Quotes from The OC

Julie Cooper (Melinda Clarke)

PILOT

Julie Cooper: Oh honey, I thought you were going to wear your hair down. Pulled back like that, it's a little harsh on your angles.

THE GAMBLE

Julie: He basically called me white trash! He said I was from Riverside!
Jimmy Cooper: But you are from Riverside.
Julie: It was his tone!

THE BEST CHRISMUKKAH EVER

Jimmy: Marissa and I were just trying to work out an appropriate punishment.
Julie: Oh really? Well way to rule with an iron fist, Stalin.

THE TRUTH

Julie: Hey, you guys wanna join us? We're celebrating my new position.
Sandy: Ohhh, not gonna touch that one.

Julie to Ryan: So who'd you punch this time? Dr. Kim?

THE GOODBYE GIRL

Julie: Luke is just here to defrag my harddrive.

THE PROPOSAL

Julie: I had to block you from my buddy list. You were incessant.
Luke: You blocked me?

THE SHOWER

Julie: And a wedding planner that has the audacity to question my music taste. Bob Seger is not "so over."

Julie: Oh my god. Did she just say "monster trucks"?
Kirsten: You were into monster trucks?
Julie: I better get over there or there won't even be a wedding.

THE STRIP

Julie: Just one little stripper. Who never hurt anyone. Just trying to make his way in the world... naked.
Like this quote? Check out the shirt.

Julie: It's Las Vegas. You get strippers as a side with your entrée.

THE DISTANCE

Caleb: Do you hear a clicking on the phone?Every time I pick up the phone I hear a clicking.
Julie: Okay, Nixon. Paranoid, much? What's going on Cal? You're either hopped up on blow or something's seriously wrong.

Jimmy: So what's going on in your life?
Julie: Aside from our daughter being the spawn of Chucky and Keith Moon?

Julie: You two are still—?
Jimmy: Yeah, we're doing great. She's fantastic, sweet, limber. How about you and Caleb?
Julie: Not so limber.

THE SnOC

Julie: Jimmy, look.
Jimmy: Wow, she looks beautiful.
Julie: Yes, but more importantly she's with Ryan. Who right now looks like Prince Charming.

Julie: Well I was easy to love back then. I was beautiful and much nicer.
Jimmy: C'mon, Jules. You're still beautiful. And you were never nice.

FAMILY TIES

Julie: What if it wasn't my life? What if I could just walk away from it?
Jimmy: Well that depends on what you're walking away to.

Julie to Jimmy: Do you see what your leaving me with? Do you see how screwed up she is?
Marissa: Of course I'm screwed up. I'm the daughter of a thief and a slut.

THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB

Julie: What if I took away your Blackberry. And your cellphone?

Julie to Marissa: Are you going to throw your bedroom furniture in the pool now?

THE TEST

Julie: And I told you, you have nothing to worry about. I will take care of that. I saw that, Kirsten.

Julie: You should get another glass of champagne. 'Cause this is one surprise you won't find posted on the internet.

THE RAINY DAY WOMEN

Julie: That's very punk of you. You know, I used to like the punk in my day.
Marissa: Mom!
Julie: Okay, Marissa. It still is my day. I was just being modest.

Kirsten: Well, my husband is currently transporting his fugitive former flame.
Julie to Kirsten: I'll see your fugitive former flame and raise you a lesbian daughter.

Julie: Look, Marissa, I'll admit it. I experimented a bit when I was your age. Albeit it involved a little Motley Crue and a lot of Jager.
Marissa: Woah, Mom. Way too much information.

THE MALLPISODE

Julie: Why this guy? He launched a magazine called The Ugly Americans.

Carter: Look, I just don't think the world needs more proclamations about how Mukluks are the new Uggs.
Kirsten: Our bar's not that low.
Julie: He's right about Mukluks. Write that down.

Lance: Actually, I have something for you.
Julie: Yeah? Last time you gave me something I drank cranberry juice for a week.

Julie: Alex, and I'm not saying this to be mean. Because you actually seem like a nice enough girl, and... I like your pants. But you're this week's yard guy.

Julie to Alex, about Marissa: She's only really been in love once, and he looked a little different in a wife beater.

THE BLAZE OF GLORY

Julie: Okay, like you're not creepy enough you're appearing in doorways now?

Sandy: Julie, you scared me. More than usual.
Julie: Always a pleasure, Sanford.
Sandy: Only Caleb gets to call me Sanford because he won't not.

Julie: I am so screwed.
Sandy: I know. I saw the footage.

THE BROTHERS GRIM

Julie: I made a mistake, Kiki. A naked mistake.
Kirsten: Excuse me?
Julie: A hundred years ago, a boyfriend convinced me to let him film me. In the act. I was young, living on rum, and I needed the money.

