CYBERWOMAN

Ianto: Can you make it two pepperoni feasts tonight. And a tub of coleslaw. My boss says I'm not eating enough vegetables.

Dr. Tanizaki: My god. It's not possible. One of them survived!
Ianto: This is Lisa.

Dr. Tanizaki: Tell me, what happened?
Ianto: She worked for Torchwood London. It was the end of the Canary Wharf battle. The Cybermen needed soldiers fast. They started upgrading whole bodies instead of transplanting brains, using earth technology. Lisa was halfway through the process when the machine was shut down.

Ianto: What happened?
Lisa: His upgrade failed.

Ianto: Her name's Lisa. She's my girlfriend.
Gwen: Why didn't you tell us? We could have helped you.
Ianto: Torchwood exists to destroy alien threats. Why would I tell you about her?

SMALL WORLDS

Jack: You shouldn't be here.
Ianto: Neither should you.
Jack: What have you got?
Ianto: Funny sort of weather patterns.

COUNTRYCIDE

Ianto: You know, I never liked camping.

Ianto: Judging by the sound reverberations and the... air quality... 'pretty deep underground. Chances of rescue?
Toshiko: We won't need rescuing. I haven't met a cell yet I couldn't get out of.

THEY KEEP KILLING SUZIE

Gwen: Wait a minute, I've taken retcon.
Jack: Then better stay away from sharp objects. Ianto, how many people have we given amnesia pills to?
Ianto: Two thousand and eight.
Owen: Ay, what if they all become psychotic?
Tosh: Do you have to sound so happy?
Owen: Yeah, I'm just saying. Mean Streets!

Owen: You know, we never gave it a cool name.
Tosh: I thought we called it the Resurrection Gauntlet.
Owen: COOL name.
Ianto: What about "The Risen Mitten"? I think it's catchy.

Ianto: Amazing. She's a natural. 24 seconds.
Owen: Give Ianto a stop watch and he's happy.
Ianto: It's the button on the top.

Ianto: If you're interested I've still got that stopwatch.
Jack: So?
Ianto: Well. Think about it. Lots of things you can do with a stopwatch.
Jack: Oh yeah. I can think of a few.
Ianto: There's quite a list.
Jack: I'll send the others home early. See you in my office in ten.
Ianto: That's ten minutes. And counting.

Ianto: Oh, Jack? What do you want me to say on the death certificate?
Jack: Good question.
Ianto: She had quite a few deaths in the end.
Jack: I don't know. "Death by Torchwood."
Ianto: I'll put a lock on the door. Just in case she goes walking again.
Jack: Nah. No chance of that. The Resurrection Days are over, thank God.
Ianto: Oh, I wouldn't be too sure. That's the thing about gloves, sir. They come in pairs.

OUT OF TIME

Diane amazed at the door opening: How did it do that?
Ianto: It's automatic. It knows you're there.
Diane: But how?
Ianto: There are wave bouncing detectors which emit radio waves and then look for reflections—
Diane : Bananas!
Ianto: Of course bananas are far more interesting.

Emma: How much food money have I got left?
Ianto: Fifteen pound 40. watches grab candy Twelve pounds 10. You'll ruin your teeth.
Emma: You sound like my mum.

Ianto: Welcome to the wonderful world of scantily-dressed celebrities.
John scandalized by the magazine cover: There's children around!
Ianto: She's a children's TV presenter.

COMBAT

Jack about Janet : Owen's been studying this one. He thinks they have a low level of telepathic ability to share emotion across distance.
Ianto: You mean it might be feeling the pain of another Weevil?
Jack: Kinda hope we're wrong, though.
Ianto: Why?
Jack: Because that would mean somebody's not only kidnapping Weevils, they're causing them pain.

CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS

Ianto: Open the rift now and the whole world could suffer. We could all get sucked in. Who knows what will come out? This is about Diane, isn't it? When will you accept that she chose to leave you?
Owen: Whereas your cyber-girlfriend stuck around. Of course, not that she had a choice, wired-up in the cellar.
Ianto: That was different.
Owen: Yeah, it was. Mainly because Diane didn't try and kill us all and, oh yeah, she also happened to be a human being.
Ianto: Stop it.
Owen: Not some screwed-up metal monster.
Ianto: I thought she was still Lisa. I loved her. You only knew Diane for a week.
Owen: And it wasn't enough. Maybe the Manipulator can calculate the missing figures. It isn't working.
Ianto: Good. Jack would never have wanted us to use it this way.
Owen: There's a piece missing. We've got to find it.
Ianto: Maybe you should go home.
Owen: You don't have any power over me. Okay, Ianto, we'll play it your way. Safe and boring.

Ianto: You can't open the safe. You've got no right.
Owen: I'm second in command. I have got every fucking right.
Ianto: There's stuff in there we don't know about. That's how Jack likes it.
Owen: I'm not going to play with his toys, Ianto!

Owen: There's instructions in here. This isn't a random act of madness.
Ianto: It's a trap! Bilis wanted you to find it.
Owen: Why?
Ianto: To provoke the rift. To incite total chaos and destruction. All the reports of the haunted dance hall were anonymous. What if it was him? Please listen to me!
Owen: I'm tired of being in awe of the rift. I'm tired of living with Jack's secrets. We don't even know who he is.
Ianto: He's our leader.
Owen: Not anymore.

