Quotes from The OC

Season Two

THE DISTANCE

Sandy: Sometimes the best thing is for a kid to have some space.
Kirsten: The Pacific Ocean? That's not enough space?

Summer: I feel like my flesh is melting. I just hope it melts evenly.

Caleb: Do you hear a clicking on the phone?Every time I try to dial out I swear I hear a clicking.
Julie: Okay, Nixon. Paranoid, much? What's going on with you, Cal? You're either hopped up on blow or something's seriously wrong.

Sandy: I've always liked Luke. Kind of a big Golden Retriever.
Ryan laughs: Actually, he kinda is.

Caleb: I don't get it. His best friend leaves, so he runs off with another boy and his gay dad? Seems kind of strange.
Sandy: And this coming from a guy who is one click away from wearing a wig and a fake mustache.

Summer: Well my therapist said the best thing I can do to move on in my life is to divest myself of Seth's material possessions. Kirsten looks confused. I've got to dump off a bunch of his crap.

Jimmy: So what's going on in your life?
Julie: Aside from our daughter being the spawn of Chucky and Keith Moon?

Julie: You two are still—?
Jimmy: Yeah, we're doing great. She's fantastic, sweet, limber. How about you and Caleb?
Julie: Not so limber.

Ryan: Hey, so, ah, I was thinking.
Seth: I was thinking too. You know they don't even have a water polo team here. That's just gonna be a problem for me.

Ryan: How'd you make it all the way from Newport on that little catamaran?
Seth: Hm. Well, Ryan, sit down, my son. motions for him to sit down. It was a long and torturous journey, and I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna sugar coat any details with you—
Ryan: Please don't.
Seth: —'cause we're friends. First, I sailed to Catalina. Then, I sailed to Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara, I ran out of snacks. Freaked out a little bit, pawned my boat for cash, took a Greyhound to Portland.
Ryan: You took a bus.
Seth: Yeah. But don't say it like that, cause it was a local. Okay, have you ever been in one of those? Okay, not for the faint of heart.
Ryan: I can't believe after all that you took a bus.
Seth: Yeah. I think we're definitely going to have to come up with a better story for school though, that'd be good.
Ryan: I don't know, I like the bus idea. It's cool.
Seth: Okay, what about maybe... boat sank, saved by whales? It's very Whale Rider.
Ryan: What else you got?
Seth: I took a boat, boat sank, saved by a mermaid? Boat sank, stranded on a desert island...

THE WAY WE WERE

Ryan: I'm gonna brood. Silently. Over here.

Ryan pointing at the Comic Book Club flyer: Who's this guy?
Seth: That's me with powers. The power to be handsome.
Ryan: I think this has a little something to do with the whole outcast thing.
Check out the unofficial Comic Book League shirt.

Sandy: Since when is scotch part of a nutritious brunch?
Caleb: Since the DA's office finally decided they had enough to indict me.

Seth: Ryan would you please take the minutes?
Ryan: Uh, Seth it's just us.
Seth: Yeah, uh huh. Write that down.

Seth: Dude, I love that guy.
Ryan: You're not the only one. motions at Summer kissing Zach
Seth: No. She cannot be dating him. That's not even possible. How is that possible?
Ryan: A second ago you wanted to date him.

Marissa: Come on, I can't wait to show you the house. And my mom's face when she sees you in it.

Ryan: If I hadn't left, then you guys would have still have been together.
Summer: That isn't true. He would have found some Cohen-y way to break us up. He can't help it. He's Cohen.

Seth: I will bring these walls down with one single grand gesture!
Ryan: No! No grand gestures!

About the Sandy Cohen lox scramble with rye toast
Caleb: No, I'm not dragging Sandy into anything. Before he put these eggs in front of me he was the closest thing I had to a friend in this town.

Sandy: Have dinner with us, instead. I won't cook, I promise. Although if Kirsten's mad enough at you, she might.

Marissa: Ryan, we're not friends. We were never just friends.
Ryan: I guess that was the problem then. See ya.

Summer: Cohen. What are you doing?
Seth: Nothing. Why?
Summer: Looks like you're humping the hot dog stand.

Summer: What do you want from me, Cohen?
Seth: I just want you.
Summer: No you don't. You had me. You had me at Chrismukkah in a freakin' Wonderwoman costume and you chose Anna. You had me three months ago and you left.
Seth: I want to make that up to you.
Summer: It has nothing to do with me. It's about you. And it is always about you: what you need and what you want. You know, it seems that you only want me when you can't have me. You like the chase, and that's all. And you know what? You can have it.

Sandy: Don't say anything. I'll follow you to the station. to the arresting officer: I'm his lawyer.

THE NEW KID ON THE BLOCK

Lindsay: Excuse me. I'm new. Is it alright to park here?
Bitchy Chick: Sure. If you're not too embarassed.

Lindsay: I'm just gonna wring out my shirt, and stuff toilet paper up my nose, and I'm sure I'll have no trouble fitting in now.

Seth: The Bait Shop? Could be our very own CBGBs.
Ryan: Could be what?
Seth: C'mon. What? The only music they had in Chino was the sound of gunshots and helicopters?

Seth: So, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the urinals! walks off whistling as Ryan stands there stoically until Seth wanders back the other way
Seth: I don't know where they are.

