Quotes from The OC

Kirsten Cohen (Kelly Rowan)

THE MODEL HOME

Seth: You remember the meatloaf incident of '98?
Kirsten Cohen: That was brisket.
Seth: That's my point exactly.

THE GAMBLE

Kirsten: Ryan's gonna stay with us now.

THE DEBUT

Kirsten: Seth, we need to talk to Ryan.
Seth: Okay. If this has to do with the rug, I just want to tell you that Ryan had nothing to do with it.
Kirsten: What rug?

THE RESCUE

Kirsten: We're leaving.
Sandy: But I wore a jacket!

THE HEIGHTS

Kirsten: Doesn't Seth look rad?
Sandy: Seth does look rad. Mad props, son.

THE HOMECOMING

Kirsten: You think Ryan's okay?
Sandy: I think he'll be okay. He needs to do this.
Kirsten: Okay. Let me get in there, do some flipping.
Sandy: No no! Honey, honey! Seth really likes corn.
Kirsten: How do you expect me to get better?
Sandy: I don't. I'm sorry, but I don't. I'm sory, but the boys and I made a pact.
Kirsten: A pact?
Sandy: A solemn promise.
Kirsten: When?
Sandy: You were in the bathroom.

Kirsten: We're just working away.
Seth: Okay, if by "we" you're referring to yourself then somebody violated the pact.
Kirsten: I am merely opening the wine. A skill I feel confident about.
Seth: No argument here.

Caleb: Well it looks like we'll be here awhile. to Kirsten Ready to talk?
Kirsten to all: Fresh margs?

THE LINKS

Kirsten offering Hailey a muffin: Pumpkin muffin?
Sandy: Yes, darling?

Kirsten: She looks good. Her spirits are high.
Caleb: She's high?
Kirsten: No. She's doing good. She's very up.
Caleb: She's on uppers?

THE RIVALS

Kirsten: Aspirational? Is that even a word?

THE TRUTH

Kirsten: You want me to break up with her?
Caleb: I knew you would understand.

THE HEARTBREAK

Sandy: Lots of couples golf together.
Kirsten: Shortly before dying of old age.

Seth: Dad, I need advice about women.
Sandy: You've come to the master.
Kirsten snickers
Sandy: You married me.
Kirsten: I was young, impressionable, and drunk.
Seth: Only child, right here.

Kirsten: Sometimes you make it so hard to hate you.
Sandy: I know!

THE TELENOVELA

Kirsten: He's a consultant.
Sandy: Could you be please be a little more vague?
Kirsten: He knows people.
Sandy: You did it. That was more vague.

Kirsten: I sense sarcasm.
Seth: Well, you're perceptive, mother.

Sandy: You did musicals? I did a musical when I was in college.
Kirsten: Oh, please, someone stop him before he breaks into "Greased Lightening."
Seth: Do it, Dad! Travolta's your bitch!

THE PROPOSAL

Kirsten: My dad is marrying Julie Cooper.
Sandy: Maybe you need another bottle.

Caleb: I need to get back to my bride-to-be.
Kirsten: Oh yeah. Definitely need to vomit.

THE SHOWER

Kirsten: So he bought your acceptance?
Sandy: At a really high price.

Ryan about Julie: I can't believe your mom's into heavy metal.
Kirsten: I can't believe she ever went to Anaheim.

Kirsten about her coffee: It's so good. It's only 1500 calories per sip.

Sandy: What am I supposed to do?
Kirsten: Explain it to him. Instead of matching him glare-for-glare.

Sandy: So, are you ready to face the happy couple?
Kirsten: You mean the gruesome twosome?

Kirsten to Theresa: I have some concealer upstairs you can use. Works miracles.
Sandy: She's right. You should see her without it. Horrible.

Julie: Oh my god. Did she just say "monster trucks"?
Kirsten: You were into monster trucks?
Julie: I better get over there or there won't even be a wedding.

Kirsten: I am never throwing another party again.
Sandy: Don't tease.

THE STRIP

Kirsten:Not that I have any affection for The Vegas.
Sandy: I love The Vegas.
Seth: Ryan, how do you feel about The Vegas?
Ryan: I've never been to The Vegas.

Hailey: Can I ask you? How do you get yourself into these things?
Kirsten: I don't know.

Kirsten: There are four male strippers, dressed as firemen dancing in our living room.
Sandy: Theme-stripping. You gotta love that.
Kirsten: Oh, wait, now they're not dressed as anything at all.
Sandy: Try to keep them off of the furniture, honey.