Caleb: Is there anything else?
Julie: Well I made an adult film in the 80s with an ex-boyfriend whos is now threatening to to release it on the internet unless I pay him half a million dollars. And I would really like to redo the kitchen.

Julie: Kirsten Cohen crushes Carter!

Julie: You can go on with your life, Cal. But I am never leaving this room. My Howard Hughes phase starts now.

THE RAGER

Lance: Jules. How the hell did you find me?
Julie: Well it was easy, Lance. I just looked for the cheapest, scummiest motel near a liquor store and voila.

Lance: No bullets.
Julie: No. Unfortunately. But just for a second I wanted you to feel like your life was being taken away.

Julie: I don't want to come home and find I'm living in Delta House.

THE OC CONFIDENTIAL

Julie: All I'm asking is that we not mention any lesbian dalliances or bodies in the pool.
Marissa: Maybe I should stay with Summer tonight. That way you don't have to worry about me slipping up with Caleb and you can make all the "personal sacrifices" you want.

Caleb: What's all this?
Julie: What does it look like?
Caleb: It looks like one of your movies.
Julie: That's not funny.
Caleb: It's not supposed to be.

Lance: No pre-nup?
Julie: I think a porn scandal more than nullifies that.

Lance: What are you doing?
Julie: I'm writing you a check.
Lance: You don't gotta pay me to kill your husband..
Julie: It's not for that. It's to get you out of town. I'm not a murderer. Neither are you.

Caleb: Are these real tears?
Julie: No one's more surprised than me.

THE SHOWDOWN

Julie: Oh my gosh. How much vodka did you put in this?
Kirsten: Normal amount. Little less.

Caleb: You have been monitored to one degree or another since before we were married. The affair you had with your former-husband. The tryst with that high-schooler... Luke.
Julie: Oh my god.
Caleb: I mean, your daughter's boyfriend. What will people think?
Julie: Ex-boyfriend.

THE O.Sea

Julie: Sandy, I did not come here to talk about myself. But as long as we're on the subject, I could kind of use your advice.
Sandy: Hey, if this involves you being naked, please: you gotta warn me.

Julie: So send me the papers. I'll make the margs. We'll make a party out of it.
Caleb: Oh why not. Fitting end to a bizarre marriage like ours.

Caleb: I see you pulled out all the stops. One last ditch effort to stop this divorce from going forward.
Julie: God! Paranoid, much?

THE DEARLY BELOVED

Julie: All my black dresses look like they should be accessorized with a broomstick. Do you have anything I could borrow?
Marissa: It's a funeral mom, not a fashion show. pause Sorry. Look, let me see what I've got.
Julie: Wait. I can do it.
Marissa: No. You've been through more than enough. I didn't mean to be a bitch.
Julie: Apples and trees. You are my daughter.
Marissa: Which means I must have something that will look great on you.

Julie: If it would help, I could take over Kirsten Watch for awhile.
Sandy: I don't know if anything's gonna help.
Julie: So then let her glower at me. I'm used to it.
Sandy: Unfortunately, so am I these days. Thank you Julie.

Jimmy: What if I decided to stay? What if we gave it another shot? We're both older and wiser now.
Julie: We'll, I'm certainly wiser.

THE AFTERMATH

Julie: C'mon. It's okay for a prosecutor and defense attorney to have lemonade together. We're all human beings here.
Jimmy: I'm not so sure with these guys.

Julie to Mr. Frankel: Let's play hot/cold, hm? Two million. Seven million. I have at least three million coming from my pre-nup. You blinked! Does one blink mean yes?

THE END OF INNOCENCE

Julie upon seeing Kirsten: God, maybe I should check myself into rehab.

Lawyer: Caleb Nichol was a very generous man who loved his family very much.
Julie: Sandy gave a very nice eulogy at the funeral so let's just skip the niceties, okay?

Julie: You know, Jimmy, when I think about it, I think I talked myself in to loving Caleb. Not for the money, but for the security money brings.

THE PERFECT STORM

Kirsten: Oh Julie. It's a really good investment. And if you need help with the down payment—
Julie about the condos: I'm not destitute, Kirsten. I'm discerning.

Charlotte: Can I come in?
Julie: You really don't want to. And no.

THE SWELLS

Charlotte: Sounds like a wonderful cause.
Julie: So you'll help us throw it?
Kirsten: Actually I told myself I'd wait awhile until I jump back into all that. You know those Newpsies. Make you want to drink.