Ianto: You have to let Diane go. Like I did with Lisa.
Owen: Don't compare yourself to me. You're just a tea boy.
Ianto: I'm much more than that. Jack needs me.
Owen: In your dreams, Ianto. In your sad wet dreams when you're his part-time shag, maybe. That rift took my lover and my Captain. So if I die trying to beat it, then it will all be in the line of duty.

Owen: World didn't end after all, did it? Good job you're a crap shot.
Ianto: I was aiming for your shoulder.

KISS KISS, BANG BANG

Owen: Okay, so who the hell was that bloke in the hologram?
Ianto: I know Jack recognized him.
Tosh: Why didn't he let us go with him?
Gwen: 'Cause he's typical Jack, isn't he? He disappears, he comes back, then he runs away again. Shuts us out. We don't even know his real name.
Tosh: Or which time he comes from.
Gwen: Exactly. He's supposed to be our boss and we know nothing about him. Drives me crazy.
Ianto: It is more fun when he's around though.
Owen: Yeah. No. Definitely.
Gwen: Yeah it is.

Ianto: Are you asking me out on a date?
Jack: Interested?
Ianto: Huh, well. As long as it's not in an office. Some fetishes should be kept to yourself.

Ianto: Jack, why are we helping him?
Jack: He's a reminder of my past. I want him gone. By the way, was that a yes?
Ianto: Yes.

Ianto about his stopwatch: Always at the ready.

Hart: The orgy's still an offer by the way. Especially now I've got the cuffs out.

SLEEPER

Ianto: "Just us. In this room. For as long as it takes." Terrifying.
Jack: Really?
Ianto: Absolutely. Shivers down my spine.
Jack: You don't look scared.
Ianto: It passed.

Ianto: We don't sniff the sub-etheric resonator.
Beth: Sorry.

Tosh: We have to take it easy, Jack. Stop at the first sign of trouble.
Ianto: Or the first sign of exploding.

Beth: Your bedside manner's rubbish.
Gwen: You should see his manners in bed. They're atrocious. Apparently. So I've heard.
Ianto: Oh, they are. I remember this one time—
Jack: Ahem.

Ianto: They know more about this place than I do. bangs table Nobody knows more about this place than I do.

Gwen about Patrick Granger: Why would anybody want to kill him?
Ianto: Also the city coordinator. Takes charge of the city in case of major emergencies. Has all the security protocols.
Owen: How'd you know about that?
Ianto: I know everything. And it says so on the bottom of the screen.

Tosh: Come on guys, that wasn't even difficult. A disappointment.
Ianto: It's almost obscene what you do to security systems.

Jack: Come on! Have a little faith. With a dashing hero like me on the case how can we fail?
Ianto: He is dashing, you have to give him that.

Owen: What if they can't stop it?
Tosh: They'll stop it.
Owen: Yeah, but if they can't?
Ianto: Then it's... all over.
Owen: Let's all have sex.
Ianto: And I thought the end of the world couldn't get any worse.

TO THE LAST MAN

Owen: Gets harder every year.
Ianto: Good left hook though.

Owen: He's a frozen soldier from 1918.
Ianto: Nobody's perfect.

Jack: This time tomorrow he'll be back in 1918.
Ianto: His own time. Would you go back to yours? If you could?
Jack: Why? Would you miss me?
Ianto: Yup.
Jack: I left home a long time ago. I don't know where I really belong. Maybe that doesn't matter anymore.

MEAT

Owen: Well the DNA tracers are stable, there are some signs of animal sedative. But no detectable diseases or residues. My guess is it's good to eat.
Gwen: Would you eat it?
Ianto: Pizza's arrived. I presumed it would be a late one.
Owen: What'd you get me?
Ianto: Usual. Meat Feast.
Owen: Lovely.

Ianto: Did you bring the alarm deactivator? Owen shoots it Well that's one way of doing it.

Owen: So not only is it replenishing its own flesh but it's increasing it. Giving them a brand new meat supply.
Gwen: It would last them for years then.
Tosh: If we understood how it worked we could feed the world.
Ianto: We could release a single.

ADAM

Tosh: You write about artifacts in your diary?
Ianto: Among other things.

Adam: What's wrong?
Ianto: My diary. You're not in it. Everyone else is. Why would I leave you out when you've been here so long? Like I'm remembering a man who doesn't exist.

RESET

Martha: So am I right in thinking that you and he...?
Ianto: We... dabble.
Martha: Yeah?
Ianto: Yeah.
Martha: So what's his dabbling like?
Ianto: Innovative.
Martha: Really?
Ianto: Bordering on the avant garde.
Martha: Wow.
Ianto: Oh yeah.

DEAD MAN WALKING

Owen: I'm really gonna need that hand back.
Jack: Owen?
Ianto: Two minutes, twenty.
Jack: But I'm not using the glove!
Owen: But I'm still here.
Ianto: Oh, here we go again.

Ianto: I have searched for the phrase "I shall walk the Earth and my hunger will know no bounds", but I keep get redirected to Weight Watchers.

A DAY IN THE DEATH

Ianto: Voila. Fresh and strong.
Owen: You couldn't just have a jar of instant handy?

Owen: Bet you're loving this aren't you. Looks like you finally won.
Ianto: I didn't realize we were in competition.
Owen: Oh come on, even Tosh had more of a life than you used to and now you're always out on missions, you're shagging Jack and I'm stuck here making coffee.
Ianto: It's not like that, me and Jack.

SOMETHING BORROWED

FROM OUT OF THE RAIN

ADRIFT

FRAGMENTS

EXIT WOUNDS

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