Alex: That's sweet. It's pathetic but sweet.
Seth: Yeah, that's my niche. Pathetic and sweet.

Kirsten: You quit?
Sandy: Quit slash got fired.

Jimmy: The woman I married wouldn't stand for that. Nobody puts Julie Cooper in a corner.
Like this quote? Check out the shirt.

Caleb: When I have champagne I get giggly.
Sandy: When did you ever get giggly?

Marissa: Do you like this band?
Ryan: I like Journey.

Caleb: What do you suggest I do?
Sandy: I suggest you find a way to make it up to Kirsten. Now. Unless you want Julie to be your lawyer too.

Summer: Cohen, that was really sweet.
Seth: Pathetic and sweet?
Summer: No, just sweet.

Seth: Maybe I just can't be just friends with you.
Summer: Then maybe this is it for us.

Seth: This is the old Seth Cohen. I'm back, man. Red, white, and me.

Sandy: Does the light of dawn make any of this easier to take?
Kirsten: Harder, actually.

Sandy: She's agreed to supervised visitation. 20 minutes, max.
Caleb: She's my daughter, Sandy, I don't need to be supervised.
Sandy: No, I'm supervising her. Because she might kill you.

THE NEW ERA

Seth about Lindsay: She's musical, she's witty... hopefully she's free for lunch.

Ryan: She's argumentative... bossy.
Seth: Yeah, that's my type.

Caleb: Are you a frittata man?
Sandy: I'm fine.

DJ: So, what, are we friends now?
Marissa: Judging by this conversation, probably not.

Seth: Man, I said I wanted to marry her, not date her okay?

Seth: Her with a tattoo, you with a wristband. That's like the ultimate wrong-side-of-the-tracks love story.

Seth: My friend Ryan, he's really cool, okay? He's very anti-establishment. He enjoys sunset walks on the beach, punching people, and not smiling.
Alex: And that's how you see me?
Seth: Yeah. Except more so.

Summer: Cohen... Ryan.
Seth: I have a date.
Summer: Wow! Have fun with Captain Oats.

Sandy: Today he sent me to go meet with his former assistant, Phyliss.
Kirsten: Phyliss died last year.
Sandy: Exactly. Literally, dead ends.

Julie: Now I know I'm not your favorite person right now, but I have a way to make it up to you.
Kirsten: This can't be good.

Seth: I've redefined rock-bottom like several times tonight.

Kirsten: Oh, god. She just grazed an ass.
Jimmy: Ah, the not-so-subtle ass graze.

Sandy: I tried to talk to Phyliss earlier, but I left my Ouija board at home.

Seth to Summer: Can I talk to you for like, one minute? Zach, I'm really sorry.
Zach: Okay, I'm gonna go jump off the pier.

Seth: So. To recap. I got disco-ed by two girls in one night, and unfortunately that's just... not the first time it's happened.

THE SnOC

Seth: Ryan Atwood, afraid of a girl?
Ryan: I just might like her, and every time a big event happens...
Seth: Things go awry.

Sandy: What could he have possibly have done that would be so terrible that he'd rather go to jail?... Unless, life with Julie Cooper...

Kirsten: I don't want you getting yourself in trouble over this.
Sandy: Oh, honey. It's a little late for that.

Seth: Hey, need a hand with something?
Marissa: Sure.
Seth: Ryan, be a gentleman. heading off I've got class.

Summer: You've gotta go, like, Ice-Man on her ass.
Seth: Wow, was that your first X-Men reference?
Summer: Top Gun.
Seth: Top Gun. Hey. That's like one of the greatest love stories of our time.

Sandy: Never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his child.

Julie: Jimmy, look.
Jimmy: Wow, she looks beautiful.
Julie: Yes, but more importantly she's with Ryan. Who right now looks like Prince Charming.

Sandy: Even if you were having an affair, 16 years is an awfully long time to be paying palimony... Unless there's a child.

Marissa: I already told you, the Winter Ball is just not his type of thing.
Ryan: Did he decide that or did you?

Zach: I get it. You're one of those couples. Joannie and Chachi, Luke and Leia.
Seth: Luke and Leia were brother and sister.
Zach: Yeah, well, may the force be with you.

Alex: Why aren't you at the SnOC Winter Wank-off?

Julie: I was easier to love back then. I was beautiful and much nicer then.
Jimmy: Jules, c'mon. You're still beautiful. and you were never that nice.

Ryan: I know something we can do that doesn't involve a lot talking.
Cut to them playing video games.

THE CHRISMUKKAH THAT ALMOST WASN'T

Sandy: Facing Kirsten and Julie has got to be better than going to jail.
caleb: Kirsten maybe. Not Julie.

Seth: Father! Where are we going to find some Jews in Orange County?
Sandy: Leave me out of it.
Kirsten: Oy, humbug.
Seth: Oy, humbug.

Sandy: I've had so many clandestine meetings lately I feel like I'm in an Oliver Stone movie.

Lindsay: Every kid grows up... stops believing in Santa... I stopped believing in my dad.