THE TIES

Kirsten on the phone, about Caleb: And he hates carnies.
Sandy: Note to self: hang with carnies.

Kirsten: I have my secret recipe. It's takeout.

Kirsten to Theresa: You won't want to drive. I'm an excellent driver and an amazing parker.

Sandy to Ryan: And Kirsten's not even a hugger.
Kirsten: You always know how to ruin a moment.

THE DISTANCE

Kirsten: Are you doing that thing where you think that I'm ignoring you, so you start speaking gibberish to see if I'm listening?
Sandy: Aw. You were listening.
Kirsten: Nope.

Sandy: Sometimes the best thing is for a kid to have some space.
Kirsten: The Pacific Ocean? That's space?

THE WAY WE WERE

Sandy: What I said in there, it wasn't about you.
Kirsten: Thank god. 'Cause you were scary.

Kirsten: Sandy?
Sandy: Honey, I'm mid-shmear.

THE NEW KID ON THE BLOCK

Kirsten: You quit?
Sandy: Quit slash got fired.

Sandy: Does the light of dawn make any of this easier to take?
Kirsten: Harder, actually.

THE SnOC

Kirsten: I don't want you getting into trouble over this.
Sandy: Oh, honey, I think it's a little late for that.

The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasnt't

Kirsten: Oy, humbug
Seth: Oy, humbug.

FAMILY TIES

Jimmy: I've got terrible news, really. I've fallen in love with my ex-wife.
Sandy: You were married before Julie?
Kirsten: You're in love with Julie?

Kirsten: Ah! If it isn't my son the wino.
Seth: You guys found out?
Kirsten: Well, you weren't exactly stealth.

THE POWER OF LOVe

Seth: If you're alone, cough twice.
Ryan: I'm alone.

Seth: I call this part "prepping the oven."

Sandy: Nothing like Julie Cooper to put fear into the hearts of children.

Sandy: We can't fight a war on multiple fronts. Have we learned nothing from the Nazis?

Marissa: Who's Kofi Annan?
Summer: Some guy Zach's mom knows. I think he works for United Airlines.

THE EX-FACTOR

Kirsten: We have ordered enough for a small army.

Kirsten to Julie: Oh my. There's so much you here.

THE ACCOMPLICE

Gail: As you can see, t's a bit of a fixer-upper.
Kirsten: That's one way to put it.
Sandy: Who are you kidding, Gail? This place is a first-class dump. And I like it!

Kirsten: You're going to prison?
Sandy: Oh, just for the day.

THE SECOND CHANCE

Kirsten: Ryan, whatever you did can be undone. Candies, flowers? Work miracles.
Ryan: Actually it's not something I did. Although thanks for your confidence. It's your dad.
Kirsten: Ah, the one man impervious to miracles. What happened?
Ryan: Well, Lindsay reached out to him. Or I did for her. There was a meal. Um, there was supposed to be a meal. Um... we went to a restaurant.
Kirsten: Oh, god, What did he say?
Ryan: He didn't actually take out his checkbook, but he might as well have.
Kirsten: He thought she wanted money? Wow, he must have gotten her confused with my other sister... Or his wife.
Ryan: Look, I'm not the biggest fan of your dad—no offense—but I mean, Luke Skywalker was happy to have a dad, even if it was Darth Vader.
Kirsten: You're right, she needs a dad.

Kirsten: You accused her of wanting money! Not that you've ever viewed that as a personality flaw before.
Caleb: Well, she turned up with that inland street thug!

Kirsten: Well didn't you use that Luke Skywalker/Darth Vader analogy?
Ryan: She poked a serious hole in that analogy.

I gotta say, Kirsten/Ryan Time is my new favorite Time.

Kirsten: Listen, nobody has been crushed by our dad more than me.
Lindsay: Hey, well, there's a club I want to join.

Kirsten after Caleb's heart attack: That's the last time I try cooking.

Caleb: Actually I've never been better.
Kirsten: Are you on morphine?

THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB

Kirsten: Don't try to get off on a technicality. This is about our marriage.

THE TEST

Kirsten: Have you seen Seth?
Sandy: Well I've smelled him. Smells like Teen Spirit to me.

Sandy: The FBI was here.
Kirsten: Well it wouldn't be the Cohen house if didn't have law enforcement.

THE RAINY DAY WOMEN

Sandy: I feel like we've become like strangers.
Kirsten: Well, I was told never to talk to strangers.

Kirsten: Well, my husband is currently transporting his fugitive former flame.
Julie to Kirsten: I'll see your fugitive former flame and raise you a lesbian daughter.