Julie: There is not a lie in the world I haven't heard or told so just give it to me straight. It'll save us a lot of time.
Charlotte: I was never going to hurt you, Julie.
Julie: Right. You were just going to scam me into throwing a big charity and leave me to pick up the pieces so you could skip town.
Charlotte: What if you help me?
Julie: Are you drinking again?

THE ANGER MANAGEMENT

Kirsten: We should take out half these tables so we can have more flow.
Julie: We should also talk to them about the music. The last event I did here they had us on a Kenny G loop.

Julie on the microphone: Excuse me. Ah, excuse me. May I have your attention over here, please? I'm Julie Cooper-Nichol. It's so great to see all your faces. And I just want to thank you so much for coming here. With your assistance we are going to be able to help a great many women in need. applause Thank you. However as you write your checks I would ask that you make them out to the National Foundation for Substance Abuse. As it so happens your generosity has somewhat overwhelmed our small organization and with the National Foundation's network your money will go a lot further. And still be tax-deductible.
Kirsten: Did you know about this?
Charlotte: No, I— I'll go talk to her. grabs Julie Julie, what the hell do you think you're doing?
Julie: Oh. Could you not hear me? I always hold the microphone too far away.
Charlotte: I wasn't kidding about the police, Julie. Now you get back over there and tell everyone it was a mistake.
Julie: Call them.
Charlotte: What?
Julie: Call the police. no reaction I thought so.
Charlotte: Oh, what? You think you're back in society now so you don't need the money? Wake up, Julie. These people are never going to accept you. You don't have any friends here!
Julie: Wrong. I have Kirsten. And I won't do this to her. Now, I think it's time you left, don't you? This town's only really big enough for one manipulative bitch. Take care, sweetie.

THE GAME PLAN

3F: You live in Balboa Estates and you drive your own U-Haul?
Julie: You know, just keepin' it real. Gotta go. See you around. 3F.

Julie: Kirsten, I don't need your charity.
Kirsten: Then why are you living in a trailer? I'm sorry. I followed you yesterday.
Julie: Well, then I certainly hope you're opening up a detective agency.

Gus: Hey, Julie!
Julie: I've got a gun, Gus.
Gus: That's cool.

THE DISCONNECT

Kirsten: Who wants to see their maids nude?
Julie: Not maids, Kirsten. They're strippers.
Kirsten: Who wants a stripper doing their laundry?

Julie: Sandy, I don't think I'm in favor of low income housing.
Kirsten: Julie, you live in a trailer park.
Julie: And I'm highly motivated to change my circumstances. If you make being poor too comfortable, what's the incentive to get rich? Believe me, if anyone should know.
Sandy: On that uplifting note, I'll leave you two to hash out the finer points of the free market economy.

Julie: You know what I'm really craving? Sweet corn ravioli. Or do you think that will be too heavy with the crab cakes?
Kirsten: What I think is that you don't find this business very interesting.
Julie: I'm sorry, Kiki. I've just been eating a lot of Ramen lately.
Kirsten: Julie, if this business works, you'll never have to boil your dinner again.

Kirsten: How was your date?
Julie: Oh, it was awful. We totally didn't click, we had nothing to talk about, his tongue was like sandpaper.
Kirsten: I'm sorry to hear that.
Julie: I'm sorry I never should have stayed. It was so unprofessional of me. You made all that food for nothing.
Kirsten: Well, it wasn't for nothing. We got paid. In a way, our first venture was a success.
Julie: Yeah, I guess so. How weird is it that a guy would spend that much money just to have dinner with a woman.
Kirsten: Julie, I have an idea for a new business.
Julie: Oh my god! A high class call girl operation. I love it!
Kirsten: No. A high end dating service.
Julie: Oh! That could work too.

THE CHRISMUKKAH BAR MITZ-VAHKKAH

Julie: I told you, Gus. I am not going to your Christmas party. Even if you are deep frying a ham.

Kirsten: I came to see how you were.
Julie: I'm great. Some of the neighbors are having a cock fight in an hour using stray dogs. It's a holiday tradition. My money's on the feisty Weimaraner.
Kirsten: Good. 'Cause I'm awful.
Julie: I'm spitting Skol into a can, drinking wine from a bottle I unscrewed, and living in a home that—if I wanted to—I could put in reverse. I'm beyond awful.

Julie: It's not like I could have the other Newpsies over for pop tarts and cock fights.

Neil: The way my wife self-medicates she could be a pharmacist. Been miserable for years.
Julie: I live in a trailer park.

THE SAFE HARBOR

Neil: Hey Julie. Happy New Year.
Julie: "Should auld acquaintance be forgot."
Neil: Well I don't think you're in much danger of being old or forgot any time soon.

