Quotes from Stargate SG-1

Other Humans

Hammond: You know that's my car, don't you?
O'Neill: You should get that window fixed.

Maybourne: Striking an officer is a quick way to a court martial.
O'Neill: I'm not gonna hit you, Maybourne. I'm gonna shoot you.

Ally: Listen, you're a sitting duck down here.
Teal'c: And ducks are bad?
Ally: Um... the sitting kind are.

Michael: We're even thinking of crossing the border up to Canada.
Teal'c: For what reason?
Michael: You know, man. The war.
Teal'c: The war with Canada.
Michael: No.

Jackson: No no no no! Nick! Nick, I'm real! I'm real! You're not hallucinating!
Nicholas Ballard: Hallucinations always say that.

Markov: The sub is Swiss.
Jackson: So they occasionally catch fire, but they keep perfect time. pause Sorry. I think I've been hanging around Jack O'Neill too much.

O'Neill: We'll be unavailable, inaccessible...
Hammond: Incommunicado...
O'Neill: Minnesota, Sir.
Hammond: I stand corrected.

Martin: Okay, scene 23 takes place on another planet, so you think aliens eat apples?
Crew Member: Why not? They speak English.

Martin: So, three shots disintegrates them.
Director: You know what? I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, because that is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say.

Crew: Because you're "out of phase".
Yolanda: So, how come I don't fall through the floor?

Vernon: So what planet are they from, the aliens?
O'Neill: A place called Melmac.
Vernon: Isn't that where ALF is from?
O'Neill: Who?
Vernon: ALF, you know, on TV, the puppet.
O'Neill: Never saw it.
Vernon: No kidding?

Technician: Let me ask you something. Being here late at night, do you ever get the urge to just dial up random planets and check it out for a minute or two?
Dialer Guy: That would be a no.
Technician: Yeah. Me... me neither.

Maybourne: I get to name all sorts of things. You should see the Grateful Dead burial ground.

Maybourne: Jack. How long has it been?
O'Neill: Oh, since you got us stranded off-world and tried to kill me.
Maybourne: Ah. Takes me back.

Maybourne: Glad tidings of... comfort and joy. Comfort and joy.

Carter: We need to come up with a code word to let us know if you need help.
Kinsey: How about something simple like... help?

Jackson: Your English is excellent.
Russian Captain: Thank you. Do you speak Russian?
Jackson in Russian: I'm conversational. I think I can get by.
Russian Captain: We'll stick to English then.

Joe: I'm trying to reach one of your officers. Colonel Jack O'Neill. Two L's.

Customer: Well what about the Furlings? Are we ever gonna hear about them?

Worker: I'm not sure you should have sent in Seth.
Joe: They rejected Hathor? But it was gold!

Joe: You have a thing for The Simpsons...

Joe: Between you and me, I totally see the analogy: Burns as Gou'ald.

Jackson: Walked into your house didn't he?
O'Neill: Um hm.
Jackson: That's twice in a row.
O'Neill: Yeah.
Jackson: Alarm.
O'Neill: I'm thinking dog.
Joe: You could try locking your front door.

Jackson: What's this?
Hammond: Non-disclosure agreement. What we're about to discuss has been classified top secret by the United States government.
Jackson: What if we don't want to sign it?
Hammond: Then you're free to leave.
Carter hurriedly signs it.

Teal'c: Where is the rest of your team, Colonel Mitchell?
Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Actually it's still kind of SG-Me.

Mitchell: Wow. Politics really does suck everywhere you go.
Teal'c: Indeed.

Mitchell after being turned down by the former SG-1: Well, Walter. Doesn't look like we're getting the band back together.

Mitchell: Merlin. King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table Merlin?
Jackson: Yes.
Mitchell: Was an ancient.
Jackson: I think so.
Mitchell to Teal'c: See! That is what I'm talking about!

Mitchell: Well I suppose after you save the world 7 or 8 times...
O'Neill: Who's counting.
Mitchell: Teal'c actually. He mentions it all the time.

Mitchell: This is great. We got the band back together!
Carter about Vala: So what's with the extra back-up singer?

Mitchell after Daniel's rather brief speech to the Prior: That's it? Daniel nods. I just gave him 30 minutes.

Lord Haikon: How will we know when it is working?
Mitchell: We'll know when the Prior is no longer able to use his powers.
Jolan: How will we know when he will be no longer able to use his powers?
Mitchell: Well. Someone is just going to have to test it and find out.
Silence all around.
Mitchell: Don't worry, fellas. That someone is me.

Mitchell: Symtoms may include: dizziness, irritability—
Jackson: Nausea—
Mitchell: Mild nausea. And a condition known as "hot dog fingers."

Mitchell: General! We were just exchanging recipes.
General Landry: I heard. Has he offered up anything?
Mitchell: No sir. The man doesn't even have a decent pie crust.

Carter: How's it going?
Mitchell: I don't think diplomacy's my thing.
Jackson: Oh. That's what you're doing.

Mitchell:So, do you... live here on your own?
Dr. Reya Varrick: Why do you ask?
Mitchell:SIt's a big place. I don't know. Just curious, I guess.
Dr. Reya Varrick: I thought that was your clever way of asking if I was married.
Mitchell: I'm not that clever.

Landry: I read your report. Not sure I've seen language like that used in an official Air Force document before.
Jackson: Sorry about that, sir.
Landry: You should see what Colonel Carter and Dr. Jackson wrote.

Mitchell: So you're saying that somewhere, in an alternate universe, I got to second base with Amy Vanderberg?
Carter: Theoretically, yes.
Mitchell: Boggles the mind, don't it!