Gathered in the kitchen, everyone finds out Caleb is Lindsay's Father
Awkward silence ensues
Seth: Good thing the kitchen's roomy.
Everyone turns and stares at Seth

Kirsten: I thouight you and Jimmy were getting along really well.
Julie: Oh really. What makes you say that?
Kirsten: Because last week you said you and Jimmy were getting along really well.

Seth singing: Moses and Jesus, they both had beards.

FAMILY TIES

Seth: Will you punch someone, please? For old time's sake?

Seth: It's a story as old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out girl is surrogate mother's illegitimate half-sister.
Sandy: I'm guessing it's too soon to joke Seth. Even for a Cohen.

Seth: Holy 80s teen comedy plot!

Sandy: Keep shucking, Seth! I want dinner ready by the time your mother gets home.
Seth: menacing his father with corn Hey! Maybe I don't feel like shucking these... Okay, maybe you should go and shuck 'em yourself, old man!
long pause until Sandy and Ryan start laughing
Ryan: That's good.
Sandy: You had me shaking in my boots.
Seth: I'm so screwed. Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the hulk. I get mad I turn into like a 75 year old yenta... named Sylvia.

Ryan: You realize we're both screwed.
Seth: Dude, I'm wearing a wifebeater.

Summer to Seth: Your breath smells like Marissa! You are so drunk!

Alex: Ryan, you have to take Seth home right now. He is wasted, and leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

Sandy: What's going on? trash cans crash You guys okay? Seth?
Seth: Shh! We're being stealth! rolls across the hood of the car. Sort of.
Like the quote? Check out the shirt.

Ryan: Talked to Alex?
Seth: She won't answer my calls.
Ryan: Hm. Might have something to do with all the vomit.
Seth: All the vomit? How much vomit? Like, the little girl in Sixth Sense or the fat guy in Monty Python?
Ryan: Well, you wanted to be the bad boy.

Kirsten: Ah! If it isn't my son the wino.
Seth: You guys found out?
Kirsten: Well, you weren't exactly stealth.

Summer: Actually, I'm gonna go alone.
Zach: You're going by yourself?
Summer: Hans Solo. But if I change my mind I'll have Cohen get drunk and let you know.

Julie to Jimmy: Do you see what you're leaving me with? Do you see how screwed up she is?
Marissa: Of course I'm screwed up. I'm the daughter of a thief and a slut.

Marissa: I brought bagels.
Sandy: Well that's the secret password into the Cohen household.

THE POWER OF LOVE

Seth: If you're alone, cough twice.
Ryan: I'm alone.
Seth: Okay, it's not as stealth but it works too.

Marissa: What happens with Seth and Alex has nothing to do with you and Zach.
Summer: I know. But I always thought that I would have sex first and that Cohen would catch syphilis from a public toilet.

Seth: I call this part "prepping the oven."

Seth: We made blueberry, buttermilk... and if you're feeling especially sinful, chocolate chip.

Sandy: Nothing like Julie Cooper to put fear into the hearts of children.

Seth: I think we should have a secret knock or something.

Sandy: We can't fight a war on multiple fronts. Have we learned nothing from the Nazis?

Marissa: Who's Kofi Annan?
Summer: Some guy Zach's mom knows. I think he works for United Airlines.

THE EX-FACTOR

Sandy: Ask me while you're giving me the massage. I'm inclined to say yes.

Seth: Why have guys night out when we could have guys night in.

Summer: Am I about to get whacked?

Kirsten to Julie: Oh my. There's so much you here.

Sandy: Okay, honey, I don't want to alarm you, but there's a giant Julie Cooper on the table.

Zach: Have you seen the infomercials for Girls Gone Wild? Because this is exactly how it begins.

Seth: Ryan, my girlfriend hooked up with a girl. There's only one thing to do in this situation.
Zach: You're gonna hook up with a guy?

Sandy: It's my fault. I've once again gotten caught up in this nasty game of Hungry, Hungry Hippo.

Seth: I've got a lot of testosterone pumping. Testosterone being the key ingredient missing in Alex's previoius relationship.

Ryan: Look, I don't know, I... I... I guess I was hoping this could be easy. For you and me to stay friends. For you and Lindsay to be friends.
Marissa: And have us all live happily ever after?
Ryan: Yeah, something like that.
Marissa: I know, it seems like a million years ago we dated, but it wasn't.
Ryan: I know that.
Marissa: And okay, maybe you're over it. Maybe it doesn't mean anything to you anymore. Maybe it never did. But it meant a lot to me. You meant a lot to me. Still do.
Ryan: It's not like that, I don't know what it's like. And thinking you and Lindsay should be friends was a bad idea.
Marissa: Why? I like her. And if you do the math, she's my stepsister, so...
Ryan: I guess...
Marissa: Clearly, it's going to be strange for us for a while.
Ryan: Yeah, I know, you're right. I'm sorry. And that's what I came here to say.
Marissa: I'm sorry, too.

THE ACCOMPLICE

Seth: Is she back together with her lesbian ex? And if so is she open to some sort of menage-a-threeway as in the film Summer Lovers?

Zach: You should just focus on the good stuff in your life. Like school. Seth grimaces. Or... comics. Yeah, I got nothing.

Alex on the phone with Marissa: Are you calling me from outside my door? Because that would be... opens door and sees Seth Creepy.

Alex: Sorry, I would have introduced you guys, but I didn't want you two to meet.