Neil: The girls should be home any minute. I think they were up most of the night last night working on the petition. They're so hopeful.
Julie: And here we are about to ruin everything.
Neil: It's really selfish of us if you think about it, isn't it?
Julie: You know, I suppose I could wait a couple of days, see how things pan out.
Neil: It really is more of a weekend conversation, isn't it?
Julie: You are so right.
Neil: You know, I could really go for a drink.
Julie: You read my mind.

Julie: I don't want any pigeon pie, Gus! I think it's terrible what you do to those little birds.

Julie: You know, all things considered, I think I raised a pretty good kid.
Neil: I think we both did. You wanna—?
Julie: Drink?

THE SISTER ACT

Kaitlin: Oh my god. We live in a trailer.
Julie: Well, yes. But not... live live. Um. We're more like refugees. We're only half a mile from the beach and, well... it's Tiffany blue!

Julie: I'll be okay, Kiki. I'm like the Gulf Region. At this point, what's one more hurricane?

Julie: Tonight we launch Newport's first exclusive dating service: New Match. Because whether you're gay, straight, single, divorced, nearly-divorced. In a world of wealth and luxury, the only thing really worth pursuing is a soul mate.
Kirsten: So drink up, enjoy, and flirt.

THE POT STIRRER

Neil: I'm just happy that we're finally meeting. After you postponed twice I thought maybe you changed your mind.
Julie: No. I just, kept thinking about the fact that our daughters are best friends, I'm a recent widow, you're just out of a marriage.
Neil: So what finally tipped the scales?
Julie: I felt something.
Neil: Me too.
Julie: I'm so sorry. reaching for her wallet I really have to go—
Neil: No no. I've got this. Julie, how 'bout dinner on Sunday night? I know this terrible burger joint. Even the owner avoids it. We'll be totally alone.
Julie: Sunday then.

Julie: We're doing dinner a la Cohen.

Julie: You know, after years of doing cardiobar and yogalates I forgot how good this feels. I got three honks.

Julie about Neil: Yes, he is a gentleman.
Kirsten: Is he?
Julie: Kirsten, please. We've hardly had a real date. We haven't even kissed.
Kirsten: But he offered his house for Kaitlin's birthday. I'd say that's a good sign.
Julie: It is a beautiful house. Although I was thinking you could change out the marble in the entrance hall. And some of the furniture—
Kirsten: Julie. Since you haven't kissed yet you might want to hold off on the redecorating.

THE CLIFF HANGER

Julie: I know you've been married for, like, 200 years, but you must remember something about dating.
Kirsten: Well I hope so or I'm in the wrong business.

Julie: I'm impressed. You're sneakier than I thought, Kirsten Cohen.
Kirsten: Well, being around you all these years, it's rubbed off.

Neil looking through the New Match book: She's pretty.
Julie: Pear-shaped. But pretty.
Neil: Oo. Look at her. Nice... smile.
Julie: Yeah. Adult braces.

Julie: It's my own fault. I let you do the scheming. Clearly not your wheelhouse. From now on if someone needs to be manipulated we put me in charge.
Kirsten: Fair enough. Laura Cross. I don't know her.
Julie: Well, she'll probably marry him, and enjoy a life of free brow lifts. Anyway, I am going to get to know her and find out what I'm up against.
Kirsten: Don't tell me you're going to spy on her.
Julie: I tried taking your advice, KiKi. And quite frankly, it sucked. From now on we do things the Julie Cooper way.
Kirsten: Julie Cooper, be careful.

Julie: Go away Gus. I told you, I don't want to play strip pinochle.
Neil: You play strip pinochle?
Julie: Long story. What are you doing here?
Neil: I stopped by to thank you for fixing me up with Laura. She's a wonderful woman.
Julie: Well good. I'm glad it worked out with the two of you. If you'll excuse me I have a Hot Pocket in the microwave and a wine cooler with my name on it. So, good luck. tries to close the door and fails. What? What do you want?
Neil: You.
Julie: Excuse me?
Neil: You can be manipulative, you can be aggressive. I've known you to stretch the truth on occasion. But the fact is, when I'm not around you, I miss you.
Julie: You do?
Neil: What can I say? I've fallen for you.
Julie: Well this just may be your lucky night. I have an extra Hot Pocket.

THE HEAVY LIFTING

Kirsten: Julie, last time you went on a stealth mission, you toppled the dessert tray.
Julie: Yeah, but it did get his attention.

Julie: I sharpened my bamboo sticks. Turns out no force was necessary.

Julie: Oh no. I don't do oysters. If I'm going to swallow something that disgusting there better be something in it for me.