Kirsten: Lindsay, no matter what happens, you'll always be a part of the family.
Caleb: I couldn't have said it better myself.

Kirsten: You took the bus.
Sandy: I told you, nothing could keep me away from you.
Kirsten: Is it over?
Sandy: I can promise you it never started.

THE BLAZE OF GLORY

Kirsten: He wants to take it beyond gossip and dish. Focus on culture, the local art scene.
Sandy: So it's really more of a pamphlet than a magazine.

Carter: This magazine is just a photo opportunity for 55 year old women with 25 year old breasts.
Kirsten: But this is chance to turn this community upside-down. Be subversive, irreverant.
Carter: I'd rather be drunk.

THE BROTHERS GRIM

Kirsten: I know Trey is the only family that Ryan has and I do think that we should help him—
Sandy: But you're scared I'll want to adopt him.

Julie: I made a mistake, Kiki. A naked mistake.
Kirsten: Excuse me?
Julie: A hundred years ago, a boyfriend convinced me to let him film me. In the act. I was young, living on ramen, and I needed the money.

THE RISKY BUSINESS

Kirsten: Sandy, it's an honorary chair. A figure-head position. You'd be the master of ceremonies, like an auctioneer. And you know what an MC has.
Sandy: An unfair advantage. You know the opponent's weakness.
Kirsten: That's right. A microphone. On stage. With an audience. A captive audience.
Sandy: And a few showtunes, perhaps.
Kirsten: You just have to go by the Club today and say hello.
Sandy: Just a figurehead?
Kirsten: With a mic.

Sandy: We were talking about hanging out next week. Maybe get some drinks.
Kirsten: Well he definitely likes drinks. takes a sip of wine

THE RAGER

Carter: Kirsten, congratulations. As of this morning you are a bona fide magazine publisher.
Kirsten: I know. The first issue's on the stands.
Carter: I was referring to our first libel suit.
Kirsten: What?

THE OC CONFIDENTIAL

Kirsten: Except for my hair issues, great call on the convertible.
Carter: Well, that's the way the California coast was meant to be seen. And your hair looks great.
Kirsten: Liar. For your punishment I control the radio on the way home.
Carter: No. No one who has won on American Idol ever sings in my car.

Kirsten: How many wines have we tasted?
Carter: According to my notes (checks notes) I stopped taking notes.
Kirsten: Should we fire ourselves for drinking on the job?
Carter: Drinking was the job. And I did my job rather well because I'm hammered.

Kirsten: Neither of us are actually in the right shape to drive just yet, so—.
Sandy: A little too much of the Indian Spirit, huh?

THE RETURN OF THE NANA

Kirsten: What happened?
Seth: Is everything alright?
Sandy: The Nana. Headed for the altar.
Kirsten: She's getting married?
Sandy: Pack your bags. We're going to Miami.
Seth: Alright. Shuffleboard, Mah Jonng, dinner at 4. This is going to be the best Spring Break ever.

Carter: So, I hope you don't think I'm jumping ship.
Kirsten: Because you are.

THE SHOWDOWN

Sandy: Do you think I look like Tony Blair?
Kirsten: Uh, you have nicer hair.
Sandy: Good hair, leader of Great Britain. I would call it a wash.

Knockon the door
Kirsten: Come in! Oh, hey, Claire. What is it?
Claire: The men were cleaning out Carter's office and they found this with a note saying it should be give it to you.

Yeah, it's not a particularly memorable quote, but I had to include a quote from The OC from a Claire.

Julie: Oh my gosh. How much vodka did you put in this?
Kirsten: Normal amount. Little less.

THE O.Sea

Caleb: Did you give any thought to your kids?
Kirsten: I am a good mother.
Caleb: You are also an alcoholic. Your mother was one, too. She did her best to hide it, but I always knew.
Kirsten: Why do you think mom drank the way she did? Why do you think Hailey left the house at 17? If this family is screwed up it's because of you.
Caleb: I gave you everything you ever needed.
Kirsten: I may like my Chardonnay but I am not going to die alone and that's more than I can say for you!

THE DEARLY BELOVED

Kirsten to Hailey: Nothing made him more proud than your getting your life together. Me? Last time I saw him I told him he was going to die alone.

Kirsten: Oh, don't you say a word. I let you into this house.
Ryan: Yeah, you did. Because my own mom couldn't take care of me. Because she wouldn't get help even though I asked her to. I don't want to see that happen again to someone I love.

THE END OF INNOCENCE

Kirsten: I'm home.

