Quotes from The Bedford Diaries

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I'm Gonna Love COllege

Professor Jake Macklin: Sex. Think back to your last sexual encounter. A month ago. This morning. Were you with a lover? A stranger? Were you by yourself? How did it make you feel? Excited? Guilty? Insatiable? Blissful? Discontented? Welcome to Sexual Behavior and the Human Condition. I'm Jake Macklin. and you are the lucky eleven—twelve—students who have been selected to participate in this seminar.

What you're going to study is you. Who you are sexually. And who you are as a human being. This classroom will be a forum for exploration and personal revelations. I'm going to give you a camera to create a video diary. Every week I'll ask you to think about a specific topic. Since the most important element of the diary is truth whether you share what you've recorded with the class is up to you.

Your assignment for this week: Look into your sexual past. Whether you're a virgin, whether you're very experienced, or whether you're someplace in between. How does your past influence your present, your future? If there was something about your sexual history you could change, what would it be? Sex. It's mysterious, it's serious. It's God's greatest gift, it's God's greatest curse.

Sarah Gregory: Owen, you can't be in this class.
Owen Gregory: So Sarah I have to drop out of the most popular and toughest to get into elective at Bedford because—
Sarah: I really don't want to hear about your sexual escapades.

Richard Thorne: One of my reporters is doing a piece on you.
Professor Sean Dixon: Oh really? No one's contacted me.
Richard: Well the article is about a relationship you had last semester with one of your female students.
Dixon: Huh. So this is a fiction piece.

Dixon: You drunken rich brat.
Richard: Drunken. Yeah, at the time. Rich, not my fault. Brat, maybe.

Natalie Dykstra: Do you remember in the news a few years back, a rash of suicides at Bedford. Students jumping off the roof Levinson Hall?
Owen: Uh, yeah. Vaguely.
Natalie: I was one of them. Only one who lived, anyway.

Sarah: I think it's time the student government treasurer audits the Bugle's budget.
Richard: You go right ahead. That'll make a nice side bar: "President Threatens Editor".
Sarah: You know, I liked you better when you were drinking.

Professor Carla Bonatelle: The board of trustees is looking over my shoulder making sure that I'm looking over your shoulder so that we don't have a repeat of last year's incident with the porn stars.

Macklin: The guy's an expert in linguistics. It's all in the tongue, right?

Zoe Lopez: How's your video diary coming along? You getting inspired?
Lee Henry Wade: Um, yeah. Kind of.
Zoe Lopez: I'm having a lot of fun with mine. A salute to the Kama Sutra a la Cirque de Soleil.

Owen: Oh, double negative. That's always a positive sign.

Richard: I don't drink anymore. I don't do drugs anymore. And I never liked to dance.
Stepmom: That's because you don't know how.
Richard: Oh I know how people dance. I just don't know why.

Richard: I see this dump has maintained its hallowed tradition of accepting out-of-state library cards as IDs.

Richard: My sexual past: When you down enough Maker’s Mark, what you did the night before begins to take on the quality of a PBS murder mystery.

Sarah: Sean was right about you. You're a son of a bitch.
Richard: That's not fair. You've never met my mother. She's quite lovely.

Sarah: Friends or enemies, Richard. It's going to be a long year.
Richard: Looking forward to it.

Announcer: Wait a minute, there were no streakers in the 1972 campus riots. Security, remove the streaker!
Macklin getting a look from Bonatelle: What? What are you looking at me for?

The Truth About Sex

Coming soon

TELL ME NO SECRETS

Macklin: Last week we discussed the definition of sexual misconduct. This week let's talk about responsibility. Whoever you had for sixth grade health— Ms. Franklin, Sister Peter Marie.

ZEN AND THE ART OF MANIPULATION

Natalie: You can call me, you can talk to me... I'm not gonna break.
Richard: I might.

Jake: Hey there, Dean. Mind if I look at your sports section?
Dean Harold Harper: Be my guest. I haven't touched the New York sports section since they slandered Reggie Miller in '95.
Jake: Sometimes I think the Knicks are trying to kill me—me, specifically—the way they're playing.

Owen on the phone: It doesn't really matter if it says "antiseptic" on the bottle. You shouldn't really be cleaning an open wound with mouthwash. Especially down there.

Owen: What's your name?
Erin: You want to know my name?
Owen: For the form.
Erin: I'm Erin. It's Irish for Irish. What's yours?
Owen: I'm Owen. That's Owen for Owen.

Richard in a class discussion: ...And by the time the dust is settled, Cro-magnon man realizes that he's had his ass handed to him by a younger, stronger, quicker and more manipulative Neanderthal.
Jake: Yeah, the Cro-magnon man probably just picked up a club and beat the Neanderthal's head in.
Everyone laughs.
Owen: What the hell are we talking about?
Sarah: I don't know.

Dean Harper: What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be on a date?
Professor Bonatelle: Date's over. Never go out with a man that voted for Ralph Nader. Twice.