THE ROAD WARRIOR

Kirsten: Maybe you two should stop sneaking around and go public.
Julie: I don't disagree. And neither does my chiropractor.

THE JOURNEY

Julie: Summer. Hi.
Summer: Julie. What a surprise. Um. Is my dad here?
Julie: No, I don't think he is. You are probably wondering how I let myself in here... You know, it's really um, a funny story. Kind of, heh, it's absurd actually.
Summer: I know.
Julie: Excuse me?
Summer: I know about you and my dad. Your private hanky panky. Your driving range smooching. I know.
Julie: Oh, Summer. We were going to tell you.
Summer: When? Before or after you went on the cruise?
Julie: What cruise? Summer shows her the tickets. A lover's cruise to Cabo? And it leaves tomorrow night. Wow, I didn't know anything about this, Summer. I guess Neil wanted to surprise me. And it's first class! Oh my gosh, what a gentleman.
Summer: Oh he's gonna surprise you alright. Did you know that he proposed to his last two wives on cruises?
Julie: What?
Summer: Look, I got nothing against you. In theory. But my dad just got out of a marriage and I don't want him rushing back into another.
Julie: Oh, Summer. I totally understand. We are nowhere near close to getting engaged. Trust me.
Summer: Serious?
Summer: Yes, of course.
Julie: Does Marissa know about this?
Summer: Not yet.
Julie: Well I guess I better tell her then, hm? And buy me a new bikini.
Summer to no one in particular: Awkward.

Julie: You know, the short stack really is the perfect amount.
Marissa: Look, mom, this is great and everything—
Julie: Okay, I'm sorry. I'll stop stalling. The truth is I asked you to breakfast for a reason. For the past few months I've been seeing Neil Roberts.
Marissa: Dr. Roberts? Wait, what have you had done?

Marissa: Summer's like my best friend. So don't... do anything.
Julie: Okay. Whatever that means.

THE SECRETS AND LIES

Summer: You may be Mrs. Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Roberts, but if you make my dad happy—
Neil: Which she does.
Julie: I do.
Summer: Then I'm happy.

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

Neil: Hey. You okay?
Julie: Please, I just— I can't do this right now.
Neil: Do what?
Julie: Sit here and be tested as wife/mother material while I'm worried about my daughter's future. I get it, okay? It's not what you expected. I failed. Fine. But right now I need to think about Marissa.
Neil: Julie, I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you were being tested. I— I was wrong. And you've hardly failed. I think Marissa is very lucky to have you as her mom.
Summer: Hey, guys. We're going to the party.
Marissa: Bye Mom, bye Dr. Roberts.
Neil: See what I mean.

THE DAWN PATROL

Julie: Keep that grimey paw away from me. Unless you wanna see what ten years of cardiobar can do to your face.

Julie: Listen up, Tommy Lee. You're just the latest in a series of experiments my daughter likes to make when acting out. So enjoy it. Because right here, right now is as good as it gets for you. Soon Marissa's gonna wake up and realize she is so much better than you and your life.
Volchok: You think she's gonna come running back to you.
Julie: Marissa knows that I will be there for her whenever she decides to come home because I am her family. Not some punk with a smirk, three brain cells, and a good coke connection. You tell her that.

THE COLLEGE TRY

Julie: Marissa, honey, you know it's not too late to go with you. I promise I won't embarrass you. I can pretend to be part of your entourage. Or your Scientology guide.
Marissa: Mom, you don't have to worry, okay?
Julie: Kids go crazy at college. You've seen Girls Gone Wild.
Marissa: Yeah, I lived it. Not the topless part.

Julie: Okay, did a priest just break in here and perform an exorcism?
Neil: I don't know, but she's definitely out of the woods.

Neil: Honey, I don't get it. You throw all of these parties with the dating service.
Julie: Well, I have Kirsten then. She's my wing woman.
Neil: So invite Kirsten. And Sandy. He can network with the doctors and she can... wing woman.

Julie: Ever since Caleb died, the only way I've been able to navigate through these Newpsie-infested waters is with you by my side.

THE PARTY FAVOR

Kirsten: Julie, last week at dinner I had a drink.
Julie: What? Oh my god.
Kirsten: Now it was the first in eleven months, it was only one glass, and I've been going to AA meetings every day. But it happened.
Julie: Have you talked to Sandy about this?
Kirsten: No. I tried before. I could feel it coming.
Julie: Kirsten, you have to tell him.
Kirsten: That the stress of our marriage has triggered my drinking?
Julie: Yes. That's exactly what you say.
Kirsten: I am not going to use my alcoholism to save our marriage. If he can't value it for what it is, then what is the point?
Julie: Then what are you going to do?
Kirsten: I don't know.

