Various and Sundry Short Stories
Nightmare Roommate
These stories come from living with the most horrible person ever for two excruciatingly long years. The Butter Story is probably the best. The rest are mainly my passive aggresive way of getting revenge on her for putting me through hell.
THE BUTTER STORY
I brought an unopened 4-pack of butter when I moved into the apartment with NR. I don't use butter in cooking much, so it stayed
unopened and pristine in its natural state.
Until one Saturday...
SATURDAY: I was watching TV (her novelty oversized TV) and Nightmare Roommate asked if she could borrow a
stick of butter, as she was out. Sure! No problem!, I said. She replied, I promise I'll buy you a new package.
I said, Hey, it's communal butter. No worries. And went about my business.
SUNDAY: It was 5:00 pm and I was headed to my mom's. I went to take my vitamins, and NR's butter dish was under
that cabinet. I casually glanced at it and noticed that there was just a half-inch of butter left. A half-inch.
Let's be clear here: NR ate almost ONE FULL STICK OF BUTTER in less than one full day. By herself.
MONDAY: I had plans with a friend, so I came home to get ready and take my vitamins. As previous, I randomly
glanced at the butter dish, thinking, I have to tell my friend The Butter Story. Surprisingly, there was a half-inch of butter in it.
Surprising because I knew NR was using butter later in the evening the night before. So I checked the fridge.
Sure enough, there was my butter four-pack (missing one stick) and there was NR's new butter four-pack (missing one stick).
TWO STICKS IN TWO DAYS. Who eats like that?
TUESDAY: Vitamins again. I glanced at the butter dish. Half-inch left. Floored, I looked in the fridge again.
There's my (now) three-pack of butter and her (now) two-pack of butter.
THREE STICKS OF BUTTER IN THREE DAYS.
Let me me repeat that so you fully comprehend this gluttony:
THREE FULL STICKS OF BUTTER IN THREE DAYS.
SEVERAL MONTHS LATER: I was making cookies and needed butter. I knew I had three sticks left, as I still hadn't
used any butter. But, lo and behold, only one pack of butter in the fridge and not the kind I originally bought.
So where the hell was my butter?
I casually asked NR if it was my butter or hers. She informed me that it was hers. So I inquired as to how my butter had mysteriously
disappeared. NR got a clueless look on her face like, "Gee whiz, how weird. How could butter disappear?"
So she ate all my butter and lied about it.
But I got over it. I mean, it's butter, right?
MOVING DAY: Emptying out the fridge I noticed that an opened three-pack of my brand of butter was in it. Precisely
like my original mysterious disappearing pack.
I DID NOT buy that butter. And, like its predecessor, it disappeared within days. Without any assistance from me.
LAST DAY IN APARTMENT: We were cleaning the apartment for inspection and NR wandered over to me and tried to
hand me an unopened four-pack of butter telling me, 'You forgot this in the fridge."
The hell?
Nightmare Roommate actually thought I wouldn't notice that she ate all my butter, lied about it, attempted to replace it, ate
the replacement butter, and then tried to pawn off a new unopened pack of butter?
Un. Real.
So I took the butter, thanked her, brought it over to my new apartment, and threw it away.
Because it was officially Nightmare Butter.
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