't step in he'll wind up with the first money-grubbing slutbag that gets into the backseat of his Mazerati.
Kirsten: Julie, would you like to take this?

Sadie: Your bookie?
Ryan: No. It's just Seth. I'll call him in the morning.

Seth: Dude, where are you?
Ryan: Indio. How much trouble am I in?
Seth: Ah, none yet. Mom and Dad think you're helping inner city kids paint an overpass mural. I'm rolling around in your bed right now. So it looks slept in.
Ryan: You probably do that anyway.

Taylor: Just what are we going to tell Summer?
Summer: What's who going to tell Summer?
Seth: Do I need to call a locksmith?
Summer: What are you doing here, T-Bag?

Bail Bond Guy: I got authority to protect this property with lethal force. You know what that means?
Ryan: It means we'll be out in the car.

Sadie: Stakeout look so much cooler in movies.
Ryan: Yeah, that's because they cut right to the part where the guy shows up.

THE JOURNEY

Kirsten: Ryan, I forgot to ask. Do you have any request for your birthday on Sunday?
Seth: Sunday's your birthday?
Ryan: Thanks buddy.
Sandy: Not just any birthday. Ryan's turning 16. Becoming a fully franchised citizen of this great democratic experiment we call America.
Seth: Yes, we all know you went to law school. The important thing is we need a party.

Seth: What do you want to do with this? holds up Marissa's invitation
Ryan: You're the Birthday General.
Seth: First of all, I'm the Birthday Captain. And the decision of whether to invite Marissa or not is way beyond my pay grade.

Summer: Look, I got nothing against you. In theory. But my dad just got out of a marriage and I don't want him rushing back into another.
Julie: Oh, Summer. I totally understand. We are nowhere near close to getting engaged. Trust me.

Marissa to Volchok: So what, are you stalking me now?

Julie: The truth is I asked you to breakfast for a reason. For the past few months I've been seeing Neil Roberts.
Marissa: Dr. Roberts? Wait, what have you had done?

Summer: Um, hi. Two homeless guys just got into a fight over the crudité and knocked down Scientist Ryan.

Sandy: As of today we may no longer be your legal guardians, but you will always be part of this family.

Sadie: You do know this is a Foreigner song, right?
Ryan: Yeah.
Sadie: Okay.

THE UNDERTOW

Seth: Who knew my new PlayStation idol would be your new girlfr— new...
Sadie: Friend.
Seth: Friend... Girl friend.
Summer: Nice save.
Sadie: I think friend is the word.
Ryan: I'm gonna get that.
Sadie: Nice dodge.
Ryan: Thanks.

Taylor: Holy Kodak moment!
Summer: I guess Seth just aced his Brown interview.
Taylor: That's fantastic. We're so gonna party tonight. I'll make a flan.
Summer: You know what, Taylor, Seth and I were thinking about hanging out alone. My dad's out of town, so...
Taylor: Ah. Say no more. nudging Summer Hm. Hm.
Summer: What's wrong with your eye?
Taylor: It's a knowing wink, Summer.
Gotta love Monty Python.

Sadie: You're still into toy cars? You know I'm gonna choose to find that cute instead of creepy.
Ryan: It's just something someone gave me.
Sadie: This wouldn't by any chance have anything to do with that Hooters waitress that showed up at your door yesterday.

Kirsten: Just because a girl isn't tied to some train tracks, doesn't mean she should be ignored.

Seth: Ugh. Get a room.
Sandy: Hey, count your blessings. Kids with affectionate parents grow up to be better adjusted sexually as adults.
Seth: I know. I meant get a room. My room. And do it in front of me.
Which totally sounded like a Brody ad lib to me.

Jen: Here I am. Down a boyfriend. Up a stalker.

Ryan: Look, you gotta stop dating guys like him. And I gotta stop dating girls like you.

Seth: Is that a no to the Wheelbarrow?
Summer: I'll Wheelbarrow you.