THE MAN OF THE YEAR

Julie: Of course. We'll be there. Bye, Kiks.
Neil: Hey, good news?
Julie: Yes! Sandy Cohen has just been named Newport's Man of the Year. There's a party for him tomorrow night at the yacht club.
Neil: Well, that oughta be interesting.

Julie: Speaking as someone who's had to manage more than her share of scandal, you need to contain this ASAP.
Kirsten: Julie, I appreciate the heads up. Sandy's gonna take this really hard.
Julie: Sandy knows. Neil told him at dinner last night.

Neil: It feels like a conflict of interest. I may have to testify against the man. I'm sure they'll understand.
Julie: Well I don't. The Cohens are like family, Neil.
Neil: Well they're about to become the black sheep.
Julie: Well I don't know about you, but I support the people I care about. I don't judge them. I'll call a cab.

Julie: You changed your mind.
Neil: No, you changed my mind. You're a very passionate woman. And surprisingly principled.
Julie: I'd like to think so.
Neil: If you feel so strongly about family, how could I not want to be a part of yours?

THE GRADUATES

Neil: That's really nice of her to come home to support her sister.
Julie clearly not trusting motives: Yeah. Really nice.

Julie: I just want you to know, everything I ever did—good, bad or otherwise—I did it for you. So that you could have a better life than I had. And I know I wasn't perfect. I mean, the thing with Luke, and, trying to frame Ryan for attempted homicide, I—
Marissa: Mom, I love you. Just know that.
Julie: Oh, sweetheart. That's all I wanted. I love you too.

THE AVENGERS

Julie:Hey Kaitlin! Why aren't you in school?
Kaitlin: 'Cause it's 8 PM. And it's Saturday.

Neil: Julie, what on God's formerly green Earth are you doing?

Neil: Julie! My god! Are you alright? Is there an earthquake I didn't feel?
Julie: No. Help me. I was just trying to rearrange some furniture. I got some very helpful tips from HGTV.
Neil: Oh great. They suggested that you try to move a built-in?
Julie: I didn't know it was a built-in.
Neil: It's not anymore.

Julie: I have no feeling in my extremities.
Neil: I'm sure you have a pill for that.
Julie: Back off, Neil, I was almost just killed by your heinous furniture.

Ryan: What's this?
Julie: It's why I wanted to see you. You see, after ... it happened I hired a private investigator to find out where he went. Volchok. And now I know. All the information is in this file. I'm not giving it to the cops. Jail's too good for him. I'm giving it to you. You're the only person who can understand how I feel. And you can do with it—with him—what you want.
Ryan: I don't want it.
Julie: What?
Ryan: I don't care about him, I don't care about any of it and I don't want to start.
Julie: That's... that's a lie, Ryan. That's... I know you. Even if you didn't come to her funeral or never visit her grave, you still care.

Julie and Ryan meet at Marissa's grave
Julie: I was wondering when you'd finally come here.
Ryan: Thanks for meeting me.
Julie: I'm here every day.

THE GRINGOS

Julie: Kaitlin, I can't, I can't keep this family together and have you running around like Miss Clockwork Orange. I can't.

THE COLD TURKEY

Sandy: Julie.
Julie: I thought you weren't speaking to me.
Sandy: I'm not calling to make peace. I'm looking for Ryan.
Julie: Ryan? You told me to stay away from him, remember?
Sandy: Oh c'mon. He called you as soon as he found out I had Volchok in custody.
Julie stunned: Volchok is in custody?
Sandy: So you really didn't know, huh?
Julie: No, no I didn't.
Sandy: He turned himself in this morning. I already spoke to the DA and it should be a done deal by tonight.
Julie: So it's really over.
Sandy: I sure as hell hope so. Julie hangs up the phone. Julie? Julie?

Julie: We can't go on like this anymore, can we?
Summer: No. Summer takes Julie's hand

Julie: Hi.
Sandy: Julie, whatever it is, it'll have to wait. We're having Thanksgiving.
Julie: I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.
Sandy: I don't think I've ever heard you say that before.
Julie: I don't think I've ever meant it.

Julie: Tell me about her.
Ryan: What?
Julie: Anything. Just... tell me about her.

THE METAMORPHOSIS

Kirsten: So you're really giving up on men?
Julie: Men are to me what Chardonnay is to you. One sip and I'm upside down on a chandelier. Not that you've ever done that.

Julie: Kirsten, I feel like I'm coming down with something. I'm not feeling so hot. Do you mind if I take a raincheck on our girls night in?
Kirsten: Julie, did you just put on lipstick?
Julie: What? No? Uh. I'm just a little flushed. I'll call you.