THE LAST WALTZ

Kirsten: Dr. [Butcher?] said I should confront my fears. And mine is cooking.
Sandy: So's mine.
Kirsten: Well, we'll confront my cooking together.

Kirsten about the Newport Group: It's time to let it go.
Sandy: I'll handle everything.

THE PERFECT STORM

Kirsten to the boys: Sit. You are having Eggs Benedict Gruyere avec Paté de Foie.
Sandy: Something smells... fancy.

Kirsten: You know you're going to be exposed to a lot of new things in college next year.
Seth: Yeah, horny co-eds and alcohol poisoning. I just don't think they're gonna have French fusion on the menu.

Kirsten: Oh Julie. It's a really good investment. And if you need help with the down payment—
Julie about the condos: I'm not destitute, Kirsten. I'm discerning.

Kirsten: So you want to, what? Throw him a going away dinner?
Sandy: That's not a bad idea.
Marissa: Wait, where's he going?

THE SWELLS

Charlotte: Sounds like a wonderful cause.
Julie: So you'll help us throw it?
Kirsten: Actually I told myself I'd wait awhile until I jump back into all that. You know those Newpsies. Make you want to drink.

Kirsten: I thought you loathed corporate America.
Sandy: Oh I do. I loathe it all. The greed, Republicans, navy suits.

THE ANGER MANAGEMENT

Sandy: I fired four people today. I'm not sure I'm cut out for this job.
Kirsten: I'm glad you're upset.
Sandy: Good pep talk!
Kirsten: It means you care.

Sandy: I forget. You are your father's daughter.
Kirsten: No. I'm your wife.
Sandy: Good answer.

THE GAME PLAN

Kirsten: Sandy, I'm going crazy.
Sandy: What?
Kirsten: It's the sifting, the kneading, the measuring. I can't take it anymore. I need to get out of the kitchen.

Julie: Kirsten, I don't need your charity.
Kirsten: Then why are you living in a trailer? I'm sorry. I followed you yesterday.
Julie: Well, then I certainly hope you're opening up a detective agency.

Sandy: ...I didn't have a costume so when I went over to pick her up I put a bag over my head.
Kirsten: I felt like I was dating the Elephant Man.

THE DISCONNECT

Kirsten: Who wants to see their maids nude?
Julie: Not maids, Kirsten. They're strippers.
Kirsten: Who wants a stripper doing their laundry?

Julie: Sandy, I don't think I'm in favor of low income housing.
Kirsten: Julie, you live in a trailer park.
Julie: And I'm highly motivated to change my circumstances. If you make being poor too comfortable, what's the incentive to get rich? Believe me, if anyone should know.
Sandy: On that uplifting note, I'll leave you two to hash out the finer points of the free market economy.

Julie: You know what I'm really craving? Sweet corn ravioli. Or do you think that will be too heavy with the crab cakes?
Kirsten: What I think is that you don't find this business very interesting.
Julie: I'm sorry, Kiki. I've just been eating a lot of Ramen lately.
Kirsten: Julie, if this business works, you'll never have to boil your dinner again.

Kirsten: Do you and your guests want dinner in the dining room, or— oh, the terrace would be nice.
Jeff: Well, let me ask my guest. to Julie Dining room or terrace?
Julie: Excuse me?
Jeff: I haven't invited anyone. I was hoping, Julie, that you might join me for dinner.
Kirsten: Mr. XYZ, if this is a joke it's not funny. I spent two days cooking and Julie bought a Flower Mart.
Jeff: One dinner, please. I'll pay what I promised. I just want the chance to get to know you better.
Kirsten: Julie, we're leaving.
Julie: You did all this for a date with me?
Kirsten: Fine. But you're serving yourselves.
Julie: Hungry?
Jeff: Nope.

THE CHRISMUKKAH BAR MITZ-VAHKKAH

Sandy: You mark my words. This will be the best Chrismukkah ever.
Kirsten: You're beginning to sound like Seth.
Sandy: Well, that just means you'll miss him less when he's gone.

Kirsten: I came to see how you were.
Julie: I'm great. Some of the neighbors are having a cock fight in an hour using stray dogs. It's a holiday tradition. My money's on the feisty Weimaraner.
Kirsten: Good. 'Cause I'm awful.
Julie: I'm spitting Skol into a can, drinking wine from a bottle I unscrewed, and living in a home that—if I wanted to—I could put in reverse. I'm beyond awful.

Sandy: What did I tell ya!
Kirsten: Best. Chrismukkah. Ever.