THE SECRETS AND LIES

Summer: I'm sounding out a hot new couple alert. Act like you knew nothing.
Seth: I don't.

Seth: So if the body doesn't lie...
Summer: Then it's saying, "Ew."
Seth: "Ew"? Or "Touch my pooper"?

Seth: Tense, tightly-wound shut-in. That's all I want out of you, okay? It's kind of a Boo Radley-shade. Far away from The Bait Shop and all of it's unsavory characters.

Kirsten: Hey handsome men!
Seth and Sandy: Where?
Seth: Ah, I just made the same joke as my dad. That's a bad sign.
Sandy: Your father happens to be hilarious. It's just hard to tell these days.

Summer: Volchok is Atwood's kryptonite. He'll totally Hulk out.
Seth: You're mixing comic book metaphors. But you think we can keep Marissa quiet?
Summer: Marissa? She can barely put her words together these days.
Seth: She's usually such a wordsmith.
Summer: What does she see in that guy? He's so dirty and greasy.
Seth: He's got good abs. Women like abs. I got a six-pack myself. I know.
Summer: Cohen, those are your ribs.
Seth: Oh.

Matt: You think thing's have been complicated? You haven't seen anything yet. Boss.

Summer: You may be Mrs. Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Roberts, but if you make my dad happy—
Neil: Which she does.
Julie: I do.
Summer: Then I'm happy.

Summer: We have a major problem. Marissa just bailed on our parents' engagement party to skank out with the surf Nazi.
Seth: Your dad and Julie got engaged? You kind of buried the lead there, Summer.
Summer: We've got bigger fish here, Cohen. Marissa is on a slut spiral and we need to stop her.

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

Seth: All this time I thought getting into college would make things so much easier.
Ryan: Yeah. Not gonna happen.
Seth: There's a cold front coming through.

Taylor: Have you spoken to Marissa lately?
Summer: Well, if you count "Pass the milk" and "Don't be so skanky,"—

Ryan: Everything okay?
Seth: Yeah. No. It's just that if she sees me she'll dress me like a Timberland Barbie.

Summer: I can't believe Ryan and Sadie are moving to Berkeley together. I think that's so romantic.
Seth: I don't know what Ryan's thinking.
Summer: What are you talking about?
Seth: Well he's 18. I just think college should come first.
Summer: Not if you're with the one you think you should be with. That you'll forever be with.
Seth: Who really knows that at 18?
Summer: I do. long silence Oh my god. You don't.

Ryan: Seth, uh, I gotta ask. Did you really get into Brown?
Seth: Did I get into—? Ryan, now who's smoking pot. Listen to me: the only class that I've ever gotten less than an A in is gym. My essay on the loneliness of being Superman made Mrs. Rushfield cry. So of course I... augh, how could I not get in?

Taylor: Summer, getting a man is like capturing a wily silverback gorilla in the Ugandan highlands. You see, nature is telling that gorilla to stay in the wild. But you and I know that that gorilla would be much happier back in the zoo on a normal feeding schedule. But sometimes he's just got to roar and beat his chest before you shoot him with a tranq dart.
Summer: So what you're saying is he's trying to exert his gorilla independence.
Taylor: Exactly.

Summer: Remember when the boys made us watch that movie about the gay guys on the mountain?
Marissa: Lord of the Rings.

Neil: Hey. You okay?
Julie: Please, I just— I can't do this right now.
Neil: Do what?
Julie: Sit here and be tested as wife/mother material while I'm worried about my daughter's future. I get it, okay? It's not what you expected. I failed. Fine. But right now I need to think about Marissa.
Neil: Julie, I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you were being tested. I— I was wrong. And you've hardly failed. I think Marissa is very lucky to have you as her mom.
Summer: Hey, guys. We're going to the party.
Marissa: Bye Mom, bye Dr. Roberts.
Neil: See what I mean.