Gail: As you can see, it's a bit of a fixer-upper.
Kirsten: That's one way to put it.
Sandy: Who are you kidding, Gail? This place is a first-class dump. And I like it!

Max surveying Sandy's new office: I was under the impression you'd become a successful lawyer.

Marissa: You're not my father, Cal. You know what, if you want to be a parent go over to Lindsay's house and try to ruin her [life].

Seth: Hey! Brian Gatwood. AKA Kid Chino!

Seth: Turns out I don't make a very convincing Super Hero.

Summer: I don't wanna hear it. What are you guys? Like Kavalier and Gay?
Seth amused and impressed: That was funny.
Summer indignant: I know.

Summer about the purloined sketchbook of her: Princess Sparkle, you are not going to believe this.

Seth: I know that it's totally creepy. I know that. I'm sorry. It's was just a very long summer and I'm sorry and I will destroy all of them right now. I just need to find my X-Acto knife.

Ryan: How'd it go with Zach?
Seth: Well great until Summer came over and discovered my sketchbook.
Ryan: What'd she do?
Seth: Well I thought she was going to get a restraining order, but it turns out she's just gonna get her own action figure.

THE SECOND CHANCE

Ryan: Is this about Alex?
Seth: Ah, no no. She's merely kitchen table fodder at this point. She's no longer up to poolhouse standard.

Ryan: Look, I'm not the biggest fan of your dad—no offense—but I mean Luke Skywalker was happy to have a dad, even if it was Darth Vader.
Kirsten: You're right, she needs a dad.

Alex: Who knew you Harbor girls could throw down.
Marissa: Yeah, well, I'm not like the other girls.
Alex: Well, then I guess it's about time I show you the meth lab in the basement.
Marissa: I thought you'd never ask.

Sandy: I can see how that might salt your game.
Rebekah: "Salt my game"? Is that how they talk in Orange County?
Sandy: Stick around, you'll be saying "rad" in no time.

Ryan: Alright, look. Luke Skywalker was happy to find his dad, right? Even if he turned out to be Darth Vader.
Lindsay: Ryan, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader fought each other with lightsabers until one of them died.
Ryan: When you put it that way—
Lindsay: Look, just don't worry about my family. Or... our family. Whatever they are. Just let it be, okay?

Caleb: You know that... Yogalates or... Cardiobar... or whatever it is you've been up to are working wonders on your figure. And that top, it's so... fetching.

Summer: Oh, I will compromise your vision. Do not forget about my rage-blackouts!
Seth: Oh I have not. In fact it's part of your super powers.

Zach: And Cohen, you gotta nail Summer!
Seth: What?!
Summer: Excuse me?

Kirsten: Well didn't you use that Luke Skywalker/Darth Vader analogy?
Ryan: She poked a serious hole in that analogy.

Sandy: Yeah, while I'm harboring a fugitive I'll go score some pot on the street.

Summer: Okay, let's be more professional! Less drooling, more drawing. And don't give me any junk in the trunk, either.

Seth: Okay, the way you're holding the pencil, you're choking it.
Summer: I am not! This pencil can breathe on its own!

Kirsten after Caleb's heart attack: That's the last time I try cooking.

THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB

After Kirsten sends roses down the trash compactor
Seth: Looks like I'm not the only one at odds with the universe.

Summer about her earrings: Do you think these are too bling for a meeting?

Julie to Marissa: Are you going to throw your bedroom furniture in the pool now?

Sandy: There are days that I think me and Kirsten are bulletproof. I don't wanna test that theory.

Summer: You know what? My teeth are all plaque-y. I'm gonna go for a last-minute floss.

Seth: Our noses grazed. And it was like the most sexually charged nose-graze in the history of nose grazes. It's essentially nose-humping, is what it is.

Seth: So, for Valentine's Day, you're giving Lindsay... Grandpa?

Caleb: I'm sorry, Ryan. I know it wasn't easy for you to string so many words together.

Caleb about Ryan: Setting fires... impregnating teenage girls...

THE TEST

Seth: Do you not see what's going on here?
Ryan: Yes. You're wallowing.

Ryan about Seth's obsession with Zach and Summer: No, Seth, you can't ask her. It's weird and it's creepy and it's none of your business.

Kirsten: Have you seen Seth?
Sandy: Well I've smelled him. Smells like Teen Spirit to me.

Julie about Caleb adopting Lindsay: And I told you, you have nothing to worry about. I will take care of that. Kirsten gives a look I saw that, Kirsten.

Sandy: The FBI was here.
Kirsten: Well it wouldn't be the Cohen house if it wasn't a visit from law enforcement.

Summer on the phone with Zach: I haven't seen Cohen, why? Well he always smells kind of weird.

Summer: I'm only saying this for the people that live with you: take a shower, Cohen. Zach and I didn't have sex.

Julie: You should get another glass of champagne. 'Cause this is one surprise you won't find posted on the internet.

Seth: I think closure's overrated. I'm more of a fan of open unrequited love.

Lindsay: I don't need to take a test. 'Cause I know that my real dad wouldn't treat me this way.

Summer: See ya, Cohen.
Seth: See ya, Summer.

Ryan about the movie: He tries to do good but he usually ends up destroying everything.
Sandy: Ah, good. My kinda hero.