THE SLEEPING BEAUTY

Julie on the phone with Kirsten: So, what, Sandy just served me up like a piece of meat? How rich is he? Five o'clock will be fine.

THE SUMMER BUMMER

Bullit: Have dinner with me.
Julie: No.
Bullit: A cocktail.
Julie: No.
Bullit: Then let's just make out.
Julie: I could hurt you. wields taser
Bullit: Wow. Call me.

Bullit: I swear, you make me all nervous inside.
Julie: So you only act like a bigot and a sexist pig around me?
Bullit: No, I just feel worse about it when you're around.

Julie: Hello?
Spencer: Julie. Hey, it's Spencer. I just wanted to call and say thanks. I had a great night.
Julie: I would expect so. It's pretty late.
Spencer: I'll, ah, I'll give you your cut when I get back into town.
Julie: My cut? No, Spencer. You paid to join the service. Your date doesn't pay you. That's illegal. You're not a gigolo.
Spencer: Right. Open phone line. Got it. My bad. Anyway, you got yourself one satisfied customer. See yah.
Julie: Spencer, wait. phone rings Spencer.
Pam: I wish. But it's probably for the best. I am tin roof rusted.
(Gotta love the B-52s)

THE CHRISMUKK-HUH?

Alt-Sandy: A philanthropist means you help people.
Alt-Julie: Oh! Well you learn something new everyday.

Julie: Oh, now honey I told you my family only drinks wine coolers.
Kaitlin: We're having a very Britney Christmas, mother.
Julie: Yes. Watch out. I might put you on my lap while we drive out there.

Kaitlin: You know, I really don't think that Veronica's going to care if Taylor's in a bogus coma.
Julie: Well it doesn't matter. Her daughter's in the hospital and she needs to know.

Julie: Veronica, listen. I know you're not the warm and fuzzy type. But it is Christmas Eve and it would mean so much if you could be there. And if you get on that plane right now I'll tell security you have a bomb.
Kaitlin: Wow. Very Jack Bauer of you.

Ryan: There's some guy who wants to meet you in the master bathroom. Something about getting a thong off.
Alt-Julie: Oo! pauses That's charity talk. Thong is an acronym for The Homeless of Newport... Go. Or something.

THE EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY

Julie: Spencer, let me ask you a question. When you paired these ladies up with their dates did you know they were coming to this party?
Spencer: You don't think Kirsten's going to smell something fishy, do you?
Julie: No. I think we're taking the fish and slapping her in the face with it. She knows these woman are our clients.
Spencer: Maybe she won't notice. Isn't she an alcoholic?
Julie: Recovering alcoholic, unfortunately.

Julie: I'm not trading sex for silence, Frank. I may be a madame but I'm not a whore.
Frank: Good to know. But that's not why I brought you here.
Julie: It's not?
Frank: Sit down.
Julie: So why did you bring me here?
Frank: For information.
Julie: Information about what?
Frank: About the Cohen family.
Julie: Why?
Frank: Because I'm not who I say I am.
Julie: And who are you?
Frank: I'm Ryan's father.

MY TWO DADS

Summer: Oh! My brisket is burning.
Julie: I like it chewy.
Summer: Julie, I really appreciate you helping me by filling in for Rabbi Gunderman (?). But this just is not working.
Julie: Right. And whenever you want to let me know what "this" is I'm all ears. As much as I've enjoyed learning the Hebrew alphabet with you.
Summer: This is a ridiculous sham. Not that I don't look forward to one day becoming Jewish.
Julie: Did Seth dare you to do this?
Summer: Um, in a way, yes. We're engaged.
Julie: Oh.

Julie: And now you don't want to call it off because you'll hurt his feelings. Summer shakes her head. Or because if you do he'll get the upperhand.
Summer: Exactly.
Julie: Now we're talking my kind of dating game.
Summer: Manipulating the opposite sex. God, Julie! Why didn't I come to you earlier?
Julie: Thank you, Summer. Look, if you want to take him down you have to kick it up a notch. It's called chutzpah.
Summer: I think it's (correcting the pronunciation) "chutz". Chutzpah.
Julie: Chutzpah.
Summer: Chutz-
Julie: Chutz-
Summer: Never mind. What are you thinking?

Julie: You get caught lying about cancer, you're gonna get punched. Those are the rules.

Frank: This oughta keep things straight with Gordon. I think you'll find these books are cooked so you can hide as much as you make.
Julie: Ah. The prostitution ring. No. After you busted me on New Years I decided to quit. It's hard out there for a pimp.