THE SISTER ACT

Kirsten: Veronica. What are you doing here?
Veronica: Hello, Kirsten. I hear you and Julie are starting a new dating service. I want you to set me up with the delicious Dr. Neil Roberts.
Kirsten: The father of Marissa's best friend? The girl you called "Little Miss Columbine" at last week's board meeting?

Kirsten: Sandy, there you are. I have to talk to you about Veronica Townsend and... you-know-who.
Seth: Now we have a quorum.
Sandy: What happened?
Kirsten: There are factors of which I was not aware when I had you set them up.
Seth: Wait. You set them up?
Kirsten: Veronica wanted to go on a date with Summer's dad. And she threatened to make Marissa's life hell if we didn't set them up. Neil agreed as a favor.
Sandy: Look, Neil's a smart guy. If he wants to go on a second date with her maybe he sees something in her that we don't.
Summer: Huh?
Seth: What the hockey?
Kirsten: No no no.
Sandy: No. Okay. Okay, fine. But we have to make sure that she's the one who ends it. If Neil starts to pull away, she might take it out on Marissa.
Seth: Genital warts. Is the answer.

Julie: Tonight we launch Newport's first exclusive dating service: New Match. Because whether you're gay, straight, single, divorced, nearly-divorced. In a world of wealth and luxury, the only thing really worth pursuing is a soul mate.
Kirsten: So drink up, enjoy, and flirt.

THE POT STIRRER

Kirsten: I just know that when you wooed me, there was no caviar and champagne, and you did alright.
Sandy: I should take Bill Merriam out for pizza and bad wine in the back of a mail truck.
Kirsten: I mean show him who you are beyond schedules and budgets. And who knows, maybe he loves pizza.

Julie about Neil: Yes, he is a gentleman.
Kirsten: Is he?
Julie: Kirsten, please. We've hardly had a real date. We haven't even kissed.
Kirsten: But he offered his house for Kaitlin's birthday. I'd say that's a good sign.
Julie: It is a beautiful house. Although I was thinking you could change out the marble in the entrance hall. And some of the furniture—
Kirsten: Julie. Since you haven't kissed yet you might want to hold off on the redecorating.

THE CLIFF HANGER

Julie: I know you've been married for, like, 200 years, but you must remember something about dating.
Kirsten: Well I hope so or I'm in the wrong business.

Julie: I'm impressed. You're sneakier than I thought, Kirsten Cohen.
Kirsten: Well, being around you all these years, it's rubbed off.

Julie: It's my own fault. I let you do the scheming. Clearly not your wheelhouse. From now on if someone needs to be manipulated we put me in charge.
Kirsten: Fair enough. Laura Cross. I don't know her.
Julie: Well, she'll probably marry him, and enjoy a life of free brow lifts. Anyway, I am going to get to know her and find out what I'm up against.
Kirsten: Don't tell me you're going to spy on her.
Julie: I tried taking your advice, KiKi. And quite frankly, it sucked. From now on we do things the Julie Cooper way.
Kirsten: Julie Cooper, be careful.

Sandy: Who would have thought the Newport Group would be where I go for to a moment of Zen?
Kirsten: You know, sometimes this job makes you do a lot of hard thinking.
Sandy: I want this hospital more than I've wanted anything in a long time.
Kirsten: Then you can't let Matt's relationship with Maya Griffin stand in your way. FOr all you know, she could be using him too. Or they could live happily ever after. The point is, if you want this as bad as I think you do, you have to go for it.
Sandy: So where is the line?
Kirsten: I'm not worried about you knowing where the line is. You always do. It's who you are.

THE HEAVY LIFTING

Kirsten: Julie, last time you went on a stealth mission, you toppled the dessert tray.
Julie: Yeah, but it did get his attention.

Kirsten about the switched gift: This is a fantasy I'm not aware of.

THE ROAD WARRIOR

Kirsten: Maybe you two should stop sneaking around and go public.
Julie: I don't disagree. And neither does my chiropractor.

Summer: My dad has disastrous taste in women. If I don't step in he'll wind up with the first money-grubbing slutbag that gets into the backseat of his Mazerati.
Kirsten: Julie, would you like to take this?

THE JOURNEY

Kirsten: Ryan, I forgot to ask. Do you have any request for your birthday on Sunday?
Seth: Sunday's your birthday?
Ryan: Thanks buddy.
Sandy: Not just any birthday. Ryan's turning 16. Becoming a fully franchised citizen of this great democratic experiment we call America.
Seth: Yes, we all know you went to law school. The important thing is we need a party.

Kirsten walks in on Sandy packing a suitcase
Kirsten: Wow. The day has finally come. Sandy Cohen is leaving me.