THE RAINY DAY WOMEN

Seth: Think we should stick together? Kinda two-by-two like Noah did? He's very wise, Ryan. He had a beard.

Sandy: I feel like we've become like strangers.
Kirsten: Well, I was taught never to talk to strangers.

Julie: That's very punk of you. You know, I used to like the punk in my day.
Marissa: Mom!
Julie: Okay, Marissa. It still is my day. I was just being modest.

Seth: Spiderman is really the only protective headgear I own.
Summer: Well, it's too bad you weren't wearing protective headgear when you were dropped on your head as a child.
Seth: Oh, zing!

Ryan about Lindsay's ranking system: So I come in right below pizza. That's good to know.
Lindsay: Yeah, well. A girl's gotta eat.

Kirsten: Well, my husband is currently transporting a fugitive who used to be his girlfriend.
Julie to Kirsten: I'll see your fugitive former flame and raise you a lesbian daughter.
Kirsten: Marissa? Well I'm sure it's just a phase.
Julie: It was for me.

Seth: Unless I can think of one last grand romantic gesture, Summer's gone.
Ryan: Wow. You know, I remember when I first heard about Summer. We were sailing and you said you named your boat after her. Which I thought was a little weird considering you never actually talked to her.
Seth: Eureka, Ryan! I can't believe I just said Eureka. That's it!
Ryan: What's it?
Seth: The way to win her back. The grand romantic gesture that's gonna put Zachary's Euro-Trip to shame. I shall take her on a sailing adventure aboard the Summer Breeze.
Ryan: Except you sold the boat for bus fare.
Seth: I did. Dammit. Eureka, Ryan! I shall buy back the Summer Breeze! Yes.
URyan: Uh huh. Except with what money?
Seth: Okay, if I wanted my parade rained on, I would just step outside. Let me ask you, man. Do you like the shape of the idea, even.
Ryan: Definitely.
Seth: Okay great. So all I need is money. Hang on. Yes, got the answer. But before I say Eureka again, do you see any other potential flaws or holes in my plan?
Ryan: No.
Seth: Then Eureka, Ryan! Eu-friggin-reka!

Summer: I don't want the Italians to think I have bad style. I'm representing America.
Zach: Well, that's very patriotic of you.

Seth: I appreciate you selling me my boat back. When I sold it I was in desperate straits. Low blood sugar, no snacks.

Julie: Look, Marissa, I'll admit it. I experimented a bit when I was your age. Albeit it involved a little Motley Crue and a lot of Jager.
Marissa: Woah, Mom. Way too much information.

Seth: Marissa and Alex: no longer welcome in the Red States.
Ryan: That I wouldn't have predicted. Think it's real?
Seth: God, I hope so.

Kirsten: Lindsay, no matter what happens, you'll always be a part of the family.
Caleb: I couldn't have said it better myself.

Nurse: Okay, we have a match. Caleb Nichol is the father of Lindsay Wheeler Gardner.

Seth on voicemail: Hey, it's me. Look, perhaps you're screening.... Perhaps you're being screened by security.

Summer: I can't go. I can't do this.
Zach: Truth be told, I didn't think you'd make it past security.
Summer: I'm really sorry.
Zach: You can't fight fate.

Kirsten: You took the bus.
Sandy: I told you, nothing could keep me away from you.
Kirsten: Is it over?
Sandy: I can promise you it never started.

THE MALLPISODE

Ryan: This thing with Lindsay is... different.
Seth: Different how?
Ryan: Different as in not fixed by pancakes. And don't ask me how I feel about waffles.
Seth: Got it.

Seth: This thing with Lindsay is just really kicking Ryan's ass.
Summer: Which is why it's a good thing we're like the Marines.
Seth: How are we like the Marines?
Summer: We leave no man behind. Look, Lindsay may have turned her back on Ryan, but we won't. No. You have got to cheer him up. Semper Fi.
Seth: Oh, Semper Fi. That's so cute.

Seth: And besides, now with Lindsay out of the picture, maybe Ryan and Marissa will get back together.
Summer: Are you crazy? They're like the worst couple ever. And besides Marissa's happy now.
Seth: Okay, and by happy you mean gay.

Julie: Why this guy? He launched a magazine called The Ugly Americans.

Seth: Ah. Father. I'm glad to see you finally found your calling.
Caleb: Exactly what I said.
Sandy: Ah, nothing like a good crack about a plumber.

Carter: Look, I just don't think the world needs more proclamations about how Mukluks are the new Uggs.
Kirsten: Our bar's not that low.
Julie: He's right about Mukluks. Write that down.

As Ryan and Seth crawl through the duct system
Seth: Hey, Ryan what did I tell you. Isn't this great? It's like Goonies meets Die Hard by way of Mission Impossible. With I think a... slight hint of National Treasure.

Summer: Trapped in a department store. Which is like my ultimate fantasy.
Ryan: Okay, and what if we get caught?
Summer: We'll be stealth.

Ryan: So what do we do now?
Summer: I have an idea. puts on a hockey mask.
Ryan: You're going to kill us all with a chainsaw?

Lance: Actually, I have something for you.
Julie: Yeah? Last time you gave me something I drank cranberry juice for a week.