Taylor: Hi. I'm Taylor. I used to be like total enemies with those guys but I'm pretty much second circle core now.

THE DAWN PATROL

Julie: Keep that grimey paw away from me. Unless you wanna see what ten years of cardiobar can do to your face.

Kirsten: Well whatever happens, you have at least one proud mother watching you when you graduate.
Ryan: Thanks.

Teacher: You do an impression of me, Mr. Cohen?
Seth: Ah. No, no, I don't do any impressions. I don't, um, use props, I don't like jokes in general.
Teacher: Well, why don't you work on some one-liners in Dr. Kim's office.

Julie: Listen up, Tommy Lee. You're just the latest in a series of experiments my daughter likes to make when acting out. So enjoy it. Because right here, right now is as good as it gets for you. Soon Marissa's gonna wake up and realize she is so much better than you and your life.
Volchok: You think she's gonna come running back to you.
Julie: Marissa knows that I will be there for her whenever she decides to come home because I am her family. Not some punk with a smirk, three brain cells, and a good coke connection. You tell her that.

Dawn: You don't have to lie to me, Ryan. And you don't have to worry about me embarassing you at your graduation.
Ryan: Mom—
Dawn: You know what, I may not have been the best mother in the world, but I have never been ashamed of my family.

Chloe: I'm sorry.
Ryan: It's okay. Your little family intervention seems to have worked.
Chloe: Oh. Then I'm not sorry. For anything that may have happened.
Ryan: Me neither.

Seth: Gonna be a long night, Ryan. A lot of whining, a lot of pining, ah, maybe some brainstorming, you don't mind?
Ryan: It's good to be home. Alright, how are we going to get your Summer back?
Seth: Plan A: I fake my own death. You never wanna underestimate the power of the sympathy vote.
Ryan: Is there a plan B?
Seth: Yeah yeah. Uh, I could hack in through the Brown firewall into the Admission's office mainframe and reverse my acceptance.
Ryan: That's actually a good idea. You know how to do that?
Seth: I had an uncle that went to DeVry.

THE COLLEGE TRY

Summer to Marissa: 48 hours ago, Coop, you were Newport's Courtney Love.

Julie: Marissa, honey, you know it's not too late to go with you. I promise I won't embarrass you. I can pretend to be part of your entourage. Or your Scientology guide.

Neil: Honey, I don't get it. You throw all of these parties with the dating service.
Julie: Well, I have Kirsten then. She's my wing woman.
Neil: So invite Kirsten. And Sandy. He can network with the doctors and she can... wing woman.

Seth: Ryan, I am touching ivy right now.
Ryan: What?
Seth: Real ivy. It grows on the buildings here. Those pictures in the brochure, they are not Photoshopped.
Ryan: I take it you're in the middle of the quad right now?
Seth: Yeah. Dead center.
Ryan: Pretty stealth. I can't imagine anyone actually seeing you there.
Seth: I know, I know, it's a Summer hot zone. I just had to come and visit campus for a few minutes.
Ryan: And it's perfect?
Seth: Man, it's better than perfect. Seth Cohen has come home to roost.
Off Screen: Cohen!?
Ryan: Who's that?
Seth: I don't know. I'm too afraid to turn around.

Seth: Mocking Newport with Anna Stern. That is one of my favorite pasttimes.
Anna: Mine too.

Brown Guy: The fact is, the US has been performing their own jihads for decades. Just instead of Allah, the killing is done in the name of oil.
Brown Girl: Totally.
Summer: You guys, what is a jihad?
Brown Guy: Exactly.
Brown Girl: Way to reframe the question, Summer.
Summer: Hm.

Marissa: So, I know the whole "friendship" thing didn't really work out in Newport, but—
Ryan: That was Newport, you know. Everything feels different here. I'm willing to try.
Marissa: Hm. Well I don't know. You know, 'cause if I was in your circle of friends I might accidentally let it slip that you used to do musicals.
Ryan: I have enough dirt on you to last the next four years. So bring it on.
Marissa: That might be true.