THE UNDERTOW

Kirsten: Girl problems?
Ryan: Safe bet usually, but actually this is more complicated.
Kirsten: Is it that girl Jessica?
Ryan: Yeah. And my brother. Just trying to prevent another casualty of Trey.
Kirsten: So you're trying to save this girl?
Ryan: That's the thing I do.
Kirsten: Look, we love Marissa, she's family, and, she means a lot to us but she's been through so much. And you got pulled into that.
Ryan: Yeah, well, some of that was my fault. But you're right. I can't argue with you.
Kirsten: You should never argue with a woman who's here to disucuss women. Have we mentioned that we love Sadie? She's smart and she's grounded.
Ryan: And I am trying, trying not to screw it up.
Kirsten: Just because a girl isn't tied to some train tracks, doesn't mean she should be ignored.

THE SECRETS AND LIES

Seth: Tense, tightly-wound shut-in. That's all I want out of you, okay? It's kind of a Boo Radley-shade. Far away from The Bait Shop and all of it's unsavory characters.

Kirsten: Hey handsome men!
Seth and Sandy: Where?
Seth: Ah, I just made the same joke as my dad. That's a bad sign.
Sandy: Your father happens to be hilarious. It's just hard to tell these days.

Kirsten: I don't know if I'm a fan of Yakuza films. It was an interesting movie. But a fun night.

THE DAWN PATROL

Sandy: You'd think after sending two kids to Harbor they could cough up more than two tickets per student.
Kirsten: He's just worried about The Nana.
Sandy: She is an excellent clapper.
Kirsten: She can do the two-finger whistle.
Seth: And she's never taken a picture out of focus.

Kirsten: I went competely overboard and made you a ridiculously gigantic sandwich for the plane.
Ryan: Thanks. Looking forward to it.
Kirsten: And I booked you a car service to go anywhere and everywhere.
Ryan: No, that's alright. I can take a cab.
Kirsten: Just humor me. I worry enough.

Kirsten: Well whatever happens, you have at least one proud mother watching you when you graduate.
Ryan: Thanks.

THE COLLEGE TRY

Sandy: You told him?
Kirsten: I didn't think Ryan would come home.
Sandy: Oh, you know Ryan better than that.
Kirsten: It just happened. You weren't there. You had to take a business call.
Sandy: Oh, so you told Ryan about Theresa to punish me.

Kirsten: I'd like to propose a toast. To Sandy Cohen. Who has told me countless times over the past year how important this hospital is to him.
Julie to Neil: Ouch.
Kirsten: You know, they say that when you grow up you marry your father. I thought I'd escaped that.

THE PARTY FAVOR

Kirsten: When are we gonna talk about us?
Sandy: In public again, or were you thinking about something a little more private this time?
Kirsten: I'm sorry I attacked you. But it at least got you to listen.

Kirsten: Julie, last week at dinner I had a drink.
Julie: What? Oh my god.
Kirsten: Now it was the first in eleven months, it was only one glass, and I've been going to AA meetings every day. But it happened.
Julie: Have you talked to Sandy about this?
Kirsten: No. I tried before. I could feel it coming.
Julie: Kirsten, you have to tell him.
Kirsten: That the stress of our marriage has triggered my drinking?
Julie: Yes. That's exactly what you say.
Kirsten: I am not going to use my alcoholism to save our marriage. If he can't value it for what it is, then what is the point?
Julie: Then what are you going to do?
Kirsten: I don't know.

THE MAN OF THE YEAR

Kirsten: Responsible for development? Sandy, the only thing that's responsible for is a lot of sleepless nights and Matt Ramsey's black eye. You know my father was Man of the Year.
Sandy: The irony is not lost on me, believe me.

Kirsten: Why don't you say good morning to Newport's Man of the Year.
Seth: I knew it was only a matter of time before this town recognized my contribution to this community.
Ryan: You'd have to be a man first. Congratulations, Sandy.

Julie: Speaking as someone who's had to manage more than her share of scandal, you need to contain this ASAP.
Kirsten: Julie, I appreciate the heads up. Sandy's gonna take this really hard.
Julie: Sandy knows. Neil told him at dinner last night.

Sandy: Honey, I promise you I'll do everything in my power not to let this land on the family.
Kirsten: It already has.

THE GRADUATES

Dawn: Wow. It seems like forever since I've been here.
Kirsten: Let me take your bags.
Dawn: Of course maybe I was just too drunk to remember. Kidding. I'm doing good.
Kirsten: It seems that way.