Julie: Alex, and I'm not saying this to be mean. Because you actually seem like a nice enough girl, and... I like your pants. But you're this week's yard guy.

Julie to Alex, about Marissa: She's only really been in love once, and he looked a little different in a wife beater.

About the Skill Crane ring prize
Caleb: You really want that ring, don't you?
Sandy: More than anything.
Caleb: I'll get more quarters.

Seth: How is it that Ryan and Marissa are now the functioning couple?
Summer: Oh my god, we can not be more annoying than Ryan and Marissa. They're monsters.
Seth: I like monsters.

THE BLAZE OF GLORY

Seth: I gotta say, last year? Better than this year.
[...]
Ryan: Maybe it's because last year was new.

Ryan: Live in the now, Seth.
Seth: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't do that.

Kirsten: He wants to take it beyond gossip and dish. Focus on culture, the local art scene.
Sandy: So it's really more of a pamphlet than a magazine.

Seth: That guy worked an entire summer in construction. And also he enjoys architecture and burning stuff down.

Marissa: That's a good idea. Thanks.
Seth: Don't mention it... especially not to Summer.

Ryan: So... can I borrow Captain Oats?
Seth to Captain Oats: Oats? Now Ryan is going to use you as an
inspiration. Now, if he touches you any place weird... and by weird I mean whispers to Captain Oats, I want you to neigh as loud as you can.

Sandy: Julie, you scared me. More than usual.
Julie: Always a pleasure, Sanford.
Sandy: Only Caleb gets to call me Sanford because he won't not.

Sandy: So you started out with a porn director and ended up with Caleb. I'd consider that a lateral move.

Carter: This magazine is just a photo opportunity for 55 year old women with 25 year old breasts.
But this is chance to turn this community upside-down. Be subversive, irreverant.
Carter: I'd rather be drunk.

Seth: Did I say slept in a tent? What I mean to say is that they repented for lent.

Seth: Someone's going to kill me.

Ryan: I'm not going to the bonfire.
Julie: But you have go to the bonfire.
Ryan: What, are you and Seth working on the same team now?

Ryan: It's not about me, I'm here because of her mom.
Alex: What are you and Julie Cooper a team, now?

Marissa: Hey. I thought you weren't coming.
Ryan: Captain Oats was rather concerned that he wouldn't be represented.

Julie: I am so screwed.
Sandy: I know. I saw the footage.

THE BROTHERS GRIM

Ryan getting off the phone: That was Trey.
Kirsten: Your brother?
Ryan: Yeah. He's getting out of jail tomorrow. Wants me to pick him up in Chino.
Seth: Well, there's that family trip you wanted.

Kirsten: I know Trey is the only family that Ryan has and I do think that we should help him—
Sandy: But you're scared I'll want to adopt him.

Summer seeing Zach pull up on a Vespa: Oh my god, I'm having a panic spiral.

Julie: I made a mistake, Kiki. A naked mistake.
Kirsten: Excuse me?
Julie: A hundred years ago, a boyfriend convinced me to let him film me. In the act. I was young, living on ramen, and I needed the money.

Seth to Zach: Hey, man. You came back. People never leave and come back.

Seth: You're still an Atwood. Only a slightly more edgy, darker version. I think. But some people think Ryan's gotten more softer.
Trey: Ryan said you talk a lot.

Caleb: Is there anything else?
Julie: Well I made an adult film in the 80s with an ex-boyfriend whos is now threatening to to release it on the internet unless I pay him half a million dollars. And I would really like to redo the kitchen.

Zach: I'll always remember how you owned that Whack-a-Mole.

Summer: And you told Cohen because you knew it would get back to me.
Zach: Within minutes.

Ryan: Remember what happened last time you came to Chino?
Marissa: Yeah. I saved your ass.

Seth: I saw the high road there and I just did not take it on that one.

Julie: You can go on with your life, Cal. But I am never leaving this room. My Howard Hughes phase starts now

THE RISKY BUSINESS

Trey: Just ah, something I picked up in prison.
Seth entering: Ah yeah, the old scallion and shiv omelet. I've seen Lockup. Stallone's finest work since Over the Top.
Trey: Stallone, huh? Eh, I'm more of a Van Damme fan.
Ryan: What, are you kidding me? Segal, man.
Seth: Yeah, a divided house can not eat. Now we all gotta get together between a single action hero.

Sandy: So a charity event where the donors keep half the profits and a yardsale with no yard. Hm. So that's how they do it in the OC.

Sandy: Hey, guys. I'm chairing The OC Pseudo-Charity Non-Yard sale.
Seth: Hey, Dad, that's fantastic.
Ryan: Good luck with that.

Trey: This is the crystal egg from Risky Business?
Newpsie 2: Well it's not the F-14 from Top Gun.

Sandy: Joanne. Tell me you didn't order those napkin rings? This is not a mob wedding.

Sandy: Okay, folks, here's a beautiful Erté-esque statue. Yes, indeed. Very fetching. What do we start the bidding at? looks at sheet $75. I guess it's more "esque" than Erté.

Ryan: Okay, you stay here.
Seth: What are you going to do?
Ryan: I don't know.
Seth: Okay, I got a plan. The kind of plan that made me All-Camp Capture-the-Flag Champ Tahoe. And it is extremely stealth.