Tour Guy: Kumar? Your name is Kumar?
Seth: Yes. Kumar Zimmerman. I'm half-Indian, I'm half-Jewish. I am a HinJew.

Seth: Summer, you can't just ignore me forever.
Summer: Oh yes I can. Don't you remember middle school? I was really good at ignoring you. Now I'm just getting back inshape.

Sandy: You told him?
Kirsten: I didn't think Ryan would come home.
Sandy: Oh, you know Ryan better than that.
Kirsten: It just happened. You weren't there. You had to take a business call.
Sandy: Oh, so you told Ryan about Theresa to punish me.

Kirsten: I'd like to propose a toast. To Sandy Cohen. Who has told me countless times over the past year how important this hospital is to him.
Julie to Neil: Ouch.
Kirsten: You know, they say that when you grow up you marry your father. I thought I'd escaped that.

THE PARTY FAVOR

Ryan: Have you told her there's nothing going on between you and Anna?
Seth: I've tried, but every time I get close she pulls her rape whistle.

Summer: Not only will I not go to prom with you, but if you and I were stranded on a desert island, I would take the nourishment that your meager frame has to offer and then I would get your bones to the sharks.

Kirsten: When are we gonna talk about us?
Sandy: In public again, or were you thinking about something a little more private this time?
Kirsten: I'm sorry I attacked you. But it at least got you to listen.

Taylor: Now you know how I'm going with Sun Ho.
Taylor: The guy from the Korean barbecue?
Summer: Oh yeah. We, like, totally found each other at the sweatshirt party. He's got this wonderfully hairless body. It's like hooking up with a seal.
Summer: I have to go.

Summer's Voicemail: "Hey it's Summer. Leave a message."
Seth: Summer, hey. I just want to apologize for what happened in the girls bathroom today. I didn't mean to follow you in. Or spook Mrs. Rushfield. I was just trying to explain that the idea of a romance between me and Anna is so insane that—
Anna: Hello Seth.
Seth: I gotta go.

Seth: Ah, there she is. Look at a true friend, Ryan. 2000 miles she flies.
Anna: In a middle seat.
Seth: All to make sure Summer and I go to the prom together. Tell me, would you do so much?
Ryan: Let's not test it.

Marissa: So do you think Kevin will like this?
Summer: Yeah, if it rips off easy.

Seth: Oh my god. You what this is? This is the pirate's cave from Goonies. I've died and gone to heaven.

Summer: You know, just everyone, leave me alone.
Seth: She probably just needs a moist washcloth. Or maybe, like, a towelette.
Anna: Cohen.
Seth: What? What? Is there a no-towelette clause in your plan? 'Cause right now I'm thinking that phase two kinda sucks. Does anyone have a towelette? Does anyone have a towelette?!?! We've gotta find a towelette!

Summer: I love you.
Seth: I love you too. We can kiss later. Summer throws up again Alright. Want me to hold your crown? Summer throws up again Hey! Rigatoni. Nice.

Volchok: You probably think I'm an idiot, huh? Screw things up with Marissa. Steal money when everyone's gonna know I took it.
Ryan: I don't think about you. But yes, you're an idiot.

THE MAN OF THE YEAR

Theresa: I don't know what the Korean word for "threesome" is, but I'm pretty sure it was used.

Kirsten: Responsible for development? Sandy, the only thing that's responsible for is a lot of sleepless nights and Matt Ramsey's black eye. You know my father was Man of the Year.
Sandy: The irony is not lost on me, believe me.

Kirsten: Why don't you say good morning to Newport's Man of the Year.
Seth: I knew it was only a matter of time before this town recognized my contribution to this community.
Ryan: You'd have to be a man first. Congratulations, Sandy.