Jake: The moment Katrina and I met, it was nothing else but loving her. The passion was...
Professor Bonatelle: Indescribable, apparently.

Richard: Everything alright?
Katrina: Jake just text-messaged me. "Sock Monkey."
Richard: "Sock Monkey"?
Katrina: It's code.
Richard: Code for he's sending an army of flying sock monkeys to kill me.

Natalie: Did you just ask me out?
Owen: Yes, I did. Badly, but yes.

At the art gallery:
Natalie: Funny how Donald Rumsfeld looks a lot more cuddly made of pasta.
Zoe Lopez: There's something less threatening about him.
Owen: Let's face it. You put cheese on this guy, he looks downright yummy.

LOVE AND THE TENTH PLANET

Lee: "Film archive needs a typist."
Zoe: A woman should never admit that she can type.
Lee: Feminism is keeping you down.

Jake: This week's video diary assignment: what's the difference between sex and love. Does love make sex better, or does it get in the way of a good time?

Owen: Usually I meet a girl at a bar, we get a drink, and I tell her the story about how I saved a kid from drowning at Summer camp.
Lee: You saved a kid from drowning?
Owen: Almost, I did.
Owen: But anyway, you know, we end up in bed together and then that's it. Until of course I see her the next time when I avoid eye contact and pretend I have Parkinson's.
Claire handing them beers: Breakfast of Champions.
Lee: Thanks. to Owen Sounds like you know what you're doing.
Owen: Yeah, but I asked Natalie on a date.
Lee: Very old school.
Owen: She wants to be surprised.
Lee: So don't sleep with her. beat Okay. Ah, take her dancing.
Owen: Lee, no one goes dancing unless you're gay or from New Jersey.
Okay, it's not Claire, it's Ann, but Kristin Rohde did play a Claire on Oz and it's my damn site. Kristen Rohde rules.

Natalie: I need The Bugle to write an article on Mexican Sea Turtles. They're on the brink of extinction, poachers are bludgeoning the females to death, cutting out their eggs, leaving the shells scattered on the beaches.
Richard: Yeah, I've had those before. They're disgusting.
Natalie: So you'll help?
Richard: Yeah, sure.

Sarah: Are you even listening to me?
Owen: Yeah, it's the only time I'll ever get to go to college...
Sarah: Don't just repeat back what I say to you.
Owen: Don't just repeat back what I say to you?
Sarah: Owen, stop.
Owen: I will. For a hundred dollars.

Gunther: How'd you learn to edit?
Zoe: Strunk & White Elements of Style. At first I thought it was a book about fashion, but I found I have a passion for punctuation.
Gunther: Zoe.
Zoe: Yes, Gunther?
Gunther: Stop with the flirting. I'm gay.

Natalie: This is very cool.
Owen: The vastness of space.
Natalie: Makes you think about God and death and... our purpose in this universe.
Owen: That or, ah, Star Trek reruns.

THE PASSION OF THE BEAVER

Jake: So no passion is bad. And too much is bad.
Sure. If you're passionate about Maker's Mark.

Zoe kissing Rick: Too hard.
Richard: What?
Zoe: I'm searching for my passion. kisses the coffee guy Too soft. kisses Chris Just right.
Chris surprised: Zoe.
Zoe grabbing his hand I misplaced my passion. See if you can find it.

Natalie about the clinic closing: How can Bedford not have enough money? This school has a huge endowment. They're always fundraising, the alums are cash cows.
Doctor Sharif: Campus security is the new black.

Chris: Where'd you learn to do that thing with the spoon?
Zoe: Oh. I, uh, saw that on some prison show.
Chris: Hm. Well how about round two? Tonight?
Zoe: I'll call you.

Jake: Life rule #6: You can't anticipate passion. Or a panther attack.

Sarah: Next order of business: the spirit commitee. Peter Wortman and Chris Hernandez have the floor.
Chris: We lost our beaver.
Peter: Evan Stroll has quit as the Bedford mascot. He's hung up his beaver tail.
Dean: A tragedy of epic proportions.
Sarah: What happened?
Chris: It started the first week of the semester.
Peter: He was drinking on duty. He danced on a pool table with a football player's girlfriend. Took a beating.
Chris: Then just last week, he was pummeled by the Carlsberg State shark.
Peter: This is just two days after being practically violated by the St. Elmo Friar.

Zoe: I wanna be the new Bedford beaver.
Dean: Well then you should try out like everyone else.
Zoe: Exactly! But that weasel Peter Wartman is saying there's never been a female beaver and I can't audition.
Dean: Tell me, did I fall asleep and wake up in the fifties?
Zoe: No.
Dean: Well then good luck at the tryouts.

Dean: Oh Ms. Lopez? That speech you had planned? You had more planned?
Zoe: Lots.
Dean: Next time, I'd skip the part about the fallopian tubes.

Katrina: If I didn't know you were too mature for games, I'd say you just put the ball on the fifty yard line.
Jake: Hut hut.