Ryan: Hey, go deep.
Seth to himself: This never worked in PE.

THE RAGER

Seth: He doesn't exactly seem overburdened with possessions. Unless that bag of his is like Mary Poppins. pause I wish I'd never made that reference.

Carter: Kirsten, congratulations. As of this morning you are a bona fide magazine publisher.
Kirsten: I know. The first issue's on the stands.
Carter: I was referring to our first libel suit.

Seth: Would you relax. He's probably just going to buy cigarettes.... Or getting into that suspicious looking Camaro.... With a guy that looks like Lou Reed.

Zach: What are you doing telling her I'm gay?
Seth: Now I said "gay vibe." I distinctly remember saying "gay vibe." And the two are very different.

Ryan: I think your mom would understand, don't you think? If she came home right now.
Marissa: Oh definitely. I mean, she did say Trey could have a beer.

Sandy to Trey: Keep your mouth shut. I'll meet you in jail. to the arresting officer Officer, I'm his lawyer.

THE OC CONFIDENTIAL

Seth: Okay, so when the cops showed up and asked who's responsible for the girl floating in the pool, he was like, what: "I'm an ex-con on parole. I know, I'll say me."

Seth: Are you thinking of going undercover? A high school sting operation? Because that would be very 21 Jump Street of you.
Ryan: Whatever it takes.
Seth: Yeah, okay. I get to be Richard Grieco.

David: Also, we're wondering about Cosmo Girl. Her magic flask. Could she get her power from like a magic sport drink, instead? The thing is, legal's like worried about lawsuits from the parents of teen alcoholics. Um... oh, the Ironist. Boy, a little cerebral.
Seth: Is he being ironic?

Jessica to Summer: How 'bout you?
Summer: Hm? Oh no, strictly ganga. Yeah, what's from the Earth is of the greatest worth.
Marissa as Jessica walks away: I'm gonna kill you.

Lance: No pre-nup?
Julie: I think a porn scandal more than nullifies that.

Kirsten: How many wines have we tasted?
Carter: According to my notes (checks notes) I stopped taking notes.
Kirsten: Should we fire ourselves for drinking on the job?
Carter: Drinking was the job. And I did my job rather well because I'm hammered.

Carter: Could you possibly find a driver tonight? We failed to make use of the silver bucket.
Server: Are you staying locally?
Carter: Ah, no. Orange County, actually.
Server: Ew. I'm sorry.

THE RETURN OF THE NANA

Seth: I don't believe it, Ryan. Bright Eyes has two albums in the top ten.
Ryan: You okay with that?
Seth: Yeah I just feel like the rest of the world's finally caught up to me. It's a little bit scary.
Ryan: Yeah, it's a lot scary.
Seth: Tell me I'm still special.

Sandy: You know the Nana and her schedule. Friday night's Mah Jongg.
Seth: What? Since when's Friday night Mah Jongg? That totally throws off my schedule.

Summer after clocking Zach: Zach! I'm so sorry. Are you okay? I was in a rage blackout and my therapist told me boxing might help me work through it,

Seth: I can't believe she beat me.
Ryan: I can. Can we eat now?
Seth: Absolutely not. I won't go down like that. These people look up to me. I'm like a god to them.

Seth: So what kind of dancing are we talking about? A little Jazz Step, a little Soft Shoe?
Mary Sue: Actually, it's not quite a dance contest.
Seth: It isn't?
Mary Sue: No. pulls out whipped cream
Ryan: She's got whipped cream, Seth.
Seth: Yeah, I know. Maybe she's... baking a cake.
Mary Sue: See, I'm gonna cover myself with whipped cream, and you're gonna lick it all off and eat a cherry out of my mouth before any of the other contestants.
Seth: Did she say cherry?
Mary Sue: If we win it would mean so much to my grandma. Not having to worry about my college loans. With all the money she spends on medication.
Seth: Yeah. It's for Grandma. What exactly does she have?
Ryan: Yeah, we'll just hope Summer hasn't paid her cable bill.

Bobby: She's a great lady, huh? Your mom. Quite the pistol.
Sandy: I always thought of her as more of an AK-47.

Bible Beater Boyfriend: ...but her best friend told me she entered some contest down here. Immodestly revealing her body for money.
Ryan: Well, Spring Break. That does happen.
BBB: Doesn't where we're from.
Ryan: Where's that?
BBB: Bob Jones University. If they find out what she's doing here, she'll be expelled. Which won't matter when she's burning in hell.
Ryan: Mm. Yeah, that's rough.
BBB: Worst part is, I think she's cheating on me with whoever her partner in sin is. That's why I brought my boys with me.
Seth: Oh, yeah? Your frat brothers?
BBB: Bible Study Buddies.

Seth: Who are those guys?
Ryan: Uh, they're in the same Bible study class.
Seth: Oh. Think we could convince them to turn the other cheek?

THE SHOWDOWN

Sandy: Do you think I look like Tony Blair?
Kirsten: Uh, you have nicer hair.
Sandy: Good hair, leader of Great Britain. I would call it a wash.

Summer: You know, I really thought things were going to be different this time, but you haven't changed at all. You've found new and even more public ways of disappointing me.