THE AVENGERS

Seth: Table set for four. Still feels kind of weird.
Sandy: Well things have been a little weird around here lately. Tonight might not be any different. We shouldn't be expecting any miracles.
Seth: No zippy one-liners.
Kirsten: Not a lot of smiles.
Sandy: Few grunts. Occasional shrug.
Seth: Yeah, it'll be just like old times.
Sandy: And I'm looking forward to it.

Sandy: Ryan, it's Sandy again. The microwave still works if you feel like dropping by. And even if you don't, please call, huh? Let us know you're okay.
Kirsten: Should we call the police? Hospitals?
Seth: No, mom, He's fine. Well he's not fine, but he's not coming.
Kirsten: Well even if Ryan didn't want to come, Ryan would have called. Ryan always calls.

Sandy to Ryan about the slideshow: You don't have to talk. You don't have to listen.
Kirsten: All you have to do is watch.

THE GRINGOS

Sandy: You know what I think this is?
Kirsten: A coded message.
Sandy: Nothing. Probably the name of a band. Seth wrote it on a paper and put it in his pocket. Relax, sweetheart. phone rings Hello.
Seth: Dad, it's me. Did you get my note? I had to write it in code in case Ryan found it.
Sandy: Right. The note.

Sandy: Are we crazy coming here?
Kirsten: Driving all night to a foreign country where neither of us speak the language and we only have a vague notion of where they are? Yeah. That's a little crazy.
Sandy: How much longer do we keep doing this—rescuing them every time they're in trouble?
Kirsten: I don't know. But for now, I think that's our job.

Ryan: Seth set me up, didn't he?
Kirsten: He called. He was worried.
Sandy: C'mon, let's go home.
Ryan: Why? So we can pretend like everything's the way it used to be?
Sandy: We all miss her. It's never going to be like the way it used to be. But we are still a family.
Ryan: You don't understand—he's here.
Seth walking in: No. He's gone.

Kirsten: You okay? You hungry? Ryan is silent This was my worst nightmare. When you first came to live with us. That Seth would follow you somewhere and get hurt.
Ryan: I know I shouldn't have taken him. I'm sorry.
Kirsten: I was going to say, all this changes. Now [that] I have two children to worry about.

THE COLD TURKEY

Sandy comforting Kirsten: It's Thanksgiving. You just watch, this family's going to come together for the holidays. It's what we Cohens do.

Kirsten: When a kid is stealing stuffing in my kitchen, that's usually a sign that something is wrong.
Taylor: I would talk to you, Mrs. Cohen, but this is simply too private.
Kirsten: I'll make you a plate of food.
Taylor: Livingroom?

Taylor about her marriage: I'm just too afraid to tell my mom now.
Kirsten: I've known your mom for a long time. She might be tough but she's your mom. Which means that she loves you no matter what.
Taylor: That's so sweet. And totally wrong.

THE METAMORPHOSIS

Sandy: You know, Jimmy left, Caleb died, then Jimmy left again. Even Neil's gone. Look, I wasn't a pennant winner but at least I had a bullpen, you know. That's baseball talk.
Kirsten: Got it.

Sandy's cellphone goes off as Spitz is taking a swing
Sandy: I'm so sorry, man. I'm so sorry. It's the office. I'm turning it off.
Jason: I think I hit your car anyway.

Julie: Kirsten, I feel like I'm coming down with something. I'm not feeling so hot. Do you mind if I take a raincheck on our girls night in?
Kirsten: Julie, did you just put on lipstick?
Julie: What? No? Uh. I'm just a little flushed. I'll call you.

Sandy: Hey honey.
Kirsten: How's it going?
Sandy: Great. Spitz just told me a story about how his kids walked in on him and his wife when they were playing Strip Scrabble.

THE SUMMER BUMMER

Kirsten: I couldn't help but notice that you wanted to talk to Seth.
Ryan: Uh. Oh, did I?
Kirsten: Well since he's out of town and he's going to be moving out next semester you're going to need a new Seth. Don't tell Sandy, but I thought I would audition for the job.
Ryan: That's very thoughtful.
Kirsten: So, how does it work? Do I ask you what's on your mind?
Ryan: Usually you talk about yourself and I solve my problems on my own.

Kirsten: If we're going to talk about girls, I am a far more knowledgeable resource than my son.
Ryan: Okay, but you can't repeat this. Because if the real Seth found out I was telling the substitute Seth a real secret—
Kirsten: It's in the vault.
Ryan: I kissed Taylor.

Kirsten: So do I get the job?
Ryan: You're on the short list.

THE CHRISMUKK-HUH?