THE FRENCH CONNECTION

Kaitlin: What are you doing anyway?
Julie: My cellphone wasn't at the office.
Kaitlin: So you think it's in the frying pans.
Julie: I checked everywhere else and I just really need it, okay?
Kaitlin: Okay.
Julie checks the toaster

THE DREAM LOVER

Julie: How about a compromise?
Kirsten: I'm listening.
Julie: We do it together.
Kirsten: I'm not facing those women.
Julie: I'll do the talking, you drive.
Kirsten: And how come you can't drive?
Julie: Oh! I'm sorry. Do you want to do the talking? It was our company. You are liable.
Kirsten: I'll pick you up in the morning.

Julie: I choked. I'm sorry. I promise, the next person I really will tell. Or we could get our nails done.

Julie: Kirsten, I'm sorry. It was the only way I could think to get you to spend the day with me.
Kirsten: So you told all those women they had chlamydia when they don't?
Julie: They might. They did have sex with male hookers. Plus I picked the five meanest women in Newport.
Kirsten: What is wrong with you?
Julie: I was desperate. I missed you. I hate not having you in my life, Kirsten. I can live without you as my business partner, but not without you as my friend.
Kirsten: You are going to call all those woman tomorrow and you are going to tell them the truth.
Julie: Okay. But not Linda. Please let Linda think she has an STD.
Kirsten: That is not only unethical, that is just plain mean.
Julie: I disagree. Do you want to debate about it over dinner? You know you missed me, c'mon. Say it. Kirsten.

THE NIGHT MOVES

Kaitlin: Look, I understand why you keep on calling Summer and the Cohens, but why Frank? Weren't you guys supposed to take it down a notch?
Julie: Kaitlin, just because we're pulling things back a little bit doesn't mean we've stopped caring about each other.

Julie: I'm thinking the roof. Ice Cream Guy, you got a ladder?
Gary: You can't climb up there.
Julie: I'm not going to. You are.

Julie: I used to sing that to Kaitlin when she was little. And scared.
Gary: Isn't that kinda inappropriate? I mean, given the sexual content of the lyrics?
Kaitlin: Well, it was the only song she knew the words to.
Julie: That and Pour Some Sugar on Me.

Kaitlin: I'm sorry for posting your mugshot up in the ladies' room at Taylor's birthday party.
Frank: It showed a lot of creativity.
Julie: Speaking of creativity. Kaitlin, clown porn?
Frank: I'm not even going to ask where that came from.
Kaitlin: I found it in Dr. Roberts' study. You guys will believe absolutely anything.

THE END'S NOT NEAR, IT'S HERE

Six months later...

Ryan: We've all had to make adjustments since the earthquake.
Kirsten: Especially Kaitlin. [With] the entire Cohen family taking refuge here.
Kaitlin: It's been nice. I mean, I've perfected my Sandy Cohen. Listen to this: "I shmeared it for ya."
Sandy: Well, you know... not bad. I am very sexy.
Julie walking in: Baby, stop mimicking Sandy.
Sandy: Julie! Crepe?
Julie: I am too nauseous to eat.
Kirsten: Morning sickness? Or wedding jitters.
Julie: Who can tell.
Kaitlin: Well your fiancé is certainly excited about the nuptials.
Julie: Yeah, he's become a broken record. He keeps saying—
Bullit: Bang!

Kaitlin: I mean I love Bullit, but one's kind of enough, you know.
Julie: You're telling me.
Kaitlin: What are you talking about? You're about to spawn off the latest.
Julie: Maybe he won't be all that Bullit-esque.
Kaitlin: Don't count on it. He's probably going to come out with a cowboy hat and tell the doctor, "bang."
Julie: Or a wife beater.

Summer: Do you think that Seth and I are making a mistake? Living together after the earthquake and then getting an apartment together next year in Providence?
Julie: Um, well, you know I got married so young that I never had a chance to find out who I was or what I cared about. I mean, I never went to college or learned any real skills. And now here I am, twenty years later. Still knocked up on my wedding day. Summer, you're a great girl. And the world deserves to know you. You deserve it too. Don't settle for comfortable.

Julie: I can't get married without Kiki. She's my best friend. I'm sorry, but I'm not doing it without her.
Cut to Berkeley and the entire wedding outside of Patrick & Todd's
Patrick & Todd: Oh my god.
Bullit: One of you two wouldn't happen to be a wedding planner, would you?
Todd: Actually.

Bullit about Julie: That woman is like nailing jello to the wall.

Kaitlin: Our kitchen is going to be so empty.
Julie: I know. I was kind of getting used to becoming a Cohen.
Kaitlin: My Sandy impression was killer.

Julie: We'll figure it out.
Kaitlin: We're Coopers.

TOP