Owen: Annie, tell me what will make clear the woman psyche?
Annie: Tequila. In a dirty glass.

Richard: ..So what if she liked more what I could do for her more than she actually liked me? I set it up. I asked her. How does that mean that she used me? I guess she was just never as passionate about me as I was about her. Passion is pain.

RISKY BUSINESS

Owen: Well, I hope I'm not being un-PC or a little too OC to ask this, but did Richard Thorne spend the night last night?

Natalie: Richard is fragile.
Owen: He's fragile like a fox.

Zoe to Chris: No tape, no tap.

Jake: This week's video diary assignment: how much are you willing to risk in order to get what you want.

Richard: You're looking at a new, passive, uninvolved Richard Thorne.

Richard: You're worrying about me?
Sarah: Yeah, I am.
Richard dramatically grasping her arm: Sucker.

Owen: I spent a lot of time on these flyers.
Natalie: I know. They're really nice, Owen.
Owen: Nice? What is it with you and "nice"? I can't stand the word "nice." If you hate the flyers, just tell me you hate the flyers.
Natalie: I don't hate the flyers. I think the flyers are fine.
Owen: "Fine." The second most [?] word in the English dictionary after nice.

Chris: Hey Lee. You know Zoe Lopez, don't you?
Lee: Yeah, sure. Why?
Chris: We've been hanging out, spooning and stuff.

Natalie: What happened?
Frat guy: Dude was hit by a car.
Natalie: Where's the driver? Should we call the cops?
Dr. Sharif: On the side, on the front? Where?
Frat guy: From the bottom.
Pledge: There was no driver.
Frat guy: He was piled between two mattresses and we threw him off the roof.
Owen: What?

Dean Harper: So your solution is to threaten the board?
Professor Bonatelle: Yeah. The school's had a lot of bad press lately. The trustees don't want another scandal. And you can't close a place that saved your own students.
Dean Harper: That's very devious. I like it. Can I be the one that tells the board?
Professor Bonatelle: Yeah.

Richard: Do you lack compassion for other people? Maybe. But you definitely lack compassion for yourself.

Owen to Natalie: You scored your attempted suicide?

ABSTINENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER

Richard: This is about sex!
Molly: This is about romance.
Richard: This is about you're fired.

Owen: Where is my roommate and what have you done with him?
Roommate: Beatrice, my girlfriend from high school, is coming into town and she's gonna be staying here—
Owen: I'm sorry. Here? As in our very tiny little dormroom?
Roommate: Just close your eyes. And... ears.
Owen: Are you high?
Roommate: Or just think of us as a live action porno.
Owen: I'm outta here.

Richard: Hey Zoe, you seen Cynthia?
Zoe: Our new financial reporter?
Richard: I made a mistake.
Zoe: She can't add?
Richard: Can't add, can't write.
Zoe: Then why'd you hire her? look from Richard. Oh.
Richard: Yeah, but she and I agreed to stop sleeping together when she started writing for the paper.
Zoe: So you made two mistakes.

Sarah: I'm a little surprised you're not staying with Natalie.
Owen: clears throat: No, Natalie's room smells like eucalyptus.
Sarah: Can I make you something to eat?
Owen: Yeah. Those Hot Pockets with pepperoni.

Ha! Kristin Rohde throwing the guys out of the bar made me laugh. Go Claire!

Maklin: It must be exhausting, trying to control everything all the time.
Sarah: What's the alternative?
Maklin: Well, not trying to control everything, I guess.

Lee: Abstinence. Rachel and I are not having sex. So why is having sex with Zoe the only thing I think about?

Zoe: Don't hire Cynthia back.
Gunther: Reason: sanity. Logic: from the mouths of proofreaders.
Richard: Why not?
Zoe: Because I wrote this column.
Richard: You? How long did it take you to write this?
Zoe: About an hour.
Richard: You're hired. Gunther, get her a desk.
Gunther: She already has a desk.
Richard: Get her a chair, get her something. I want this woman working on her next column now.
Zoe: Gunther, I don't want this job.
Gunther: Fine. You tell Richard.

Annie: This round's on me.
Natalie: Thank you. Why the donation?
Annie: My boss screwed me. Took away my best shift so now he's buying my favorite customers drinks. Enjoy.
Natalie: I love this woman.
Zoe: And I love her boss.

Cynthia: Who's this? He's cute.
Sarah: Well, this is my little brother, Owen.
Owen: I'm Owen. Younger, not little.
Cynthia: Owen. I love words with O and W in them. Like cowboy and rowdy and growl... rowr. How 'bout I buy you a drink?
Owen: You know what, I already have a date, so—
Cynthia: Incest. Now that's... trendy.

Professor Cole: I read your paper. It's good. Well-written, impeccably researched.
Lee: I'm glad you liked it.
Professor Cole: Indeed I did. In fact, I've enjoyed this paper every time I've read it. Which according to my computer cheat check is three times before.

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