Carter: As we discussed the situation we realized we could pinpoint the source of the phenomenon to a precise window. Specifically the interim journey between the two gates.
Mitchell: Did she just say "we"?
Carter: Pardon me?
Jackson: She said "we". You said "we"?
Carter: Ah, me and... myself, I suppose. The other Samantha Carter.
Mitchell: Right. Finally someone who can keep up with you, huh?
Carter: Yep.

Mitchell: One more stupid question. Landry gives him a look Uh, yours was fine, sir. Mine was stupid.

Mitchell: What if there are more teams coming in hot, Sir?
Landry: I'm willing to make the occasional exception, but I am not about to turn this base into the Grand Central Station of the Multiverse.

Mitchell: You know, I've read mission reports on the Asgard, they're not what I was expecting.
Carter: What were you expecting?
Mitchell: I don't know... pants for one.

Black Uniform Jackson: Wouldn't it have been easier just to zat him?
Black Uniform Teal'c: Easier, yes. But far less gratifying.
Black Uniform Mitchell: Did he just insult me?

Camo Uniform Janet: Well, we'd love to stay, but we have a planet to save.

Ferguson: Doing pretty good. For a guy with a ticking time bomb in his head.
Mitchell: Yeah, why don't we see what the doctors have to say about that.
Ferguson: I'm just doing what the flyer says.

Mitchell hitting the vending machine: Sorry Doc, you were wrong. Hitting it doesn't help.

Landry: Teal'c is family. I don't like people screwing with my family.

Colonel Emerson: Why would the first wave just leave us behind? They had to know there were survivors.
Mitchell: They need witnesses. Their goal is not to kill us all, it's to convert us. Their wish is to go forth and tell everybody how they kicked our asses.

Carter hanging out in open space: I don't know what you can see from your vantage point or what your sensors are picking up, but from out here that mothership is pretty badly damaged. I would be surprised if they were weapons capable.
Emerson: Thanks Sam.
Mitchell: They haven't fired yet.

About Vala taking the lie detector test
Hutchinson: Try to relax. an aside You're looking very nice today.
Vala: Oh. Thank you. You're looking rather dashing yourself.
Hutchinson: Thanks. realizes the detector is signaling a false answer. So does Vala.
Vala: I mean, nice. no change I mean, not objectionable.

Woolsey: I'm assuming things didn't go well.
Vala: I fail to see the point of that ridiculous exercise. Unless it's purpose was to thoroughly humiliate me. Those questions weren't intended to shed light on my character or delve deeply into my subconscience. They were merely little reminders as to exactly why I don't belong here.
Woolsey: Then I take it you've carefully considered our offer and come to a decision.
Vala: I have.

Vala: As my first official act I'd like to report a rather disagreeable little man.
Woolsey: That'd be me.
Landry: Mr. Woolsey's offer was part of the test. We wanted to make sure we could trust you.
Vala: I knew that. But were his sexual advance part of the test?
Woolsey: What? That's a— General, I can assure you.
Vala: Well, I would have even considered playing along, but some of his requests were, well, a little unusual. Even for me.

Landry: Checkmate.
Mitchell: Yup. Too good for me, sir.
Landry: Pandering to the ego of a senior officer, Mitchell?
Mitchell: No. Truthfully I always hated the game. If you happen to have a Playstation I will happily kick your ass at Socom 3.

Mitchell: Maybe I'm not the only one around here who needs to relax.
Landry: I'll try not to shoot you before morning.
Mitchell: Thank you, sir.

Trust Minion: How are you feeling?
Vala: A little dizzy. A little tired. And very very angry.
Trust Minion: That's because the flashbacks you're experiencing are dredging up some long-buried emotions that are coloring your subconscious mind.
Vala: I'm going to kill both of you in the most painful way possible.

Vala: What's this?
Landry: Let's just call it a Welcome Back present.
Vala: These are—
Landry: Team badges. You're now officially a member of SG-1.
Carter: Congratulations. You earned it.

Carter: It's not designed to be shut off. It activates automatically and stays on.
Bad Guy: Then remove it.
Emerson: Don't help him, Colonel. That's an order. guard shoots and kills Emerson
Bad Guy: I believe that now makes you ranking officer on the ship, Colonel Carter. I suggest that you get to work.
I'm gonna miss Emerson...

Villager: I should warn you. No one has ever returned from the quest alive. If you value your lives, you would do well to reconsider.
Mitchell: We appreciate that, but that is quitter talk.

Barmaid: Are you certain I cannot tempt you with a final meal?
Mitchell: What is it with this town and a no-can-do attitude? Every time we turn around someone's trying to write us off or scare us away.
Barmaid: I apologize. I should have said "A final meal before you set off on your journey."
Mitchell: Well, that's better.
Barmaid: Although it need be said that in the many thousands of years that adventurers have been seeking the Sangraal, not one has succeeded.

Mitchell: Look, I know you have no reason to trust us anymore than you do those guys—
Barmaid: I have not seen you shoot anyone.
Mitchell: That's an excellent point. We're gonna need your help.

Mitchell: You should come with us.
Barmaid: My place is here. I'll be fine. Mitchell hesitates. I'll blame everything on you.
Mitchell: Good plan.

Vala: I did not expect to see you again.
Adria: I had to return, mother. My work here is unfinished.
Gambler: Who is this?
Vala: You really don't want to know.

Landry: How's Vala?
Mitchell: Pissed.

Landry: What do we do now?
Teal'c: Kill them both.
Mitchell: Hard to argue with that logic. It's a two-fer.

UNENDING

Landry: Good luck, SG-1.
Mitchell: Just another mission to save the galaxy, sir.
Everyone: Indeed.
Landry: God speed.

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