Caleb: You spent two hours making Eggs Benedict for a man with a heart condition. Doesn't that seem a little insane to you?

Knockon the door
Kirsten: Come in! Oh, hey, Claire. What is it?
Claire: The men were cleaning out Carter's office and they found this with a note saying it should be given it to you.
I had to include a quote from The OC from a Claire. Yay, Claires.

Seth: All this time I thought you were a nice guy.
Zach: Wake up. I'm a water polo player. We're never nice guys.

Zach: It's gonna take a little more than quick quips and pop culture-laden bromides to win Little Miss Vixen.
Seth: So it's war.
Zach: It's war.

Caleb: So what's today's heart attack special, Julie? Deep-fried ribs? Steak Tartar? That Supersize guy oughta spend some time with you.

Ryan: Seth, please tell me you're not using the Comic Book Club to spy on Summer and Zach.
Cut to Comic Book Club member spying on Summer and Zach.

Julie: Oh my gosh. How much vodka did you put in this?
Kirsten: Normal amount. Little less.

Reed: Summer, Seth and Zach have talent. They could have careers in comics. But you are the Nico of the group.
Summer: I'm sorry. I don't get references before 1990.

THE O.Sea

As Seth comes to visit Ryan in the early morning
Ryan: What time is it?
Seth: It's 5:30... ish.
Ryan: You're showing up earlier and earlier.
Seth: Yeah, well, we had a lot of ground to cover, so I figured, since we're both up, we may as well get a jump on it.

Julie: Sandy, I did not come here to talk about myself. But as long as we're on the subject, I could kind of use your advice.
Sandy: Hey, if this involves you being naked, please: you gotta warn me.

Seth: ...Comedy is just tragedy plus time.
Like this quote? Check out the shirt.

Caleb: I see you pulled out all the stops. One last ditch effort to stop this divorce from going forward.
Julie: God! Paranoid, much?

Seth: So we ended up— well, we flipped a coin.
George Lucas: You flipped a coin?
Seth: Yeah. And you know, it sounds crazy, but at the time—

Caleb: You know, I really did love you, Ju-Ju.
Julie: Ooh. Past tense. That stings.
Caleb: Sorry. Grammatical error.

Seth rushing in to prom: Sorry I'm late. I was caught in traffic. realizing with dawning horror: I'm on stage.
Crowd Member: You're not Zach Stevens!
Seth: No, I'm not.
Emcee Guy: I think you should step down.
Crowd Member: Seth Cohen's a tool!
[...]
Crowd Member: But he's a tool!

THE DEARLY BELOVED

Sandy at Caleb's funeral: Caleb Nichol was not a man of many words. He was however a brilliant man. He leaves a legacy of possibility. But his true achievement were his children. He was a caring father, a wonderful grandfather, a truly terrible father-in-law... So, he may be gone, but he won't soon be forgotten. Rest in peace, Caleb. And if you can't do that, I'm sure heaven could use a few more McMansions.

Hailey: So you moved to Hawaii. How is it?
Jimmy: It's fantastic. You would not believe the North Shore.
Hailey: So I've heard.

Julie: If it would help, I could take over Kirsten Watch for awhile.
Sandy: I don't know if anything's gonna help.
Julie: So then let her glower at me. I'm used to it.
Sandy: Unfortunately, so am I these days. Thank you Julie.

Seth about the Bait Shop: Do I still even work here? I should find out for tax purposes.

Trey: I was helping Jess out and it got a little outta control.
Ryan: Story of your life, right?
Trey: Yeah, but that was it, man. I told her I'm done.
Ryan: Done. You've been done before, too.
Trey: Dude, I know, but Jess turned out to be a little crazier than I expected.
Ryan: Really? That a surprise considering you met her face down in a pool.

Sandy: You are a part of it. Whether you want to be or not. You want to run away again? Get in your boat and sail away? Your mother needs you.
Enter Ryan
Sandy: Come on in Ryan, you should hear this.
Seth: Yeah, apparently mom's a drunk and today's the intervention. So plan your afternoon accordingly.

Kirsten: Oh, don't you say a word. I let you into this house.
Ryan: Yeah, you did. Because my own mom couldn't take care of me. Because she wouldn't get help even though I asked her to. I don't want to see that happen again to someone I love.

Jimmy: What if I decided to stay? What if we gave it another shot? We're both older and wiser now.
Julie: We'll, I'm certainly wiser.

Seth: This whole floating in the pool thing is not really helping.
Ryan: Yeah, I hear you.
Seth: Neither is video games or the wisdom of Chuck Klosterman.
Ryan: You know, we should get out of the house. Hit an old folks home, some shuffleboard action.
Seth: I'm not really in the mood for old people.
Ryan: IMAX movie? Something with sharks?
Seth: Eh, I don't like sharks.
Doorbell rings
Seth: The way things have been going, I bet that's Oliver.

Ryan: All year, I have tried to be a different person. I can't do that anymore.
Seth: Wait, Ryan, what are you gonna do?
Ryan: I'm gonna settle this with Trey. Once and for all.

Marissa: Hey, what's going on?
Seth: Well, we're on our way to Trey's, but you're closer. Maybe you can stop him.
Marissa: What are you talking about?
Seth: Ryan knows.

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