Sandy: Kirsten.
Summer: What happened?
Kirsten: Taylor and Ryan, they were hanging decorations and I guess the ladder fell.
Seth: What did the doctor say?
Kirsten: Well, they said apparently there's no serious injury. We just have to wait for them wake up.

Alt-Seth: I already told you, I'm not going to your stupid party.
Alt-Kirsten: Since Summer Roberts is going to be here? Since when are you avoiding her?
Alt-Seth: Since she got engaged to that burly ding dong.

MY TWO DADS

Kirsten: I appreciate you being cautious, but this seems personal.
Sandy: It is personal. Ryan is our son. Because Frank turned his back on his family. He has hurt Ryan before. I'm not going to let him do it again.

Seth: What are we watching?
Sandy: Well, it's about meerkats.
Seth: Meerkats. Why are we watching it?
Kirsten: Because I wanted to.
Sandy: And we don't want to get your mother angry. You haven't seen her right-cross.
Ryan: Yeah. Your dad's is pretty good though.
Seth: Well that makes sense. He was in a gang.
Kirsten: Don't remind me.
Seth: The Jets, is what I've heard.
Sandy: We robbed from the poor and gave to the poor.

THE DREAM LOVER

Kirsten: New Match.
Julie: Hi Kiki. Don't hang up.
Kirsten: You turn our business into a prostitution ring and you get hung up on. Company policy.

Julie: How about a compromise?
Kirsten: I'm listening.
Julie: We do it together.
Kirsten: I'm not facing those women.
Julie: I'll do the talking, you drive.
Kirsten: And how come you can't drive?
Julie: Oh! I'm sorry. Do you want to do the talking? It was our company. You are liable.
Kirsten: I'll pick you up in the morning.

Julie: Kirsten, I'm sorry. It was the only way I could think to get you to spend the day with me.
Kirsten: So you told all those women they had chlamydia when they don't?
Julie: They might. They did have sex with male hookers. Plus I picked the five meanest women in Newport.
Kirsten: What is wrong with you?
Julie: I was desperate. I missed you. I hate not having you in my life, Kirsten. I can live without you as my business partner, but not without you as my friend.
Kirsten: You are going to call all those woman tomorrow and you are going to tell them the truth.
Julie: Okay. But not Linda. Please let Linda think she has an STD.
Kirsten: That is not only unethical, that is just plain mean.
Julie: I disagree. Do you want to debate about it over dinner? You know you missed me, c'mon. Say it. Kirsten.

THE NIGHT MOVES

Kirsten: This is like Berkeley, 1989.
Sandy: You say that so warmly.
Kirsten: Not that I'm fond of natural disasters, but there is nothing sexier than your husband calming an angry mob.

THE END'S NOT NEAR, IT'S HERE

Six months later...

Ryan: We've all had to make adjustments since the earthquake.
Kirsten: Especially Kaitlin. [With] the entire Cohen family taking refuge here.
Kaitlin: It's been nice. I mean, I've perfected my Sandy Cohen. Listen to this: "I shmeared it for ya."
Sandy: Well, you know... not bad. I am very sexy.
Julie walking in: Baby, stop mimicking Sandy.
Sandy: Julie! Crepe? I am too nauseous to eat. Morning sickness? Or wedding jitters. Who can tell.
Kaitlin: Well your fiancé is certainly excited about the nuptials.
Julie: Yeah, he's become a broken record. He keeps saying—
Bullit: Bang!

Bullit: Drop that pen, Amigo. I'm kidnapping the both of you. C'mon, the jet is gassed up.
Kirsten: Is he drunk?
Bullit: No! Your boys called. They're up in Berkeley tryin' to buy back the old homestead. Just need you two up there to seal the deal. I figured the least I could do is lend my jet since old Sanford here introduced me to my lady love.
Kirsten: I can't fly. I'm nine months pregnant.
Bullit: Well my son, Amarillo, he's waiting at the plane. He's one of those doctors for women's private parts. C'mon, sunshine's burning. Let's go!
Realtor: Not to pressure you, but the owners are expecting other offers.
Bullit: Oh, what the hell, Blondie. I'll buy this house. grabs pen and signs Here. And here. to Kirsten and Sandy Andalay!

Todd: Okay, this isn't the bathroom.
Kirsten: I'm sorry. I didn't make it. My water broke.
Sandy: Seth! Call an ambulance!
Kirsten: No time for an ambulance.
Patrick: Okay, this is so random, but I'm actually a midwife.
Kirsten: Good. 'Cause this baby's coming now.

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