Ryan: Whatever you're into. Drugs, guns...
Volchok: That's none of your business.
Ryan: I know. And I don't want it to be.

Annoying Chick: Shut up.
Kaitlin: You shut up.
Marissa: Okay, both of you shut up.
And... first time I agree with Marissa.

Seth: Are you decent? If I come in am I inviting years of therapy?

Sandy: You smoked pot in our home.
Seth: Would you rather I do it somewhere else? Like my college dorm?
Sandy: That would require you getting into college.
Seth: Do you think it's such a great idea me going away to college when mom's been drinking again?
Sandy: What are you talking about?
Seth: Maybe if you paid attention to anything other than that stupid hospital you'd notice mom's been passing out before dinner.
Sandy: Don't talk to your father like that.
Seth: That would require you to act like my father.

Neil: It feels like a conflict of interest. I may have to testify against the man. I'm sure they'll understand.
Julie: Well I don't. The Cohens are like family, Neil.

Julie: You changed your mind.
Neil: No, you changed my mind. You're a very passionate woman. And surprisingly principled.
Julie: I'd like to think so.
Neil: If you feel so strongly about family, how could I not want to be a part of yours?

Copper: Who are you, his lawyer?
Sandy: I'm his father.

THE GRADUATES

Seth: "Dad, remember when I called you the worst father ever? Right after that I swung by your place of work, I smoked a joint, I forgot to put it out and now your office fits into an ashtray."

Seth: This is it, dude. We never have to set foot in this stupid school or this stupid student lounge again.
Ryan: Nostalgic already, huh?
Seth: Never gonna have to see any of these shoe-peeing, shallow water polo-playing—
A guy knocks into Seth
Shallow Water Polo Player: Get outta my way, geek. What is that, a dress?
Seth: It's a graduation gown. You're wearing one too.
Shallow Water Polo Player to his friend: Queered and Weird are wearing a "gown".

Ryan: You know, this is gonna sound weird, but can I drive you to the airport? You were the first person I met here, I'd kinda like to be the last person to say goodbye.
Marissa: You know, it's funny. I was gonna ask you the same thing.

Taylor: And if I could leave you all with one final word of advice: Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. Don't let the bastards get you down.

Sandy: I know the last few years have been a roller coaster. There's been tragedy and comedy. And first loves, broken hearts. Family members we've lost and found. It hasn't all been perfect, but we're all a family here. So cheers.

Taylor: It has been a pleasure being second circle core.
Seth: You can join the inner circle.
Taylor: I can? Oh my god! The Fab Five!

Ryan: ...And thanks again for the car.
Dawn: You bet.
Seth: Ryan got a car? Really? I've been waiting for years for a car. I'm supposed to be the spoiled one.

Ryan: Again, I think the pearls would have looked good on you.
Volchok: Yeah, you're a funny kid.

Julie: I just want you to know, everything I ever did—good, bad or otherwise—I did it for you. So that you could have a better life than I had. And I know I wasn't perfect. I mean, the thing with Luke, and, trying to frame Ryan for attempted homicide, I—
Marissa: Mom, I love you. Just know that.
Julie: Oh, sweetheart. That's all I wanted. I love you too.

Summer: You guys ever wonder what life would be like if Atwood never came here?
Marissa: I definitely never would have talked to Seth.
Summer: Oh hell no. Me either.
Seth: Hahahah!
Ryan: See, you owe me one, buddy.
Seth: Me? She'd still be dating the dude who shaves his chest.

Summer: I can't believe that for a minute I was actually interested in Atwood. laughs Okay, no offense.
Ryan: None taken, beeyotch.
Marissa: It was only until you found out he was from Chino.
Summer: Exactly.
Ryan: You actually invited me to Holly's beach house.
Summer: Oh my god!
Seth: You said she invited me. I'm not faring well, this trip down memory lane.

Marissa: I'm sorry for all the craziness.
Ryan: I wouldn't have done it any differently. Except maybe Oliver.

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